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June 28, 2013
As I wrote in April, I’m currently working on The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship with the amazing illustrator, Erica De Chavez. We’ve been having a blast on this collaboration and that’s always a good sign about the finished product!
Easing into the looong Fourth of July weekend (Why not start celebrating now?) I thought I’d give you another sneak peek at the book, since we’ve been talking about independence and this question from a 5th grader couldn’t be more on topic.
Q: My best friend doesn’t like me doing anything on my own. But when I don’t have time to do what I love, I don’t feel like I’m really me!
A: Best friends do not need to do everything together. You are both allowed to have time away from each other. It’s cool to be able to do things on your own, like read or draw, play sports, ride your bike or just to sit and daydream. Independence is a good thing.
It sounds like your friend really doesn’t understand how important “on my own” time is to you. Maybe she doesn’t understand because it’s not the same with her or maybe you’ve just never talked about it. How about telling her? If, for example, you like to draw, you might say something like this, “Sometimes, I’d rather draw than do anything else. When I’m in one of those ‘I need to draw’ moods, I want you to let me draw without getting upset with me.”
You might also ask her what she likes to do when she’s on her own. This kind of conversation can help the two of you understand each other better and that can help the friendship become stronger.
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Check out other sneak peeks of The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship here and here.
UPDATE October 3, 2014: The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA is now available in print and on Kindle (the ebook can be read on any device, your mobile phone, tablet, or computer with the free Kindle reader app). Visit GirlsQandA.com for an excerpt, reviews, and to order your copy.
June 21, 2013
 Why? Cause I like it. Last time we were talking about kids’ transitions and graduating toward independence, something we parents should celebrate. But here’s a mom who wishes her daughter weren’t quite so independent. Can you relate?
Dear Annie,
Most parents don’t want their kids going along with the crowd, but I wish my daughter would! She dresses like a boy, only wearing boys’ shorts and shirts. It is beyond being a tomboy. She won’t ever put her hair up like the rest of the girls, even though the coach tells her to. Why is she doing this? Does she want to stand out? Or is she fighting the establishment? I want her to be herself, but she’s way overboard and has no friends because she is so different. I’ve told her all of this, but she won’t listen. Should I just let her learn the hard way?
Frustrated Mom
Dear Mom,
I’m sure you love your daughter and your advice is well-meaning, but I’m not sure how can anyone go “overboard” in being themselves. That’s like telling her, “Hold on! You are too much of who you are.”
You say want your daughter to, “be herself,” but do you really? Dressing this way is her way of being herself! While her fashion sense might make you uncomfortable at times, you need to deal with it on your own and try to keep your comments to yourself. Otherwise, your daughter will feel the sting of your disapproval every day. That’s damaging to her. Please remember that you are her most influential teacher. Giving her positive reinforcement will go a long way in helping her build self-esteem and resilience.
As to “why” she chooses to dress this way, there could be a number of reasons, but don’t assume she is looking for attention or purposely “fighting” anyone. Your daughter is her own wonderful, unique self. It’s not the child’s job to fulfill the parent’s expectations of who she is “supposed” to be. She doesn’t need fixing. She needs your unconditional love and support during her transition into young adulthood and throughout her journey, wherever it may lead. Please try to understand her better. You and she will both benefit tremendously from that.
June 17, 2013
 End of one chapter, start of the next I’m wired to cry. So naturally I sobbed hysterically after dropping my 18-month-old daughter at preschool. (Hey, I got better by the second week!) And I bawled as I dropped her off at college. And when her little brother left for college six years later, the waterworks gushed again. Kids beginning a new chapter in life can do that to parents. It can also make us feel incredibly proud, especially if they (and we) worked hard to reach that point.
As graduation parties wind down and you begin thinking about the next round of challenges coming up in the fall, here are some tips to help you through this transition:
- Let them have their summer: Kids need to relax and so do we. Yes things must get done before the new term, but unless your child won’t calm down until all school supplies and clothes are purchased, then save it for August and let them enjoy a balance of structured and unstructured time.
