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January 26, 2013
I’ve been getting an awful lot of email lately from teens who feel abandoned by their bff. Usually the situation involves a “new girl” coming into the picture who is “stealing” a friend. If this has happened to you (or someone you know) maybe this teen’s email and my answer to it will be helpful. I hope so!
 How come she doesn't want to be my friend anymore? Hey Terra,
Me and “A” have been best friends since kindergarten and we are now in high school. In 7th grade, she started hanging out with this girl named “B.” Now “A” is with “B” all the time. “A” always has her FB status saying she’s “hanging out with my bestie” when she’s with “B.” I feel really jealous and sad. I feel like I shouldn’t be upset because she has the right to be friends with whoever she wants, but it still really hurts my feelings because I feel like she’s replaced me with someone who doesn’t like me. Any input to this would be great!
Ex-BFF
Dear Ex-BFF,
You are right when you say, “‘A’ has the right to be friends with whoever she wants.” And even though your head knows that this is true, your heart “still really hurts” because you miss the closeness you and “A” used to have. Because you don’t yet have another friend to share that same level of closeness with, you feel “jealous” and left-out. I understand.
Sometimes friends outgrow the friendship they have at the same time. Both friends, without saying as much, just start spending less and less time together. It doesn’t usually cause much hurt this way because both friends, for whatever reason, have turned their attention to other things and/or other people. But in this case, it sounds like “A” outgrew the friendship before you did. So you were left feeling “Hey! Come back! I don’t like being here without your friendship!”
My best advice is to try thinking of it this way: This wonderful, long-term friendship you had with “A” has given you many gifts. You two have had lots of great times. Laughed together. Shared secrets. Learned how to negotiate differences of opinions. Learned how to be honest with each other. Through your friendship with “A” you have learned so much about yourself. And one very important thing you’ve learned is what it means to be a great friend. You now have that skill and it’s yours, forever. Now’s the time to: a) Thank “A” for what she’s given you. b) Say goodbye to this phase of your friendship with “A.” You two may become close again in the future, but for now, this chapter has ended. And c) Take what you have learned about friendship and reach out to some new people. You have everything you need to create new friendships which will bring you more wonderful gifts.
Smile. It’s OK. I hope this helps you enjoy the rest of your weekend and the rest of the school year.
In friendship,
Terra
Hey Terra,
Thank you soo much for explaining it like that to me, it makes me feel much better about this situation.
Happier now
Dear Happier Now,
I’m so glad to have helped. Have fun.
In friendship,
Terra
December 10, 2012
by Jessica Oh, 16 year old high school student.
This personal essay, by Jessica Oh, was submitted to my teen website TheInSite.org. If you’ve got some expressive writing you’d like to share, fiction, or non-fiction, poetry or whatever, please send it in, I’d love to read it! And maybe your words will get featured on my site.
 Got that right! There she was standing alone in the corner while everyone talked among themselves. She was not loquacious enough to fit in. All she heard was rambling going through one ear to the other. Petrified she was, she finally decided to smile at a little girl from across the room. However, the little girl made her feel alienated. She got glares from every inch around the room when the teacher introduced her. It was such a different view coming from another country. Hearing the different language soak into her brain, she was frightened. The room was filled with little kids running around enjoying themselves, excluding her. She just wanted fit in, she just wanted someone to talk to, and she just wanted a friend. Even though she would probably not understand one single word that came out of their mouths, she would casually act along. However, who would want to be friends with a girl who came from another country with no sense of their language or their culture?
Her life was perfect as it was until a trembling announcement was made by her parents, “We are moving!” She feared this day would come but tried as hard as she could to make it go away. When they made the announcement, it hit her like a bee sting. Right there and then, she knew her whole life would collapse right in front of her. The solid ground that was the foundation of her life was shaking and the buildings were crumbling. Her heart was torn apart, she was devastated. She never knew what it felt like to be betrayed and depressed. Not only was she moving to a new house but moving to a new school, new country, and new everything. She was moving half way around the globe and her parents expected her to be fine? Tears fell from her left cheek and then her right. She would have to make new memories and her old memories would be long gone. She thought, ‘but what can I do that can change their mind?’ However, she had to face the fact that there was nothing, absolutely nothing she could do to alter their mind. She sluggishly packed her belongings and took whatever she could but had to leave the memories behind.
Read the rest of what happened to Jessica as she faced the challenges of being a stranger in a strange land…
November 24, 2012
I just got an(other) email from a teen being tormented by rumors. This stuff makes me angry and frustrated and sad. I have a pretty clear sense of how it makes the kids who’ve been targeted feel…. in a word, powerless! And while it’s true no one has the power to un-do a rumor that’s out there, if you or someone you know is suffering from the damage of a rumor, please read on. You are not powerless.
