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November 3, 2013
November is National Novel Writing Month: Write a 50,000 word novel by midnight the 30th. It’s not a contest, just an awesome opportunity to do more than talk about that book you want to write.
Inspired and egged on by my daughter and son (both professional writers) I began the challenge last Friday. Now all I have to do is write 1667 words per day every day for thirty days. And voila a first draft of a novel is born. No guarantee that every word will be brilliant or even spelled correctly, but I’m pushing ahead because a) I’m an overachiever, b) I’ve got a story squirreling around in my head and invading my dreams and c) it’s the only way I’ll ever get a good night’s sleep again.
So I’m plugging away at this novel and won’t post new blogs this month. But I will be treating all you lovely people to some seasonal golden oldies. Starting with:
Need Some Help, Mom?
The following essay is an excerpt from my book, Teaching Kids to Be Good People
 What do you MEAN we have to help?! Not too long ago I read a letter to Dear Abby from a distraught martyr . . . oops! I mean a mother who signed off as “Alone in the Kitchen.” She plaintively described how her adult daughters arrive for the holidays each year expecting the guest treatment. For some mysterious reason, these two able-bodied young women never think to offer dear old Mumsie any help with the annual banquet she produces for 20+ guests. Their work avoidance goes on for a day or two until Mom, frazzled and frantic, slumps to the linoleum and whimpers like a pathetic dog. At which point the princesses roll their eyes and deign to lift a sponge for a fleeting moment, before disappearing again.
As I read the column, my blood pressure spiked. But my target wasn’t the daughters as much Mom. I mean, really, where did she think her lovelies learned to act like guests at home? How in the world had they reached adulthood totally lacking the common courtesy to pitch in?
Abby called out Mom for overindulging, but I gave her answer a C+ because she neglected to offer the woman any suggestions for fixing the problem. If it had been my column, here’s what I would have said:
Dear Alone in the Kitchen,
Wondering where Drizella and Anastasia picked up their royal sense of entitlement? Look in the mirror because it’s self-reflection time. If you really want to change the dynamic in your family this holiday season and forevermore, start with an apology. I’m serious! You have failed to teach your children the first thing about being helpful. Instead, you’ve taught them that their job is to sit back and let you cater to their needs. You’ve also held them back from developing a cooperative spirit by rewarding them for being self-centered. Admit the ugly truth. Forgive yourself. Apologize. And move forward, quickly, because you’ve got a turkey to stuff!
In friendship,
Annie
There are always things that need to be done to make a home livable. (Of course, it’s our living in it that makes it messy, but we can’t get around that, can we?) Whether you’re prepping for a special family event or needing to dive into seasonal household chores, make a master task list. Gather the troops, post the document, and announce to your family, “Here’s what needs to get done. Which tasks are you taking responsibility for?” (Speak as assertively as possible. No shouting, asking, pleading, guilt-tripping, etc.) If you have no confidence in someone’s promise to help (due to past flakiness) then get it in writing. After each self-selected assignment, smile, and in your best coach voice say, “Thanks. We’re all counting on you.”
My personal, unscientific research clearly indicates that when we want something done, the chance of compliance drops to less than 20 percent when our request comes in the form of a spineless question like “Can someone please help me?” (“No thanks.”) “Can I ask you a favor?” (“Sure, but I’m not doing it.”) “Do you have a minute?” (“Not now.”) See what I mean? Instead, try this: “Hey guys, I need some help in here.” See? It’s a statement, not a question. Practice it on your own so there is no trace of pleading in your voice.
Breaking patterns isn’t easy, but it’s easier than breaking your back doing all the work with little or no cooperation from anyone. It’s also better for your soon-to-be young adults to learn to notice the needs of others—essential in teaching them to be good people.
As for any male or female martyrs within the sound of my voice, that would be anyone who believes if s/he doesn’t do it all single-handedly, s/he won’t be a “good” parent, nor be loved and appreciated: You are already loved, appreciated, and admired. And when it comes to holiday celebrations, if you do much more than your fair share, you may end up with a sore back and feelings of resentment, and where’s the holiday spirit in that?
