Parenting | Annie Fox's Blog - Part 70 Annie Fox's Blog

Not under my roof: A conversation w/author Amy Schalet

November 16, 2011

For the past 14 years I’ve received email from t(w)eens around the world. 80% of them fictitiously sign their letters “Confused.” They’re confused about a whole lot of stuff, especially sex. It’s cool that they use their confusion as a motivator to ask questions of an adult (by most measures, that would be me). Otherwise, how are they going to understand what they need to know so they can make good choices?

Here’s one that came in last week from a young teen:

If a male only sticks the tip of his penis into a girls vagina, is it considered “having sex”?

The next day this one arrived:

I was walking with my partner and as a tease he held my leg from the top and I think his hand hit near my vaginal hole but he didn’t put his finger straight in and I moved. It was literally one second but I had my trousers on and it was just whilst I was walking. Any chance I can get pregnant with that? I’m very young and scared.

Required reading for 21st Century Parents

Don’t let their ignorance of mechanics distract you from the bigger picture: Too many t(w)eens seem to view sexual contact as a casual activity with no serious relationship or emotional closeness required. I fear those kids will have trouble developing bonds of real intimacy.

Last week’s Glee episode featured two in-love high school couples (one gay, one straight – all four teens were 12th graders), crossing the threshold in their long-term relationship and choosing to have sex for “The First Time.” Kudos to the writers for showing us characters sensitive to each other’s needs. Rarely on TV or in films do we see teens willing to put so much careful thought into decisions having to do with sex.

It got me thinking how American teens might make different choices if they had more role models for talking about sex with their partners… or even with their parents.

I know it sounds totally crazy to imagine teens having real conversations with their parents about serious relationships, but after reading Amy Schalet’s new book Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens and the Culture of Sex I learned the American way isn’t the only way. If we can agree the goal is to prevent teen pregnancy and to help older teens “navigate the challenges of sexuality and first relationships” then, generally speaking, American parents and educators are doing a lousy job.

As Schalet’s book thoroughly documents, Dutch parents have a more open attitude about sex education which results in Dutch teens having less casual sex and far fewer pregnancies. They also sneak around less and experience much less alienation from their parents during these years. Wow! I didn’t know there was an alternative to teen alienation. My view is tainted by emails from teens who don’t like lying to their parents and aren’t particularly enjoying random hook-ups or “friends with benefits” arrangements. Bottom line, they don’t seem to be having all that much fun doing the stuff they’re sneaking off to do and yet, they’re doing it anyway and not necessarily learning anything positive.

I was eager to talk to the Amy about Not Under My Roof. We had a great conversation which included many eye-openers. Check this out: When asked about their first sexual experience, a majority of American girls said: “I wish I had waited longer.” That indicates regret for whatever reason. There’s also a possibility that the girls felt pressured to have sex when they didn’t really want to. When Dutch girls were asked a similar question, 85% said: “We both wanted it. We chose it.”

Very interesting.

Here are my big takeaways from my conversation with Amy Schalet, “One narrative doesn’t fit all.” When we give our teens only one message we:

Fail to give them the education/guidance/space they need to make responsible choices about their own sexual behavior.
Build unnecessary walls between us and our kids based on deception and distrust and the false assumption that we can control their behavior.
Prevent them from a basic understanding of what it means to “be ready” to have sex. This is something only the individual can determine but the parent can help with these guidelines:
1. the partner is trustworthy
2. the time you’ve had in the relationship thus far
3. you and your partner have talked about having sex and what crossing that threshold means to each of you
4. you both want to have sex
5. you understand it will change the relationship. You’ve thought about and talked about how might it change your feelings for each other. How might it also change your expectations, your behavior, your agreements?

Some of you may feel that teen sex is never ok. If so, then you’re in agreement with the American cultural narrative of “Just don’t do it.” Even if that is your perspective, the teens in your life will still benefit from your talking with them about sex and relationships. They’ll also appreciate your listening to what they have to say. They need to hear your values because by 19 years of age, 70% of young people have had sex. That’s reality. Since that’s where they’re going, you want them making conscious, healthy choices.

btw, in addition to reading Amy’s book, you might also want to check out my interview on FoxNews.com where I talk about Teen Sex in the Family Home.

