Teen Relationships | Annie Fox's Blog

For Teens: Love may be blind but it shouldn’t make you stupid

April 14, 2009

Love is Blind

One of my exes was Grade C boyfriend material, and for about two years I never noticed. Well, OK, yeah, I did. But I hung in there, manufacturing excuses for his hurtful and unacceptable behavior. Why’d I put up with all that deception and self-deception? I thought I loved him. And I’d heard that nobody’s perfect. You’ve gotta take the bad with the good. Blah. blah. Actually I was just being stupid. Then I realized I wanted and needed trust, honesty and respect in a relationship, and I was getting none of it where I was. Just waking up gave me the shove I needed to find the EXIT.

So here’s my take on the whole “Love is Blind” thing: Maybe, it is… a little. And maybe that’s not bad. But it’s just plain stupid to walk the rim of an active volcano with your eyes closed. From this week’s email:

Hey Terra,

My new gf started talking to her ex again. She freaked out on me asking me to just go away and stop talking to her. The next day she said sorry and that she should not have done that. A week ago she re-asked out her ex, and was rejected. Then last nite she asked me a lot of strange questions to which she should have already known the answers but she likes to re-confirm the answers over and over. Then she said her whole life is a lie, all she does is lie, and how she doesn’t deserve me in her life. Then I get a text that she is going to take her life in 35 days!

Since she lies I’m not sure how much is true. Along w/her drug and alcohol problems and her failing liver, she has been told she has multiple personalities, has been to a psych ward for trying to take her life multiple times. Plus stories about cutting, an abusive bf and a cheating bf, etc.

She runs away from her emotions. She has huge trust issues so I keep all my promises to her and tell the truth on everything. But I have run out of ways to help her. Should I go back with her or not?

Trying

Dear Trying,

You sound like a good guy who is also intelligent. I’m guessing you know the girl’s behavior is not normal. It sounds like she has emotional and psychological problems which lead her to make unhealthy choices over and over. You care about her, but you can’t give her the professional help she needs.

Because you have heard of her suicide plans, you have to let an adult know. Tell the counselor at your school. That way you’ll get a responsible adult involved and hopefully your friend will receive the help she needs before she hurts herself.

I’d suggest that you NOT get back with her until she gets help and starts making progress managing her life in healthy ways. To get deeply involved with her before that time would not be a smart choice for you.

In friendship,

Terra

Filed under: Teens — Tags: Love is Blind, Relationships, Teen Relationships — Annie @ 3:43 pm

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The Teen Relationship Bill of Rights

March 6, 2009

You have the right to have fun

As the parent of a young teen you may believe that your son or daughter is years away from a “relationship.” You might also believe that acai juice has the power to reverse global warming and fix the economy. Face it, most middle schoolers are totally focused on the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Zone. What do you think all that IMing and texting is about?! I’m not suggesting that they’re ready to create and maintain healthy romantic relationships. Geez no! Many of them are still sorely challenged in the friendship department. Most tweens and teens are naturally curious about sex and relationships (two very different endeavors which our culture has regrettably collapsed into one). And they’re under tremendous social pressure to couple up. There’s pressure from peers, from the media and well, yes, even from some parents who not so secretly get off on the reflected glory of their 7th grader’s popularity with the opposite sex. So they’re going to experiment with relationships – that’s a good thing and it’s how they learn. But there’s no reason they need to stumble through the Bf/Gf Zone totally clueless. We should provide them with some ground rules (and I’m not necessarily talking about purity pledges).

To help you and your son/daughter have these conversations (yes, there needs to be more than one) I’ve created a Relationship Bill of Rights. Please don’t mothball this just because your kid isn’t “dating” yet. These rights apply not only to the Bf/Gf Zone, but to friendships too. Kids need to be able to stand up for themselves in all relationships. Parents need to model that assertiveness in their own lives as well.

The Relationship Bill of Rights

It’s your right to have feelings for anyone you choose. Your friends may have opinions worth listening to, but who you’re friends with or who you love is your choice.
You have the right to express your feelings or to keep them to yourself. Just because you have feelings for someone doesn’t mean you have to tell anyone or do anything about it.
You have the right to feel safe. It’s important to feel physically and emotionally safe at all times when you’re with another person. If you don’t, speak up and/or get out of the situation ASAP.
You have the right to be treated with respect. You deserve the chance to express your thoughts and feelings without fear. You have the right to be listened to by the other person. And what you have to say should be respected.
You have the right to your own time (without being guilt-tripped). You can spend all the time you like away from the other person—whether that’s to hang out with other friends, be with family, or do something on your own.
You have the right to say no. It’s your body and no one should pressure you when it comes to getting physical. It’s also your right to say no to alcohol or drugs. If the other person ignores your “no” then they’re disrespecting you. (See #4)
You have the right to open, honest communication, If something’s going on in the relationship, you and the other person need to talk about it.
You have the right to end a relationship. It doesn’t matter what your reasons are. If you want out, get out. You don’t have to justify or explain how you feel to anyone.