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February 14, 2013
 Love is all around. Take what you need. Give what you can. David and I have celebrated a lot of Valentine’s Days together… so much chocolate! I appreciate how our partnership contributes to my health and well being. It makes so much of what I do possible. I also especially appreciate how our relationship continues to get better. How can that be? We work at it. A lot. We’re not aiming for perfect, only progress in the direction of more kindness, compassion and fun.
And so, on this Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d share what I’ve learned about love after 38 years of marriage. Take what makes sense to you. Leave the rest. I hope it helps in whatever ways you need.
- It’s not about who you love, it’s about how.
- If it’s getting in the way of being together, as friends and lovers, talk about it.
- Be totally trustworthy and require the same from your partner.
- Look for opportunities to ease your partner’s mind and tight shoulder muscles.
- Turn off the Opinionator and listen with an open heart and mind.
- From time to time, just clean up someone else’s mess without expecting an Academy Award.
- Don’t cheat… ever.
- If you or your partner has created a break in trust, do what makes sense to learn from it and move on… if you can.
- Be a safe person for your partner to show his/her vulnerability and strength.
- Show that you know and understand who s/he really is.
- “Let’s go for a walk” is a lovely thing to say.
- Do the dishes, even if it’s not your turn.
- Nurture the romance and the friendship because the kids will grow up and leave.
- Make food together and enjoy what you’ve dished up.
- Don’t look for perfection only progress… in yourself and your partner.
- Find at least one thing, outside of the house, that you enjoy doing together and do it… regularly.
- Put down the damn phone iPad, Kindle, laptop and hold each other close.
- Bring home an occasional surprise treat as a “just because” gift of love.
- Anger comes in two varieties… the clean kind (I’m upset & here’s why) and the dirty kind (You ALWAYS do this!) Keep it clean.
- Use your love for your partner to give your best self. It’ll become ingrained and then you can give it to everyone.
- Be nice. Save the contempt for… actually, don’t save if for anyone.
- Share that last chocolate chip cookie.
- When your lover wants to talk about something that’s important to him/her (but not to you), stop and LISTEN with genuine interest.
- When a hug is given, hug back, no matter how crappy a mood you’re in. It’ll make you feel better.
- Show appreciation. Even after years of being together, “Please” and “Thank you” are signs of caring.
- Unplug when you’re with your sweetie and be where you are. It shows “You matter to me more than checking FB.”
- Fill up the gas tank because you know your partner needs the car tomorrow.
- Making your honey a snack is an act of love.
- Make eye contact and a smile when s/he walks into the room.
- Dark chocolate. Lots of it to share.
- When your lover is out in public playing a sport, performing, presenting, be front & center, cheering him/her on!
- Let there be togetherness in your chores. Cleaning up, doing laundry, shopping is sweeter when you’re doing it together.
- When your lover looks great, tell him/her. When s/he has had better days, do NOT say a word!
- If your lover is under the weather (or on a work deadline) do more than your share around the house with a smile.
- If you notice your honey has spinach bits between teeth or (horrors!) a booger… speak up (discreetly, of course!)
- Foot rubs are such a gift!(if you like having your feet touched) Otherwise… ask what else would feel better.
- Be helpful, without being asked.
- Listening with an open heart and an open mind leads to understanding. Understanding increases love.
- Say the words “I love you” like you really mean it. Yes, from time to time, we all need to hear the words.
- A gift is most appreciated when it reflects how well you know and understand your sweetie.
- Flirting with anyone other than your sweetie is disrespectful to your lover and your relationship. Just don’t. If you find your affections wandering, take it as an opportunity to make the relationship stronger. Say, “Honey, I need more _____ from you.”
- Dark chocolate… wrapped or unwrapped. Lots of it. Frequently. Share.
- Forgiveness is a gift to you, your partner, and the relationship. Let go of resentment or it will poison everything.
- Be the kind of partner you’d like your partner to be.
- Show how much you appreciate having him/her in your life. Not just on Valentine’s, but every day
- Your kids learn about love and loving by the way you treat them and by the way you and your partner treat each other.
- When your partner is worried don’t say, “That’s ridiculous!” (even if it is.) Just be there with support and encouragement.
- Look for opportunities to be helpful. Don’t wait to be asked.
- Smile at your sweetie. It sends a great message and you always cuter when you’re happy.
- Do something special together today to celebrate your love. We all need that from time to time. This would be a good time. Enjoy.
