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June 14, 2009
 You want to stake us? We don't think so. They were so cute when I brought them home. And so cooperative when I tucked them in. First lining their beds with just the right amount of $14-a-box-organic-plant-food. They never struggled or popped up making demands. They just smiled up at me as if to say, “It’s so reassuring to be in the hands of someone who knows what she’s doing.” And when I went back at the end of each day to water them and admire their progress… they seemed to take it in stride. Not a whit of arrogance.
But then over the past few weeks as the weather’s turned warmer, I’ve notice a certain cheekiness that wasn’t there before. Not that I mentioned it to anyone (because I’m not that kind of gardener) but it had become obvious that my tomato plants were getting too big for their cages. They were falling all over each other, creeping onto the path, tripping visitors and generally showing no consideration for anyone.
Clearly I needed to teach them some manners and that required lots of gardening tape and bamboo stakes. A simple enough job, I thought. Ha! Getting down on my hands and knees at the base of the largest plant, it was obvious that I’d given them free-rein for too long. What a chaotic jumble of stems and leaves! Impossible to sort out and stake them properly.
During the first two minutes I saw the futility of the task and started grumbling, “This is so annoying.” But then I perked up. “Oh good! I can blog about it!” But the truth is, I wasn’t annoyed because, for me, annoyance is about my response to someone else’s behavior. The tomato plants weren’t actually doing anything to me or consciously thwarting my efforts at tidiness. So, in my book, my staking failures weren’t an annoyance. Something else was going on. When I can’t effectively do what I’m attempting… parallel park, getting my computer to move faster, unlocking the font door lock so I can get inside quickly to pee… that’s not annoyance… it’s unmitigated frustration.
If you can’t see the difference, then that’s annoying. Or… maybe it’s frustrating.
 "You Want Me to do What? Journaling for Caregivers" by B. Lynn Goodwin The parent-child relationship is, by definition, totally lopsided, with parents doing most of the giving (and forgiving) and kids doing most of the getting (and forgetting). Which is exactly how it’s supposed to be. We are wired to give to our children our all. And our kids are wired to take whatever they need.
But what happens when our own parents need parenting?
My dad died of a sudden massive heart attack when I was 15. At the time, I was away at summer camp. There wasn’t a damn thing I could have done. But to this day, I still wish I’d been there for him.
Decades later, my mom offered me plenty of opportunity to help while she slowly died of ALS, (Lou Gehrig’s disease)… and I was there for her.
Switching roles and becoming my mom’s caregiver, provided some of the most loving, grace-filled times of my life. Those ten months, between her diagnosis and her death, were also the most emotionally draining, anxiety-ridden days I’ve ever known. And I am grateful for every minute. That experience transformed our relationship and me along with it. Both for good.
If you’re lucky enough to still have parents, may you have many more joyful years together. But medical miracles notwithstanding, at some point, it’s likely they will need you in ways you can not imagine.
In this week’s podcast* I talk with Lynn Goodwin, teacher, editor, former caregiver and author of “You Want Me to do What? Journaling for Caregivers”. We talk from the heart about processing the stress of caring for aging parents and celebrating what’s right.
Have a listen here:
[QUICKTIME http://www.anniefox.com/podcast/FC005.m4a 300 300 false true]
If you have iTunes, you can subscribe to this podcast in the iTunes Store.
Or, you can download an MP3 version here.
Upcoming guest authors include:
Subscribe to Family Confidential and tune in each time!
Special thanks to our friend and musician/composer Curt Siffert who let us use his song, “Ignorant Meadow” for the opening of this podcast.
*What’s a podcast? “A podcast is a series of digital media files, usually either digital audio or video, that is made available for download via web syndication.” — Wikipedia… So, in this case, there’s an audio file for you to listen to (in addition to reading the above).
June 12, 2009
 A grand night for dancing If you’ve got a good reason to be annoyed, but honestly you’re not, does it still count?
That’s what I asked myself this afternoon, Day 5 of The Annoyance Challenge, as I sat on the low wall looking out into the school parking lot knowing I might have an hour to kill before David returned to pick me up. Normally at this time I’d be mentoring an 8th grader, but today, she stood me up after calling on Wednesday to let me know that she wasn’t going to make it to our weekly Thursday meeting and then agreeing to reschedule for today. And yet… after David dropped me off to do a Trader Joe’s run (we were out of chocolate) it became clear that my mentee had gone straight home without telling me or the afterschool program director. In her defense, tonight is the 8th grade graduation dance and I’m pretty sure our meeting wasn’t on her mind as she rushed home to get ready.
Of course I called David to update him on my situation, but he wasn’t answering his iPhone. (Can someone please explain what is the point of having a phone that can shoot video and find you the nearest Korean BBQ if you don’t pick it up when your wife is sitting in a parking lot trying to reach you?) I suppose I should have been annoyed by all this, but I wasn’t. Could it be that after only five days of The Annoyance Challenge I was no longer annoy-able? Nah. More likely I was just in a good mood because it was a lovely Friday afternoon in June, I knew David would be back for me in less than an hour and… I love clouds.
