Parenting | Annie Fox's Blog - Part 68 Annie Fox's Blog

Don’t I have the right to know everything my kid is doing?

February 5, 2012

I often hear from teens bitterly complaining about parents who snoop through their email, playlists and text message exchanges with friends. In case you just thought: “Aren’t I paying for this technology? Don’t I have the right to know everything my kid’s doing with it.” Yes you are. And no you don’t.

If you feel like you’re ‘losing’ your t(w)een because s/he’s always online, do something smart about it. Set reasonable limits and offer positive face-to-face family time to balance teen time in Digital World. But don’t lose sight of the plain fact that teens need the connection with their friends, so don’t feel threatened by it. Get to know their friends. Be interested in what’s going on without an obsessive need to know. If you don’t have probable cause for snooping into your teen’s life, don’t. You’re jeopardizing the foundation of every healthy parent-child relationship, i.e., mutual respect.

When our kids are little we call all the shots. But when they reach the tween years, they’re programmed to test our authority to tell them what to do. You may need to rethink the boundaries you’ve had in place for their first decade.

In case you’re a bit fuzzy about personal boundaries, this may help:

Your 5 year old says ‘My tooth is loose.” You stick your hand in his mouth and give that baby incisor a jiggle. No problem. But if you try to stick your hand in your 13 year old’s mouth… Boundary alert!
Your 11 year gets her first period. You congratulate her and give her everything she needs to take care of herself. Good parenting! But if you insist your daughter tell you the start-date of her period each month so you can write it down in a book… Boundary alert!
Your 14 yr old enters with a dark cloud overhead. He mumbles something about how his stupid coach won’t start him in tomorrow’s game. You immediately call the coach and give him an earful. Boundary alert!

Now you the get idea, right?

We teach respect by setting boundaries and by being respectful. When our kids are disrespectful, we respectfully remind them they have crossed the line. When we disrespect them, we teach nothing positive about the value of respect. Snooping into your teen’s personal stuff without probable cause is a gross sign of disrespect. In that moment you’re violating your kid’s trust. When your son/daughter finds out (and they will), they will blast you with their outrage.

For the record, I’m fine with kids being outraged. Gets their blood pumping and their attention focused on an actual human being instead of a digital facsimile. Good parenting isn’t supposed to win you popularity points. In fact, good parenting sometimes results in kids temporarily resenting the hell out of us! So bring on the anger. You can deal. But if the kid’s outrage is justifiable, then you may have painted yourself into a corner and damaged your child’s trust in you.

We all want our kids to grow up to be responsible and trustworthy. Part of our job is living and teaching by example. How does snooping teach kids to be trustworthy? It doesn’t! All it really does is make teens more secretive. And in case you forgot how crafty you were at that age, let me remind you that any teen can and will beat any parent in the game of “Whose life is it anyway?”

Teens have the right to some privacy. And with it comes the responsibility to act in ways that reflects your parental teaching. A person of good character makes ethical choices even when no one is watching. That’s what you ultimately want from your children.

How do they get from here to there?

You think I’ve got all the answers? Ha! There’s no one right way to parent, but there are plenty of WRONG ways. Assuming it’s your right to know the content of your kid’s every text msg is one wrong way. Not because kids won’t like it but because a healthy parent-teen relationship respects boundaries.

Filed under: Parenting,Technology — Tags: cybersafety, Digital World, parenting teens, social media — Annie @ 12:22 pm

Comments (15)

Guest blogger: Having “The Talk” with your kids

February 2, 2012

by Dr. Elizabeth Miller, MD, PhD

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month and we’re pleased to support the outstanding efforts of Project Youth Safety. According to PYS’s website, Teen dating violence is defined as a pattern of physically, sexually, verbally, or emotionally abusive actions committed by a partner to establish control over the other. This article by Dr. Elizabeth Miller, Chief of Adolescent Medicine at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh, the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, is part of our ongoing commitment to providing resources to parents so they can effectively teach their kids to be responsible, caring young adults.

Have you had “the talk” with your children? If this question instantly makes you think of the classic birds-and-bees chat, I was actually talking about the healthy relationship chat.

While many parents want their children to be safe, many don’t even think about addressing what it means to be in a healthy or safe relationship with their kids. Instead, the conversation usually slants toward sex.

In fact, one survey found that although three in four parents said they had a conversation with their teenager about what it means to be in a healthy relationship, 74 percent of sons and 66 percent of daughters said they have NOT had such a conversation with their parents

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month and, as a physician who specializes in care for adolescents, a researcher on teen dating abuse, and a parent of a teen, I want to encourage parents to better educate their daughters and sons about what it means to be in a healthy relationship and how to recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship and get help.

