Teens | Annie Fox's Blog

The case of the malfunctioning bikini

June 22, 2011

Summer is the time for letting loose. But when things get too loose, well… you might find yourself in an embarrassing situation. Like the girl who wrote to me the other day:

OMG!!

Hey Terra,

Me and my friends were at the pool and I was taking off the shorts I was wearing over my bikini. The side ties must have untied because my bikini started to slip off with my shorts! People say they saw part of my butt and my front part. I AM SOOO ASHAMED & EMBARRASSED. HELP!

Seriously Upset

Dear Seriously Upset,

That was an embarrassing moment… for sure. I understand. What happened isn’t something you chose and it’s certainly not something you expected. Call it a “wardrobe malfunction”… it happens to everyone at times. And that time it happened to you. I’ve got no Time Machine so I can’t help you un-do this, but you’ve got choices moving forward (the only direction the road goes in Life). You can:

a) Spend the rest of the summer hiding out in your room or only go out with a well-ventilated paper bag over your head.

b) Sew or staple the bikini ties so they can’t come undone. If the top has ties too, Super Glue them together.

c) Wear a one piece bathing suit (do they still sell those?) Or a two piece that doesn’t have ties.

d) Go out tomorrow with your friends and get seriously upset with anybody who talks about what happened. Yell at them and make a huge scene. Not that you want to embarrass yourself again but…it’ll give them something to talk about!

e) Hold your head up high because you didn’t actually DO anything to be ashamed of. When/if someone brings up the bikini incident (and someone might) just pretend you’re an Academy Award winning actor who’s in total control of her performance. LAUGH WITH THEM and in between giggles and a series of cute hair flips say, “OMG! That was totally embarrassing!!” In other words… take charge because, Sweetie, no one can make you feel humiliated without your permission.

It’s your life. Your choice. Which one do you pick?

In friendship,
Terra

UPDATE: Seriously Upset wrote back today and told me she chose “e”. She went on to say “I just smile and laugh and get over it because it was a few days ago and now it’s old news.”

Smart girl!

Filed under: Teens — Tags: bikini, Embarrassment, Emotional Intelligence, summer, Teens, Tweens — Annie @ 12:25 pm

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App Friday: Be Confident sale – $.99 May 6th only

May 6, 2011

"Be Confident" on sale for $.99 (May 6, 2011 only)

Fridays are inherently cool. App Fridays are especially welcome because that’s when Moms With Apps* features their weekly link exchange of family-friendly apps. And guess who’s featured today? That would be me and David (aka Electric Eggplant). Which is why, for today, Friday, May 6th 2011, our Middle School Confidential app (aka Be Confident) is on sale for 99 cents. Got a 4th-8th grader? Got access to an iPad. For $.99 you can give that kid you love something (s)he wants more than anything… the gift of confidence to be who they really are.

MWA: seeking to promote quality apps for kids and families

*Never heard of Moms With Apps!? Let me tell you, for newbie app developers like me and David, this wonderfully supportive consortium that’s committed to quality kid and family content, has been the difference between stumbling and bumbling on all-fours vs. having a lighted path to walk on. We’re grateful for their friendship and ongoing support, so here’s a plug for them. They’ve launched their own app the Moms With Apps App Catalogue (of apps, of course!) Check ’em out.

Update (May 7th, 2011): Our app has now returned to its normal price of $3.99. Download our Be Confident iPad app.

Filed under: Announcements,Apps,Parenting,Technology — Tags: App Friday, Be Confident, Be Confident In Who You Are, character education, electric eggplant, Graphic novel, Middle School Confidential, Moms with apps, momswithapps, SEL, social and emotional learning, Teens, Tweens — Annie @ 10:55 am

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My (very bad) bad

March 20, 2011

My batting average for giving helpful advice is above .500. Like anything else, if you keep practicing you get better and I’ve been at my Hey Terra! online teen advisor gig for 14 years now, so I know I’m improving. But I don’t always hit it out of the park. I really messed up the other day and I’m going public because I want you parents to know that even if you f-up, you can give it another shot and try to redeem yourself.

So I got this email from a girl who described how she was masturbating a guy during class. I know, I know… it made me crazy too, which is exactly why I messed up! But I’m getting ahead of myself. She wrote to me because she was afraid if she discontinued service the boy would “get mad.” Her question: What do I do?

I wrote back:
Can I ask you a few questions so I can understand this situation better?
Why did you think this was a good idea in the first place? (Just curious)
Now it seems like you don’t think this is a good idea. What made you change your mind?
One more question: Why is it so important that this guy continue to think that you are a girl who will do whatever he wants?

On the surface my response sounds reasonable, right? But just below the pixels on the screen I was SCREAMING with justifiably righteous feminist indignation! And the girl picked it up immediately and wrote back how she regretted writing to me. Didn’t appreciate how I mocked her and busted me for being “unsupportive.”

OW! That hit hard. I felt crappy. I mean, I’ve been doing this all these years because I want to help teens sort out their feelings when they’re confused. I want to help them make choices that reflect who they really are, not who someone else pressures them to be. I pride myself in offering non-judgmental support. But I eviscerated my own policy and totally judged that girl. She felt attacked because I attacked her!

I wrote back immediately:
Please forgive me for judging you. I was wrong and I apologize. I was trying to help you but I didn’t express myself very well. I’d like to try again.

