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October 25, 2014
This question was asked of me on my current Girls’ Q&A Book blog tour, by Deborah McNelis, educator and founder of Brain InSights.
Deborah: Is there an aspect of friendships that you find to be most common from girls?
Annie: Yes! A common thread weaves its way through most girl friendship conflicts and makes girls feel trapped in uncomfortable peer relationships. It’s a misconception many girls have about their role in a friendship– a bizarre assumption that: “If I speak up for myself in a friendship, I am not being a good friend.” This creates huge problems for girls because when they are upset, they need to express themselves effectively and appropriately to their friend. (Talking behind her back doesn’t count as effective communication!)
Because girls are often unwilling and/or unable to initiate those necessary conversations, they feel miserable and complete stuck in their misery. They believe a “good friend” should never tell a friend something negative because then she will hurt the friend’s feelings. And that’s mean. So, if I, Annie, am hurt by something my bff Deborah did, I can not tell her, otherwise I will not be a good friend. But Deborah is not a mind reader. If I stay silent, Deborah has no way of knowing how I feel. My silence will, in fact, send the message that it is OK for her to continue treating me badly, even though it is not OK! My silence also leaves me feeling upset and powerless, not realizing that I do have power to change my response to this situation.
There is no girls’ friendship drama that can’t be made WORSE… through staying silent, venting behind a friend’s back, or pretending things are just peachy. Since we’re here to help girls make things better, one way is to give them opportunities to talk things through with us parents and teachers. Another is to do actual role play with them to boost their confidence in having these honest conversations. And finally, it’s our job to help them realize that they are never without options for feeling better about themselves in any relationship.
Every Friday at #GirlDramaChat we discuss girls’ friendship challenges and smart strategies for teaching them compassion, respect, and social courage. Follow me @GirlDramaChat for updates.
 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship without the DRAMA
October 13, 2014
Let’s talk about reality. What is real? Girls’ friendship issues are real. So is the damage they can cause.
 The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship. Up with compassion and social courage. Down with social garbage. The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friends without the DRAMA is also real. I wrote it. Erica De Chavez illustrated it, brilliantly. And it’s now available in print and on Kindle. No Kindle? No problem. It can be downloaded and read beautifully on anything, except maybe a microwave. If you’re not in the US, you can get the book on whatever Amazon site you usually shop on. My desire to criss-cross the world helping girls with their friendship challenges is real. So is the need to reduce the social garbage kids slog through daily, online and off. My book can make things better for tweens and the adults who care about them. But alas, I had no budget for plane fares, hotels, food (and I do like to eat). Life is not virtual, but book tours can be. So… I got a virtual bus…
 Girls’ Q&A Book Blog Tour Bus. Fueled by good friendship strategies. Zero social garbage emissions. Last week I hit the virtual road answering real friendship questions and letting girls and parents and teachers know that when it comes to curtailing the spread of Mean Girl Disease, we can do better. Here’s my itinerary… Pop in any time. I hope to see you and your girls. And don’t worry about expired dates. I’m still there. Ah… the beauty of virtual existence.
December 10th>Deborah Gilboa’s blog at AskDrG.Com
December 5th>“What Really Matters” podcast at VickyandJen.com
November 19th>Amy Fortney Parks’ blog at Wise-EdServices.com
November 18>Sarah Newton’s blog at SarahNewton.org
November 13>Amy Jussel’s blog at ShapingYouth.org
November 7th>Nuala O’Hanlon’s blog at KeystoneCreations.com.au
November 5th>Megan Hunter’s blog at UnhookedMedia.com
November 3rd>Vicky Thornton and Jen Rehberger’s blog at VickyAndJen.blogspot.com
October 29th>Wendy Morelli’s blog at Tweenhood.ca
October 27th>Janine Hallorin’s blog at EncouragePlay.com
October 24th>Deborah McNelis’s blog at BrainInsights.blogspot.com
October 23rd>Beth Engleman’s blog at MommyOnAShoestring.com
October 20th>Jean Tracy’s blog at ParentingSkillsBlog.com
October 17th> Drawp blog at Drawp.it
October 16th> Louise Masin Sattler’s blog at LouiseSattler.me
October 15th> Beth Onufrak’s blog at DrBethKids.com
October 13th> Carl Grody’s blog at GrodyFamilyCounseling.com
October 13th> Wendy Young’s blog at Kidlutions.com
October 13th> Erin Harris’ blog at CrisisPrevention.com
October 10th> Sarah Newton’s blog at SarahNewton.com
October 10th> Dr. Amy Alamar’s blog at Parenting for the Genius
October 6th> Dr. Kimberly Palmiotto’s blog at Coastal Education Services
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If you have friendship questions, post them to COMMENTS and I’ll answer them here. No reason my own blog shouldn’t be part of the blog tour too!
