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June 8, 2009
 Annoyance Sure it’s Monday, but I had a good weekend and plenty of sleep. The shower was hot. My hair isn’t any more sticky-uppy than usual. And after 30 minutes of yoga, and a couple of buttermilk pancakes I’m feeling pretty mellow. But since this is Day 1 of my Annoyance Challenge I’m going to have to get with the program… fast! Not a problem. Even though I like to think of myself as someone who doesn’t get annoyed all that often. (How annoying is that?) I can always recycle some not-yet-expired annoyance or concoct a fresh batch out of nothing. And maybe that’s the point. All of us have the capacity to build on a present time or cherished inconvenience (frustration, rudeness, snub, etc.) and buff it to a brilliant gloss until we’re totally pissed at the whole freakin’ world.
Annoyance is like hunger… except backwards. When I’m really hungry I snag some Trader Joe’s dark chocolate. (Don’t tell David. He thinks we have mice.) That takes the edge off. Hunger + food = less hunger. But even when I’m mildly irritated, I can instantly rev up my grumpiness tenfold by mentally, verbally and/or physically attacking the cause of my annoyance. That squirrel on the bird feeder. My split thumbnail. The client whose check is still not in my mailbox!? Annoyance + mental garbage = more annoyance.
I’m nothing special. We can all work this little miracle of insanity. The question is why would anyone choose to feel more annoyed when it’s sooo annoying? Not sure about that yet, but I’m on a 30 day quest to discover as much as I can about my love-hate relationship with annoyance. And in the process, I’m also hoping I can locate the fine tuning dial at Annoyance HQ. Then I’ll be The Decider when it comes to dialing it up or down.
It’s all about self-control and my personal mission to help teens get along better with their friends and families. The Annoyance Challenge is also about world peace. Seriously! Obama goes to Cairo and tells a zillion people that those “others” who have always annoyed the crap out of you may actually share some of your core values. So instead of jumping down their throats or slitting them, how about working together and maybe we can all get some of what we want… peace, security, respect, and justice for us and our families?
Sounds like a plan to me.
See you tomorrow. When I’ll begin taking an unbiased look at the stuff that usually drives me nuts. If you want to share your own annoyance triggers, that’s what the comment button’s for.
April 19, 2009
 Give it back, you little #@#$%! I’ve grew up with two older brothers. I’ve still got ’em (which is a good thing) though obviously we don’t live together any more. And while the three of us are good friends now, I’d be totally lying if I said that when we were kids we always treated each other with kindness and respect. Not even close! There was a lot of arguing and fighting amongst us. Sometimes it got really loud and physical. Being the youngest and the only girl (and a very emotional one at that) I often felt angry and frustrated because Brother #2, The Master Tease, could instantly make me cry at any time. I hated that he was so good at pushing my buttons!
Thankfully we outgrew whatever nuttiness caused us to treat each other that way. So if you’re having problems with an annoying, bossy, mean or insulting brother or sister there’s hope that in the future things between you will be better.
But what can you do now if you and your sibling don’t get along with? That’s pretty much the email question I got today from this teen:
Hey Terra,
My older sister is very mean to me and I wonder why. She has ignored me so many times or mumbled something about me under her breathe. Once she threatened to push me down the steps. And when I sit beside her, she slides farther away from me. I don’t know why she treats me like this. I don’t even do ANYTHING mean or wrong to her! I would admit it if I did because that’s just how mature I am. I mean, she can treat me like this for the rest of our lives because I don’t care. I’m not close to her anymore. What is her problem with me? Why does she treat me this way?
Fed Up with Her
Dear Fed Up,
Your sister is the only one who can answer your question “Why do you treat me this way?” Have you thought of asking her? I want to warn you about a couple of things before you have this conversation…
Choose the where and when of this conversation wisely…
If your sister is with a friend or in the middle of something that’s taking all her attention or if she’s in a bad mood, that would NOT be a great time to have this kind of talk with her. My advice here would be to find a time when the two of you have some privacy and things between you are relatively calm. So, be smart when you pick the time and place.
Choose your tone of voice and your attitude wisely. If you come into a conversation in attack mode: “Why do you ALWAYS act so mean to me?!” “How come you’re NEVER nice to me?!” that’s going to put her on the defensive. And you two will probably not have a good conversation. Instead, stay calm, be respectful, and be honest about your feelings. You might say something like this, “You know, I was just thinking about the good times we used to have together… when we were younger. We always got along and I really loved having you as my big sister. And then, it’s like something changed but I’m not sure what. Have you felt that too? “
Then CLOSE your mouth and LISTEN to what she has to say. Don’t interrupt her. Don’t correct anything she says. Just be there and listen.
You see, this isn’t just about “Why does she treat me this way?” That would only concern her behavior. The real question you want the answer to is: “How did the two of us let our close relationship get to this point?” Both of you contributed to the slippage. The good news is that when you get that every relationship is a 2-way street then you can see that both people have a contribution to make in keeping it healthy.
You took the first step by writing to me. That was really honest and brave. Now the next step is for you to talk with your sister in the calm, private and respectful way I’ve suggested. Good luck!