I’m glad you wrote to me and I respect you for it. I think it’s important for you to get some help understanding why you got into this situation to begin with. Until you understand why you chose to do this then you are very likely to get into these uncomfortable situations again. I’m sure you don’t want that.

As for getting out of it now, you can do that! Here’s how: Either you either tell the guy, “I’m not doing that anymore” and if he gets mad, so be it. OR you can simply make it clear by the way you sit (with your hands away from him) that you’re no longer going to do it. If he asks you what’s going on you can simply say, “Not doing that anymore.” End of conversation.

In any situation you find yourself you always have options. I hope what I’ve written gives you something to think about. Your email has given me lots to think about and I want to thank for that.

In friendship,
Annie

UPDATE: The girl wrote back to me two days after my second email to her and she thanked me for my help and wanted to let me know that her “problem” was resolved. So I guess it worked out well. Truthfully, I was grateful for what I learned from the interaction.

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: Hey Terra, online advise for teens, Sexual activity, Teens — Annie @ 2:58 pm

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What do moms & daughters want from each other anyway?

February 17, 2011

iStock_000000759435Small Indian girl kissing mom

Love comes from understanding

I recently led a very special Mom/Daughter workshop. Sixty moms showed up each with a middle or high school daughter in tow. My goal for our 90 minutes together was two-fold:

1) Offer pragmatic calming down strategies which I knew would come in handy next time Mom & Daughter find themselves in one of those “I can’t believe we’re fighting about this again!!!” fights.

2) Provide Moms & Daughters with opportunities to understand and appreciate the unique challenges facing the other generation.

I introduced the Calming Strategies: I’m going to teach you how to do re-centering breathing. So next time you feel off-balance (and believe me there’s always a next time), you can get yourself back to the place where you do your best thinking. Give me a couple of minutes of your time and you’ll have a tool you can use whenever you’re about to ‘lose it.’ It’s very easy to breathe. The real challenge is to remember to breathe when you need to. And that would be any time you and your daughter or you and your mom get locked in a DESTRUCTIVE WASTE OF TIME yelling match – which covers pretty much all yelling matches.

Here’s how to breathe. Go for it!

As for the Opportunities to Understand one another, those came in the form of 20 posted questions lining both sides of the room. These first six were for Moms and Daughters:

1. I’m very proud of my daughter/my mom when______

Most common Mom answers: Shows backbone. Achieves a goal she’s worked for. Helps others.

Most common Daughter answers: Wears cute clothes. Does what she loves. Trusts me & relaxes.

2. I wish my daughter/my mom would _______ more.

Most common Mom answers: Help (do chores) without being asked. Open up and talk to me.

Most common Daughter answers: Trust me. Understand me. Listen to me.

3. I’d like to apologize to my daughter/my mom for______

Most common Mom answers: Yelling & losing patience. Being critical. Not listening.

Most common Daughter answers: Being rude/disrespectful/bitchy. Taking things out on her.

4. Sometimes I’m embarrassed when my daughter/my mom ______

Most common Mom answers: Is rude to me in front of others. Dresses like she does. Gets upset over nothing.

Most common Daughter answers: Dances/sings/laughs/talks too much. Gets too ‘involved’ w/my problems. Tries to act cool around my friends.

5. I feel especially close to my daughter/my mom when______

Most common Mom answers: She confides in me. We hang out together.

Most common Daughter answers: We do stuff together (shop, watch movies, etc.), We talk, We hang out.

6. Most of our conflicts are about______

Most common Mom answers: Chores/helping out. Homework/time management. Siblings.

Most common Daughter answers: Attitude. Grades. Clothes. Social stuff (Curfew, Parties, Texting)

Then there were four Moms Only questions:

7. I could do a better job as a mom if I______

Most common Mom answers: Calmed down. Slowed down. Just relaxed. Had more patience. Had fewer tasks to do.

8. The best advice I could give my daughter is______

Most common Mom answers: Respect yourself. Trust yourself. Do what makes you happy.

9. The hardest part about being a mom is _____

Most common Mom answers: Being patient. Feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing.

10. Sometimes I _____ (Same thing I hated as a kid!) I’m trying to change this behavior.

Most common Mom answers: Get mad about the messy room. Say things I should know are embarrassing to my daughter. Want my daughter to be someone different (from who she is)

And here are the four Daughters Only questions:

7. I would be easier to live with if I______

Most common Daughter answers: Wasn’t so emotional/stressed/bitchy. Listen more. Argued Less. Cleaned up after myself.

8. When something is bothering me I’d like my mom to______

Most common Daughters answers: Leave me alone. Be nice.

9. When we argue I sometime_____ (even if I know it’ll increase tension). I’m trying to change that behavior.

Most common Daughter answers: Yell. Say mean things.

10. If I’m ever a mom, I swear I will_______

Most common Daughter answers: Have an open relationship with her. Be cool if my child wants to go out. Listen.

______________

As you read the questions and mentally answer them you’ll probably wonder how your daughter would respond. Maybe you could use them as a way to let each other in on how each of you feels about your relationship. I invite you to take these questions and your answers as tool for identifying what works in your relationship with your daughter. Celebrate those positive things and continue making time for them. On the flip side, use what you both learn here and work with your daughter to change the aspects of your relationship that could use improvement.

Oh, and one more thing… don’t forget to breathe.

Filed under: Parenting,Teens,Tips — Tags: communication workshops, Mom-daughter relationships, raising daughters, Teens, Tweens — Annie @ 5:20 pm

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