Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

No constitutional right to be a jerk.

September 10, 2009

President Obama greets high school students (AP photo)

President Obama greets high school students (AP photo)

In last night’s speech before a joint session of Congress the President was clear about his goals for health care reform. He also delivered a clear message to Americans about the most effective way to deal with rude and disrespectful people.  When the President stated the fact that the health care reform bill does not afford coverage to people who are in the US illegally, Rep. Joe Wilson (SC) shouted “You lie!” making the Congressman the liar. But I digress.

The President could easily have responded  to unexpected rudeness as many of us have. He could have handily shot back a history-making zinger. But it was the President’s choice not to that was most note-worthy.

After the speech a friend on Twitter asked “Heckling the Prez? Sheesh! Explain that 2 kids! arg!” If you’re worrying about that, don’t. The real lesson wasn’t in the rudeness of Rep. Wilson (whose name will be remembered for none of the reasons his parents imagined when their son was elected to Congress). The real lesson for kids was delivered by President Obama, some of whose critics were so bent out of shape Tuesday when he visited a high school that at least one was seen carrying a sign saying “Keep the president away from our kids!” 

Kids, here’s the real lesson from last night’s “interaction”: When someone disrespects you, you can choose to retaliate or not. When some jerk calls you a liar, or worse, you can do what Barack Obama did last night… you can control yourself. The President’s display of self-respect as well as respect for the people in that room and for the office he holds sends just the right message.

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Podcast for Parents and Teens: My life sucks because I’m too fat!

July 13, 2009

"Over It"

"Over It: A Teen's Guide to Getting Beyond Obsessions with Food and Weight"

Several times a week I receive an email from a desperate 12-16 year old girl who’s having issues about her weight. No, let me rephrase that. Her issue isn’t with the number on the bathroom scale. The issue is how she feels about herself. Typically the girl who writes to me hates her body and the way she looks. Then the whole guilt by associate thing sets in and next thing you know… the girl hates herself!

Here are some recent examples:

I’m a junior in high school and let me just start by saying: being a junior sucks. It’s not just the year itself but me that seems to be the problem. Then there’s the whole body image thing. I know I should be happy with what I’ve got and blah blah blah but I still wish I could get out of the training bra section. It’s so awful having friends tell me that they wish they didn’t develop and I should be happy that I’m flat as a board at 16.

Or this one:

I know that I need to lose 10-15 pounds because I’m 5’3″ and weigh about 130. I think that is too high. All my family members say that I’m a little overweight and I am embarrassed every time they talk to me about it. Maybe I don’t need to lose that much but I still need to lose some.

Or this:

I’m very perplexed. I think I’m fat when everyone tells me I’m not. I’m bulimic but no one knows. How do I stop? Because every time I do try to stop I feel guilty and I become worse. I’m 12 years old and I weigh 75 pounds. I still think I’m fat.

Should we be surprised that these girls are so unhappy with themselves and so out of synch with reality? Considering that they’re growing up in a thin-obsessed culture, it would probably be way more surprising if they didn’tfeel this way! So what’s been going on with American girls and women since the early ‘60’s that causes this crippling dissatisfaction with our looks? What does the steady rise in eating disorders (which now includes boys and men) say about our society and our values? And how do we get over it already and help our daughters and sons do the same?

In this week’s podcast* I talk with Carol Normandi and Laurelee Roark co-authors of “Over It: A Teen’s Guide to Getting Beyond Obsessions with Food and Weight.” We talk about the effects of media and pop culture on the body image, healthy and well-being of our tweens and teens. And what parents can do to fight back.

Have a listen here:

[QUICKTIME http://www.anniefox.com/podcast/FC006.m4a 300 300 false true]

If you have iTunes, you can subscribe to this podcast in the iTunes Store.

Or, you can download an MP3 version here.

Upcoming guests include:

Robert Rummel-Hudson, author of Schuyler’s Monster: A Father’s Journey With His Wordless Daughter

Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster: A New Look At Why Stepmothers Think, Feel And Act The Way We Do

Ayelet Waldman, author of Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, And Occasional Moments of Grace

Izzy Rose, author of The Package Deal: My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom

Diane E. Levin, co-author (with Jean Kilbourne) of So Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood And What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Kids

Special thanks to our friend and musician/composer Curt Siffert who let us use his song, “Tie Down for the Storm” for the opening of this podcast.

*What’s a podcast? “A podcast is a series of digital media files, usually either digital audio or video, that is made available for download via web syndication.” — Wikipedia… So, in this case, there’s an audio file for you to listen to (in addition to reading the above).

