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December 31, 2013
 I have no family. I don’t belong anywhere. Last day of the year and I’m settling in with a bowl of raisin oatmeal and a mug of vanilla black tea (Thank you, Trader Joe’s, and could you please carry this stuff year round?) I’m ready to write a pithy blog about looking back at lessons learned in the old year and setting goals for the new, when I get this email from a 16 year old who just found out he was adopted:
“Everything I knew about my family is a lie. My sisters aren’t my siblings. My mom and dad aren’t my mom and dad. My real mom abandoned me in a public toilet when I was a week old and my real dad was a violent criminal. My real mom didn’t even want me! So where does that leave me? I look at these people I’ve been living with and I just see two adults and two kids. I don’t belong here. I have no family. I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t know what to do.” – What now??
Dear What now?
Woah, this is a terrible shock! You probably feel like your world’s exploded and all the pieces have suddenly vanished. No wonder you’re so upset right now. I totally get it.
Writing to me was a smart move. No way should you try to figure this out on your own. It’s way too much. I’m going to do my best to help you. Here goes:
First please stop everything and breathe. Seriously. Right here at the computer. Take your hands off the keyboard and rest them lightly on your thighs. Relax your arms, your wrists, your fingers. Now inhale s-l-o-w-l-y and evenly through your nose. Then relax your jaw, let your mouth drop open and exhale s-l-o-w-l-y and evenly. Repeat this 4 or 5 times. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Slowly. (You can close your eyes if you like.) Breathing this way will help calm you down any time you need to de-stress and think more clearly. And right now you especially need it. So breathe.
OK. Ready for next steps?
Please answer this question: Before you found out you were adopted, what was your relationship your parents and your sisters like? If you’re not sure how to describe it, think about all the years you’ve had together and how you’ve felt being part of this family. Breathe while you remember times with your family… birthdays, holidays, school events, vacations, silly times, quiet times, times when you were sick, times when you were scared, times you were filled with excitement or needed comfort, etc. Let yourself remember.
In your email, you say your “real” mom didn’t want you. Sounds like you’re a bit confused between a biological mom and a real mom. They are not always the same thing. On the biological side, pretty much any dude and any woman can produce a baby. But being a real parent takes so much more. A real parent needs a loving and forgiving heart, infinite patience and a life-long unwavering commitment to a child. It’s a forever relationship where the parent’s #1 priority is the health and well-being of his or her child. There is nothing more “real” than that.
You say, “I don’t belong anywhere.” I understand why you’re feeling this way. You’re upset that you were lied to. You feel hurt and angry and you’re very confused about what all this means. But I’ve gotta disagree that you “don’t belong anywhere.” You belong just where you are, with your real parents in your real family. So, who are your “real” parents? The two people who went looking for you, found you, chose you then stepped up, made the commitment and have continued loving you and caring for you for sixteen years. That’s who I think earns the title of “My Real Parents.”
What do you think?
In friendship,
Annie
PS This is a really hard time for you and everyone in your family. Please talk to your parents about what you’re thinking and feeling about all of this. You have lots of questions and lots of emotions. There are things you need to know. So talk together and listen to each other. If it feels like you’re stuck, then reach out to a counselor at school or a family therapist in your community. You and your family can get through this. I know you can.
December 4, 2013
Lots going on this time of year. (Props for taking time to read a blog.) We feel pressure to make the holidays “perfect.” Pressure to spend. Pressure to save. Pressure to get the kids to behave. We all have moments when we trade “nice” for B#$@%. We’re human and we get stressed. But when we show more Beast than Loving Parent, we are damaging our children. That’s a problem that keeps making problems. The good news? We are key to the solution.
The following article is an excerpt from my book: Teaching Kids to Be Good People (If you’re interested, it’s 50% off for the holidays Code 3MZQS83F)
I had the pleasure of interviewing Rachel Simmons the Wise for my podcast series. We talked about her book The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence. We also discussed how often parents engage in meta-conversations with their children (i.e., parent says one thing and an unspoken message churns just below the surface).
With all that doublespeak how can a t(w)een learn to be authentic and express the truth of her heart? Not very easily. And it isn’t just parents and daughters. As Rachel put it, no matter who you’re talking to or what relationship you’ve got, “there’s always a meta-conversation going on.”
Parent: Oh, you’re still playing that game.
Meta-message: I just know you won’t get your homework
done tonight and then what? You think I like being on your case? Well, I don’t! But if I don’t keep after you how are you ever going to get into a decent college?
Mini meta-message: You’re lazy and I’m disappointed in you.
________
Parent: Don’t you think your other jeans would look better with that top?
Meta-message: Those jeans are too tight and too low cut. They make you look fat and slutty. What will Grandma say when she sees you wearing that? She’s going to think I’m a terrible mother to let you dress that way!
Mini meta-message: You’re fat and you embarrass me.
________
Parent: How’s your buddy Ryan these days?
Meta-message: Are you two still friends? Did something
happen between you? Are you now hanging out with people I should be worried about? (Sigh) You and I used to be able to talk about stuff. Now you don’t tell me anything. What else are you hiding from me? Maybe I don’t even want to know!
Mini meta-message: You’re disloyal and untrustworthy.
________
I’ve been thinking about meta-messages and how I use them. Whether they’re conscious or not, communication patterns between people often determine who we like to hang out with and who doesn’t make our FAVS list.
