Holidays | Annie Fox's Blog

For Parents: It’s beginning to feel…

December 2, 2008

Corte Madera Town Band

The Sunday after Thanksgiving isn’t supposed to look like … April. Not even in the San Francisco Bay Area. Most likely it’s global weirding. And while there’s absolutely nothing in that inconvenient truth to lift my spirits, it’s hard to get too worked up when it’s 60 and sunny and I’m sipping Earl Grey and watching chilled out families in their t-shirts and flip-flops.

In addition to the first rate people-watching opps here at Corte Madera Town Center, I’m also listening to David play trombone along with the 49 other members of the Corte Madera Town Band. This is the annual outdoor concert where they all wearing Santa hats and serenade the shoppers. Sure, I’ve heard them play these same tunes at least twen… ‘Scuse me, had to quit typing for a minute to lead the applause for “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire…” or whatever that song is actually called. But charred chestnuts aside, the Sunday crowd is loving this and so am I.

The music radiates vibes of peace and love, and also apparently the urgent need for a deli sandwich and a cold drink. The familiar melodies permeate the mammalian brain where they joggle good time memories and turn off the urge to put one foot in front of the other. So people stop and stand in friendly knots, smiling to themselves and to their kids and to total strangers who are standing, singing along and smiling to their kids. Eveyone is, for the moment, bobbing, swaying, tapping and connecting without digital technology to something pretty cool. A surprising gift, unfolding, in real time, right here.

Like all emotions, togetherness is fleeting… as evidenced by the folks who park and unpark in the two empty seats beside me and my laptop.

Blonde Mom#1 with her little boy. The kid is really into his chocolate cupcake. Doesn’t seem like he has any spare brain cells to take in the Christmas hit parade. But clearly I misjudge his ability to multi-task because when Mom says, “Let’s go now,” he pipes up, “One more song!” Mom’s not thrilled, but they strike a compromise. She lets him sit through “Winter Wonderland” (sleigh bells and all) while she scrubs the chocolate off of his mouth, chin, nose, cheeks and ears.

Very old woman… a walking ad for the importance of sunscreen… lights up when she spots the empty chair. But as soon as she eases herself in, she pops up again and tries to move it. I’m all for getting what you want in life, but furniture arranging during a concert… maybe not the best idea. Especially when we’re talking about a wrought-iron chair amongst other closely placed wrought–iron chairs standing on uneven cobblestones. Tough going. I was about to offer to help, when she starts looking around with a worried expression. Maybe she’s picturing the chair police swooping down on her. Though I’m thinking it’s more likely that she’s looking for Grandpa, who she left at the Apple store without mentioning that she was going to hang out by the band. A minute later she’s gone.

A couple of gay guys, both carrying ultra-cool cell phones, stop by.

Gay guy#1 (flashing a warm smile and touching my hand): May we sit here?

Annie (smiling back): Sure thing!

Gay guy#1 (squeezing my hand): Cool!

Gay guy#2 (enthusiastically clapping along with “Let it Snow”): This is such a surprise!

Gay guy#1: Yeah. Very Cool!

Indian mom with her daughter.

Little Girl: (looking at me): Mom, why is that lady writing?

Annie: (to LG) Because I’m a writer. I’m watching all these people and writing down what I see… it’s how I get ideas for stories. (Actually I knew this would turn into a blog, but I thought the story concept would be easier for the kid to understand. And really, it’s all a story, right?)

Annie: Do you like to write stories?

LG: (shaking her head)

Annie: But I’ll bet you like to READ stories, don’t you?

LG (lighting up): Yes!

Annie (thinking): Well, where do you think stories come from? From people like me who take notes while talking to people like you.

Blonde Mom#2 (carrying Little Blondie, her 11 month old daughter): Is someone sitting here?

Annie: You are.

Little Blondie: (bopping along to “It’s Beginning to Look A lot Like Christmas): Yah, yah! Yah!

Annie: She seems to like music.

Mom: She LOVES it! My husband is a professional musician. We’re trying to figure out what instrument we should start her on.

Annie (thinking) Maybe she should learn to walk and talk first.

After the band played Feliz Navidad (throughout which the grandpa across the way crooned into the ear of his little grandson) Little Blondie’s face fell.

LB (little clouds gathering on her brow): MFPLR?

Mom: (to Annie): She wants more music.

Annie: Ah.

Phew! Good thing the musical Santas launched into “My Favorite Things” or little Blondie was heading for a meltdown. As long as the band played on, it looked like Mom would have a challenge getting on with her day, but when she was ready…

Mom (matter of factly):Time to leave after this next song.

