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May 21, 2014
Let’s figure out this friendship stuff together
This is part 2 of the very cool Skype in the Classroom session I had Monday with a class of Philadelphia 8th graders. (Here’s Part 1) I’m all about giving students ongoing, safe places to get real about the challenges of friendships. It’s important to their personal well-being and to a positive school climate.
Student: Annie, what if you have friends who act cool when they’re with you but other times, when they’re with other people, they act really different with you?
What have you tried so far?
Student: I ask them, “Why do you act different with your friends than when you’re with me?” And they said, “I don’t know what you mean!”
All of that “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” is B.S. What you’re describing is The Switcheroo. When it’s just you and your friend, things are cool. Then you add one or two other people and suddenly you’ve switched channels and I don’t even know this person who is supposed to be my best friend. I’m wondering, “Why are you treating me this way?!”
Props to you for asking him what was going on. That was very brave. Most people would feel bad about the way they were being treated in, but they aren’t likely to talk about it. You took the extra step and I have a lot of respect for you.
So you asked your friend about it and he said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” That wasn’t true. He knew exactly what you’re talking about. But he didn’t feel proud of the way he’s been treating you, so he wouldn’t admit it.
If that happens again, I suggest you find the EXIT. You may not have ever thought of this, but there is an exit for every friendship. And sometime you just have to give yourself permission to walk through it. You can leave without making a big announcement. You can just say, “I’ll catch you later.” And you leave and spend time on your own doing thing or you hang out with other friends who treat you with more respect, or you take your dog for a walk. Whatever it is, just leave. Because there is no reason to stay with people who are not treating you well. Zero reason. Don’t do that.
Exactly how long do you stay away from this friend or friends? That depends. You could take a short vacation and the next day your friend may ask why you left. Be honest. You can say, “When you’re with other people you don’t treat me very well, so I left.” That gives him something to think about. And maybe the next time he’s with you and other people, he’ll treat you better. Or he won’t.
Sometimes, though, you go through the exit and you never come back to the friendship. And that’s ok too. Sometimes you end a friendship because you’ve outgrown it or because you get a new idea about how you want to be treated. It’s all ok. Just don’t talk about the person after you’ve gone through the exit. That’s not cool. It’s just gossip. Not important.
Before we ran out of time I asked the students what they usually learned in this class with this teacher. And they told me they learned math and science. This wasn’t the answer I expected, so I asked the teacher why he wanted his students to get a Skype lesson on Real Friends vs the Other Kind.
Teacher: We meet once a week, on Monday mornings, and have open discussions where people talk about their lives and share. And friendship is an important topic for us to talk about.
You guys are very lucky to have a teacher who prioritizes this stuff. Someone who says, “This may not be math or science, but it’s important. And I want to give you a platform to talk about it.” That’s awesome. There are not enough teachers like this one. You’re very lucky.
April 2, 2014
I don’t like this idea
Ours is a boob-fixated culture. With so much sexualization of girls in the media you’d assume they’re all dying for their first bra and thong. At least once a week I get email from girls complaining about their “too small” breasts. They want to know if having sex will make them “rounder” or if some cream pitched online will make their breasts grow. But recently I heard from a mom whose daughter was actively resisting the whole “growing-up” thing.
Mom: My 12 year old daughter has started developing breasts and this wouldn’t be problem if she would just wear a shirt or something at our house. But she thinks it’s ok to walk around half naked. Me and my husband have told her she needs to wear something at home, but she’s not listening.
Annie: In 17 years of answering email from parents I’ve not heard this one yet. Just to clarify: Is your daughter just wearing a shirt (without a bra) or is she “walking around half naked?” Not the same thing. If you made a list of your objections to your daughter’s not wearing a bra or a shirt, what would they be? Communicate your objections to your daughter (calmly and respectfully and privately—without your husband being part of this “just between us girls” conversation). Good luck and please let me know how it goes.
Mom: Around the house she refuses to wear even a shirt. I talked with her about why she needs to wear something around the house. (She won’t wear a bra outside the house, but wears shirts.) She is so stubborn. She thinks it’s unfair that girls have to wear bras and shirts all the time and guys don’t. I really don’t want to make her wear something, but I don’t see another option.
Annie: While I admire the strong young feminist you’re raising, she needs to understand what is and what is not appropriate for a 12 year old girl (even at home). No shirt… not appropriate. Tell me, is there a counselor and/or a health/life skills teacher at your daughter’s school? It sounds like you need someone outside the family to talk with your daughter. A female counselor or teacher who has experience working with tweens around puberty and modesty issues would be helpful.
Mom: I will email the counselor today to see what she thinks needs to be done. One bad thing about having a strong young girl is that she will not listen to anyone or anything. That’s why I’m concerned about this. She does what she does no matter if it’s right or wrong.
Annie: Even strong girls needs to learn there are rules and consequences for breaking rules. That’s true for all of us. It’s part of living in a civil society. If, for example, she decided to take her shirt off at school, she’d be disciplined… so in that case she wouldn’t have total freedom to “do what she does.” Good luck with the counselor and please let me know how it goes.
Mom: The counselor thinks my daughter is resisting growing up. That she’s only doing this because she knows she’s maturing into a woman. I can understand that. She told me to make sure my daughter always has a bra on at least because it’s something she needs everyday when she’s older. I don’t think she’ll like me checking her everyday to see if she has a bra on.
Annie: I’m sure your daughter will not appreciate your checking on whether she’s wearing a bra. This doesn’t sound like a good solution as it’s going to become more of a battlefield between you, not less of one. I’d talk to her pediatrician on this one. You need another way to handle this.
Mom: The pediatrician? Never thought of calling her doctor about this.
Annie: Pediatricians can be really helpful in talking to young patients about puberty and their thoughts and feelings about “growing up.”