 Josie 2009-2012 During the holidays a few years back, Josie and I snuck out of the house before anyone else was up. Because she was still full of puppy beans and needed her off-leash time, we headed for the nearby hills. She instantly vanished through the trees tracking deer and squirrels and nosing the underbrush for ticks thumbing a ride. While she was gone I walked on, enjoying the quiet light and the colors. Every so often I’d whistle for Josie and she’d reappear, sometimes from behind me on the trail, sometimes way ahead. We’d smile at each other and wag our tails. “Yes! Good dog!” Then I’d give her a treat. After each reunion she’d take off again and I continued hiking.
So it went for an hour. When I finally put her back on leash I thought about the meta-conversation we had and why Josie happily kept returning to me. The way I figure, it comes down to this . . . each of us, dog and human, prefers to hang with those who tell us we are good dogs.
It also helps if they give us treats.
_______________
We’re in the darkest days of the year, so how about lightening up? Catch someone you love in the act of doing something right. Drop the meta-messages and smile.
October 29, 2013
 How mean do you really want to be? Just got this email from a teen who’s feeling really humiliated because of a mean trick played by her so-called friend partnering with another girl. I’ll let her describe it herself:
Hey Terra,
During math today I got up to throw something in the trash and my BFF (Friend A) whispered to me, “Are you on your periods because there’s a red spot on your jeans!” Shocked I ran to the bathroom and saw the “red spot” was the lipstick of my so-called Friend B. Earlier I saw her handing the lipstick to another girl who was standing near my chair. I didn’t expect she’d put red lipstick in my chair so I’d sit in it.
What if someone else besides my BFF saw the red spot?! I already feel humiliated. My first thought was “What did I ever did to her?!” I would NEVER do that to her because we’re all girls and I wouldn’t want to make anybody feel bad. I am really scared Terra. Especially scared that my crush saw it and won’t like me. Please send me your brilliant advice now, Terra!!!
–Humiliated
Hi there,
I know it’s almost Halloween and some people use it as an excuse to do some really “out there” stuff, but what happened to you is a really mean trick. I’m glad to hear that you’d “never” do something as mean as that to anyone. You should be proud of yourself because you’re a kind, compassionate and trustworthy girl. And I’ll bet you’re a great friend.
You’ve asked a good question: “What did I ever do to her…. (to make her think she needs to get back at me??)” I don’t know the answer. Only the girl who did it knows. You could talk to her, but I’m guessing she’d deny it. (“I didn’t do anything and I don’t know what you are talking about!”) You know how some kids can be, especially when they are confronted with the truth of their bad behavior.
Look, even if the girl admits she did it, so what? That’s not going to change anything. What happened happened. It’s history… not ancient history, but still… it’s in the past. Either someone saw the red spot or they didn’t. Either someone will tease you about it or they won’t. If anyone asks you “Did you get your period through your jeans?” You can simply say, “No. That was someone’s weird idea of a mean joke. They put lipstick on my jeans so it would look like blood. It wasn’t blood. It was red lipstick.” End of conversation. Don’t name names. Just move on.
That’s my best and most brilliant advice.
As for your “so-called friend” who was part of this cruel joke, you might talk to her about it. Let her know what you saw (the lipstick) and what you think of her kind of friendship… OR you could keep a safe distance from her because she doesn’t seem to be trustworthy. WARNING: Do NOT talk ABOUT her to anyone. That will just add more social garbage to your school.
Good luck and I hope this helps you calm down and move on. Remember, you didn’t do anything to be ashamed of. Whoever did this to you is the person who ought to be “humiliated” not you!
In friendship,
Terra
October 23, 2013
 I seriously need a friend. Kids and teens can view of themselves as powerless in a world where adults call all the shots. But that’s not the whole story. Kids have power. And every day, your children and mine get opportunities to use that power to do good or to do harm. Sometimes, turning a blind eye and choosing to do nothing results in more harm.
If we, truly value kindness and appreciate it when it comes our way, we can’t ignore suffering. We’ve got to do our part to keep kindness alive… every chance we get. And we’ve got to teach our kids to be kind. But how?
Child or adult, it takes extra social courage to exit our comfort zone and to help a vulnerable person. When kids ask me about standing up for someone who is being harassed, I tell them they should never put themselves directly in harm’s way. But I make it clear that there are many ways to help an underdog and let him or her know: “I’m not like the others who are giving you a hard time. I’m here to help.”
Fuel for Thought (for adults) —At different times we have all been underdog, top dog, and middle of the pack dog, so we know what it feels in each of those places. Being on the bottom, without support, can be terribly lonely. Think about a time when you felt like an underdog. Where did you turn for support? What response did you get? Think of a time when you helped an underdog. What happened?
Conversations That Count (with kids)– Talk about the concept of a “pecking order” amongst animals and humans. Say this to your children: “Most of the time, when we’re not on the bottom, we don’t give much thought to those who are.” Now ask your kids what they think about that. True? Not true? How do you know? Talk about who is “on the bottom” in your child’s class. (Even kids as young as second or third grade have a keen awareness of social strata.) How do other people treat that child? How do you treat that child? What might happen if you stood up for the underdog?
Teach—Challenge your child to be a hero and shake up the social strata at school by standing up for someone who needs a friend. Follow up and find out from your child what happened with the challenge.
Please let me know how you teach your kids about the importance of standing up for the underdog.
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