Teen dating violence, also called adolescent relationship abuse, is defined as a pattern of physically, sexually, verbally, or emotionally abusive actions committed by a partner to establish control over the other. The abusive behavior may occur in a dating or similarly defined relationship where one or both persons are a minor. According to Liz Claiborne Inc. and Futures Without Violence, nearly one in three teens who have been in relationships has experienced dating violence or abuse.

The warning signs parents should keep an eye out for include:

No longer hanging out with his/her circle of friends
Sudden changes in clothing or appearance
Distracted or constantly checking cell phone
Withdrawn, quieter than usual
Making excuses for their boyfriend or girlfriend
Unexplained scratches or bruises
Showering immediately after getting home

A key characteristic of unhealthy and abusive relationships is the control that the abusive partner seeks to maintain in the relationship. This ranges from telling someone what to wear and where they can go to sexual coercion and forcing someone to get pregnant. Unfortunately, adolescents may confuse this possessive behavior as a sign of love, thinking that the abuser is only acting this way because he or she is committed to the relationship.

So what can a parent do to get in front of the issue and proactively address it with their children before it becomes a serious problem?

Regardless of whether your child is in a relationship, sit down with them and talk about what constitutes a healthy, respectful relationship early on. This can include highlighting examples from your personal relationships or calling out specifics, such as:

Being considerate of the other person’s feelings and opinions
Trusting each other
Taking an interest in your hobbies and providing support and encouragement to pursue these personal interests
Being respectful of sexual limits and not pressuring you to go further
Liking you for who you are and not asking you to change

If you have teenage boys, it’s especially important to reinforce the importance of respecting females and not forcing their dates to go further sexually than what they are comfortable with. Along the same lines, it’s important to talk about positive, non-violent ways to deal with anger and make sure you are setting good examples at home that your son can follow.

Above all else, make sure your child knows that you are there to help, not to judge. And if your teenager does not want to talk with you, help them find another trusted person to talk with such as their pediatrician, school counselor or clinic provider. There are many resources available and your children should never feel alone or feel they are to blame if they are in an abusive relationship.

Here are additional resources to help you engage with your children about this topic:

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: Dr. Elizabeth Miller, Project Youth Safety, Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month — Annie @ 3:26 pm

Comments (2)

Single mom + Son + Conversation about Girls=Awkward

January 27, 2012

Got this email today from a single mom who just discovered her teen son has been pressuring girls to “put out.” She felt unsure how to talk to him about it. Obviously she’s not the only single mom out there who can’t rely on a positive male role model to set a boy straight on what is and what is not OK when it comes to relationships. With her permission, I’m sharing her email and my response. Hopefully it will empower other moms to get proactive in educating their sons about empathy and respect.

Dear Annie,

I spied on my 13 year old son’s computer and found out he pressures girls for “second base.” If they don”t comply he dumps them. His last girlfriend told people he dumped her because she would not put out. I don’t know how to address this with him. I am a single mom and am very upset that I have raised a boy that would do this to girls! The worst thing is that some girls agree. How should I talk to him about this?

Confused Single Mom

Dear Single Mom,

It’s a good thing you found out. Now that you know what’s been going on you can give your son a needed course correction.

Yes, it would be easier if Dad were in the picture, but since that doesn’t seem to be the case, the honors fall to you. You might say something like this, “You are old enough to have girlfriends, so I want to talk to you about boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Don’t worry. This isn’t about about sex, so you can relax. This is about relationships, which, by the way, are a 2-WAY Street. If you want a good girlfriend, you have to be a good boyfriend. Tell me what you think it means to be a good boyfriend.”

Then close your mouth and LISTEN to what he has to say. I’m guessing he’s never thought about it. He may just shrug and say “I dunno.”

That’s when you say, “OK. I understand you may not know. After all, they don’t teach classes in this, though they should. But a guy needs to learn how to be a good boyfriend, so I’m going to tell you what I know from the girl’s point of view. No girl likes to be pressured into doing things she’s not ready for. Guys who pressure girls to “do stuff” are being disrespectful. Good guys don’t do that. And good guys make good boyfriends. The kind of girls who make good girlfriends (the only kind worth falling for), are girls with self-respect. They will stand up for themselves. They will say “No, I’m not going to do that. And I don’t like it when you pressure me. So just stop.”

ASK: What do you think about a girl’s right to say ‘Stop pressuring me.”?

LISTEN for his answer.

Ultimately it’s your responsibility to teach your son how to treat people with respect. That includes friends, teachers, kids he may not particularly like, and girlfriends. He needs you to step up and teach him about respect and empathy (taking the other person’s point of view.)

Tell him you have some information that he’s been pressuring girls to do things they don’t want to do. Tell him, this is WRONG because it is DISRESPECTFUL. Say: “Maybe you didn’t know this before. But now that we’ve had this conversation, you know it’s wrong. From now on, I expect you to always treat the people you are with with respect. If I find out that isn’t the case, there will be a consequence. Do we understand each other?”