Filed under: Bookshelf,Parenting,Parenting Books,Pop Culture — Tags: Amy Schalet, Glee, Note Under My Roof, teen sexuality — Annie @ 4:17 pm

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415.ASK.AFOX

November 12, 2011

Annie Fox, coming soon to a radio near you.

You know how sometimes a conversation can be life-changing? We had one of those yesterday. Even before we finished talking, we knew we were on to something. It was raining. Good day to be inside. Me and David and two neighbors around our dining table. And yes, there were muffins involved. Let me just say for the record, Robin Gianattassio-Malle and Rose Malle-Gianattassio aren’t just folks we wave at while walking the dog. These women are seasoned, savvy professionals in the areas of media production and business strategies with their own Blue Egg Media company. David, Rose, Robin and I are also kindred spirits. And friends. Lucky for us.

What started as a general question “What are your goals for the coming year?” turned into… “Let’s create a radio show where Annie talks about raising healthy kids by answering parenting questions. And since there’s nothing more compelling than actually hearing the voice of a parent describing what they’re going through, let’s bring in those voices.”

So we’re creating a pilot for a radio show. First step, collect the voices of people who could use help with a parent-child relationship. If you’re interested in getting your parenting question answered in a future radio show, please call 415.ASK.AFOX (415.275.2369) and leave a voice mail message. By leaving your question on our voice mail, you give us permission to use your voice recording. You can include your name if you want to or not, but we will need your email address. Even if we don’t use your recording in the show, I promise I’ll answer your question anyway.

Oh, and one other thing, when you call, you won’t be put “live” on the air so don’t worry about how you look. It’s just a recording.

That’s it. That’s the big idea. I can help you and together we can help other parents. Just call 415.ASK.AFOX and tell me about your current parenting challenge. I’ll take it from there.

Filed under: Announcements,Parenting — Tags: 415AskAFox, ask annie fox, Blue Egg Media, electric eggplant, Parenting Advice, radio shows, Robin Gianattassio-Malle, Rose Malle-Gianattassio — Annie @ 5:15 pm

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We kids need to know about friendship… Part 2

October 31, 2011

This is part two of my series on Friendship Q & A with kids. Today I’ll focus on specific friendship problems caused by ineffective communication (which includes no communication at all!) Part 1 of the series, which started last week, deals with general questions about friendship. All of the questions in this series came to me from a group of 4th-8th graders. Enjoy the exchange and please use them as discussion drivers with your own children and/or students.

Friendship can feel like a struggle for control

1. “My bff is super sensitive and sometimes when I’m not trying to be mean to her, it comes across mean and I’m trying to not do that but it’s hard because she’s more sensitive than me. So I’m wondering how to avoid hurting her feelings.”

Good communication is often a challenge… and not just for kids! From time to time even the most intelligent adults have trouble in this area too. You have probably already noticed that words are powerful. They can be used for helping or hurting. For example, by choosing the right words, you can encourage someone when they’re ready to give up. With just your words, you can calm someone who’s upset. You can use words to share your enthusiasm and to show love and appreciation. Positive words are truly amazing!

On the other hand, words can hold negative power and sometimes what we say and the way we say it hurts people. That can happen when we’re angry and purposely using words to try to “get back at” someone for something they’ve done to us. Or something we think they’ve done. But sometimes, even without trying to hurt anyone… without trying to “be mean,” our words can hurt people anyway.

You’ve asked a great question and I’m really proud of you for wanting to “avoid hurting” your bff’s feelings. With people who are “super sensitive” it pays to be super careful choosing your words, your tone of voice and your attitude. And you can do that! The other thing you can do is to talk to your friend about this situation. You might say, “You know how sometimes I say something, without trying to be mean, and your feelings get hurt? I feel really bad when that happens. What can we change so that doesn’t happen as much?”

When friends can talk to each other about misunderstandings they end up with all-around better communication. When you’ve got that, there’s a good chance both friends will do a better job taking care of the friendship.

2. “My friend does this thing when he’s done talking and I start to talk but then he starts to talk when I’m in the middle of my sentence. I can’t talk. What can I do?”

Sometimes people get so excited about what they want to say, they interrupt other people. When it happens once in a while it’s not a big deal. But it sounds like this happens to you often with this friend. It also sounds like maybe you haven’t yet talked to him about it.

