Most kids fall into friendships like they fall in love. Most adults do too. Your son and his best buddy met and bonded at age seven when they played on the same soccer team. Your daughter met her bff when her fifth grade teacher paired them up for a science project. When temperament and the friendship gods are aligned, friendships grow in positive directions and both kids benefit greatly. Both sets of parents may also become friends. Siblings too! And so the circle of friendship grows.

It’s also true that a friendship, just like those two kids at the wheel, can grow apart. Sometimes the parting is a gradual and gentle fading that leaves only positive feelings and memories. More often, especially in 5th-8th grade, a friendship’s demise is more dramatic because the desire to “get away” is one-sided.  Because most kids don’t have the tools to be simultaneously assertive and respectful they may feel stuck, vulnerable, unhappy and/or coerced to be mean.

Here is just one the recent friendship questions I’ve received:

Did you hear…?

Tween: Me and my old friend have a lot of history together and we always fight and argue. I can’t trust her no more. Like always, today she went and talked behind my back. We texted and talked it out she said she didn’t say these things behind my back when I know she did!  I can’t trust her.  I’m just confused. Should I give this person another chance and be her friend?–Confused Friend

When kids clearly express what’s upsetting them I’m always surprised when they follow it up with “I’m confused.” I guess I shouldn’t be. When it comes to what they feel about the way they’re being treated, there is no “confusion.” But typically, the girls and guys who write to me are “confused” (aka clueless) about how to respond to someone who treats them badly. Their inability to stand up for themselves will come back to haunt our kids again and again in their friendships and in later romantic and professional relationships. 

Teaching our kids Relationship Smarts is part of every parent’s job description. It’s not just The Talk, it’s many open and honest conversations that help kids understand what a healthy relationship looks and feels like plus what to do when a course adjustment is needed. We need to teach our children how to create a set of friendship standards. It starts with the understanding that all relationships are a 2-way street and that real friends (the only kind worth having) are trustworthy, respectful, and supportive. Real friends are also willing and able to resolve the inevitable conflicts that arise in all peer relationships.

That’s the curriculum they need along with lots of time to practice and perfect their skills and to learn from their inevitable mistakes. It’s an ongoing process. But I usually get just one shot at teaching anything to the kids who email me. Here’s my reply to Confused Friend:

Annie: You can’t be close friends with someone you don’t trust because trust is the basis for a real friendship. Without it, the friendship is broken. If your old friend has continually proved to be UN-trustworthy, why do you want to set yourself up for another disappointment or betrayal by giving her another chance?

Tween: Thx you are right. Why would I want to set myself up again? But if I tell her I’m not her friend no more she will get angry and sad and cry.

Annie: She may. But you still have to tell her, just say the words in a calm and respectful way. Explain to her exactly why you are taking a “break” from this friendship. (“I don’t feel like I can trust you any more.”) Then say goodbye and spend time with other friends… people you can trust. And please, make an agreement with yourself not to talk about your old friend to anyone. That’s gossip and it’s hurtful. You’ve been on the other side of that. Make sure you don’t do the same thing to someone else. I hope this helps.

In friendship,

Annie