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November 3, 2013
November is National Novel Writing Month: Write a 50,000 word novel by midnight the 30th. It’s not a contest, just an awesome opportunity to do more than talk about that book you want to write.
Inspired and egged on by my daughter and son (both professional writers) I began the challenge last Friday. Now all I have to do is write 1667 words per day every day for thirty days. And voila a first draft of a novel is born. No guarantee that every word will be brilliant or even spelled correctly, but I’m pushing ahead because a) I’m an overachiever, b) I’ve got a story squirreling around in my head and invading my dreams and c) it’s the only way I’ll ever get a good night’s sleep again.
So I’m plugging away at this novel and won’t post new blogs this month. But I will be treating all you lovely people to some seasonal golden oldies. Starting with:
Need Some Help, Mom?
The following essay is an excerpt from my book, Teaching Kids to Be Good People
 What do you MEAN we have to help?! Not too long ago I read a letter to Dear Abby from a distraught martyr . . . oops! I mean a mother who signed off as “Alone in the Kitchen.” She plaintively described how her adult daughters arrive for the holidays each year expecting the guest treatment. For some mysterious reason, these two able-bodied young women never think to offer dear old Mumsie any help with the annual banquet she produces for 20+ guests. Their work avoidance goes on for a day or two until Mom, frazzled and frantic, slumps to the linoleum and whimpers like a pathetic dog. At which point the princesses roll their eyes and deign to lift a sponge for a fleeting moment, before disappearing again.
As I read the column, my blood pressure spiked. But my target wasn’t the daughters as much Mom. I mean, really, where did she think her lovelies learned to act like guests at home? How in the world had they reached adulthood totally lacking the common courtesy to pitch in?
Abby called out Mom for overindulging, but I gave her answer a C+ because she neglected to offer the woman any suggestions for fixing the problem. If it had been my column, here’s what I would have said:
Dear Alone in the Kitchen,
Wondering where Drizella and Anastasia picked up their royal sense of entitlement? Look in the mirror because it’s self-reflection time. If you really want to change the dynamic in your family this holiday season and forevermore, start with an apology. I’m serious! You have failed to teach your children the first thing about being helpful. Instead, you’ve taught them that their job is to sit back and let you cater to their needs. You’ve also held them back from developing a cooperative spirit by rewarding them for being self-centered. Admit the ugly truth. Forgive yourself. Apologize. And move forward, quickly, because you’ve got a turkey to stuff!
In friendship,
Annie
There are always things that need to be done to make a home livable. (Of course, it’s our living in it that makes it messy, but we can’t get around that, can we?) Whether you’re prepping for a special family event or needing to dive into seasonal household chores, make a master task list. Gather the troops, post the document, and announce to your family, “Here’s what needs to get done. Which tasks are you taking responsibility for?” (Speak as assertively as possible. No shouting, asking, pleading, guilt-tripping, etc.) If you have no confidence in someone’s promise to help (due to past flakiness) then get it in writing. After each self-selected assignment, smile, and in your best coach voice say, “Thanks. We’re all counting on you.”
My personal, unscientific research clearly indicates that when we want something done, the chance of compliance drops to less than 20 percent when our request comes in the form of a spineless question like “Can someone please help me?” (“No thanks.”) “Can I ask you a favor?” (“Sure, but I’m not doing it.”) “Do you have a minute?” (“Not now.”) See what I mean? Instead, try this: “Hey guys, I need some help in here.” See? It’s a statement, not a question. Practice it on your own so there is no trace of pleading in your voice.
Breaking patterns isn’t easy, but it’s easier than breaking your back doing all the work with little or no cooperation from anyone. It’s also better for your soon-to-be young adults to learn to notice the needs of others—essential in teaching them to be good people.
As for any male or female martyrs within the sound of my voice, that would be anyone who believes if s/he doesn’t do it all single-handedly, s/he won’t be a “good” parent, nor be loved and appreciated: You are already loved, appreciated, and admired. And when it comes to holiday celebrations, if you do much more than your fair share, you may end up with a sore back and feelings of resentment, and where’s the holiday spirit in that?
So teach your children to help. Otherwise, how can they possibly learn to make a killer Thanksgiving dinner on their own some day? And how will they teach your future grandkids to be helpful people at home and out in the world?
October 30, 2013
 Open. You've got the keys I know it’s not the official last day of this month-long Kindness and Respect Challenge. (We all remember Thirty days hath September…) But tomorrow’s Halloween. (Yay, Kit-Kat bars!) So this is my wrap-up post.
When I take on a challenge my goal is to learn and to teach. Like my previous Annoyance Challenge. Did I really want to learn to be more annoying? Teach others to shorten their tempers? No and no. I (stupidly) thought it might be good to learn more about what pushes my buttons so I could, you know, be less reactive and help others do the same. Throwing myself into an annoyance challenge was like draping myself in cosmic fly paper. I instantly attracted the most irritating people and situations. As unpleasant as it was, I learned a bit about my prickly side. Also discovered that feeling irritated may not be a choice, but acting on it definitely is. I also learned to opt out more often. A good thing for me and my family.This time, I wanted to explore a positive human response.
What I’ve learned about kindness and respect
1. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.