You are your friend’s teacher. Sounds strange, but it’s true. We teach our friends how we want to be treated. If, for example, you keep quiet when your friend cuts you off in the middle of your sentence, then you are “teaching” him that it’s OK to do that. I know you don’t like it, but if you don’t speak up, he thinks you don’t mind. So… what you need to do is teach him that you don’t appreciate his cutting you off that way. You don’t have to make a big deal about it. You just need to say something like this, “Sometimes when I’m talking, you start to talk right in the middle of my sentence. That bothers me.” Then close your mouth and LISTEN to what he has to say about it. My guess is that he probably not aware of this habit he’s gotten into. So all you have to say is, “If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll just let you know next time it happens.” And make sure that you do just that!

Oh, and one more thing… be cool. If you jump on the guy and get angry with him, as in “There! You see!? You’re doing it again!!” You’ll probably end up creating a lot of stress in the friendship. Instead, the next time he does it (after you two have talked about it) just put up your hand and say “Hold on. Let me first finish what I was saying.” That ought to fix the problem.

3. “What do you do when you and your friend had a fight and you want to make up but you don’t know what to say?”

Friends have fights and people get angry. But if friends value the friendship, they’ll cool off after a while and agree to talk about what happened. That’s called Making the Peace. It takes two people to have an argument and it takes both of them to work together to get to the bottom of the disagreement. Sometimes it’s hard to say “I’m sorry.” Sometimes saying, “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. The first step in Making the Peace is to come together and talk, calmly and respectfully to each other (not about each other behind his/her back). Give each person a chance to tell his/her side of the story. When Friend A is talking, Friend B gets to LISTEN. No interrupting No correcting. No eye-rolling. No texting! When Friend B tells their side of the story, Friend A just LISTENS. Learn what the other person was thinking and feeling during the fight. Figure out a way to handle things differently the next time. You can do it!

The following two questions are so similar so I put them together in my answer.

4. “What should you do when your best friend ignores you?”

5. “If one of my best friends is mad and nothing is making him happy and he won’t talk to me to make it better, what do I do?”

It’s very difficult for two people to communicate effectively if one person isn’t talking. Two friends can’t get to the bottom of the problem or work on it together if one person has shut out the other one. Maybe writing an email or an old-fashioned letter would help in both of these situations. The message would be simple and straight forward: “What has happened to our friendship? I want to talk to you about it.”

If you don’t get an answer, then maybe it’s time to take a vacation from the drama of this friendship. Instead, of stressing out about getting the silent treatment, reach out to other friends and/or try to make some new ones. Real friends don’t ignore each other and don’t shut off communication when they’re mad. You deserve to be with friends who treat you like a real friend.

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: character education, communication skills, friendship challenges, Middle School — Annie @ 5:31 pm

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We kids need to know about friendship…

October 19, 2011

Last week I had the honor of speaking to several groups of very articulate 4th-8th graders. The topic was one of my favorites: Real Friends vs. The Other Kind. The students submitted questions but because I didn’t have a chance to answer them all during our time together, I promised to post them in a series of blogs. Here’s the first installment of that series. I hope parents and kids will read these questions together. I also hope my responses will open the channel for ongoing conversations about friendship challenges. Click here for Part 2 of the series.

This friendship stuff can be really confusing

General friendship questions:

1. “How do friends become friends?”

That’s a great question! How people become (and stay) friends is a little bit magical. You meet someone and there’s something about him or her that you just like. And that person feels the same way about you. Maybe you two share a special interest. Or you have a similar sense of humor. There are many ways and many reasons people are drawn into a friendship. Whatever is the “glue” that brings two people together in a friendship, it is often a great opportunity to learn about yourself and others.

2. “How long do friendships last?”

Friendships are not like milk or cottage cheese. They do not come with an “expiration date.” Friendships between kids, tweens and teens usually last as long as both friends feel respected, accepted and safe in the friendship. When one or both friends no longer feels comfortable in the friendship (for whatever reason) it makes sense to talk about it with your friend. (Talking about it behind your friend’s back is not a good idea. I’ll bet you can guess why.) Sometimes an honest conversation can help friends realize that they need to make some changes in the way they treat each other. When both people are willing to make those changes, then the friendship can grow to the next level. Sometimes what comes out of that kind of conversation is a decision to take a “break” from the friendship. That’s ok too.

