Why? Cause I like it.

Last time we were talking about kids’ transitions and graduating toward independence, something we parents should celebrate. But here’s a mom who wishes her daughter weren’t quite so independent. Can you relate?

Dear Annie,

Most parents don’t want their kids going along with the crowd, but I wish my daughter would! She dresses like a boy, only wearing boys’ shorts and shirts.  It is beyond being a tomboy. She won’t ever put her hair up like the rest of the girls, even though the coach tells her to. Why is she doing this? Does she want to stand out? Or is she fighting the establishment? I want her to be herself, but she’s way overboard and has no friends because she is so different. I’ve told her all of this, but she won’t listen. Should I just let her learn the hard way?

Frustrated Mom

Dear Mom,

I’m sure you love your daughter and your advice is well-meaning, but I’m not sure how can anyone go “overboard” in being themselves. That’s like telling her, “Hold on! You are too much of who you are.”

You say want your daughter to, “be herself,” but do you really? Dressing this way is her way of being herself! While her fashion sense might make you uncomfortable at times, you need to deal with it on your own and try to keep your comments to yourself. Otherwise, your daughter will feel the sting of your disapproval every day. That’s damaging to her. Please remember that you are her most influential teacher. Giving her positive reinforcement will go a long way in helping her build self-esteem and resilience.

As to “why” she chooses to dress this way, there could be a number of reasons, but don’t assume she is looking for attention or purposely “fighting” anyone. Your daughter is her own wonderful, unique self. It’s not the child’s job to fulfill the parent’s expectations of who she is “supposed” to be. She doesn’t need fixing. She needs your unconditional love and support during her transition into young adulthood and throughout her journey, wherever it may lead. Please try to understand her better. You and she will both benefit tremendously from that.