December, 2009 | Annie Fox's Blog

Podcast: Queen Bees Go Hi-Tech

December 7, 2009

"Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World" by Rosalind Wiseman

Along with the many changes teens experience on the road to adulthood, shifting friendships are some of the most dramatic and painful. It’s especially true for girls. While our daughters muddle through the social muck of middle and high school trying to figure out who’s a friend worth keeping and who is so not, they frequently attack each other in very personal ways.

We can thank technology, in part, for the ease with which today’s girls effectively bash and degrade their fellow students. But technology didn’t teach them that this stuff is OK. Could it be they’ve picked up some life lessons from the snarky remarks they’ve heard us make about other women? “My god! She got so fat!” “Whoah! She looks old!” “What happened to her? Is she wearing a mask?” Wait a minute, you say. Maybe those remarks are less than charitable, but they were aimed at celebrities… fair game. We certainly never trash talk anyone we actually know. Well, at least not to her face. But when our daughter has a “problem” with another girl, she is likely to go straight for the jugular.

No parents want to imagine that their sweet little girl would intentionally hurt anyone (no less a friend) but it happens… a lot! What also happens way too often is that girls who are targeted don’t have the courage to speak up for themselves. Which may explain why this friend-to-friend social aggression might be going on via text, IM and Facebook in your home without your knowing it.

In this week’s podcast I talk with Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World which has just been re-released in a new edition covering the impact of technology on Girl World. Twice a New York Times bestseller, Queen Bees & Wannabes was the basis for the 2004 movie Mean Girls. Rosalind’s follow up book Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads: Dealing with the Difficult Parents in Your Child’s Life was released in 2006.

Rosalind Wiseman is an internationally recognized expert on children, teens, parenting, bullying, social justice, and ethical leadership.

Listen to my interview with Rosalind Wiseman right here:

[QUICKTIME http://www.anniefox.com/podcast/FC013.m4a 300 300 false true]

If you have iTunes, you can subscribe to this podcast in the iTunes Store.

Or, you can download an MP3 version here.

Upcoming guests include:

Diane E. Levin, co-author (with Jean Kilbourne) of So Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood And What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Kids

Susan M. Heim, author of It’s Twins! and Chicken Soup for the Soul Twins and More

Hannah Friedman, author of Everything Sucks: Losing My Mind and Finding Myself in a High School Quest for Cool

Dara Chadwick, author of You’d Be So Pretty If…

Matthew Amster-Burton, author of Hungry Monkey: A Food-Loving Father’s Quest to Raise an Adventurous Eater

*What’s a podcast? “A podcast is a series of digital media files, usually either digital audio or video, that is made available for download via web syndication.” –Wikipedia… So, in this case, there’s an audio file for you to listen to (in addition to reading the above).

Filed under: Bookshelf,Cruel's Not Cool,Parenting,Parenting Books,Podcast,Pop Culture,Technology — Tags: cyberbullying, Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin dads, Queen Bees and wannabes, Rosalind Wiseman, Social aggression, teen girl friendships — Annie @ 11:16 pm

Comments (7)

For Teens: What can I do about these rumors?!

Why are they saying these things about me?!

You don’t need me to tell you that kids can be really nasty to each other. I could give you some theories about why some tweens and teens seem to get twisted pleasure out of seeing other kids suffer, but you don’t care about theories. I’m guessing you’d much rather have me tell you what you can do if you find yourself the target of rumors or some other variety of social garbage. Each situation is different, of course, but what’s the same for all of these unfair situations is that you can’t change anyone else’s behavior. You just can’t shut them up or shut them down. The only thing you can do is figure out a way to change your response to what’s going on.

Here’s an email I just got from a girl who’s so fed up with rumors that she’s ready to… well… Why not just read it yourself?

Hey Terra,

There is this one mean girl who keeps starting rumors about me. I’m only in 6th grade but she keeps telling me I’m a slut and a bitch. No one believes her and everyone is starting to be mean to her. But today she started another rumor and now I think I’m going to kill myself. I thought I could ask you for advice before I kill myself to see if you could change my mind. You stopped me from killing myself before so I trust you. Thank you.

Fed UP!

___________________

Hi Fed UP!

I’m really glad you wrote to me and I’m honored that you trust me. Trust me then when I tell you that killing yourself is not a solution to any problem. Nope. Not even a kinda sorta maybe solution. It just isn’t, so forget about it.

The way you describe it, it sounds like this girl who’s giving you such a hard time is a very unhappy kid. How do I know that? Because happy healthy kids who feel loved and accepted do NOT start nasty rumors! Happy kids who have high self-esteem do not think it’s funny or cool to trash other people.