Mom (picking up LB after the song ended): Time to leave. Say bye bye.

Super Nanny would have been impressed.

Annie: Bye bye.

The band was saying bye bye too. It’s the end of a long holiday weekend and people are acting like it’s been a good one. And it has… even if the weather is totally weird.

Filed under: Holidays,Parenting — Tags: Corte Madera Town Band, music — Annie @ 9:11 pm

Comments (2)

You need help, Mom?

November 24, 2008

Ezra Fox makes a pie (from scratch) for Thanksgiving

Just read a cautionary tale in today’s Dear Abby. The letter was from a martyr… I mean a mother describing how her two adult daughters arrive for Thanksgiving each year expecting the guest-treatment. For some mysterious reason, these “girls” never offer to help their mother with the annual banquet she produces for 20+ people. That is, not until Mom, frazzled, frustrated, and fatigued totally loses it, slumps to the kitchen floor in her gravy-stained apron and whimpers like a pathetic dog. At which point the princesses exchange eye-rolls (not nearly as appreciated as Parker House) and deign to lift sponge or dish towel.

As I read about this family situation my blood-pressure escalated to vein-throbbing levels. I too became frustrated and resentful, but I reserved all my exasperation for the mom. I mean, really, where did she think her lovelies learned to blithely ignore household tasks? How in God’s name had they reached adulthood without a modicum of common courtesy and awareness that demands that even if you truly are a dinner guest in the home of someone you’ve never met before, you offer to help. (In addition, as my mom taught me, you are also required to bring bakery goodies in a pink box.)

So, Dear Abby Mom, if you’re wondering where Drizella and Anatasia picked up their entitled attitudes… look in the mirror. But don’t get distracted by the smudges you see there and reach for the Windex. This is a time for self-reflection about the kind of parent you have been. But wait! Fault-finding is a waste of time and you’ve only got 3 days left til Thanksgiving! So here’s how to change the situation this holiday season and forevermore. And for the rest of us who could use some help getting some help around the house these tips are for you too.

1. Apologize to your daughters today. (I’m serious!) You’ve taught them that your job is to serve them throughout eternity. So it’s not their fault that they bought into it. But you were wrong. Your job, as their mom, is to prepare them to be fully functioning adults. By compulsively doing for them that which they should learn to do for themselves, you do them no favors. In fact, you’ve held them back in their development of a cooperative spirit. They’re adults now. They make their own choices, so how they act now is not your doing, but you certainly contributed to their self-centeredness. Admit it. Apologize. And move forward.

2. Make a list of all the things that need to be done between now and the dinner bell on Thursday. Oh, and don’t forget to add one general last item: “Clean up after dinner.”

3. Share the list with your daughters and any other able-bodied family members who will be at dinner. Say, as assertively as possible (no shouting, pleading, guilt-tripping, etc.) “This is what needs to be done. Which of these tasks are you going to take responsibility for?” If you have no confidence in their offers (due to past flakiness) then get it in writing. After each self-selected assignment, say, “Thanks. We’re all counting on you.”

4. Make a statement. Get used to saying, whenever necessary (holiday or not) “Hey guys, I need some help in here.” (Notice that it isn’t a question.) There’s a good reason for that. Annie Fox Research shows that when you want something done by your spouse, son or daughter, your chances of compliance drop to a mere 20% when you pose your request in the form of a question that has a “yes” or “no” answer. Dear Abby Mom shouldn’t be asking, “Can I count on you to help?” “Will you please help me?” “Can I ask you a favor?” “Do you have a minute?” No, no, no, not now, Mom. See what I mean?

5. Know that you are loved. You don’t need to do it all to be loved, appreciated, admired. You are already all of those things. And guess what? No one will love you more if they know that you personally crushed each cranberry, and did everything else without help. But you will probably love everyone and your time together as a family much less if you do it all the work.

6. Teach them! If you don’t get the whole family involved in the process, how can they learn to a) make a killer Thanksgiving dinner on their own some day and b) teach your future grandkids how to be cooperative members of the family?

Happy Thanksgiving, from our home to yours!

In friendship,

Annie

P.S. Want more info on how to stress less this holiday season? Listen here. to my recent blogtalkradio conversation with innovative parenting coach Joe Bruzzese.

Filed under: Holidays,Parenting,Tips — Tags: Dear Abby, family chores, stress, Thanksgiving — Annie @ 1:58 pm

Comments (6)

« Newer Posts