January, 2013 | Annie Fox's Blog

When a BFF leaves you behind

January 26, 2013

I’ve been getting an awful lot of email lately from teens who feel abandoned by their bff. Usually the situation involves a “new girl” coming into the picture who is “stealing” a friend. If this has happened to you (or someone you know) maybe this teen’s email and my answer to it will be helpful. I hope so!

How come she doesn't want to be my friend anymore?

Hey Terra,

Me and “A” have been best friends since kindergarten and we are now in high school. In 7th grade, she started hanging out with this girl named “B.” Now “A” is with “B” all the time. “A” always has her FB status saying she’s “hanging out with my bestie” when she’s with “B.” I feel really jealous and sad. I feel like I shouldn’t be upset because she has the right to be friends with whoever she wants, but it still really hurts my feelings because I feel like she’s replaced me with someone who doesn’t like me. Any input to this would be great!

Ex-BFF

Dear Ex-BFF,

You are right when you say, “‘A’ has the right to be friends with whoever she wants.” And even though your head knows that this is true, your heart “still really hurts” because you miss the closeness you and “A” used to have. Because you don’t yet have another friend to share that same level of closeness with, you feel “jealous” and left-out. I understand.

Sometimes friends outgrow the friendship they have at the same time. Both friends, without saying as much, just start spending less and less time together. It doesn’t usually cause much hurt this way because both friends, for whatever reason, have turned their attention to other things and/or other people. But in this case, it sounds like “A” outgrew the friendship before you did. So you were left feeling “Hey! Come back! I don’t like being here without your friendship!”

My best advice is to try thinking of it this way: This wonderful, long-term friendship you had with “A” has given you many gifts. You two have had lots of great times. Laughed together. Shared secrets. Learned how to negotiate differences of opinions. Learned how to be honest with each other. Through your friendship with “A” you have learned so much about yourself. And one very important thing you’ve learned is what it means to be a great friend. You now have that skill and it’s yours, forever. Now’s the time to: a) Thank “A” for what she’s given you. b) Say goodbye to this phase of your friendship with “A.” You two may become close again in the future, but for now, this chapter has ended. And c) Take what you have learned about friendship and reach out to some new people. You have everything you need to create new friendships which will bring you more wonderful gifts.

Smile. It’s OK. I hope this helps you enjoy the rest of your weekend and the rest of the school year.

In friendship,
Terra

Hey Terra,

Thank you soo much for explaining it like that to me, it makes me feel much better about this situation.

Happier now

Dear Happier Now,

I’m so glad to have helped. Have fun.

In friendship,
Terra

Filed under: Teens — Tags: Emotional Intelligence, friend-building skills, Hey Terra, Middle School, peer conflicts, teen advice, teen friendships — Annie @ 5:10 pm

Comments (2)

“Quit kvetching!” Tips for getting teens to stop complaining

January 23, 2013

I originally wrote a version of this article for TakePart.com where I contribute a weekly education post. Check out the rest of my articles there.

... because it's not helping

Do you know the Yiddish verb, to kvetch? On the surface it simply means: to complain. As in, “Just get your homework done and stop kvetching already.” But actually, kvetching goes beyond complaining into the realm of eternal dissatisfaction where nothing is ever good enough and it becomes one’s mission in life to let everyone know exactly where and why things don’t measure up.

No one is a happy camper all the time. It’s not realistic to expect to be and it’s certainly not a requirement. And yet we keep on expecting it, don’t we? Especially those of us fortunate enough to live pretty well. When reality doesn’t meet our impossible standards we may not be able to keep our mouth shut. Of course, speaking up can be the first step toward positive change. It can also help build self-respect and healthier relationships. Which is why, when a teen bitterly complains to me about a friend who isn’t acting like one, I counsel the teen to go on record and tell the friend, “This isn’t OK and here’s why.”

What’s the alternative? Staying silent? That’s not likely to improve a relationship. So, yes, sometimes we need to complain.

But what do you do if your child constantly complains?

“That’s stupid!”
“This isn’t what I wanted!”
“You can’t make me!”
“That’s unfair!”
“This sucks!”

What if your child’s negative attitude permeates everything?

I realize that finding fault may be an essential part of becoming a young adult. Unlike little kids who try to emulate their godlike parents, t(w)eens have begun the hard work of establishing their own unique identity, as different from us parents as imaginable. Teen negativity is often a display of independence, plain and simple. This may help us understand where it’s coming from, even though it doesn’t make the attitude any more fun to be around.

If your kid has gotten into the habit of grousing s/he may outgrow it. (We can always hope!) But hope isn’t an especially effective parenting strategy and a negative attitude can pollute your family life. Rather than lashing out in frustration or suffering silently, I suggest a direct intervention that will, at the very least, give your child insight into what it’s like to live with constant griping. I tackle the issue in my book Teaching Kids to Be Good People. This brief synopsis offers some tips on how to start turning around a negative attitude:

Conversation That Counts

Some complaints are helpful; some aren’t. Discuss with your child the concept of complaining. Point out that some complaints are helpful. (“The roof is leaking on my head.” “We’re out of toothpaste again.”) These can become action points. Other types of complaints aren’t intended to be helpful. They’re simply a chance to vent or to blame. (“This assignment is boring!” “Why did I get her for a sister?” “You kids never do anything right!”)

Reverse role-play. Tell your child that you’re going to “act out” one (unhelpful) complaint that you regularly hear from him/her. Be realistic in your dramatization, but not unkind. Remember you’re trying to teach, not wound. Now ask your child to act out an unhelpful complaint s/he regularly hears from you. (Yes, this lesson is a two-way street.)

