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October 30, 2009
 Does this really need a caption? Just pulled a batch of pumpkin muffins out of the oven. Don’t know who put them in there but I’m grateful as all get out! Watching those beauties cooling on the rack, I’m struck by the utter perfection of a muffin. Aromatic. Golden. Round. There’s a cosmic wholeness to each one those puppies.
When Fayette was 3, David and I took her on a weekend outing to Lake Tahoe with another couple and their two little boys. (Important Note: Unless you know people really well and like spending lots of time with them and their kids, or you’re actually looking for a way to end a friendship, do not go on vacation with another family.)
At a pit stop we hit a local bakery. I told my daughter to pick out anything she wanted from the enormous display case. After careful consideration she chose a giant cookie carpeted in rainbow sprinkles. Her eyes shimmered as I handed her the treasure. Holding it tenderly she seemed incredulous that something so beautiful belonged to her.
But before Fayette had a chance to nibble, the other mom (the one we were traveling with not my evil alter-ego) snatched the cookie away saying, “That’s too big for you to eat by yourself. Let’s share it.” Then she snapped it in two and handed half to her son and the other half back to my shell-shocked little girl who instantly erupted in dispair.
The Other Mom shot me one of those looks: “You must be a crappy mom to have such a spoiled brat.”
For the record, Fayette was never a brat. Part of the explanation is her naturally sunny disposition and I can’t take credit for that. The other part I can and will take credit for… the simple fact is that I am a great mom! But I digress.
Back in the bakery I totally got my daughter’s reaction. I almost cried too! In one swell foop, Fay’s perfect, whole treasure was reduced to… a crumbly mess.
We’ve (mostly) forgiven that woman’s misguided attempt to teach kids the joy of sharing. No seriously, she’s forgiven. Really she is!
We suffer a loss when something that ought to be whole is less than whole. As parents we often offer up just part of what we should be giving to our children. I know we’re stretched and stressed. But we still have the ability to deliver the whole. That would be our complete attention when our child wants to show us something (even when you have “a million other things to do”). It’s a completely open mind when your daughter needs to talk about something that’s worrying her (even if it makes no rational sense to you). It’s also a completely open heart when your son confesses to making a mistake or apologizes for messing up.
Please just give them the whole damn cookie. That’s what we signed up for. That’s what they need.
UPDATE: If an unemployed jack-o-lantern is loitering on your doorstep, here’s a great way to put that melon head to use while having fun in the kitchen with the kids:
Pumpkin Raisin Muffins (Thank you, Betty Crocker)
| 1 and 1/2 cups flour |
1/2 cup milk |
| 1/2 cup sugar |
1/2 cup pureed pumpkin
(Gotta cook it first. You knew that, right?) |
| 2 tsps baking powder |
1/4 cup melted butter |
| 1/2 tsp salt |
1 egg |
| 1/2 tsp cinnamon |
1/2 cup of raisins |
| 1/2 tsp nutmeg |
|
Preheat oven to 400. Grease muffin tin. Mix all ingredients just until flour is moistened. Fill muffin cups. Bake 18-20 min. Pop ’em out of the pan. Cool. Devour.
Happy Halloween weekend!
October 23, 2009
 When we're fakin' it for fun, it's a blast UPDATE (October 2013): This essay is included in my book, Teaching Kids to Be Good People. (Electric Eggplant, 2012)
I love Halloween. Always have. Even though our kids don’t live here any more, David and I still trawl the neighborhood, checking out trick-or-treaters and home makeovers. David usually wears his multimedia producer costume— understated, but totally convincing. Typically I pull out all the stops and morph into a mime with whiteface, red-bow lips, massive amounts of black eyeliner, and a pink tutu on my head.
My senior year in high school I was voted Class Actress, so I fully appreciate the fascination with taking on a new persona and milking it for all it’s worth. The irony isn’t lost on me that this Great Pretender has built a career exploring the MO of kids who constantly fake it by pretending to be someone they’re not, just to get other kids to like them.
I recently emailed a bunch of middle and high school students and asked: “How do you know when you’re faking it?” Here are some answers:
- “I have a feeling of guilt and hatred for myself. I feel like I’m a wimp for not speaking the truth.”
- “It’s hard for me to really shine thru and show people who I am because I am always worried about impressing them. I hate it when I act this way.”
- “I feel like a fraud in my own body. I feel betrayed by myself because I’m not showing everyone who I am and it hurts because I don’t know if they will like me for who I am.”
- “I get a nagging feeling tugging at the back of my brain, telling me ‘Don’t do this, you know this isn’t you.’”
- “Whenever I’m putting on ‘my mask,’ I feel sort of terrible and messy inside, like a lot of spaghetti, all tangled up. I feel almost sick to my stomach and a little anxious, but I still do it to impress others. But it never feels quite right. I do it because I feel like I’m not good enough sometimes.”
