Friendship | Annie Fox's Blog

New school year, new friends

August 1, 2013

With all the Back to School sales, where do you get new friends? I recently got this email from a teen who’s dealing with family stuff and major friendship challenges.

Hey Terra,

My grandpa died recently. I loved him so much. Now I feel like I have no one to turn to because my friends don’t seem to care. At first they helped me cope with my grandpa’s death but now they hardly speak to me. My mind’s all over the place. I’ve never felt this vulnerable or lonely. And school starts next week! How can I try and make new friends?

All Alone

Lean on me

Dear All Alone,

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandfather. This is a sad time for your family. Hold each other close and help each other through the heartache.

As for your friends, they care about you. But maybe they’re afraid they’ll say the “wrong thing” and upset you, so they believe it’s safer not to talk to you at all. (Fear doesn’t usually make us smarter or kinder.) When it comes to a major life changes like death, divorce, illness, injury, kids and adults often a) pretend nothing happened and/or b) avoid the person who really needs support. I understand what you’re going through. My dad died when I was 15 and my friends were as awkward and unhelpful as yours. You want and deserve more support. But where can you get it? Your parents? Siblings? Cousins? Yes! You’ve all lost Grandpa and you all have shared memories of him. Talk to family members about how “vulnerable,” “lonely” and sad you’ve been feeling.

You can also make new friends. The start of school is a great time for mixing things up and reaching out to new people. Think about what you’re looking for in a friend. For example, what’s important to you when it comes to friendship? Make a couple of real lists on the computer or better yet, on paper. On one, describe the personality traits you most admire in a real friend. On the other, describe the kind of friend you are. In other words, what are your best “friendship” traits? When you’re done with both lists start “shopping.” Keep your mind and heart open, be friendly, and you will find new friends.

Good luck and have a great school year.

In friendship,
Terra (aka Annie)

Filed under: Friendship,Parenting,Teens — Tags: back to school, family crisis, Friendship, making new friends, new school year, support, Teens — Annie @ 1:57 pm

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Girls’ friendship issues are… HUGE

April 27, 2013

UPDATE (See end of blog for exciting news about my new book.)

Last month I started working on a new girls’ friendship book with awesome illustrator Erica De Chavez.

If you have a daughter, you don’t need me to tell you that girl friendships can be super complicated and fraught with challenges for girls and their moms! When things get sticky, kindness and respect often go missing in action and feelings get hurt all around.

Since 1997, girls from all over the planet have been turning to me for help in navigating their friendship messes. I guess that makes me an expert on social garbage. The girls who email me are tweens and teens. But I thought, if I write a book to help younger girls, maybe they will have easier friendships when they get to middle school. We can always hope, right? But hope is no strategy for making things better. What our girls need are effective tools for managing conflicts. Combine those tools with the self-respect and social courage to use them… now we’re talking about effective strategies for positive change.

Here’s a sneak peek at the book:

Q: Every time me and my friend have a private conversation, this new girl pulls her away. What do I do??

A: I don’t blame you for not wanting your private conversations interrupted. That’s so annoying! It sounds like the new girl has lots of power, but she doesn’t have all the power. If your friend didn’t want to get pulled away she could tell the girl to stop. She hasn’t done that yet. And you haven’t yet told your friend how you’ve been feeling.

Real friends tell each other the truth. Talk to her. You might say something like this: “I don’t like it when ____ pulls you away from me. How come you let her do that?” Then close your mouth and listen to what your friend has to say.

The next time the new girl tries to yank her away, your friend will either stand up for herself or she’ll let herself be yanked. That’s her choice. One more thing you might think about: Why is the new girl snatching your friend? It’s not always easy being the “new girl” who doesn’t have friends yet. I think that would feel LONELY! She probably just wants a friend and doesn’t know a more polite way to make one. Maybe you and your friend could team up with her and be friends together. That could work!

Anyway, the snatching stuff needs to stop. So talk to your friend. If things don’t change, what are you going do? You can either stand there watching the two of them go off together or you can reach out to other girls and make some new friends. You see, you have choices too!

______________

Sneak peek #2 and sneak peek #3 of the Girls’ Friendship Q&A Book.

UPDATE: July 22, 2014 After a year in production, The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship will be published by Electric Eggplant in September. Just in time for the new school year and the inevitable friendship drama heading toward your 8–12 year old daughter. Every girl needs friendship support from time to time. My book provides that plus:real world advice for navigating through the “social garbage,” friendship quizzes, and advice from older girls about how to be a Super Friend. If you’d like to preorder The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship for a girl in your life, or you’d just like a personal heads-up when the book is available, email me (Connect@AnnieFox.com).

UPDATE: October 3, 2014 It’s here! The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA is now available in print and on Kindle (the ebook can be read on any device, your mobile phone, tablet, or computer with the free Kindle reader app). Visit GirlsQandA.com for an excerpt, reviews, and to order your copy.