Parenting | Annie Fox's Blog - Part 105 Annie Fox's Blog

For Parents: Fear of Embarrassment

February 4, 2009

OMG! I am sooo embarrassed!

“What do you mean you’re not going to wear that shirt any more? You picked it out! In the store you said it was cool.”

We don’t get it. And they know we don’t get it. But they get it… 180 days a year. That’s why they’re hyper-aware of the fragile pecking order in school. They know that just about anything they do or say could instantly condemn them to the Losers Slag Heap for eternity.

I’m currently working on Book 4 of Middle School Confidential. And I’ve been trying to figure out how to help kids deal with their fear of embarrassment – which for a typical 7th grader is probably life’s most dreaded experience.

You know how when you’re into something new the universe keeps sticking you with opportunities to think about it? Say you start flirting with the idea of going to Nepal, then within a week, you meet no fewer than 17 people who all happen to have just returned from Kathmandu? Coincidence? I think not!

So yesterday the universe tossed an answer into my driveway in the form of a San Francisco Chronicle article on dieting. The story featured cognitive therapist Dr. Judith Beck, whose new book helps chronic dieters quit fearing hunger so they can relax and stop obsessing about their weight.

What’s that got to do with middle schoolers and embarrassment? The objective of cognitive behavior therapy is (according to Wikipedia, source of all knowledge): “… to identify and monitor thoughts, assumptions, beliefs and behaviors that are related and accompanied to debilitating negative emotions — to identify those which are dysfunctional, inaccurate or simply unhelpful, and to replace or transcend them with more realistic and useful ones.”

So I’m thinking, if I could:

a) help middle schoolers deconstruct their assumptions about embarrassment

b) help them see that their current strategies for dealing with embarrassing moments just might be making things worse

c) help them rein in the out-of-control fear of embarrassing themselves

d) help them create some more helpful ways of coping with the inevitable (we all have those moments)

…then they just might give themselves permission to see embarrassment for what it is… a normal human emotion that passes quickly if you let it go. And they might actually lighten up on themselves (and their embarrassment-inducing parents). Result? 6th-8th graders just might be willing to put themselves out there more and have fun.

So that’s what I’m working on at the moment.

If you have any comments about what has and hasn’t worked when helping your kids deal with the aftermath of an embarrassing middle school or high school moment, I’d love to hear from you!

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: Cognitive therapy, Embarrassing Middle School Moments, Embarrassment, Middle School — Annie @ 10:57 am

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For Parents: How not to welcome them home

January 2, 2009

Ice Cream Break in Costa Rica

Play your cards right and your empty nest isn’t empty 100% of the time. Since we officially became empty nesters in May 2007, ours has shifted from accommodating just me, David and Vermont, to periods where 5 people lived here, then 4, then 2, then 3, then 5 and now a new configuration of 3. The key to success when coming together again, at home or on vacation, is replacing the old parent-child relationship with one that matches the new reality of who “the kids” have become.

Having our daughter and son, their significant others and/or their friends stay with us from time to time is a wish fulfilled. Because going home for the holidays was never much of a vacation for me… at least not after the first day. My mom and I were hopelessly stuck in a mutually destructive gear. It wasn’t until the last year of her life, when she was terminally ill, that we finally figured out how to have a wonderful relationship… as two adults.

I didn’t want to wait until I was dying to make peace with my adult children. So I’ve worked hard to maintain a healthy relationship with them. The efforts have paid off, but it takes an ongoing commitment.

Since we’ve got no mind readers here and we don’t worship at the altar of “Grin and bear it” when our kids come back to live temporarily, as our daughter recently did after completing a year of travel, we call a family meeting to discuss everyone’s expectations and needs during the new arrangement. It usually boils down to two basics:

Parents: We want to feel like we’re all adults on the same team, sharing the shopping, cooking, and cleaning.

Young adults: We want to be treated like adults, not kids who need your input on how to live our lives.

Sounds like we’ve got a deal. That’s why one of my New Year’s resolutions is “Give no unsolicited advice.” Why bother? Adult children (teens too) don’t want it. They won’t accept it. And they resent you for offering it. Want less resentment? Quit giving them advice. Good advice! But damnit I give advice for a living! Keeping my mouth shut when I’ve got a helpful suggestion will be tough. It will also be poetic justice.

Receiving unsolicited advice from my mother drove me nuts. I protested that she was treating me like a child. I also demonstrated my immaturity by dismissing all of her advice… especially the really good suggestions. I now understand that her way of loving me was to help me avoid mistakes. Even though Mom and I danced around in circles, here are some essential life lessons learned in her class: a) No one takes away your power unless you hand it over. b) “Why don’t you put on a sweater?” means “I love you.” and c) When hanging out with your adult children, talk less and listen more.

Here’s a New Year’s challenge for you, if you’re game… take a look at your relationship with each of your children. Now fast forward to a time when they return, as young adults to visit you. What would you like to see your relationship develop into? What could you start doing today (or stop doing) that might help you reach the place you want to be with them when they grow up?

If you have any thoughts to share please post your comments!

In the meantime, Happy New Year from our family to yours… And good luck playing your cards right in 2009.

Filed under: Holidays,Parenting,Tips — Tags: empty nest, family meetings, new year's resolutions, older teens, young adults — Annie @ 8:54 pm

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For Parents: One foot in front of the other

December 23, 2008

Candle light I don’t believe in Santa, but I do think it’s worthwhile to perform good deeds whenever you can… especially this time of year. And just in case someone is watching to see if I’ve been bad or good, I try, at the very least, to avoid missteps.

