Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

Graduation: They’re moving toward independence… and so are we!

June 17, 2013

End of one chapter, start of the next

I’m wired to cry. So naturally I sobbed hysterically after dropping my 18-month-old daughter at preschool. (Hey, I got better by the second week!) And I bawled as I dropped her off at college. And when her little brother left for college six years later, the waterworks gushed again. Kids beginning a new chapter in life can do that to parents. It can also make us feel incredibly proud, especially if they (and we) worked hard to reach that point.

As graduation parties wind down and you begin thinking about the next round of challenges coming up in the fall, here are some tips to help you through this transition:

  • Let them have their summer: Kids need to relax and so do we. Yes things must get done before the new term, but unless your child won’t calm down until all school supplies and clothes are purchased, then save it for August and let them enjoy a balance of structured and unstructured time.
  • Step back so they can step up: From September to May kids use the “I’ve got homework” excuse to avoid lending a hand around the house. Tell them that pass has expired. Besides, summer is a great time to help kids to develop responsibility. They’ll need it because each new grade level requires kids to take more responsibility for their education. They’ll only meet upcoming challenges when we require more of them as members of Team Family. Be specific with your summer expectations and hold the kids accountable. NOTE: Do not load them down with home and garden projects all day every day. Remember, it’s summer! (See tip #1)
  • Create new goals for yourself: Our kids are moving toward independence – just as Nature intended. We’re moving in that direction too and eventually we’ll work our way out of this full-time parenting gig. That’s part of your job description. (Check the fine print on your kid’s birth certificate.) Even if your child is just starting first grade in the fall, the clock is running down on the “under the same roof” phase of parenting. Summer is a great time to remember that before you were a parent you were a person with unique interests and talents. What would you do with at least one extra hour a week just for yourself? Set a goal for yourself this summer and get started. Let your kids in on the goal and on your progress, too. (That’s great modeling!) If you chose well, working on your goal will sustain you on many levels when your child (eventually) leaves the nest.

Now go have some summer fun and pass me a tissue on the way out.

Filed under: Events,Parenting,Teens,Tips — Tags: , , — Annie @ 3:00 am
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Dad, let the boy explore in his own time

June 5, 2013

Dad, I'm gonna check this out. See you later.

Not to get all Zen, but the future takes care of itself. Tomorrow will dawn without our help. Of course, sometimes we benefit from planning before we get there. Then it’s smart to prep. Stupid not to. But it’s also possible to jump the gun and set ourselves up for unnecessary worry because there is no there yet. And what are you going to prep for if you don’t know where you’re going? That’s what’s happening with this dad who is tying himself in knots about a “career path” for his fifteen year old:

Dear Annie,

My son just started 10th grade and has excellent grades. He’s very responsible and has a great attitude. When I was his age I got no career advice and even after I finished my education I didn’t get proper guidance. I’ve told him this, but he’s not interested in talking about careers. My wife never worked in her field of study because she didn’t enjoy it. She often says, “I wish someone would have told me about other career choices.” It causes me stress to think that my son might say that some day. I want him to choose wisely about a career path. What resources can you recommend?

Stressed Dad

Dear Dad,

Your son is fifteen. He’s a great student and a good kid. You’ve done a terrific job as his dad. Congratulations! Now I’m going to give you some advice you’re probably not expecting: Lighten up! Your son isn’t ready for career advice. His disinterest tells you that. If he’s like most students, he’ll enter college not yet knowing what interests him. For this reason colleges don’t require students to declare a major until the end of sophomore year or beginning of junior year. Your son has five more years of exploring and maturing. He needs it.

I understand that you regret not having had “proper” guidance at age 15, but your son is not you. Please try to relax. If you continue to make this an issue you will drive a wedge between you and your son. A year from now his school’s counseling staff will begin talking about SATs, college visits, applications, etc. Unless your son takes the initiative before then and starts showing interest in programs offered at different colleges there’s no need to give him career advice now. Let him be a 15 year old.

You love your son and you want the best possible future for him. Sometimes the best way to parent is to step back a bit. Whenever you notice your stress levels rising it’s time to breathe. Slow deep breaths will relax your mind and tamp down the urge to push the boy. Remind yourself, “My son is an intelligent, level-headed young man. He will find his path in life. If he asks for guidance I will share my experience and do my best to help him discover what he most finds fulfillment in doing.”

OK? Good dad. Happy Father’s Day.

Filed under: Parenting — Annie @ 3:00 am
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