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January 25, 2016
 Yes it is the end of the world and don’t tell me it’s not! If you’ve got a tween at home you’ve probably dealt with an emotional outburst once or twice. Depending on frequency and duration, you may have wondered, “This can’t be normal!” Read on…
Dear Annie,
My 11 year old daughter is VERY dramatic. Every situation seems like “the end of the world.” She yells, cries, and shuts down. Last night, she was having a meltdown and I grabbed her by the arm and firmly directed her to her room and she flopped on the ground as if I seriously pushed her! This is not the first time this has happened.
I am usually very good about keeping my cool, but in her moments of complete breakdown I lose my cool, too. She has a breakdown at least once a month. I need coping skills and I need coping skills to teach her. (Her meltdown was over having a very small mustache and said she would be teased. This is understandable, but I feel like I could have handled it better and she could have too.) Please help! –Melting Down Mama
Dear Mama,
Whatever’s going on with your daughter is going on with most tweens. Not sure if that’s a comforting fact, but it ought to be. Your daughter is normal and so are her meltdowns. On top of that, anything having to do with her personal appearance is likely to make her feel insecure and highly volatile. OMG!
Every day her hormones challenge her ability to manage her emotions responsibly because the part of her brain that helps her regulate moods is still “under construction” and will be for at least another ten years. Seriously.
I admire your recognizing you could have handled it better. You know it’s not ok to let out your frustration by grabbing your daughter’s arm or getting physical with her in any way. You need to figure out how to calm down (fast) when she’s in one of her moods otherwise you’ll make the situation worse and alienate your daughter. I know you don’t want to do either.
When it comes to dealing with emotional tweens I’m a fan of preventative medicine. Please have a look at this stress-busting technique developed by Dr. Herbert Benson, M.D. (associate professor of Medicine at Harvard Medical School). It is a simple method for achieving a Relaxation Response (vs a Stress response). Read through the steps and try them. This really works and yes, it takes practice.
I hope this helps you and your daughter. And remember, no one stays a tween forever. No one stays the parents of one, either!
In friendship,
Annie
January 17, 2016
 New teen novel, coming soon to a door near you My daughter and son (both writers) strongly encouraged me to write a teen novel as part of NaNoWriMo. That can happen when you spend years telling your kids, “You can do it, sweetie!”
Never heard of National Novel Writing Month? It’s an official kick-in-the-pants to start that book you always said you wanted to write. The challenge: Write 50,000 (mostly cogent) words in thirty days. To reach 50K you’ve got to hit 1687 words per day. Was I up for it? Sure, why not?
Nov. 1, 2013 I began with an idea inspired by a true story of a teen suicide attributed to bullying. Thirty days and 30,000 words later I was so hooked on the story idea and the process of turning it into a novel, I had no choice but to continue working. Fiction writers say they keep at it to “find out what happens next in the story.” Absolutely true. Every time I sat down to work on the novel, my characters told me more about who they are, what they need, and why they do what they do. By listening closely and following the breadcrumbs the story unfolded and I was constantly amazed by what came through my fingers onto the keyboard. I have no idea where this stuff comes from, I’m just grateful to have a channel into it.
Now, twenty-six months later, my color coded system blankets my office door and my characters won’t quit yapping ’til I deliver their story to teens.
Which brings me to the present.
Nope, my water hasn’t broken and there are no contractions yet, but we’re in a new phase. The manuscript is “this close” to being ready to leave my laptop and get some professional input.
Stay tuned.
January 8, 2016
 Hearing isn’t the same as listening Parents of teens have one of the roughest jobs. The dynamic between you and your son/daughter is changing so quickly it can be challenging to stay focused on your job description. It was easier when the kids were younger and you could pick them up, if you needed to, and get them out of harm’s way. With teens, it’s not always clear what your job is or how to do it.
There’s no single golden rulebook for parenting (though I’ve written a good one and so have lots of other people in the know), but these 10 tips can help you stay centered. And that’s exactly where you need to be if you want to be an effective parent and role model for your adolescent kids.
- Remember that you are the parent — Your job is to protect your child and prepare him/her to become a fully functioning adult. Being a leader and a compassionate teacher is more important than being your teen’s friend.
- Remain calm — Nothing gets resolved when stress makes it impossible to think clearly. Can’t respond rationally? Then take a break until you can.
- Talk less and listen more — Just like the rest of us, teens want to be respected and heard. Be a “safe” and available person to talk to.
- It’s a balancing act — A key challenge in parenting teens is to remain emotionally connected while granting your kids more privacy and autonomy.
- They’re always watching – Want your teen to be trustworthy, responsible, and compassionate? Make sure you’re modeling those values in your own life.
- Make your expectations clear and be consistent with your follow-through— If kids know the consequences ahead of time and they’ve bought into the rules of the house, they’re more likely to make healthy choices.
- Catch your teen in the act of doing something right — Praise shows that you noticed their efforts. It also promotes a feeling of competency.
- Be real — Father/mother does NOT always know best. Admit your own confusion and mistakes. Apologize when appropriate. Show your kids that just like them, you too are also “a work in progress.”
- Regularly create time to enjoy being a family — Having regular meals together and relaxing, unplugged from digital technology, is a gift with long-lasting benefits.
- Lighten up! — Humor is a great de-stressor. Remember, no one stays a teen (or the parent of a teen) forever!
If you’ve got other tips for parenting tweens and teens, I’d love to hear from you.
January 6, 2016
 Yes, but how? Some people say, “No more gun laws! We can solve the problem of gun violence in America by helping folks with mental illness.”
Effective gun laws or effective help for people with “issues?” False choice. Don’t take the bait. It’s not an either/or thing.
Reducing violence is a worthy goal. We all agree. So how do we make progress toward that goal?
- Make it more difficult for individuals with violent intentions to get their hands on weapons.
- De-stigmatize mental illness and provide effective, affordable, accessible community resources for individuals and families.
Not either/or. Both.
One more thing… the solution must also include teaching kids how to manage their emotions so no one gets hurt.
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