Some missteps can be corrected before it’s too late. Like when you choose a pot for making applesauce and after cutting up and tossing in four apples any fool can see that the other 7 apples and 3 pears on the counter will never fit. So you simply dump everything into a larger pot and carry on. Misstep unstepped. That assumes, of course, that a certain someone who already told you the first pot was too small isn’t standing right there watching. If he is and you two have been keeping score about such things, then timely self-correction becomes more challenging. But it’s still a viable option.

Some missteps, on the other hand, can’t be undone. Like making that off-hand comment (just as a joke) when you knew that the subject of the sentence was probably not going to fully appreciate the humor in it. Then you’re stuck having to apologize plus deal with your own disappointment in yourself. You’re also left wondering why the hell you haven’t yet learned that everything that pops into your head a) isn’t as funny as you think it is and/or b) isn’t worth saying.

T’is the season of spreading light in the darkness… and goodwill. So I light candles and look for opportunities to take steps in the right direction. And I got one this afternoon! As David and I walked to the post office we passed a neighbor standing in front of her house. She was wearing a thin dress, bedroom slippers and an agitated expression. She said something to us, but since the guy across the street was running his leaf blower, I couldn’t make out what it was.

Just so you know, this neighbor is… how can I put this… a bit erratic. Over the years we’ve heard her screaming at passing cars (“SLOW DOWN!!”) and at us (“DID YOU SEE THAT? JUST LETS THE DOG RUN AROUND! NO LEASH! NO SENSE!”) Because you never know what you’ll get from her, I was a little apprehensive. At that moment I could easily have begged off by pantomiming something like: “Sorry, I can’t hear you because the leaf blower is too loud. So I’ll just shrug and smile and wave and keep on walking by.”

But that felt like a misstep. And I knew that the campus rep from Karma College was taking notes… so I crossed the street and went up to her.

LADY: Did you see the mailman up the street? Has he come down the hill yet?

ANNIE: I didn’t see him, but we already got our mail.

LADY (frowning): So did I. But I wonder if he’s passed by yet.

ANNIE: Yeah. I think he’s gone for the day.

She looked upset as she stood there. It was cold and her feet were kinda bluish in those flimsy slippers.

ANNIE: Was there something you wanted to mail? Because we’re going to the post office.

Magic words! She lit up and ran into the house. I was just hoping she wouldn’t come out lugging a fifty pound box and hand me some stamps.

But no. She emerged a moment later waving a white envelope… Christmas card size.

LADY: It’s for a man in a nursing home. You’ll take it to the post office for me?

Sure thing.

Misstep unstepped. Right foot forward.

Filed under: Holidays,Parenting — Tags: neighbors — Annie @ 10:20 pm

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For Parents: When life gives you lemons

December 15, 2008

Lemon bars for everyone!

Last spring I extolled the virtues of my lemon tree… particularly its knack for living out all the chapters of its life simultaneously. Can you imagine having to deal with the mishigas of your own childhood, adolescence, sexual prime, pregnancy, middle age, decline and death all at once?! And yet, when it’s April in Lemon Land, it’s all happening and it’s all good.

But now it’s December. Different story. Here in planting Zone 8b, the entire tree is synched up to its “Pick me NOW!!” mode.

I love living off the land. Like most backyard gardeners, there are times we eat our homegrown tomatoes for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We praise Demeter and offer tomato-scented incense in her name. And at the end of the summer we’re grateful to swim in peaches and apples too. But keeping pace with a bumper crop of lemons is just not that easy.

It’s true that lemons have tons of non-eating uses like: bringing out your hair’s blond highlights, polishing chrome, keeping guacomole green, and providing your garbage disposal with a refreshing chaser after you’ve stuffed it with moldy onions. But let’s face it, lemons are food. And when it comes to stuff that I’ve grown, I really hate wasting it.

So, yesterday, when we got word that David’s band concert was rained out, Ezra and Sarah, Mr. Trombone and I decided to have some fun while seriously reducing our lemon footprint. Because we’re foodies, we agreed that it was perfect baking weather. An online visit to Food Network yielded this recipe for lemon bars. Not only has it received an average rating of 5 out of 5 stars from 110 people, it calls for a whole cup of lemon juice! In case you’re wondering, we had to sacrifice 13 large lemons to the cause. The worms in my bin got the peels and if they turn into blonds, I’ll know why.

So there we were, cozy in the kitchen, happily grating, measuring, pouring, scraping and rolling. We also cooperated, speculated, communicated, brain-stormed, problem-solved, and laughed. And yes, later on we ate.

This recipe gets a solid 5 stars for taste. 5 stars for an excellent use of lots of otherwise purposeless lemons. And (most important) 5 stars for providing us with a blueprint for a fun time together.

So what did we learn? Couple of things, actually. When you’re faced with a thick-skinned problem, instead of complaining, minimizing, wishing it would just go away or pretending that it is so not a problem for you, just get in that sucker’s face. Peel it down to its essence. Squeeze the life out of it. Then add a bunch of sugar and enjoy.

Clearly, the Lemon Law applies to anything you may view as a problem, present time or upcoming. Take the upcoming Winter Break. This one is longer than most as school doesn’t resume until January 5th. Maybe you’re starting to think of those days upon days of family time as a problem… or is it? Here’s a free suggestion, meaning that you’re free to ignore it: Have a family meeting in advance of the holidays. Turn off cell phones and open the floor to suggestions of how the family might spend some of that free time. Stay at the table until you’ve all agreed on at least two fun things to do together during the holidays – maybe one traditional activity that everyone enjoys plus one off-the-wall new idea.

Having more unstructured stress-free time together is good for families. It’s also what we wish we had more of during the school year, right? Well, now’s your chance to orchestrate some fun.

Good luck and let me know how it went.

Enjoy!

Filed under: Holidays,Parenting,Tips — Tags: Baking, Food, Gardening, Recipes — Annie @ 5:17 pm

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