Happy Valentine’s Day from our hearts to yours!
January 15, 2013
 Helping Others? Game ON! We all say we want to live in a community where people care about their neighbors – not only when we’re in desperate need, but every day. Because the every day stuff is what makes up your life and mine, and that couple across the street. (What’s their name?)
There are countless ways to show we care and most of them are ridiculously simple. Like noticing that kid nervously waiting on the curb when you come to a stop. What does it take to make eye contact with him, smile, and let him know he can “Go ahead” and cross safely in front of your car? Not a whole lot. It also doesn’t take much to notice that those people seem to be looking for something on the ground. You could easily get up and ask if they’ve lost something and could they use another pair of eyes in their search. It takes a little time. A little effort. When people do stuff like that it says that ours is a caring community. When they don’t or we don’t, it says something else.
I’ve just started reading Peter Lovenheim’s In The Neighborhood: The Search for Community on an American Street, One Sleepover at a Time. I’m only on page 70, but I already recommend it, in case you want to check it out. You might also want to check out what’s going on in your community on Monday. No sleepovers are required, but stuff is happening, I guarantee it.
Monday, January 21st, is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and since 1994, when Congress had a great idea and actually acted on it, MLK Day has been a National Day of Service. So if you and your family have time off on Monday and you’re interested in moving beyond shaking your head to doing something to make your community a more caring place, go to MLK.gov and Find a Project.
I just did that by typing in my zip code. Within a 25 mile radius I found dozens of community volunteer opportunities for this Monday. A beach clean up project. A neighborhood park needing help with invasive plant removal. This one, from the Human Rights Commission, caught my eye: We will need volunteers to assemble care bags for LGBT homeless youth. Helping kids? Yes! I can do that! Sign me up!
What can you do? Find out what’s needed and where. It’s all good. It all helps. Start here.
NOTE: In January, 2009, David and I were in DC for Obama’s Inauguration. That year, on MLK Day we helped out with an amazing book project to benefit DC public schools. So gratifying to be of service!
December 31, 2012
I originally wrote this article for TakePart.com where I write a weekly education post. Check out the rest of my articles there.
 Homework doesn't make kids smarter, it mostly just keeps them busy and stresses them out The long holiday break is almost over. I hope you and your kids made the most of the delights of the season. And that includes time to relax together as a family, kids and parents, savoring the freedom from school assignments. Yes, I’m an educator, but I am no fan of homework. Especially not obligatory daily assignments that drill students on information and skills they’ve already mastered. Practice makes perfect. But over-practice makes for soul-crushing boredom and it turns kids off of education.
From my way of thinking, homework, if given at all, ought to be assigned sparingly. After all, kids have had a long day in class. They’re not machines. They need a break. And, yes, they need to play. Coming home from school every day to face a mountain of homework is dispiriting.
If a teacher assigns homework, students and parents ought to be confident that there’s a very good reason for the assignment, and a high likelihood that it will yield tangible benefits for the student. What kind of assignments are those? The ones that include:
- a creative challenge
- the opportunity to reinforce a new concept presented during class
- practice using the concept for problem-solving
The result? S-T-R-E-T-C-H-I-N-G the student’s mind and transforming a new idea into an Ah-ha! learning experience. When homework offers these opportunities kids respond eagerly because, as learners, they win. This makes them eager to learn more. (And if that isn’t the ultimate goal of education, I don’t know what is.)
The alphabet coloring homework sheets my son received for 26 weeks during his kindergarten year were busy work. There was no mind stretching during those coloring sessions. Though, as I recall, there was some healthy resistance and a pointed challenge: “Mom, why do I have to do this?”
Why indeed? Teachers aren’t sadists. They must believe homework benefits their students. But is that really the case? According to Alfie Kohn, educator, educational critic, and author of The Homework Myth, “…there is no evidence that… kids who have better grades and test scores have them because they’ve had to do more academic assignments after a full day in school. (Also) there isn’t a shred of evidence to demonstrate that homework has any nonacademic advantages, such as teaching self-discipline and responsibility or teaching kids good work habits.”
And yet the homework continues piling up and the stress it causes in kids, and in families, is heartbreaking. If it feels like your child is spending inordinate amounts of time on homework, here are some steps you might take:
1. Find out what your district’s homework policy is. The student handbook usually includes guidelines that describe how many minutes of homework per evening per grade level. Compare the guidelines to reality.