Their responses saddened me. We want our kids to be happy and self-assured. We want them to be courageous enough to drop the mask and confidently be themselves. But that’s a huge challenge when they’re unwilling to make a move without first checking out what everyone else is doing. If everyone else is being unkind, our children need tremendous strength of character not to join the hating party. Because the price of social poker is so very high, not many of them are willing to gamble.
Of course some kids embrace their authentic self and don’t hesitate to do the right thing. They show their goodness with equal confidence when no one is watching and when everyone is watching. But more kids need that kind of courage. Too many of them are Peer Approval Addicts, compulsively doing whatever it takes to fit in, including stuff they’re not proud of. For these children, everyday is Halloween, only they don’t get candy—just the hollow feeling of wimping out and not being “good enough” without their mask.
How can we help our kids resist conforming to negative peer behavior? By modeling and reinforcing, early and often, what authenticity looks like. By teaching that our choices matter and everyone deserves respect even when we’re feeling angry with them. Let’s talk about people in the news, characters in books, movies, TV shows, and anyone we know who did the right thing despite the risk that friends might not approve. Let our sons and daughters know that they already are “enough” of everything that matters. Remind them that they’ve got the courage to do the right thing, even when they’re not sure they do.
A week after my initial survey question, I followed up with this one: “How would your life be different if you didn’t have to worry what other people think?” Here’s what they said:
- “I’d probably share with people that ‘Hey, being yourself is cool, and if you can’t do this now… why not?’”
- “I would not spend a lot of money or do stupid things just to fit in.”
- “I would try out for football with the boys.”
- “I’d go to school in costume every day, dressed as a medieval knight, an astronaut, a soldier, or something totally new!”
- “I wouldn’t formulate the perfect words to say to those perfect people. I would say exactly how I feel.”
- “I would eat a cheesecake and wear a flannel vest. Woah! That would be a pretty darn cool world!”
- “I would love it! It would be like a freedom that lets you fly and soar.”
I’ve got no guaranteed tip sheet for you at this point, just a simple question: As a parent and a teacher, what could you do, today and every day, to help your kids fly and soar?
June 21, 2009
 Don't worry. I've got you. Any fool with sperm can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad.
Yesterday in Golden Gate Park, the place was swarming with them. From an outsider’s perspective the park dads were just hanging out with their daughters and sons. Nothing special. But what do outsiders know? Bupkis. Except for this blogger, who could plainly see that those dads were transmitting powerful messages to their kids:
You are good.
You are capable.
You are fun to be with.
You are worthy of love.
You have my heart and I’ve got your back… always in all ways.
Obviously having a dad like that benefits a human being’s development. Multiply it by millions of dads and kids and we’re also looking at a tidy payoff for society. Way to go, Dad!
Twenty years down the road, those messages will have infused themselves into the DNA of a new crop of parents. Think I’ll come back and take some more pictures.
Happy Dad’s Day to you and to the kids lucky enough to know you.
February 15, 2009
 Fuzzy about love and relationships February 15th… the morning after the day every single single in this much married land is plagued with the thought “No date! I’m such a loser!” Of course from my perspective as an online advisor, the urge to merge is pretty much a year-round thing. So is the general cluelessness regarding what healthy relationships are all about. And it’s skewing younger all the time. Take these two oh so typical emails the likes of which I receive several times a week:
“Any guy I crush over does not feel the same about me. They always have a reason why I’m not ‘the one.’ I need help! What can I do to get guys to like me???” – 6th grader in love
And this one:
“I’m a 14 old guy and I’m still a single (?!) Many of my friends are in a relationship and I really wanted one of my own. How can I make myself comfortable when being around girls, especially the one I have a crush on?? It seems that I’m always nervous and I tend to force something that I’ll regret (because I’m always excited whenever I talk to the girl I like and I don’t want them to realize that I’m an annoying person and even a stalker)!!”
Tweens and teens are under way too much pressure to couple up. Put that on top of (or underlying) the stress they already feel to make the grade academically, athletically and in the friends department and it’s easy to see why the “solutions” 11-14 year olds come up with for their Boyfriend/Girlfriend challenges aren’t the most carefully thought out ideas.
None of us would dream of handing over the car keys to an unschooled young driver, because they’re unsafe at any speed. A danger to themselves and others. But what schooling are we giving our tweens and teens about the road trip into relationships? I know all about the take-away messages they get from friends and pop culture. But what values and skills are we parents giving them in terms of dating and relating?
We hear the word relationship and we think sex. Middle school kids hear it and think the same. And that’s a big part of the problem! The focus is all wrong. The result? A whole lot of ignorance about what really matters in a relationship – mutual respect, trust, honesty, open communication and shared values. So they swerve, skid, careen out of control, and crack up time and time again. Experience is a great teacher, but are they actually building any positive relationship skills? Based on the questions they email me, I’m guessing, not a whole bunch.
We need to change this. They need us to educate them because what they don’t know can and does hurt them. It hurts others too.
To learn more about the cosequences of fuzzy relationship smarts, check out my review of Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both by Laura Sessions Stepp.
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