Mom: Guess she’s just a very unique child then. Pediatrician it is.
Annie: Good luck!
What challenges have you had with your children around growing up and the changes brought on by puberty?
October 9, 2013
I just came off a radio interview on the topic of teen dating violence. (Excellent timing for my Kindness and Respect Challenge. )One of the other guest experts, Associate Professor Emily Rothman of Boston University School of Public Health, said that 10% of teens report having experienced physical violence in a dating relationship. (Hitting, slapping, kicking, sexual coersion, etc.) Apparently that number has been fairly constant over the past 15-20 years. What has been increasing is emotional/psychological abuse in dating relationships. That ranges from name-calling, insults and threats, to dictating what a partner can wear and who s/he can talk to. 25-30% of teens report having experienced emotional/psychological dating abuse. Any controlling behavior (typically on the part of males toward females) is disrespectful. It also frequently leads to physical violence. Because many girls value their close relationships so much it can be hard for them to stand up for themselves and set boundaries.
In this recent email a girl describes to me the disrespectful treatment she gets in a friendship. Substitute the word “boyfriend” for “best friend” and you’ll see we’re talking about a common challenge for teen girls: “How do I get the respect I deserve from the people I care about?”
Hey Terra,
I have a best friend and she’s keeping me in jail. (Well, that’s what I think.) It’s like she won’t let me be friends with anyone or else she’ll be jealous. If she’s jealous, she’ll seek for revenge and I will be miserable and not able to concentrate on my studies. I’ve always wanted to tell her that I don’t wanna be her best friend anymore but I don’t have the confidence to say that. My heart says it’s the best thing to do. Do you think it’s the right decision?
Don’t Wanna Be a Doormat
Dear Don’t Wanna Be,
I agree with your heart. From what you describe, this “best friend” of yours isn’t acting like a friend at all. In your own words she:
• gets jealous if you are friends with anyone
• seeks for revenge
What kind of “friend” is that!?
Do I have to tell you your next best move? Nah. You already know what you need to do. This friendship is not a healthy one. It lacks the key ingredient: mutual respect. This is bullying prevention month. And what’s going on in this friendship is a form of bullying.
You need to end this. I know that is a scary thought. So take some slow deep breaths, right here, right now, and calm yourself. Get your confidence up and say to yourself, “I deserve friends who treat me with respect.” Think it and say it over and over until you can say it with confidence and know that it’s true.
Get to that point and you should be able to say something like this to your friend, “When you try to control who I am friends with by getting jealous and angry at me, I feel like I am in jail. Friends shouldn’t treat each other that way. It’s disrespectful. I’ve been feeling like this for a while but I haven’t told you. Even though I was scared I should have told you. Friends should be able to talk to each other about the hard stuff. I apologize. We don’t seem bring out the best in each other. That is why I am taking a break from this friendship.”
I hope this helps.
In friendship,
Terra
——–
Tune in tomorrow (Day 10) for an update from Don’t Wanna Be a Doormat
*(Excerpted from my upcoming The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship)
UPDATE October 3, 2014: The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA is now available in print and on Kindle (the ebook can be read on any device, your mobile phone, tablet, or computer with the free Kindle reader app). Visit GirlsQandA.com for an excerpt, reviews, and to order your copy.
September 26, 2013
Got an email from Concerned Mom whose smart, funny daughter has no trouble making friends, but lots of trouble keeping them. The pattern is this: Daughter gets close to other girls and feels accepted by them. Then, within weeks new found friends exclude and then ignore the girl. Naturally, she feels upset and alone, which, of course breaks Mom’s heart. She turned to me for advice and here’s what I told her:
I understand that it breaks your heart to see your daughter so unhappy. Of course you want her to make real friends who treat her with affection, kindness and respect. But it feels like something is missing in your email.
Each time your daughter is disappointed by a new friend you’ve listened to her side of the story, sympathized and offered comfort and support. All good! But there are at least two sides to every relationship story. That’s why I am curious about what’s going on from the other girls’ perspectives. Maybe you’re also wondering why each of these new friends turn against your daughter after such a short time? It’s a mystery worth exploring.
What might your daughter be doing (knowingly or unknowingly) to contribute to this reaction she often gets? How about if you ask her: “Why do you think ____ stopped wanting to be your friend?”
This question may bring up a lot of emotion, so please ask it in a neutral tone of voice. You’re not accusing your daughter of anything! You’re simply inviting her to put aside her sadness and think about what may be going on here. Right now, she’s hurt and confused and probably feeling powerless. She can regain some of her power by understanding how she functions in friendships because she plays a significant role in every one of them, whether she’s aware of it yet or not. To encourage her to think about that role you need to ask thoughtful, open-ended questions that have no “right” or “wrong” answers. Questions like “Why do you think this girl stopped being your friend?”
Listen to your daughter with an open heart and mind. Try not to interrupt. Initially, she may not say much. She might just shrug and say, “I don’t know.” In which case you might nod understandingly and say, “It’s hard to know why other people do what they do. But we usually have a reason. Your friends have been rude to you. If you could just guess why, what would you guess?”
Your daughter may have fallen into the habit of thinking of herself as a powerless victim to whom other people do unkind things. That’s not a good mental place for her to be. We want our girls to understand emotions (their own and other people’s). We also want them to feel confident in their ability to make and keep real friends. That includes learning to rebound from set-backs and to negotiate the ups and downs of relationships.
I hope this helps.
In friendship,
Annie
*Illustration by Erica De Chavez, from my upcoming The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship
UPDATE October 3, 2014: The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA is now available in print and on Kindle (the ebook can be read on any device, your mobile phone, tablet, or computer with the free Kindle reader app). Visit GirlsQandA.com for an excerpt, reviews, and to order your copy.
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