 Why are they spreading these lies? Hey Terra,
There are people spreading rumours at my school saying I had sex with my boyfriend behind the building. I don’t know how it started, and it’s not true! This is horrible and it’s hurting me and my boyfriend a lot! I am getting many harsh words and looks from people I don’t even know 🙁 What am I supposed to do ? Help me please!!!!!!
Lost and Hurting
Dear Lost and Hurting,
I’m really sorry people are being cruel to you and to your boyfriend. People who spread hurtful lies lack self-confidence and compassion. What can you do about what they’re saying? Well, unfortunately, you can’t un-do the rumor. It’s out there. You also can’t un-do any assumptions people have made about you and your boyfriend. What you CAN do is:
- Hold on to your self-respect.
- Hold your head high because you know that you’ve done nothing to be ashamed of.
- Try not to let them upset you with their “harsh words and looks.” I know that’s not always easy, but you impress me as a girl who is strong and self-confident, so work on staying in control of your emotions.
- Do not talk to anyone about the rumors or about the people who are spreading them. That would only increase the “warfare.” It’s not helpful. Don’t go there.
- If someone says something to you, look them in the eye and simply and calmly say, “That’s not true.” No yelling. No trying to convince anyone of anything. Just state the fact: “That’s not true.” Then end your part of the conversation.
Hopefully this “social garbage” (which is exactly what rumors are) will fade away soon. Your real friends will stick with you. If this garbage doesn’t fade away and you continue to be harassed, please talk with the school counselor and/or your parents.
I hope this helps.
Oh, and read this blog of mine about teen rumors.
In friendship,
Terra
She wrote right back:
Thank you so much Terra!!!! I’m really grateful! 🙂
Then so did I:
I’m glad to know that I’ve helped in some way. Enjoy the rest of your holiday weekend. And on Sunday night, re-read my email, especially the things you CAN do, so if the garbage rumors continue on Monday, you’ll know how to take care of yourself.
In friendship,
Terra
Ninety-nine percent of the time I get email about rumors, it’s from the person being victimized. But that’s just one side of the story, isn’t it? We all know that rumors go nowhere without many willing mouths (and fingers) to spread them. If you’ve spread a hurtful rumor, (whether you started it or not) and you now regret the pain you caused, that’s a good place to start thinking about rumors and all of this stuff. You can’t un-do what you did, but you’re not powerless. You can still make things better. Got some ideas how?
November 13, 2012
by Mackenzie Gavel
Mackenzie Gavel is an aspiring journalist and a senior at NYU, with a double major in Journalism and Psychology. Founder of Belittle the Bullies, Mackenzie is also a blogger for CITYist, the online component of City Magazine.
 Mackenzie Gavel, circa the Teen Years Teachers are supposed to be more than educators. They are supposed to be mentors. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. It is a sad day when an adult acts like an adolescent, and an even sadder one when an adolescent finds herself feeling lost and confused in the wake of an adult’s misguided actions.
I am a naturally thin girl. I’ve never had an eating disorder. But in eleventh grade one of my classmates started a rumor that I was anorexic. The lie eventually made its way to the ears of my math teacher, Ms. R. For those of you who read my blog, you know that I was an easy target in high school. To find myself at the face of an ugly rumor was not unusual. But I did not find out about this particular accusation until I sat, crying, and begging for my guidance counselor to believe the truth. The counselor told me that she never had any reason to believe the lies. That was reassuring, but what could I do about the rumor? It’s not easy to prove to people that you don’t have a psychological disorder.
After meeting with my counselor, I angrily confronted Ms. R. Why would she run straight to the counselor before first talking to me? With just a few questions, I would have told her that one of the other girls had been bullying me —forwarding and changing the wordings of my text messages to the boy I liked and spreading rumors like wildfire.
Ms. R never provided an explanation for her actions and in the weeks that followed she was colder toward me, less approachable. Perhaps she wanted to be the friend to the majority, rather than the advocate for the minority. In doing so she took my life and turned it into a nightmare.
To be the mentors young people need, teachers need to think about their actions. They need to have the proper training to handle difficult situations, and they need to remember that they are the guiding forces in students’ lives.
They need to be more like Mr. McTrunugh, another teacher of mine. One afternoon in his class, a student made a negative comment about my hair style. I did not give her the satisfaction of a reaction, but Mr. McTrunugh told the girl that if she said one more word, it would only prove that she, herself, was unhappy and insecure. Now that is a teacher who was unwilling to stay neutral, sit on the sidelines and watch the bullying play out!
Being a mentor sometimes requires you to stand up for kids. You also have to give them a reason to stand up for themselves with dignity and integrity. A teacher’s job is more than just following a lesson plan. It is to be an advocate, the supportive voice that kids so desperately need to hear.
If there is one lesson that I learned from these painful memories, it is that you never have to apologize to anyone for being who you are. Do not let anyone diminish your integrity. Ever.
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