OK. So this girl is not a happy camper and she’s mixed up in her thinking (She thinks it’s OK to do what she’s doing.) Let’s assume she hasn’t been taught the right way to treat people. But let’s forget about her for a moment. I care about YOU. I want you to be around to grow up and make more friends and fall in love and get really excited about stuff you’re learning. I want you to dream big dreams and set goals and get where you want to be through your own hard work. I want you to feel so proud of yourself and so self-confident that nothing can hold you back and no one can bring you down.

You’ve got all of that inside of you (and much more)… So you see, killing yourself makes no sense. You’ve got way too much going for you to throw it away and for what? Because some girl with low self-esteem is calling you names??

Talk to your parents ASAP. Tell them what’s going on at school. Talk to the school counselor. Talk to a cool teacher. Talk to the principal. Don’t let little Miss Unhappy Camper get a free pass on spreading nasty rumors. Have your parents talk to her parents. Keep making noise until someone gives this girl the message that what she’s doing is NOT OK. If you stay silent, she’ll keep doing it to you and to others.

Here are some other things you can do to improve this situation: Calm down. Hang with people you know you can trust to support you. Keep dreaming the big dreams.

In friendship,

Terra

Filed under: Teens — Tags: mean girls, middle school social issues, rumors, suicidal thoughts, Teens — Annie @ 9:39 pm

Comments (21)

The “Please Don’t Buy Me Any Stuff” Gift Guide

December 4, 2009

You are entitled to....

The year our daughter turned 15 she announced that she didn’t want us to buy her any “stuff” for Hanukkah. Huh? Did I hear that right? No stuff? What’s going on? Did she still love us? Wasn’t she grateful for the many very carefully selected gifts she’d received since… birth? Was she planning on running away and wanting to travel light?!

Actually, the truth was far less sinister and more profoundly personal. As she put it, “I’ve had it with holiday commercialism.” This led to a lively family discussion about needs vs. desires. Form vs. Substance. Carnivores vs. Vegetarians.

NOTE1: Our son was 9 at that time and while he dearly loved and coveted all kinds of “stuff,” (except when it came to clearing it off the floor and stowing it all back where it belonged) he agreed his sister’s idea merited serious philosophical consideration.

NOTE2: Said son is now a college graduate with a degree in… philosophy.

We love each other in this family and we’re not shy about showing it. So even though we placed a holiday moratorium on buying each other stuff there were absolutely no restrictions on the act of giving. Of course, without the stuff option to fall back on, we each faced the creative challenge of figuring out what to give.

That first year we abandoned traditional gift-giving our tokens of affection and admiration became more experiential and far-reaching. I’m talking about live performances and other cultural outings. There were factory tours, waterfall hikes, specially baked desserts, multi-media presentations, and hand-crafted treasures.

By far the best innovation emerging from our new tradition was the advent of personalized coupons books. These hand-made packets offered a variety of a dozen or so customized “goods and services and special privileges.” If you’re thinking “Give my kids a month of dry-cleaning?! A reserved parking space?! Is this woman nuts?” allow me to explain. The key to coupon success is knowing your recipient. Daughter, who frequently got busted for talking on the phone after lights out, was thrilled to get: “This coupon entitles you to use the phone between 11-11:30 on a school night. Homework and all getting ready for bed preparations must first be completed.”

Son, who has always loved sweets, got: “This coupon entitles you to 2 dozen of your choice of home-made cookies that you don’t have to share with anyone (unless you happen to be feeling particularly generous). Minimum 24 hour notice required.”

I remember happily receiving: “I will water all the plants in the house for you for 1 week.” And David, who spends lots of time hunched over his computer, was delighted to get: “I will give you a 10 minute shoulder massage.”

Freeing ourselves from buying stuff has opened the door to a new tradition and kept us out of the malls.

Now just in case you think I live under a rock, have a heart of stone, and/or am independently wealthy… none of the above. So, yes, I know times are tough and retailers around the country are wracking their business brains to figure out how to get us to regain enough confidence in the economy and our future earning power to get ourselves down to the mall and do our part for the recovery. I get that. And this No-stuff Gift Guide isn’t meant as an all or nothing deal. I mean, let’s face, there is very cool stuff in stores. And sometimes the special something your kid craves is just what you want to give, and if you can, go ahead and give it. Then knock yourself out on the kid’s joy when he/she receives your gift. All I’m saying is that you are not and never have been required to go into debt buying stuff that’s out of synch with your innate sense of what’s appropriate and healthy for your child.

So, if you’re looking for some extra meaning during this holiday season and a little less wear and tear on your family values, you might talk to your kids about alternatives to traditional gift-giving. It may not be coupons, but your family will likely come up with all kinds of great ideas. When we explore more creative ways to show our love for each other, we celebrate the uniqueness of each of family member. Now there’s a gift!

Happy holidays from our family to yours.