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September 26, 2013
Got an email from Concerned Mom whose smart, funny daughter has no trouble making friends, but lots of trouble keeping them. The pattern is this: Daughter gets close to other girls and feels accepted by them. Then, within weeks new found friends exclude and then ignore the girl. Naturally, she feels upset and alone, which, of course breaks Mom’s heart. She turned to me for advice and here’s what I told her:
I understand that it breaks your heart to see your daughter so unhappy. Of course you want her to make real friends who treat her with affection, kindness and respect. But it feels like something is missing in your email.
Each time your daughter is disappointed by a new friend you’ve listened to her side of the story, sympathized and offered comfort and support. All good! But there are at least two sides to every relationship story. That’s why I am curious about what’s going on from the other girls’ perspectives. Maybe you’re also wondering why each of these new friends turn against your daughter after such a short time? It’s a mystery worth exploring.
What might your daughter be doing (knowingly or unknowingly) to contribute to this reaction she often gets? How about if you ask her: “Why do you think ____ stopped wanting to be your friend?”
This question may bring up a lot of emotion, so please ask it in a neutral tone of voice. You’re not accusing your daughter of anything! You’re simply inviting her to put aside her sadness and think about what may be going on here. Right now, she’s hurt and confused and probably feeling powerless. She can regain some of her power by understanding how she functions in friendships because she plays a significant role in every one of them, whether she’s aware of it yet or not. To encourage her to think about that role you need to ask thoughtful, open-ended questions that have no “right” or “wrong” answers. Questions like “Why do you think this girl stopped being your friend?”
Listen to your daughter with an open heart and mind. Try not to interrupt. Initially, she may not say much. She might just shrug and say, “I don’t know.” In which case you might nod understandingly and say, “It’s hard to know why other people do what they do. But we usually have a reason. Your friends have been rude to you. If you could just guess why, what would you guess?”
Your daughter may have fallen into the habit of thinking of herself as a powerless victim to whom other people do unkind things. That’s not a good mental place for her to be. We want our girls to understand emotions (their own and other people’s). We also want them to feel confident in their ability to make and keep real friends. That includes learning to rebound from set-backs and to negotiate the ups and downs of relationships.
I hope this helps.
In friendship,
Annie
*Illustration by Erica De Chavez, from my upcoming The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship
UPDATE October 3, 2014: The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA is now available in print and on Kindle (the ebook can be read on any device, your mobile phone, tablet, or computer with the free Kindle reader app). Visit GirlsQandA.com for an excerpt, reviews, and to order your copy.
September 15, 2013
 Another make-shift memorial mourns another bullying victim Another kid pushed to the edge by bullies. Another disheartened sheriff addresses a news conference. “(She) was absolutely terrorized on social media.” Another disbelieving mom tries making sense of life without her little girl. “I never, ever thought it would happen to me or my daughter.”
This tragedy happened in Florida, though it could have been any place. Fitting, since the internet isn’t really any place but, at the same time, it’s every place. This case of peer abuse picked up fuel on ask.fm before it exploded Monday inside a 12 year’s mind, with the thought her life was worthless. Do ask.fm and other social media sites have any responsibility for the vicious behavior of its users? Yes. Because it happened on their turf. Could they do more to make their sites “safer.” Absolutely. Kids haven’t yet learned to manage their destructive emotions. They flip out of control frequently. That’s why adults monitor what goes on during school recess. Someone has to keep the peace because kids can’t do it themselves. Is it a perfect system? No, but it helps.
Social media is the largest unsupervised playground, yet where are the monitors? If anyone 15 years ago thought that kids online would naturally treat each other with respect, he’s surely woken up by now. We’re all awake now, aren’t we?
Social media sites need human moderation. That won’t completely solve the problem of bullying, but it will help to lessen it. Parents, find out which sites your kids frequent and what level of moderation (if any) those companies use. Bottom line: Your kids should not be on social media sites that don’t have human moderation in real time. Anything less puts your child at an unacceptable level of risk. Take away your business and see if that gets them to clean up their act.