August 29, 2014
When you’re all cozy in a friendship you can totally relax. Even going to school is more fun because your friend is there. But when you move to a school where you know no one, and your bff friend from your old school stops acting like a friend, then nothing feels right.
I recently got this email from a girl who is in that sad place:
Hey Terra,
Last year I moved to a new place. Later I heard that my best friend was best friends with some new girl. That girl is apparently really popular and cool (and also kinda mean) and in one year’s time my bff has become friends with all the poplar kids at school. I know it’s wrong of me, but I feel really sad and envious. I have seen posts of both of them saying how much fun they have together and how they love each other. (Come on! I knew her much longer than this new girl!) And the sucky part is that at my new school, my new friends keep ditching me. I feel so depressed. 🙁
–Sad and Jealous
Dear Sad and Jealous,
When you moved, what did you expect your best friend to do? Spend all day in her room feeling sad and lonely? Of course she missed you. She also wanted and needed new friends. I’m guessing that you are feeling “sad and envious” because you haven’t yet connected with real friends at your new school. HINT: Real friends do not “keep ditching” you.
A new school year just started. My best advice: stop checking your old friend’s FB page. It’s bringing you down! Don’t do it any more. Instead create a new goal for yourself… “I’m going to find a new best friend.”
Here’s how:
- Grab a piece of paper and make a list (I love lists!)
- Think long and deep about what’s really important to you in a friendship.
- Write down all the traits you are looking for in a best friend. For example, you might write: Loyal, a sense of humor, intelligent, shares my interests… etc etc etc.
- Use that list and go “shopping” for a new best friend. (Be on the lookout for the kind of people at school who’ve got what you want in a friend.)
- When you find one, smile, say, “Hi,” and see what happens.
Go for it! Good luck! And please let me know how it goes.
Three weeks later…
Hey Terra,
I’M DOING GREAT 😀 I made a few more new friends who wont ditch me? and I think I have gotten over my old best friend. Though I think it would still take some time before I make a best friend.
Thank you so much, Terra!
I love happy beginnings. ;O)
If you could use some new friends this year (you can never have too many of the real kind) make a list and go shopping. It could work for you, too.
August 19, 2014
After more than a year’s collaboration, our work on The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship is wrapping up. Illustrated by the ridiculously talented Erica DeChavez, my book for 8-12 year old girls, is coming next month from Electric Eggplant.
I’m super excited when I think about all the girls this book is going to help. Let’s face it, a new school year always brings friendship issues (aka social garbage.) The Girls’ Friendship Q&A Book is a cure for mean-girl behavior. (You’ve had enough of that, right?) With 50 questions from real girls (and answers that really solve the problem), plus tons of quizzes and awesome advice from older teens about how to be a Super-Friend, this book will teach you a whole lot about empathy and social courage. Something we can all use more of.
Sneak Peek from The Girls’ Friendship Q&A Book> Here’s one of the book’s fifty questions and answers:
A new girl from another country gets teased because she doesn’t speak English. I want to be nice to her, but I’m afraid people will tease me. Should I be her friend?
You already know the answer to your question, but you need some support. That’s why I’m here. Yes, you should be her friend! She has come from far away to a place that is very strange to her and she needs a friend. Imagine how you’d feel moving to some place that’s very different from what you’re used to. What would it be like not to understand what people are saying and to have no one understand you? She’s got a lot to deal with. Now imagine how she feels being teased. Having a friend like you could really help.
You say you’re worried the teasers might turn on you. They might. Or they might become friendlier to the new girl when you show them the way. You have the chance to do something important, and you are brave enough to do it.
Be kind. Show this girl that people in your country can be very welcoming. You’ll gain a new friend and learn amazing things about her and her culture.
Go for it and good luck!
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For updates on the publication of The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship, follow me on twitter and visit GirlsQandA.com
UPDATE October 4, 2014: The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA is now available in print and on Kindle (the ebook can be read on any device, your mobile phone, tablet, or computer with the free Kindle reader app). Visit GirlsQandA.com for an excerpt, reviews, and to order your copy.
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