- Step back so they can step up: From September to May kids use the “I’ve got homework” excuse to avoid lending a hand around the house. Tell them that pass has expired. Besides, summer is a great time to help kids to develop responsibility. They’ll need it because each new grade level requires kids to take more responsibility for their education. They’ll only meet upcoming challenges when we require more of them as members of Team Family. Be specific with your summer expectations and hold the kids accountable. NOTE: Do not load them down with home and garden projects all day every day. Remember, it’s summer! (See tip #1)
- Create new goals for yourself: Our kids are moving toward independence – just as Nature intended. We’re moving in that direction too and eventually we’ll work our way out of this full-time parenting gig. That’s part of your job description. (Check the fine print on your kid’s birth certificate.) Even if your child is just starting first grade in the fall, the clock is running down on the “under the same roof” phase of parenting. Summer is a great time to remember that before you were a parent you were a person with unique interests and talents. What would you do with at least one extra hour a week just for yourself? Set a goal for yourself this summer and get started. Let your kids in on the goal and on your progress, too. (That’s great modeling!) If you chose well, working on your goal will sustain you on many levels when your child (eventually) leaves the nest.
Now go have some summer fun and pass me a tissue on the way out.
April 15, 2013
This morning’s email brought some of the usual questions from TeenWorld:
- How do I stop being shy so I can make more friends?
- Should I tell me bff that I kissed her bf?
- My friend can be kinda mean, but my life wouldn’t be the same with out her. What should I do?
- My parents accuse me of smoking and doing drugs. I don’t! How can I get them to trust me?
 Be careful what you wish for And then there was this one. Even though I’ve heard it before, somehow it felt new. I responded right away, but if that’s all I did only one girl would see it. For something this important I decided to go bigger.
Girls, have a read. So when it comes to self-respect, relationships and sex, we can get clear on a few basics. If you’re a mom with a girl of your own, you should read it too. (Just don’t go nuts and accuse your daughter of anything! Not helpful for keeping open the portals of trust and communication.) And if you’re a teen guy or a dad, probably a good idea for you to read it too. Then you can think (and maybe even talk) about respect and relationships and the god’s honest truth that girls and guys don’t typically share a common perspective on sex and what it means.
Hey Terra,
A lot of my friends have lost their virginity and I really want to lose it and get it over and done with. This guy that I’ve known for ages but haven’t seen for a while wants me to come over tomorrow have sex with him. I want to, but I don’t know what the consequences are. A lot of people said you get attached and some don’t. I don’t know what to do. Can you please help me!!!
Wanna Lose it Already
Dear Wanna Lose It,
I don’t know if your friends are in loving, mutually respectful relationships (I sure hope so) but if what they’re doing is right for them, that doesn’t automatically make it right for you. You wrote to me for a second opinion. That indicates you’re wondering if having sex is the right move for you at this time.
You asked about the “consequences.” I don’t know how old you are or why you’re in such a hurry to not be a virgin any more. But I do know that sex isn’t something you do because you want it to be “over and done with.” That makes sense if you’re talking about taking out the trash or working on a dreaded homework assignment. But when it comes to sex, getting it “over and done with” is wrong thinking that will lead to a lot of disappointment and heartache.
Sex ought to be an act of love. If there isn’t mutual respect and trust, it’s just not good. Especially for girls. If your friends think of sex as something very casual that you do with just anybody, then it’s likely they will go from one sex partner to another, feeling crappy about themselves, empty and unloved.
Please do not follow in their footsteps.
As for the guy that you’ve know “for ages” who wants to have sex with you tomorrow. Don’t take that as a great offer or as a compliment. He wants to use your body so that he can have an orgasm. Afterwards, he will send you away and tell everyone what you let him do. Then his friends will text, saying they want to have sex with you too. Other girls will start talking about you. And if you do get “attached” to the first guy, he’ll make it very clear that he wants sex, not a relationship. All of this is going to make you feel horrible. And, on top of that, you might get pregnant. (Another very real consequence.) You might also get a sexually transmitted disease.
But what you most certainly will NOT get, is a feeling of being loved and treasured. You deserve that. If you settle for less you’ll regret it.
I hope this helps you sort out your feelings so that you can make your own decisions. One that’s 100% right for you.
In friendship,
Terra
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