In friendship,
Terra
It’s not realistic to think that brothers and sisters are going to get along all the time. That’s just not going to happen! But more peace and less fighting is a reasonable goal. What have you tried so far to make the peace with your sibling(s)? If you haven’t tried anything what’s stopping you from trying? If you’ve made an effort, what has worked? What hasn’t worked? Post your comments here.
April 14, 2009
 Love is Blind One of my exes was Grade C boyfriend material, and for about two years I never noticed. Well, OK, yeah, I did. But I hung in there, manufacturing excuses for his hurtful and unacceptable behavior. Why’d I put up with all that deception and self-deception? I thought I loved him. And I’d heard that nobody’s perfect. You’ve gotta take the bad with the good. Blah. blah. Actually I was just being stupid. Then I realized I wanted and needed trust, honesty and respect in a relationship, and I was getting none of it where I was. Just waking up gave me the shove I needed to find the EXIT.
So here’s my take on the whole “Love is Blind” thing: Maybe, it is… a little. And maybe that’s not bad. But it’s just plain stupid to walk the rim of an active volcano with your eyes closed. From this week’s email:
Hey Terra,
My new gf started talking to her ex again. She freaked out on me asking me to just go away and stop talking to her. The next day she said sorry and that she should not have done that. A week ago she re-asked out her ex, and was rejected. Then last nite she asked me a lot of strange questions to which she should have already known the answers but she likes to re-confirm the answers over and over. Then she said her whole life is a lie, all she does is lie, and how she doesn’t deserve me in her life. Then I get a text that she is going to take her life in 35 days!
Since she lies I’m not sure how much is true. Along w/her drug and alcohol problems and her failing liver, she has been told she has multiple personalities, has been to a psych ward for trying to take her life multiple times. Plus stories about cutting, an abusive bf and a cheating bf, etc.
She runs away from her emotions. She has huge trust issues so I keep all my promises to her and tell the truth on everything. But I have run out of ways to help her. Should I go back with her or not?
Trying
Dear Trying,
You sound like a good guy who is also intelligent. I’m guessing you know the girl’s behavior is not normal. It sounds like she has emotional and psychological problems which lead her to make unhealthy choices over and over. You care about her, but you can’t give her the professional help she needs.
Because you have heard of her suicide plans, you have to let an adult know. Tell the counselor at your school. That way you’ll get a responsible adult involved and hopefully your friend will receive the help she needs before she hurts herself.
I’d suggest that you NOT get back with her until she gets help and starts making progress managing her life in healthy ways. To get deeply involved with her before that time would not be a smart choice for you.
In friendship,
Terra
March 16, 2009
 It can be a challenge not to feel jealous Here’s a recent email I got from a teen. Thought I’d share it since jealousy between friends comes up a lot.
Hey Terra,
My friend makes me really jealous. She has lots of friends who all adore her, a happy family and brains. Even though I am more successful than her at schoolwork I am not doing so good on the friend side. I try not to focus on her life but it seems to be exactly what I’m always doing. Everytime I feel like I’ve achieved something she seems to step in and tell me all about her great trip into town with this boy I like and how she hangs out with all these cool people and it makes me feel horrible. I really don’t want it to get to me because if I let something fester it makes me depressed. Please help!
Green with Envy
Dear Green,
I can understand why you might believe that your friend has a perfect life. She may not have the same challenges as you, but trust me, she’s got some. Otherwise no way would she be stepping on your achievements by bragging about all the cool things she does.
This comes down to your definition of a “real” friend. A real friend celebrates your wins. A real friend wants you to succeed. When your friend tries to shift the focus from you to her, she shows that she is a) insecure and/or b) jealous of you and/or c) completely clueless about her annoying habit of stealing the spotlight. Does that sound like someone who’s got it all together?
You say “I really don’t want it to get to me” so don’t let it. Jealousy isn’t a terminal illness. There is a cure!
It starts with examining some of your assumptions. Like this one: “I am not doing so good on the friend side.” In other words, “I assume that people don’t like me as much as they like her.” There are no hard facts here, just the decisions you make based on your assumptions and beliefs. To release the jealousy, you need to de-construct the assumption. Ready to try? Then answer these questions:
- Where did the assumption “People don’t like me as much as they like her” come from? You weren’t born believing this. When did you start and why?
- How does that assumption help you? For example, assuming that “People don’t like me…” might protect you from getting rejected. That could be helpful in a way. You’d stay “safe” because you wouldn’t put yourself out there socially. (“They don’t like me, so what’s the point?”)
- How might that assumption cause problems? “Since ‘People don’t like me’ I withdraw and they think I’m not friendly so I get left out of stuff.” Does that happen to you?
- What if that assumption were WRONG? If people really do like you, how would your behavior be different? Would you let go and be yourself more? Have more fun?
- Do you want to hold on to your assumption? You have the power to do that, you know. Don’t need anyone’s permission.
Green, it’s your life. If you decide to hold on to the assumption, then know that it’s your doing, not something that your friend is doing to you.
In friendship,
Terra
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