How’s that?

In friendship,
Annie

Hi Annie,
That is such a great reply. I really appreciate your response. There is so much teen dating advice on web for girls. It would be helpful if moms of boys took some proactive steps towards this problem too. I couldn’t find much. I am going to speak with him this weekend. Will let you know how it goes. God bless you.

(More confident) Single Mom

Happy to help. ;O)

________________
An easy way to ease into one of these discussions is through my Teen Relationships Bill of Rights. Check it out and share it with your son and daughter.

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: relationship bill of RIghts, Single Moms, single parents, Teen Relationships, teenage sons — Annie @ 5:22 pm

Comments (5)

Guest Blogger: Rites of Passage – Becoming An Adult

January 25, 2012

By DeAnna L’am

DeAnna L’am, (B.A.) speaker, coach, and trainer, is author of Becoming Peers – Mentoring Girls Into Womanhood and A Diva’s Guide to Getting Your Period. She is founder of Red Moon School of Empowerment for Women & Girls™. Her pioneering work has been transforming women’s & girls’ lives around the world for over 20 years.

DeAnna helps women & girls love themselves unconditionally! She specializes in helping women reclaim their cycle as source of intuition and spiritual renewal, helps Moms welcome their girls into womanhood with ease & confidence, and trains women to hold RED TENTS in their communities. Learn more about her work and her special Rites of Passage Tele-Summit: Skillfully Guiding Girls to Womanhood and Boys to Manhood beginning February 6th

We all deserve recognition of our Rites of Passage

How does one become an adult? Well, mostly by imitation…

I grew up in a household of two (heavy) cigarette-smoking, coffee-drinking parents. For me, this was the epitome of adulthood… And when I started smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee, at the age of seventeen, I felt that I have arrived!

The “arrival” was not celebrated in any way. However my Dad, who used to buy cigarettes in cartons (for him and my Mom) added a few packs to the family monthly cigarette shopping, on my behalf. I was given the stamp of approval: I belonged.

And isn’t this what Rites of Passage are all about? Arriving, belonging, getting in par with the adult world around us, which was mostly beyond our reach as children, and is now accepting us as rightful members.

Indigenous cultures similarly rewarded their youth with belonging and acceptance, only that their requirements were far more meaningful. Youth were given a multitude of things that our young lack today:

– Spiritual guidance from an early age, toward discovering the gift one was born to bring to their community

– Active mentors who fostered different skills in a youth, each bestowing their own gifts on their young protegee

– A prescribed set of challenges that will stretch a youth beyond their comfort zone, and will call them to find within them the ability to endure, overcome, and emerge triumphantly

– A tradition of Spiritual Eldering designed to pass on wisdom and knowledge from one generation to the next

– A tight knit community that is eager to collectively honor and celebrate all milestones in an individual’s life

In contrast, the guidance I received, growing up, consisted of explicit messages, overt assistance, and covert expectations, all directed toward achieving high grades at school, an academic degree, and a career that will guarantee enough money to ensure a secure retirement.

There was no conscious guidance toward grounded, balanced, intentional adulthood, and in its absence I could only imitate what I saw around me. It took many years of unlearning (including quitting cigarette-smoking and coffee-drinking) to develop a sense of deeper meaning in my life.

Deeper meaning is what the youth search for. The need we have as young human beings, while transforming from childhood to adulthood, is for meaningful challenges that will help us prove to ourselves that we are courageous and worthy; role models that will inspire us to strive, and communities that will accept us as equals.

In the absence of such cultural offerings, the youth of each generation will devise their own tests that would lead them to become accepted by their tribe. For me, it was cigarettes and coffee that made me feel grown up and ultimately belong. For many today it is gang activity or teen pregnancy. These are the shadow manifestations of an authentic need. They seemingly include every element of traditional rites of passage:

– Going beyond one’s comfort zone to prove worthiness (gang activity and teen sex)

– Performing daring acts that lead to approval (in the eyes of gang members, or boyfriend/girlfriend)

– Ultimate acceptance or belonging (this last one applies to gang members but hardly ever to girls who get pregnant. They often end up shunned by both their boyfriend and their family)

This grim picture only exists because we, as a society, abdicated our responsibility to our young!

It is in our hands to restore the picture to its natural balance. It is our (exciting!) task to rally around our young in meaningful ways, to provide them with meaningful challenges that will stretch them positively, and to receive them as equals when they triumphantly emerge from their trials.

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: A Diva's Guide to Getting Your Period, Becoming Peers, Deanna L'am, Mentoring Girls, Red Moon School of Empowerment for Women & Girls — Annie @ 4:00 pm

Comments (2)

« Newer Posts — Older Posts »