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June 16, 2009
 Hey! Whachoo lookin' at? Yesterday I expanded my Annoyance Challenge exploration by emailing a survey to one hundred tweens and teens. The topic: annoying behavior at school. Here are the six straight-forward questions.
- At school what things annoy you? (Lots of details please but no names!)
- When someone’s behavior annoys you, what do you usually do about it?
- At school, what do you sometimes do that annoys OTHER PEOPLE? (whether you mean to or not)
- At school, what do you sometimes do that annoys YOU?
- How have you tried to change your own behavior so that it’s less annoying to others or yourself?
- If someone else’s annoying behavior didn’t get to you so easily, how would school be different?
So far I’ve heard back from twelve students. I’m thinking 12% teen response to a random email questionnaire is pretty good. This may indicate either that the topic of annoyance is a hot one and they’re eager to vent or that even though school’s only been out for a week, they’re already bored and willing to reply to anything that wafts into their IN Box. Maybe it’s a little of each. Anyway, I’ve already gotten some really interesting answers. I’ll be sharing the results over the next several days.
In the meantime, if you’ve got a 10-14 year old in your house and you can manage to get them to respond to these questions (anonymously, of course) I’d really appreciate it. They can email me here. If they’re not up for it, that’s cool. I certainly don’t want to annoy anyone!
June 15, 2009
 Thanks, Leonardo and friends! Yesterday, the end of the first week of The Annoyance Challenge, was annoyance-free. Seriously. David and I made our annual pilgrimage to the Italian Street Painting Festival in the neighboring town of San Rafael and everything about it was cool. The weather. The crowds. The music. And, of course, thanks to the artists who sat on the asphalt for two straight days drawing… the street was transformed into a patchwork of glorious images inspired by Italian Renaissance Masters, the Impressionists, Mother Nature, portrait photography, animated heroes, and pure imagination.
What a show!
I’d gladly give you the exact location so you could come check it out for yourself, but the annual Street Painting Festival, a fundraiser for Youth in Arts, is a bit like Brigadoon. At 8 pm on the second day, everything is washed away. Vanished into memory. I guess that could be annoying, except that’s the brilliance of the whole deal. 48 hours of totally focused energy on the process of creating art for public consumption. And boy did we consume… walking through the space, drinking in the vibrant colors, congratulating the artists and sharing the whole scene with people who appreciate such devotion to art.
See you next year.
June 14, 2009
 You want to stake us? We don't think so. They were so cute when I brought them home. And so cooperative when I tucked them in. First lining their beds with just the right amount of $14-a-box-organic-plant-food. They never struggled or popped up making demands. They just smiled up at me as if to say, “It’s so reassuring to be in the hands of someone who knows what she’s doing.” And when I went back at the end of each day to water them and admire their progress… they seemed to take it in stride. Not a whit of arrogance.
But then over the past few weeks as the weather’s turned warmer, I’ve notice a certain cheekiness that wasn’t there before. Not that I mentioned it to anyone (because I’m not that kind of gardener) but it had become obvious that my tomato plants were getting too big for their cages. They were falling all over each other, creeping onto the path, tripping visitors and generally showing no consideration for anyone.
Clearly I needed to teach them some manners and that required lots of gardening tape and bamboo stakes. A simple enough job, I thought. Ha! Getting down on my hands and knees at the base of the largest plant, it was obvious that I’d given them free-rein for too long. What a chaotic jumble of stems and leaves! Impossible to sort out and stake them properly.
During the first two minutes I saw the futility of the task and started grumbling, “This is so annoying.” But then I perked up. “Oh good! I can blog about it!” But the truth is, I wasn’t annoyed because, for me, annoyance is about my response to someone else’s behavior. The tomato plants weren’t actually doing anything to me or consciously thwarting my efforts at tidiness. So, in my book, my staking failures weren’t an annoyance. Something else was going on. When I can’t effectively do what I’m attempting… parallel park, getting my computer to move faster, unlocking the font door lock so I can get inside quickly to pee… that’s not annoyance… it’s unmitigated frustration.
If you can’t see the difference, then that’s annoying. Or… maybe it’s frustrating.
 "You Want Me to do What? Journaling for Caregivers" by B. Lynn Goodwin The parent-child relationship is, by definition, totally lopsided, with parents doing most of the giving (and forgiving) and kids doing most of the getting (and forgetting). Which is exactly how it’s supposed to be. We are wired to give to our children our all. And our kids are wired to take whatever they need.
But what happens when our own parents need parenting?
My dad died of a sudden massive heart attack when I was 15. At the time, I was away at summer camp. There wasn’t a damn thing I could have done. But to this day, I still wish I’d been there for him.
Decades later, my mom offered me plenty of opportunity to help while she slowly died of ALS, (Lou Gehrig’s disease)… and I was there for her.
Switching roles and becoming my mom’s caregiver, provided some of the most loving, grace-filled times of my life. Those ten months, between her diagnosis and her death, were also the most emotionally draining, anxiety-ridden days I’ve ever known. And I am grateful for every minute. That experience transformed our relationship and me along with it. Both for good.
If you’re lucky enough to still have parents, may you have many more joyful years together. But medical miracles notwithstanding, at some point, it’s likely they will need you in ways you can not imagine.
In this week’s podcast* I talk with Lynn Goodwin, teacher, editor, former caregiver and author of “You Want Me to do What? Journaling for Caregivers”. We talk from the heart about processing the stress of caring for aging parents and celebrating what’s right.
Have a listen here:
[QUICKTIME http://www.anniefox.com/podcast/FC005.m4a 300 300 false true]
If you have iTunes, you can subscribe to this podcast in the iTunes Store.
Or, you can download an MP3 version here.
Upcoming guest authors include:
Subscribe to Family Confidential and tune in each time!
Special thanks to our friend and musician/composer Curt Siffert who let us use his song, “Ignorant Meadow” for the opening of this podcast.
*What’s a podcast? “A podcast is a series of digital media files, usually either digital audio or video, that is made available for download via web syndication.” — Wikipedia… So, in this case, there’s an audio file for you to listen to (in addition to reading the above).
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