You don’t need anyone’s permission to be yourself.

One of the most challenging parts of being a teen is how judgmental people at school and online can be. The other difficult piece is how hard you can be on yourself. 🙁 Maybe you’ve gotten into the habit of trashing your own looks – complexion, height, hair, weight, body. Or maybe you are like this girl who wishes she could stop worrying what other people think, “let loose” and just be herself.

Teen: My friend is super cool and I admire her so much. She will randomly High 5 people and make conversations with anyone. She dances and just doesn’t care what people think about her. I’m super conservative and feel like I can never let loose. I hate it because I see how much more attractive it is when girls are so care free. What’s wrong with me that I feel so uptight all the time? I don’t really care what people think when I think about it but I don’t know why I try to act I guess so “mature” all the time. It isn’t fun and I don’t know what  to do. How do I stop caring what people think and just let loose?

Annie: Your friend does sound super cool! The kind of person who makes others feel more at ease just by being near her. I totally understand why you admire her and want to have some of the freedom she has.

Some of her “I don’t care what people think about me” attitude may come from how she’s been raised by her parents. They may be the kind of people who live their own lives with confidence and a sense of “this is who I am.” As a result, they may have always encouraged their daughter to “do her own thing” and “not worry so much about what others think.”

So how do you do it? Before I give you some advice, let me ask you a question: If you were brave enough to “let loose” and do ONE THING what’s the worst thing that might happen?

Teen: I guess I’d be afraid of being judged and looking immature. I like when adults can respect me and talk to me like I am one. I just do not know how to do it. It is quite frustrating because I am weird and crazy when I want to be, but in public I get all tense.

Annie: Your fear of “being judged” is not irrational, judging from how judgmental teens can be. (Sad but true). But if you feeling “boxed in” by this fear to the point where you can’t be your wonderful “weird and crazy” self… then you are giving others too much power over your life. You can take back power, you know.

As for liking the way you are respected by adults who treat you with respect and admire your maturity, that’s understandable, but it doesn’t have to be an Either/Or choice. A truly authentic, confident person knows how to “switch gears” and choose appropriate behavior depending on where she is. For example, I’m guessing that your friend knows how and when to pull back on her free spirited behavior. She acts differently in class than she does when she’s with a bunch of friends, right?

Judge the situation for what is appropriate. And when you feel like letting loose, don’t hold yourself back. As for people “judging you” (negatively)… Well, you don’t judge your friend negatively when she lets loose. Just the opposite! You think she’s cool because she doesn’t care what other people think. So maybe if you give yourself permission to be a little bit freer and more spontaneous people would admire you and think you’re cool too! You’ll probably admire yourself more, too.

Teen: Yes I see what you mean, I just don’t know how to give it a try. Do I just fake it till I make it?

Annie: Ha! Fake it til you make it is one approach. It can work, too! It also may help for you to start paying attention to your “fear of judgment” as it comes up. That’s what’s holding you back from really being yourself. Don’t let it. The next time you feel like letting loose notice the fear that comes up, notice the thoughts that come with it. Maybe you’re thinking, “I’d better not do that. People will laugh or roll their eyes.” Notice the thoughts. Then take some SLOW DEEP BREATHS. That will calm your heart and quiet your mind. Then go for it. (Assuming that the kind of “letting loose” you’re thinking about is not going to HURT anyone else. Mean jokes, etc. are never cool.

Teen: Yes. I get it. Thank you so much!

Annie: You’re welcome. So what are you going to do differently tomorrow?

Teen: When I am in public or with other friends and they are being goofy I am going to take a deep breath and join them.

Annie: AWESOME! Good luck and please let me know how it goes.

She’s on her way. If you want to try this, please let me know how it goes. (HINT: This can work to make teens and adults braver and more comfortable and confident being themselves.)