I try not to saddle up with the Bad Parent police, but this time I couldn’t resist though I knew I’d be walking a fine line. It started with an email from a teen whose mom had just passed away. His dad told him real men don’t cry. And that his mom would be ashamed of him if he did. Dad commanded the kid to “Forget about it and move on.”
Oh dear.
Pretend you don’t see me.
The kid turned to me for advice because he was so devastated. He was also afraid he’d cry at the funeral and would enrage and embarrass his dad. It’s hard to believe we’re actually having this conversation in 21st century America, but social evolution don’t come easy. Anyway, here’s what I wrote to the kid:
With all due respect to your father, he’s wrong about real men not crying. He’s wrong about the way to “move on” after a loved one’s death. He is also wrong when he says your mom would be “ashamed” if you cried. None of it is true. I’m guessing that he’s as heart-broken as you are about losing your mom. He probably didn’t grow up in a family where tears were as acceptable as laughter, so he just doesn’t know how to deal with this terrible grief he’s feeling. And because he doesn’t know what to do at this sad time, it makes him very uncomfortable to see you crying. But let me tell you something, sweetie, you need to cry. And maybe seeing you cry, like the real young man you are, would free something up in your father so he could get real and cry too.
Ever heard of PTSD? (post traumatic stress syndrome) It’s often used to describe what can happen to soldiers who have been in combat. They come home assuming all they need to do is forget about the war and everything that happened. So they bottle up their feelings and don’t talk about their experiences. But these soldiers have nightmares and scary flashbacks until they start talking about the terrible things they saw and felt. When they open up and express the emotions, they begin to heal and to truly move on.
Losing your mom was and still is traumatic. If you can’t freely express the sadness, confusion and yes, maybe even the anger you’re feeling (at the “unfairness” of it all) then you may develop a form of PTSD.
Stuffing your tears and trying to deny or “forget” what you’ve been through is not the way to move on. It doesn’t work for soldiers and it doesn’t work for people who are grieving. It is absolutely normal and healthy to cry at your mother’s funeral. Feel what you feel and let it out. Otherwise, you may become overwhelmed by emotions you can’t express or unable to feel anything.
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