How bad is the habit we’ve gotten into? Discuss the regular grumbling and whining amongst family members that aren’t meant to be helpful. What impact does it have? What might family life be different if there were less complaining?

Make a change. Challenge each family member to catch him/herself (not anyone else) in the act of complaining and try one of these responses instead:

a) Communicate directly about what needs to be done.

b) Skip the complaint and do some or all of what needs to be done (on your own).

c) Change what you can change and change your attitude about the rest.

Call another family meeting in a week to report on the progress everyone has made in creating a more cooperative atmosphere. We’re into a new year. How about working together to keep moving in a positive direction? It’s worth a try.

Filed under: Parenting,Teaching Kids To Be Good People,Tips — Tags: bad attitude, family dynamics, family meetings, kvetching, Parenting Advice, Teaching Kids To Be Good People — Annie @ 5:59 pm

Comments (0)

National Day of Service is a day ON, not a day OFF

January 15, 2013

Helping Others? Game ON!

We all say we want to live in a community where people care about their neighbors – not only when we’re in desperate need, but every day. Because the every day stuff is what makes up your life and mine, and that couple across the street. (What’s their name?)

There are countless ways to show we care and most of them are ridiculously simple. Like noticing that kid nervously waiting on the curb when you come to a stop. What does it take to make eye contact with him, smile, and let him know he can “Go ahead” and cross safely in front of your car? Not a whole lot. It also doesn’t take much to notice that those people seem to be looking for something on the ground. You could easily get up and ask if they’ve lost something and could they use another pair of eyes in their search. It takes a little time. A little effort. When people do stuff like that it says that ours is a caring community. When they don’t or we don’t, it says something else.

I’ve just started reading Peter Lovenheim’s In The Neighborhood: The Search for Community on an American Street, One Sleepover at a Time. I’m only on page 70, but I already recommend it, in case you want to check it out. You might also want to check out what’s going on in your community on Monday. No sleepovers are required, but stuff is happening, I guarantee it.

Monday, January 21st, is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and since 1994, when Congress had a great idea and actually acted on it, MLK Day has been a National Day of Service. So if you and your family have time off on Monday and you’re interested in moving beyond shaking your head to doing something to make your community a more caring place, go to MLK.gov and Find a Project.

I just did that by typing in my zip code. Within a 25 mile radius I found dozens of community volunteer opportunities for this Monday. A beach clean up project. A neighborhood park needing help with invasive plant removal. This one, from the Human Rights Commission, caught my eye: We will need volunteers to assemble care bags for LGBT homeless youth. Helping kids? Yes! I can do that! Sign me up!

What can you do? Find out what’s needed and where. It’s all good. It all helps. Start here.

NOTE: In January, 2009, David and I were in DC for Obama’s Inauguration. That year, on MLK Day we helped out with an amazing book project to benefit DC public schools. So gratifying to be of service!

Filed under: Holidays,Parenting — Tags: Human RIghts Commission, In the Neighborhood, Martin Luther King Jr., MLK, National Day of Service, Peter Lovenheim, Service Learning — Annie @ 3:18 pm

Comments (0)

A new book begins

January 6, 2013

Many paths lead outward

I’m beginning my work on a new book (not sure yet if it will be adult fiction or non-fiction). The theme: an exploration of how some people manage to respond to debilitating loss in exemplary ways. Because, throughout life, we are subject to many losses, how can we use the experience in a positive way? We may lose:

a parent or other precious family member
an opportunity
our peace of mind
our sense of community
something into which we have put tremendous physical/creative effort
the love of our life
our best friend
our job
a physical or mental ability (due to illness or injury)
our home
our reputation
our fortune
our confidence
our way
??

What happens after we suffer a major loss? Some people feel the pain so intensely they carry a permanent wound that limits them in the way widowhood limited my mother. For decades her suffering prevented her from fully reconnecting with the joy and creative force of life. Maybe you know someone like that. It is sad. I do not believe it is necessary.

When we experience a loss it is normal and healthy to grieve. It is also normal and healthy to heal. But how do we begin that process? That’s what this book is going to be about. We each have within us a breakable heart and spirt. We also have within us, the resilience needed to rebound and rebuild. If we can find ways to move beyond our suffering, loss can be fertile ground for positive transformation. We can become stronger in every sense of the word. We can develop greater compassion. We can forge the tools and the will to help others who are suffering from losses of their own.

The journey from loss to a new level of wholeness can be extremely challenging. Subsequent (lesser) losses may set us back. Which is why many of us do not fully recover from a major loss. But there are many people among us who’ve successfully made that transition. Gabby Gifford, Tammy Duckworth, are two women who immediately come to mind. There are many others who’ve achieved national and international recognition for their courage in the face of loss. There are also people in every community who have found their own path that has taken them beyond their losses to a new level of peace of mind and purpose. This book will explore some of the many ways people have transformed their lives after loss and how each of us can use the example of their lives to transform our own.

I would be very honored to hear from anyone who has successfully managed to transition out of a major loss (or from anyone who is currently in the process of doing so). If you know someone whose journey from loss has inspired you, I’d love to hear about it.

Please post your comments and we can learn together. I’m sure my exploration of this topic and the book that grows from it will benefit greatly from your input.

Thank you.

In friendship,
Annie

Filed under: Annie's Books — Tags: Gabby Gifford, Grief, Inspiration, Loss, Tammuy Duckworth — Annie @ 8:28 pm

Comments (16)