Pressuring social media sites to take responsibility for the well-being of their tween and teen users, is an essential step. We also have to do our part, as parents and teachers. Our children seriously need an education at home and at school. Kids are so vulnerable to peer approval addiction, their thinking about right and wrong can get totally warped in the moment. Parents, kids, teachers, school administrators, counselors, coaches, youth leaders, mentors, all of us need to do more to reel in the culture of cruelty. Every day in which we react to a tragedy with a make-shift memorial, instead of the daily work of building schools and communities of compassion and respect, is a day we’ve failed our kids.
September 5, 2013
Let me tell you something, kids. It’s easier to think about bullying as something “out there” that someone else is doing. It’s easier to think of yourself as a nice girl or a good guy. That kind of thinking may be easy, comforting even, but it’s wrong. The urge to shut someone up or down, to make them sorry for what they’ve done, is in every one of us. Not an inspiring thought. Nothing to be proud of. But it’s true.
 She'll be sorry... When you’re jealous because someone you love loves someone else more, or you’re embarrassed because someone called you out in front of everyone… you feel so angry you want to do whatever it takes to bring down the people who hurt you. So you attack them with a fierce hate that you hope will draw blood. And if you make your victim cry, scare him or her so badly they’re afraid to ride the bus or step inside the lunchroom, you might feel powerful… for a moment. But that’s not who you are. And it’s not even close to where your true power lies.
We wish there was no bullying in school. Nice thought. And how do you think that’s going to happen? Hint: It’s got nothing to do with changing other people.
August 26, 2013
Unless you’ve got like 40 years experience in meditation, you’re going to get your buttons pushed. When we lose it, it’s usually because other people can be so annoying. If everyone else just got it together and met our personal standards of perfection, we’d be happy. C’mon universe, is that too much to ask? Guess so, because the universe doesn’t seem interested in making any of us happy all the time. Which kinda sucks. But there’s a creative challenge in there that’s intriguing. It’s about figuring out how to find our own peace of mind… even when other people are so… you know.
 Mom has lost it... again A girl was having a rough time with her mom and wrote to me for advice.
Teen: A few years ago I lied to my mom and told her I was getting a B in French when I was getting a C. She still says she can’t trust me even though I’m a good student. Mostly A’s and a few B’s. I want to prove to her that I am trustworthy and I want to stop us fighting so much. More recently our fights seem to be bigger and scarier and I’m surprised she hasen’t hit me because often she’s so angry she can only stutter. All her brothers and sisters joke how out my mom has an anger problem. (It’s true!) I know she has my best interests at heart but I need her to back off a little and stop being so critical. I’m scared we’ll have a horrible relationship when we are older because of this useless fighting!
Annie: This sounds like the unhappy relationship my mom and I had when I was a teen. Part of what’s going on here is probably normal: Teen girl starts to grow up, expresses her individuality and mom feels uncertain about how to relate to this emerging young woman. Seeing our kids as young adults reminds parents that our “job” has changed. We don’t have the same level of control over our kids’ lives. That can be scary for parents, though it sounds like you know how to make healthy choices (aside from lying about your French grade).
It takes two people to have a fight. Since you can not control your mom’s behavior try to get more control over your own. If she starts complaining or arguing what might happen if you don’t get all worked up in response?
Teen: I have never shouted back at my mom, I usually just sit there and stay calm while she yells- hoping that she will stop soon! I try not to let her anger get to me- but I think that could be something that annoys her, the fact that I don’t really show angry/mad/sad emotions. Maybe she feels like she has to yell extra long and loud to make a point.
Annie: You want more independence to make your own decisions without feeling negatively judged by your mom. And in a few years you will have that independence. The real challenge is “How do we co-exist in a more peaceful way, until then?” Have you ever talked with any other adults in your family about the challenges you’re having with your mom?
Teen: I’m close to my dad. He’s definitely more relaxed than my mom about all this growing up/girl stuff, but usually he doesn’t take sides. Wise man! What can you recommend that would help my relationship with my mom?
Annie: Slow deep breathing (AKA re-centering) whenever you feel tempted to “engage” in her negativity. Check out The Breathing Challenge. It is a challenge not to get stressed when the people around you are!
Also, try opening up to your dad and tell him how much you want a healthier relationship with your mom. Ask for his help in talking to her. Perhaps some calmly worded feedback from your dad would make your mom aware of how her behavior is contributing to the arguments. So talk to your dad and practice breathing. OK?
Teen: OK- thanks a lot Terra, I think I will be able to handle these situations with my mom better in the future.
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