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August 1, 2013
With all the Back to School sales, where do you get new friends? I recently got this email from a teen who’s dealing with family stuff and major friendship challenges.
Hey Terra,
My grandpa died recently. I loved him so much. Now I feel like I have no one to turn to because my friends don’t seem to care. At first they helped me cope with my grandpa’s death but now they hardly speak to me. My mind’s all over the place. I’ve never felt this vulnerable or lonely. And school starts next week! How can I try and make new friends?
All Alone
 Lean on me Dear All Alone,
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandfather. This is a sad time for your family. Hold each other close and help each other through the heartache.
As for your friends, they care about you. But maybe they’re afraid they’ll say the “wrong thing” and upset you, so they believe it’s safer not to talk to you at all. (Fear doesn’t usually make us smarter or kinder.) When it comes to a major life changes like death, divorce, illness, injury, kids and adults often a) pretend nothing happened and/or b) avoid the person who really needs support. I understand what you’re going through. My dad died when I was 15 and my friends were as awkward and unhelpful as yours. You want and deserve more support. But where can you get it? Your parents? Siblings? Cousins? Yes! You’ve all lost Grandpa and you all have shared memories of him. Talk to family members about how “vulnerable,” “lonely” and sad you’ve been feeling.
You can also make new friends. The start of school is a great time for mixing things up and reaching out to new people. Think about what you’re looking for in a friend. For example, what’s important to you when it comes to friendship? Make a couple of real lists on the computer or better yet, on paper. On one, describe the personality traits you most admire in a real friend. On the other, describe the kind of friend you are. In other words, what are your best “friendship” traits? When you’re done with both lists start “shopping.” Keep your mind and heart open, be friendly, and you will find new friends.
Good luck and have a great school year.
In friendship,
Terra (aka Annie)
July 17, 2013
 I'm not allowed to go anywhere or do anything I have a new puppy and a new appreciation for the importance of unstructured play. And of summer. Kids need a summer escape from homework, tests, and The Schedule. They need fun with friends and time spreading their wings. They need time to practice good judgement. And we need time learning to relax and let them.
I recently heard from a teen who wants to play, but he’s having trouble earning a recess pass:
Teen: I’m 14 and my parents don’t let me do anything. I only get to relax with my friends like once every 5 months. I asked to go to a theme park with my friends and my parents started freaking out and said no. They hold it against me for when I went to there last summer.
Annie: Parents don’t freak out for no reason. What happened the last time?
Teen: Nothing. I was completely safe. I didn’t do anything bad and neither did my friends. Besides my mom was there with us too. She just didn’t walk around with us.
Annie: Hmm. Sounds like you don’t know why your parents don’t want you to go to the theme park. You should ask them.
Teen: I always ask my parents nicely and very respectfully when I just want a day to relax with my friends. Even though my friends are good, my parents say no. All I ever get is school, swim practice, and go home and study. I’ve been doing that since I was 4 or 5. I talk to my parents about me growing up and I need to get out to experience life and they won’t listen to me. They say that other parents are the same, but when I ask other kids of overprotective parents, they are treated completely different.
I’m overall a good kid. They know I can make the right choices. I do my chores, do great in sports, have straight A’s, but my parents don’t give me anything in return. I guess they still don’t trust me. I’m getting very sick of being locked up in the house all day when school isn’t in session. I only ask once in awhile if I can be with my friends, but they always say no and never give me a reason why. If they told me why, maybe I would understand their thinking. Please help.
Annie: Maybe your parents are very afraid of your being out on your own. But it’s impossible to know what they’re thinking if they don’t tell you. When parents don’t help kids understand their perspective, it’s frustrating because it doesn’t give you anything to hope for or to work with. So how can you change their minds or the situation? You can’t. That’s unfair, but it is what it is.
For now, your parents make the rules. You want to earn the right to make more of your own decisions, so try negotiating with them. Say, “I want to go to ____’s house this afternoon from 1pm-3pm. We will be walking from here to there. I will call you as soon as I get there. I will call you when I leave to come home. May I please go?” If they say no, ask if you can go for one hour. Hopefully they will allow you more independence, a little at a time. If not, try to accept it and continue making good choices (you won’t be 14 forever.) If your parents give permission, make sure you follow the rules. Call when you say you will. Be home a few minutes early. In that way, they will learn to trust you and your ability to make healthy choices even when they aren’t around. That’s all parents really want, the peace of mind knowing that their kids know how to keep themselves safe. I hope this helps.