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Hang in there

July 2, 2009

14 year old Bahia Bakari surrounded by doctors. (AP Photo/Sayyid Azim)

14 year old Bahia Bakari surrounded by doctors. (AP Photo/Sayyid Azim)

We all have good days, bad days and truly awful days. Sometimes the people we think we’re super close to turn against us and we’re left wondering who our real friends are. Sometimes much more serious stuff happens… like when parents split up, or a family member is injured, diagnosed with a life-threatening disease, or dies. At times like these it can feel like your whole world has turned upside down because it has!

So what do you do? Standard advice from well-meaning adults is: “Just hang in there. Things will get better.” And that’s true because nothing ever stays the same for long. But “hanging in there” when you don’t know what to hang on to can be a real challenge.

Next time you feel shaken up by what life hands you and could use some inspiration, you might want to think about Bahia Bakari, 14. The other day she was on a plane with her mom and 149 other passengers heading for a vacation on the island of Comoros off the east coast of Africa. Suddenly the plane fell into the ocean and busted apart on impact. It looks like Bahia is the only survivor. How’d she do it? By clinging for 13 hours to a piece of the wreckage until she was rescued. Alone in the ocean for all that time, much of it in the pitch dark, not knowing if anyone would actually come and help her. Talk about hanging in there! Way to go, Bahia! Get well soon, girl!

 

UPDATE: 11/2/11 I stumbled across this old blog and thought I’d find out what happened to Bahia. Good news! She’s doing very well. last year wrote a memoir  entitled Moi Bahia, la miraculée (“Me Bahia, the miracle girl”)

Filed under: Teens — Tags: , , , — Annie @ 10:21 am
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Days 12-16: Now I get it

June 24, 2009

V is for victory

V is for victory

OK, folks, I’m officially ending the Annoyance Challenge. Tell you the truth there were aspects of this assignment that really bugged me. I know, I brought it on myself. But still, it’s a pain to have to blog every day, not that I did it every single day, as evidenced in the title of today’s post. But even so, it was annoying not to blog every day knowing that I really should. All that left me battling against my own commitment which resulted in guilt for not keeping my word to thousands of readers.

Which brings me to another aspect of this project… I have no idea if anyone was following any of this. It’s one thing to knock yourself out daily, looking for annoying situations and people, just so you can deconstruct and write about your feelings for the self-improvement of all. But to do it for an empty house!

“Really,” I say to myself, “What’s the point of that?”

“The point, Annie,” I reply with as much patience and compassion as I can muster, “Is that you wanted (and needed) to learn more about your own response to annoyance.”

Annie: “Why did I need two weeks of lessons on that? I don’t even get annoyed all that often.”

Annie: “Yeah, right.”

Of course I was right and I finally admitted it, but not until I got rather annoyed with myself for being so…  well, you know.

Anyway, here’s what I learned from this challenge. (Cue the Big Take Away drum roll, please)

I feel annoyed with others when I’ve got some unexpressed emotion right below the surface. The hidden emotion is usually anger, hurt, or fear.  Funny thing… while the annoyance seems to be very directed at whomever is in my vicinity… the more authentic emotion that’s being covered up may have nothing to do with anyone else.

Case in point, the other day in the kitchen David was emptying the dishwasher and I was snapping in response to his random questions about what we should make for breakfast. Because he’s been on the Challenge with me (Did he really have a choice?) it didn’t take him long to point out my mood.

David: Hon, you seem annoyed. What’s going on?

In the past, I would have resented the insinuation and possibly swatted at him with a spatula. But in the past 16 days I’ve learned that when someone cares enough about you to point out the undeniable fact that you’re being a bitch, it makes good sense to pause, peek inside, and examine what’s what.

I took a deep breath, had a look and discovered that underneath the cheap plastic veneer of annoyance lay a rich layer of frustration and anger … not directed at David, but at myself. So I told him.

“I’m really frustrated that Chapter 5 (of the book I’m writing)… the one on annoyance,  is taking me so damn long to figure out. And I’m angry with myself for the amount of procrastinating I’ve done for the past 2 weeks… including the Annoyance Challenge… when I should have been working on the book!”

David looked at me and nodded sagely. He’s got that sage nod down to an art form. Then he handed me a bunch of clean silverware. “Here.” 

I grinned at him and started sorting spoons. A place for everything and everything in its place… again.

Filed under: Annoyance Challenge,Parenting,Teens,Tips,Yoga — Annie @ 9:51 am
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