3. “How do you figure out a problem fairly?”

You probably don’t need me to tell you that it’s not always possible for someone to get his/her way all the time. That’s true in a friendship and in all relationships. When you want one thing and your friend wants something else, that’s a conflict. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Think of a conflict as a good opportunity to work on unraveling a problem and making the friendship healthier. Here’s how: The most “fair” way to sort things out during a conflict is by taking turns LISTENING to each other. We listen best with a closed mouth, an open heart and an open mind. After we’ve each had a turn saying what we want and how we feel, work together and figure out a compromise. Try to stay calm. That’s important for good problem-solving and respectful behavior. By talking respectfully and working together in this way, you and your friend have made your friendship stronger. When each friend gets some of what he/she wants, it’s more likely to feel fair.

4.”Why do these friendship problems happen?” “Is it normal to have a fight with a friend?”

Problems between people happen because each of us has his/her own ideas and opinions. It is totally normal to disagree with a friend from time to time. As long as you and your friend are always treating each other with respect (even when you’re disagreeing) then it’s fine. In fact, dealing with friendship problems can be very educational! There’s no reason to get stressed or worried if you and a friend aren’t getting along right now. Calmly talking about the problem with your friend and LISTENING respectfully to each other is a good way to resolve problems. Even though talking is good, it isn’t always going to instantly fix what’s wrong in a friendship. But it’s usually a great place to start. But sometimes, when people are feeling very angry or hurt, it’s a good idea to give each other some space. Then when emotions cool down, you and your friend are in a better place to talk and to listen. If you need help sorting things out between you and a friend, talk to your parents or email me.

5. “How do you know when a friend is a friend?”

That depends on how you define the word “friend.” I define a real friend as someone I trust who I feel totally comfortable and safe with. I always know I can talk openly with my friend and he/she feels the same way about me. Me and my friend share interests and values. We enjoy spending time with each other and can freely share the good times and the sad times. But that’s just me. Take a minute right now and think about your own definition of the word “friend.” Now think about all the people you call your “friends.” When you think about a real friend, you may feel happy. You may even get a little smile on your face when you think about this person and the special friendship you have. If you’ve got a friend who makes you wonder “Is this person really a friend?” chances are you may not smile when you think of him/her. Instead you may feel confused or worried or jealous or stressed. It’s a good idea to pay attention to the way you feel when you’re with someone. Positive feelings are good clues to let you know if someone is a friend. Negative feelings are worth paying attention to also. They can be clues that something is not right in the friendship.

Questions about 3-way friendships
• What do I do when I have two close friends who don’t like each other?
• What do I do when I have a friend who has another friend that I don’t like and we have mini-fights over the person we both like?
• What should I do if my BFF and me don’t get to hang out at all and he/she plays with someone else that is not me.
• What do you do if your close friend is also a friend to someone you are friends with but not as close and you are fighting over the other friend?
• What happens when you are fighting over a friend with someone else?

Answer: All of these questions refer to “triangle friendships” that is, three people in a friendship where Friend A feels really close to Friend B but not so close to Friend C. When that happens, sometimes Friend A and Friend C argue a lot and Friend B can feel like (s)he’s stuck in the middle! It can get very stressful and complicated for everyone involved. Each situation is different, of course, but usually a good idea to calmly sit down together and talk to each other about what’s going on. It’s rarely a good idea to talk about people you’re not getting along with. That just adds to the “social garbage” in a friendship and in a school. The world is already filled with enough social garbage, so please try not to add to it! After a respectful conversation, it may turn out that all three friends figure out a way to be in a healthy triangle friendship. Or it may turn out that the best solution is to split up the triangle into two groups of two. For example, Friend A and Friend B spend some of the time together while Friend C spends time with Friend D (a new friend who wasn’t part of the triangle). Then on another day, Friend A and Friend C hang out together (just the two of them) while Friend B spends time with Friend E. Friendship conflicts are an opportunity to grown. Learning to compromise is a good life-skill. It gives each person some of what they want and helps you feel more grown-up and in charge of your behavior.

That’s all for now. Next Wednesday I’ll be posting some more friendship questions from these amazing students.

Filed under: Parenting,Teens — Tags: character education, conflict resolution, friendship issues, real friends vs. the other kind — Annie @ 5:43 pm

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