Teen: Yes. Thank you. 🙂
June 21, 2013
 Why? Cause I like it. Last time we were talking about kids’ transitions and graduating toward independence, something we parents should celebrate. But here’s a mom who wishes her daughter weren’t quite so independent. Can you relate?
Dear Annie,
Most parents don’t want their kids going along with the crowd, but I wish my daughter would! She dresses like a boy, only wearing boys’ shorts and shirts. It is beyond being a tomboy. She won’t ever put her hair up like the rest of the girls, even though the coach tells her to. Why is she doing this? Does she want to stand out? Or is she fighting the establishment? I want her to be herself, but she’s way overboard and has no friends because she is so different. I’ve told her all of this, but she won’t listen. Should I just let her learn the hard way?
Frustrated Mom
Dear Mom,
I’m sure you love your daughter and your advice is well-meaning, but I’m not sure how can anyone go “overboard” in being themselves. That’s like telling her, “Hold on! You are too much of who you are.”
You say want your daughter to, “be herself,” but do you really? Dressing this way is her way of being herself! While her fashion sense might make you uncomfortable at times, you need to deal with it on your own and try to keep your comments to yourself. Otherwise, your daughter will feel the sting of your disapproval every day. That’s damaging to her. Please remember that you are her most influential teacher. Giving her positive reinforcement will go a long way in helping her build self-esteem and resilience.
As to “why” she chooses to dress this way, there could be a number of reasons, but don’t assume she is looking for attention or purposely “fighting” anyone. Your daughter is her own wonderful, unique self. It’s not the child’s job to fulfill the parent’s expectations of who she is “supposed” to be. She doesn’t need fixing. She needs your unconditional love and support during her transition into young adulthood and throughout her journey, wherever it may lead. Please try to understand her better. You and she will both benefit tremendously from that.
May 28, 2013
 Reliable+Strong+Gentle=Dad
Any dude can father a child but it takes a real man to be a dad. Dads are all in, heart and mind, for the long haul, encouraging their kids to become self-reliant young adults. Dads also teach by example that everyone (including children) deserves respect. When we see people treated unfairly it’s not enough to feel uncomfortable. Dads help their sons and daughters develop the social courage it takes to make things better.
OK. Enough of the high-level stuff. Let’s talk in-the-trenches, day-to-day. How does Dad do his best for his kids, especially when they are teens? Check out these tips. Make them part of your daily routine and you’re on your way:
- Be a safe person to talk to. When your child wants to discuss tongue piercing, a solo cross-country trip, or dropping out of school to pursue hip-hop, stay calm. Take a deep breath. Take ten of them. Fyi, no one’s asking you to approve of every one of your kid’s crazy ideas. But kids need you to listen with respect. And if they ask for advice (don’t give it if they don’t ask), be a consultant and offer your wisest counsel. But do not freak out. Otherwise, they won’t seek your input; they’ll just go behind your back and do whatever they damn please. Which they may do anyway, but at least your voice will be in their head and yes, that can be a powerful antidote to stupidity.
- Catch them in the act of doing something right. Some fathers believe you teach responsibility by berating kids when they mess up. That’s actually backwards and Dad knows it. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. No quibble there. But your kid is more likely to do the right thing consistently when you notice. You don’t need to throw a pizza party or give out gold stickers. Just say something simple like: “It was nice of you to help your brother with his homework.” End of celebration. Simply praise the behavior you want to see more of. It works with kids. Spouses, too.
- Show your squishy side. There are plenty of fathers who act all mucho macho. But Dad isn’t afraid to express “softer” emotions in front of his kids. He’s also equally at ease when his girls and his boys are upset. When you show your family it’s more than OK to cry, to be afraid, to be compassionate, you teach your sons what it means to be a real (hu)man. And you raise the bar for the kind of partner your daughter will want.
Dads, your love, support and encouragement are essential to your children’s health and well being, so keep up the good work. And Happy Dad’s Day. Enjoy the attention. You deserve it.
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