So teach your children to help. Otherwise, how can they possibly learn to make a killer Thanksgiving dinner on their own some day? And how will they teach your future grandkids to be helpful people at home and out in the world?
October 30, 2013
 Open. You've got the keys I know it’s not the official last day of this month-long Kindness and Respect Challenge. (We all remember Thirty days hath September…) But tomorrow’s Halloween. (Yay, Kit-Kat bars!) So this is my wrap-up post.
When I take on a challenge my goal is to learn and to teach. Like my previous Annoyance Challenge. Did I really want to learn to be more annoying? Teach others to shorten their tempers? No and no. I (stupidly) thought it might be good to learn more about what pushes my buttons so I could, you know, be less reactive and help others do the same. Throwing myself into an annoyance challenge was like draping myself in cosmic fly paper. I instantly attracted the most irritating people and situations. As unpleasant as it was, I learned a bit about my prickly side. Also discovered that feeling irritated may not be a choice, but acting on it definitely is. I also learned to opt out more often. A good thing for me and my family.This time, I wanted to explore a positive human response.
What I’ve learned about kindness and respect
1. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.
2. There are no guarantees we ever get what we deserve.
3. We often feel sad and unappreciated when others treat us like crap so we throw a Self-Pity Party.
4. We often feel frustrated and hostile when others treat us like crap so we try to make them pay.
5. How others treat us is beyond our control. (see 2)
6. We have some control over our own behavior.
7. We can choose to be compassionate and respectful to ourselves and others.
8. We can also choose to be ornery and hard to live with.
9. We each have tremendous potential to be good and power to do good.
10. Unfortunately we don’t always remember what we’ve got going for us because destructive emotions can work against us. (See 3 and 4)
11. Stress helps us survive in emergencies. But most of what we stress about is just day-to-day life. Mis-identifying the mundane as EMERGENCY!! messes with our natural inclination to be kind and respectful to one another. And yet (irony of ironies) that inclination is frequently the most effect approach.
12. When we are kind and respectful we can often soften hearts and open minds.
13. When we are kind and respectful and people remain hard-hearted and close-minded, we still did the right thing. For that, we earn Good Karma points.
14. Whenever you see a child, smile kindly and say “Hi.” Kids need to see kind people in the world.
15. Whenever you are with children, treat them and everyone else with respect. That’s how you teach kids what it feels like to be respected and what it looks like to be respectful.
Okay. That’s all I’ve got for now.
Thanks for coming along with me on this leg of the journey. Hope you learned something useful.
In friendship,
Annie
October 29, 2013
 How mean do you really want to be? Just got this email from a teen who’s feeling really humiliated because of a mean trick played by her so-called friend partnering with another girl. I’ll let her describe it herself:
Hey Terra,
During math today I got up to throw something in the trash and my BFF (Friend A) whispered to me, “Are you on your periods because there’s a red spot on your jeans!” Shocked I ran to the bathroom and saw the “red spot” was the lipstick of my so-called Friend B. Earlier I saw her handing the lipstick to another girl who was standing near my chair. I didn’t expect she’d put red lipstick in my chair so I’d sit in it.
What if someone else besides my BFF saw the red spot?! I already feel humiliated. My first thought was “What did I ever did to her?!” I would NEVER do that to her because we’re all girls and I wouldn’t want to make anybody feel bad. I am really scared Terra. Especially scared that my crush saw it and won’t like me. Please send me your brilliant advice now, Terra!!!
–Humiliated
Hi there,
I know it’s almost Halloween and some people use it as an excuse to do some really “out there” stuff, but what happened to you is a really mean trick. I’m glad to hear that you’d “never” do something as mean as that to anyone. You should be proud of yourself because you’re a kind, compassionate and trustworthy girl. And I’ll bet you’re a great friend.