2. There are no guarantees we ever get what we deserve.
3. We often feel sad and unappreciated when others treat us like crap so we throw a Self-Pity Party.
4. We often feel frustrated and hostile when others treat us like crap so we try to make them pay.
5. How others treat us is beyond our control. (see 2)
6. We have some control over our own behavior.
7. We can choose to be compassionate and respectful to ourselves and others.
8. We can also choose to be ornery and hard to live with.
9. We each have tremendous potential to be good and power to do good.
10. Unfortunately we don’t always remember what we’ve got going for us because destructive emotions can work against us. (See 3 and 4)
11. Stress helps us survive in emergencies. But most of what we stress about is just day-to-day life. Mis-identifying the mundane as EMERGENCY!! messes with our natural inclination to be kind and respectful to one another. And yet (irony of ironies) that inclination is frequently the most effect approach.
12. When we are kind and respectful we can often soften hearts and open minds.
13. When we are kind and respectful and people remain hard-hearted and close-minded, we still did the right thing. For that, we earn Good Karma points.
14. Whenever you see a child, smile kindly and say “Hi.” Kids need to see kind people in the world.
15. Whenever you are with children, treat them and everyone else with respect. That’s how you teach kids what it feels like to be respected and what it looks like to be respectful.
Okay. That’s all I’ve got for now.
Thanks for coming along with me on this leg of the journey. Hope you learned something useful.
In friendship,
Annie
October 28, 2013
 Ah yes, the family is together again Depending on your relationships with kin folk, the upcoming holidays may bring on joyful anticipation or a queasy gut. If you’re planning on attending a family get-together be on your best behavior. Why? Because nothing kills the holiday spirit faster than letting the button pushers win. You know who I’m talking about:
- Your aunt who rehashes everything that messed up her annual trip to Vegas because of course you want to hear how stale the airplane pretzels were.
- Your brother–in–law who asks how you’re doing, then four seconds into your answer interrupts with “Oh, did I tell you….?”
- Your niece who comments on the health hazards of each lovingly made side dish on the buffet table.
Drives you bonkers every time, right? Instead of allowing these encounters to vaporize your Happy Ho-Ho, here are three good reasons to stay calm:
1. When you exchange irritation for compassion you take better care of yourself emotionally and physically.
2. When you refuse to let your buttons get pushed you do your part to make the get-together happier for yourself and everyone else.
3. All parents are teachers. If you want to teach your kids to be good people who know how to use their “company manners” you’ve gotta show them what it looks like.
Tips for Becoming More Compassionate (during the holidays and year-round)
When that relative does or says something which grates your nerves, ASK yourself:
- What’s going on with me right now? Irritation? Embarrassment? Frustration? Boredom? Resentment? Jealousy? Job #1= Identifying what you’re feeling so you can start understanding your reactions and take them off auto-pilot.
- Why does this bother me so much? We are hardest on people whose behavior mimics parts of ourselves that we dislike. Which part? Think about it. And while you’re pondering, you might find yourself softening toward the equally flawed mortal in front of you.
- What’s my usual way of responding? How does your knee-jerk response increase your stress levels and the stress of the people closest to you? Thinking clearly about the downside of our usual reactions can encourage us to explore more positive options.
- What does that person need? We’re usually so busy resenting button pushers we rarely think about helping them. But if you consider why Auntie must rehash every complaint and disappointment, negative family dynamics can shift. Maybe she just needs someone to acknowledge her troubles. Sounds like what most of us need at times. Maybe the problem isn’t what Auntie really needs, but her inability to ask for it directly. If you can figure out what she (or anyone) really wants and you can provide some or all of it, you might discover a) Auntie isn’t as “irritating” as she used to be, b) you feel more compassion and love towards her, and c) you’ve freed yourself from a cycle that only made things worse. Win-win-win.
Revving up to family get-togethers, talk honestly with your teens about the challenges we all have in expressing our needs. Share with them what you’ve learned about being part of a family. Let them know while families are forever, family dynamics can change. With compassion and a willingness to be honest about what you feel and what you need, you can teach your children that healthy people continue growing in positive directions.
Happy Holidays, from our family to yours
October 24, 2013
 Watch where you step. Watch what you toss. I know a school where broken glass is a serious problem. Kids there freely toss it in classrooms and hallways, in the lunchroom and on the playground. Where do they get it? It’s everywhere for the taking and every day there’s more. The students at this school keep their pockets full so whenever they feel the urge, they lob sharp fragments at other students. When the glass hits the mark it pierces and often sticks. The fallen shards are left for others to step on.
Does it hurt the hands of the kids who throw the glass? Sure, but it’s worth a little pain because in this school it’s cool to make other people suffer. Pumps up the glass throwers and makes them feel powerful. And if all of this weren’t appalling enough, in this school kids are required to walk around barefoot. You heard correctly. No protection allowed for those tender little soles. If you visited, you’d see kids limping around with bloody feet and hands.
Not a place you’d ever send your child, I’m sure.
So where is this school? Maybe you’re guessing it’s in that state. The place where parents have no common sense nor the time/inclination to teach their kids to be good people. If you guessed “Not my state,” you’d be wrong. Actually, this glass-filled school is in your state. In fact, it’s the school your child attends.
(Excuse me while I cover my ears to mute the screams of: “You’re wrong, Annie! My child’s school does not have broken glass anywhere! Every corner of our school is safe.”
OK, you got me. There’s no actual broken glass lying around any school I know. I just made up the glass thing as a not-so-subtle metaphor for the teasing, rumors, harassment, and general peer-to-peer meanness found in every school.
So… now that we know what we’re talking about and we’re willing to admit that yes, there is some broken glass in our school, what are we doing about it? How might teaching our kids my glass metaphor change their attitudes and behavior? Try it and let me know what happens. The way I figure it, it’s worth the effort to protect their tender souls.
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