2. Talk with other parents whose kids have the same teacher as your child. Sometimes the issue is “too much homework.” When that’s the case, parents have the right and responsibility to talk with teachers and let them know the impact all those assignments are having at home.
3. Talk with your child’s teacher. Sometimes, the issue isn’t the amount of homework. Sometimes it’s your child’s ability to complete the assignment in a timely fashion. Ask your child’s teacher, “How much time did you expect that assignment to take?” If what you hear is: “10-15 minutes” and your child spent 45+ minutes, then you and the teacher may have a new topic of conversation. For example: “How can we work together to help this student (my child) be more successful and efficient in his/her work? Is an evaluation for learning differences an option we should consider?”
4. Down with busy work! If teachers are assigning homework that clearly falls into the Busy Work category, speak up to the teacher (calmly and respectfully, of course), to other parents, and at PTA meetings.
A child’s mind is a terrible thing to waste. So is a child’s time to relax, dream, and be a kid without the ever-present dark cloud of “homework” hanging over their heads.
Here’s wishing you and your family all the best in 2013, More laughter. More opportunities to help others. More creative inspiration. And less homework.
November 20, 2012
The following is an excerpt from my new parenting book, Teaching Kids to Be Good People. It’s from the chapter on Emotional Intelligence.
 If you try you might get what you need Right before Thanksgiving a few years back, my dear friend Bettina, who was having some health issues, emailed me: “I know this is incredibly presumptuous and Miss Manners would be scandalized, but I’m wrangling for an invitation.”
I was blown away. Not by her directness (God no!), but by her feeling that she had no right to say, “I’m not feeling well and I don’t want to be alone. Can I come over?” Immediately I called and thanked her for trusting me to understand her vulnerability. I also gave her top marks for the way she had honored herself by asking for what she needed. She was relieved to hear that she’d done the right thing by speaking up.
Most of us are much quicker to stand up for others than for ourselves. On some level we must believe we don’t deserve to get our emotional needs met. But where does that foolishness come from? Here’s my theory . . .
Babies are irresistibly cute so adults fall hard and take good care of them. Once they’ve gotten their sweet baby hooks into our hearts, they are experts at expressing their physical and emotional needs, nonverbally. As our children grow, our conversations with them center mostly on the physical aspects of life: Sweetheart, are you hungry? Do you want something to drink? Is it nap time? Why don’t you put on a sweater? As a result, asking for tangible stuff is very easy for kids: Dad, I need a ride. Mom, I need you to sign this. I need a new phone. I need money.
Because most parents don’t teach kids about expressing emotional needs, teens rarely say: I need a hug. I need to share this exciting news! I need you to listen. I need you to tell me the truth. I need help.
I asked a bunch of sixth–eighth graders to rate themselves on these two statements: “It’s easy for me to ask for help” and “I pretend things are OK when they aren’t.” The results? Twenty-five percent of the kids said it was “never or almost never” easy to ask for help. Another 25 percent reported that “sometimes” they had trouble asking for help. And here’s another sad finding: A whopping 83 percent admitted that “sometimes, always, or almost always” they pretend things are OK when they aren’t.
An unwillingness to ask for help, coupled with a habit of pretending things are fine when they’re not, is unhealthy. When we deny our human need to connect heart-to-heart, we end up short-changing ourselves and the people we’re closest to.
A parent’s role is to raise an emotionally healthy young adult. That includes helping a child recognize what s/he’s feeling and learning to ask for support when needed. Of course self-reliance is essential and being able to calm yourself at times of stress is a life skill, but there’s no denying that we all feel vulnerable at times. It’s also true that we’re all interdependent. When we let people know how we feel and allow them to love us and help us, we honor our humanity. We do the same when we love and help others.
On that Thanksgiving, my family and I were heading out of town, so our home was going to be cold and dark. I couldn’t offer Bettina a warm place at our table. But with my encouragement, she was confident enough to express her needs to another friend who gladly opened his heart and home. What would surely have been a sad and lonely day for her, turned into a wonderful occasion. Less than two years later, Bettina died. Thinking about her, then and now, I’m comforted knowing that she wasn’t alone on one of her last Thanksgiving holidays. She was brave enough to reach out and ask for what she needed. Bettina taught me a powerful lesson, especially important when we’re vulnerable: When it comes to friends and family, hold nothing back. Allow yourself to love and be loved fully, without limits.
Happy Holidays, from our family to yours.
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