Waaay up there were the high wispy ones (AKA mares’ tails). And there and there and there… so many bunched up little pouffy puffs, no wonder they’re called les moutons, ie., French for “sheep.” How cute is that? And to the north, wow! Such strange and wondrously shaped celestial masses you’d swear they’d been air-brushed.
Four hours later across the Bay, David and I walked back to the car after a fine meal at an Indian restaurant and spotted a shard of rainbow in the eastern sky, illuminated by the setting sun. It was a perfect night for a 13 year old to dance her heart out.
June 11, 2009
 Nooo, the worms can't wait! It’s Thursday and I am officially annoyed with myself for blogging instead of working on Book 4 of Middle School Confidential. True, the first draft isn’t due until late fall, but I had this plan of finishing it in June so I’d have July and August off and then in September I’d revisit the draft with “fresh” eyes and begin revising. Instead what did I do? I created The Annoyance Challenge, requiring me to blog every day until July 7th. Why the hell did I do that? Wasn’t writing 5 books in two and half years enough of a challenge?
Hmmmmmm… But wait! Hold on a sec! I know! I did it to annoy myself! For The Challenge! Ha! Pretty clever. And guess what? It’s working!
Since I’m doing such a good job of pissing myself off at the moment, I might as well dive in and quantify some of my major annoyance triggers. (To contribute your own, just click on the COMMENTS link at the end of the blog.)
For this list I’m sticking with those irritating situations that do not involve someone else. Sure, everyone’s got a little list of annoying people. And while kvetching about them is, undeniably, great fun, it can also lead to more annoyance, not less. So for the purposes of this 30 Day Annoyance Challenge, finger-pointing is kinda beside the point.
Annoying Situations of My Own Doing
1. Procrastination Tactics (AKA detour tasks ) — Any activity that takes you away from (or prevents you from committing to) what you actually should be doing. Referred to as “cabinet making” by John Irving in The World According to Garp, detour tasks are often worthwhile pursuits like shelling peas, Feng Shuing your garage, or going through your Can-O-Worms to separate the worms from their castings (poop). Whether Procrastination Tactics are useful isn’t the issue. The real question is: Do I need to be doing this right now? When I answer, “Not really but…” and keep right on doing it, well, that annoys me, just usually not enough to stop.
2. Expired Coupons for Cool Stuff — Yesterday I was organizing one of our cluttered bathroom cabinets (see #1) and came across a very attractive coupon from Seattle’s Best Coffee. It showed a frothy mug of some amber liquid, topped with an artfully sculpted mound of whipped cream. The photo identified the drink as a Vanilla Red Tea Latte. (Hmm. Red tea? Sounds intrigruing!) Beside the mug was what looked like a scone sporting a smear of raspberry jam. I’m only guessing here… the pastry wasn’t identified. In all honesty, I’m not fond of scones. They always seem too dry. But maybe that’s the point. You buy one and then you’re forced to purchase two more cups of Red Tea to wash it down or quick find someone to save you with the Heimlich maneuver.
The coupon read: REDISCOVER TEA, get a treat. Up perked the ears of my inner child (who truly is only 1/10 of a centimeter below the surface of my sophisticated adult veneer.) Methinks, “Treat?” I wanna treat!” The coupon continues to spell out the deal: Purchase a medium or large beverage and receive a complimentary pastry or a second beverage of equal or lesser value–ON US!
OK, so, let me get this straight: If David and I manage to find a Seattle’s Best Coffee in our vicinity and he shells out for a vanilla Red Tea Latte (or another medium or large beverage of his choosing) plus a scone, (though knowing David he’s more likely to go for a brownie and who could blame him?) then I get a Vanilla Red Tea Latte (with sculpted whipped cream) for free. Sounds like a deal!
So I’m all psyched and ready to suggest an outing to David when I flip over the coupon and discover that it expired 3/3/09. Dang! That’s annoying. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought that coupon up to the bathroom in the first place!
Annoying Situations of My Own Doing (items 3-10)
- Bumping my shin (again) on the open dishwasher door
- Knocking my hip (again) on the kitchen counter
- Misplacing my computer glasses (again)
- Misplacing my sunglasses (again)
- Getting poison oak (again)
- Being tricked (again) into bending down and reaching for the penny that some sadistic joker glued to the sidewalk on the next block
- Getting bits of turkey sausage stuck in between my teeth with no dental floss around. Then when I use my fingernail to try to pry out the meat, my nail breaks off in between my teeth. (that counts for two)
Because all of the above are situations of my own doing, I can do something about them… like paying more attention to the set-ups thus avoiding the traps. Just thinking about how I’ve got the power to become less annoyed in 10 areas of my day-to-day life makes me feel… better.
OK, my friends. Enough procrastination for now, I’m going to work on Book 4.
Honest.
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