You’ve asked a good question: “What did I ever do to her…. (to make her think she needs to get back at me??)” I don’t know the answer. Only the girl who did it knows. You could talk to her, but I’m guessing she’d deny it. (“I didn’t do anything and I don’t know what you are talking about!”) You know how some kids can be, especially when they are confronted with the truth of their bad behavior.
Look, even if the girl admits she did it, so what? That’s not going to change anything. What happened happened. It’s history… not ancient history, but still… it’s in the past. Either someone saw the red spot or they didn’t. Either someone will tease you about it or they won’t. If anyone asks you “Did you get your period through your jeans?” You can simply say, “No. That was someone’s weird idea of a mean joke. They put lipstick on my jeans so it would look like blood. It wasn’t blood. It was red lipstick.” End of conversation. Don’t name names. Just move on.
That’s my best and most brilliant advice.
As for your “so-called friend” who was part of this cruel joke, you might talk to her about it. Let her know what you saw (the lipstick) and what you think of her kind of friendship… OR you could keep a safe distance from her because she doesn’t seem to be trustworthy. WARNING: Do NOT talk ABOUT her to anyone. That will just add more social garbage to your school.
Good luck and I hope this helps you calm down and move on. Remember, you didn’t do anything to be ashamed of. Whoever did this to you is the person who ought to be “humiliated” not you!
In friendship,
Terra
October 28, 2013
 Ah yes, the family is together again Depending on your relationships with kin folk, the upcoming holidays may bring on joyful anticipation or a queasy gut. If you’re planning on attending a family get-together be on your best behavior. Why? Because nothing kills the holiday spirit faster than letting the button pushers win. You know who I’m talking about:
- Your aunt who rehashes everything that messed up her annual trip to Vegas because of course you want to hear how stale the airplane pretzels were.
- Your brother–in–law who asks how you’re doing, then four seconds into your answer interrupts with “Oh, did I tell you….?”
- Your niece who comments on the health hazards of each lovingly made side dish on the buffet table.
Drives you bonkers every time, right? Instead of allowing these encounters to vaporize your Happy Ho-Ho, here are three good reasons to stay calm:
1. When you exchange irritation for compassion you take better care of yourself emotionally and physically.
2. When you refuse to let your buttons get pushed you do your part to make the get-together happier for yourself and everyone else.
3. All parents are teachers. If you want to teach your kids to be good people who know how to use their “company manners” you’ve gotta show them what it looks like.
Tips for Becoming More Compassionate (during the holidays and year-round)
When that relative does or says something which grates your nerves, ASK yourself:
- What’s going on with me right now? Irritation? Embarrassment? Frustration? Boredom? Resentment? Jealousy? Job #1= Identifying what you’re feeling so you can start understanding your reactions and take them off auto-pilot.
- Why does this bother me so much? We are hardest on people whose behavior mimics parts of ourselves that we dislike. Which part? Think about it. And while you’re pondering, you might find yourself softening toward the equally flawed mortal in front of you.
- What’s my usual way of responding? How does your knee-jerk response increase your stress levels and the stress of the people closest to you? Thinking clearly about the downside of our usual reactions can encourage us to explore more positive options.
- What does that person need? We’re usually so busy resenting button pushers we rarely think about helping them. But if you consider why Auntie must rehash every complaint and disappointment, negative family dynamics can shift. Maybe she just needs someone to acknowledge her troubles. Sounds like what most of us need at times. Maybe the problem isn’t what Auntie really needs, but her inability to ask for it directly. If you can figure out what she (or anyone) really wants and you can provide some or all of it, you might discover a) Auntie isn’t as “irritating” as she used to be, b) you feel more compassion and love towards her, and c) you’ve freed yourself from a cycle that only made things worse. Win-win-win.
Revving up to family get-togethers, talk honestly with your teens about the challenges we all have in expressing our needs. Share with them what you’ve learned about being part of a family. Let them know while families are forever, family dynamics can change. With compassion and a willingness to be honest about what you feel and what you need, you can teach your children that healthy people continue growing in positive directions.
Happy Holidays, from our family to yours
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