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October 23, 2013
 I seriously need a friend. Kids and teens can view of themselves as powerless in a world where adults call all the shots. But that’s not the whole story. Kids have power. And every day, your children and mine get opportunities to use that power to do good or to do harm. Sometimes, turning a blind eye and choosing to do nothing results in more harm.
If we, truly value kindness and appreciate it when it comes our way, we can’t ignore suffering. We’ve got to do our part to keep kindness alive… every chance we get. And we’ve got to teach our kids to be kind. But how?
Child or adult, it takes extra social courage to exit our comfort zone and to help a vulnerable person. When kids ask me about standing up for someone who is being harassed, I tell them they should never put themselves directly in harm’s way. But I make it clear that there are many ways to help an underdog and let him or her know: “I’m not like the others who are giving you a hard time. I’m here to help.”
Fuel for Thought (for adults) —At different times we have all been underdog, top dog, and middle of the pack dog, so we know what it feels in each of those places. Being on the bottom, without support, can be terribly lonely. Think about a time when you felt like an underdog. Where did you turn for support? What response did you get? Think of a time when you helped an underdog. What happened?
Conversations That Count (with kids)– Talk about the concept of a “pecking order” amongst animals and humans. Say this to your children: “Most of the time, when we’re not on the bottom, we don’t give much thought to those who are.” Now ask your kids what they think about that. True? Not true? How do you know? Talk about who is “on the bottom” in your child’s class. (Even kids as young as second or third grade have a keen awareness of social strata.) How do other people treat that child? How do you treat that child? What might happen if you stood up for the underdog?
Teach—Challenge your child to be a hero and shake up the social strata at school by standing up for someone who needs a friend. Follow up and find out from your child what happened with the challenge.
Please let me know how you teach your kids about the importance of standing up for the underdog.
October 22, 2013
This Real World Parenting Assignment is excerpted from my book, Teaching Kids to Be Good People. You can read another excerpt from it right here.
 Let me give you a hand Knowing What’s Needed (so you can be as helpful as possible)
Parenting and teaching are both highly nuanced arts. Being a good person also requires nuance, which is usually learned in the family. When we take a nuanced approach to helping people, by thoughtfully expressing our perspective, observing, asking questions, listening, understanding, and acting with compassion, we are more likely to be of real service to others.
Fuel for Thought—Sometimes our best intentions miss the mark and only make things worse. Sometimes we don’t take time to assess what’s really needed, or we make assumptions and end up not being helpful at all. Recall a time when someone’s well-meaning response actually made you feel worse. Recall a time when a compassionate, nuanced response was helpful.
Conversations That Count—Talk with your child about the way some people react more intensely than others. Maybe you or someone in your family is like this. Let your child know that this tendency may be part of our in-born temperament and it isn’t necessarily a good thing or a bad thing. If your child typically gets very upset when things aren’t going well, ask, “When you’re feeling that way, how would you like other people to respond so we can help you?” Listen to his/her answer and take note. Conversely, if someone else in the family is easily upset, ask your child, “At those times, how might we be more helpful to _____?”
Teach—Make a family agreement to try harder to understand each other when we are upset. Get into the habit of observing what’s going on and focusing on being truly helpful. Instead of making assumptions, let’s agree to ask each other, “What can I do to help?” Sometimes, the most helpful response is to hang in there with love and compassion.
October 18, 2013
 It's right there and it's already yours If doing the right thing were easy it would be called A Day at the Beach. Instead it’s call social courage and it’s often missing in action when we need it. Why is that? Because we’re as wired for peer approval as we are for empathy. If your gut says you ought to stand up for the underdog or for tolerance but your peeps aren’t into that stuff, you’re going to feel stuck. You might wonder: “Do I shut up and play it safe? (Those who don’t try, never look foolish.) Or should I speak up and risk ridicule (or worse)?”
If you’ve ever had someone regale you with offensive jokes, maybe you’ve experienced this dilemma. I have. And while the guy across the table blithely displayed his racism, sexism and homophobia, I mentally screamed my righteous indignation. But did I say anything to Mr. I. M. A. Jerk? Nope. Chickened out. Kept my mouth shut. And felt deeply ashamed of myself for weeks.
Like I said, sometimes it’s hard for adults to do the right thing. Imagine how much harder it can be for kids.
Like this 6th grader:
Hey Terra, When I’m with my friends I don’t behave. And even though I don’t want to act cool and kinda mean, I have no other choice! I don’t wanna be with them any more. But if I leave to be with nicer girls, they’ll call me names like “You’re a user.” HELP! —Maggie
Dear Maggie,
I can tell you are a good-hearted person because you are bothered by the way your friends are acting. You don’t feel right being mean. Your self-awareness is your friend. It’s your Inner Voice. Listen closely and it can guide you in the direction of being a good person.
I understand it’s scary to leave one group and go to another. Especially if you’re worried that your old friends may turn their meanness on you! That might happen. And it might not. But what are your choices? If you stay with these girls and continue to doing things to hurt other people you’ll add to the bullying and meanness in your school. Your school already has plenty of that social garbage and doesn’t need any more. Also, if you stick with these friends you will lose respect for yourself. You don’t ever want to lose that.
On the other hand, if you leave this group to be with “nicer” girls, you will add to what is good about your school. You’ll feel happier and more relaxed. You’ll feel proud of yourself.
The choice is yours. Good luck!
In friendship,
Terra
See Day 21 of the Kindness and Respect Challenge
October 17, 2013
 Just shut up. No, YOU shut up! So the US government shut-down is over and the default crisis has been diverted with seconds to spare. Cool cool cool.
This isn’t a political post so no worries. Today, I’m neutral. Really. I don’t care which side of the river you pitch your tent. I only care about teaching kids to be good people, and that includes treating other people with respect. We all remember respect, right? The fine art of listening with an open heart and mind even when you don’t agree with what the other guy is saying. Even when listening to him or her makes your head explode.
What we all witnessed going down on Capitol Hill these past few weeks provides a great opportunity to talk to kids about compromise. When the kids in your life engage in a dispute on the playing field or a heated discussion in the classroom, what do they do? How do they typically behave when they’re locked in a disagreement with you or siblings or friends?
The slog has cleared in Washington and it’s a great time to have conversations, at home and at school, about getting along with other people. First you might start by asking yourself two simple questions:
- “How well do my kids perform when it comes to calming down and putting in the time and effort to understand the other guy’s or girl’s point of view?
- “In what ways could I do a better job helping my kids work together to move respectfully through a conflict to a compromise that serves the greater good (of the family, the team, the class)?”
Now that you’ve got something to think about, take the concepts out of your head and bring them into the real world of kids and the challenge of getting along with people. Talk to your children about resolving conflicts (online and off). Find out which of their approaches work well and which ones not so much. Make sure the discussion remains open and safe with all opinions respectfully listened to.
Oh, and don’t forget to model what you teach. For example, when your kids disagree with you and dig in their heels, how do you typically respond?
As always, your comments are valued and respected.
Check out Day 18 of the Kindness and Respect Challenge
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