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June 28, 2013
As I wrote in April, I’m currently working on The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship with the amazing illustrator, Erica De Chavez. We’ve been having a blast on this collaboration and that’s always a good sign about the finished product!
Easing into the looong Fourth of July weekend (Why not start celebrating now?) I thought I’d give you another sneak peek at the book, since we’ve been talking about independence and this question from a 5th grader couldn’t be more on topic.
Q: My best friend doesn’t like me doing anything on my own. But when I don’t have time to do what I love, I don’t feel like I’m really me!
A: Best friends do not need to do everything together. You are both allowed to have time away from each other. It’s cool to be able to do things on your own, like read or draw, play sports, ride your bike or just to sit and daydream. Independence is a good thing.
It sounds like your friend really doesn’t understand how important “on my own” time is to you. Maybe she doesn’t understand because it’s not the same with her or maybe you’ve just never talked about it. How about telling her? If, for example, you like to draw, you might say something like this, “Sometimes, I’d rather draw than do anything else. When I’m in one of those ‘I need to draw’ moods, I want you to let me draw without getting upset with me.”
You might also ask her what she likes to do when she’s on her own. This kind of conversation can help the two of you understand each other better and that can help the friendship become stronger.
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Check out other sneak peeks of The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship here and here.
UPDATE October 3, 2014: The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA is now available in print and on Kindle (the ebook can be read on any device, your mobile phone, tablet, or computer with the free Kindle reader app). Visit GirlsQandA.com for an excerpt, reviews, and to order your copy.
June 27, 2013
 Guiding each other toward independence by Megan Sullivan
Continuing July’s Independence theme, I’m pleased to post this guest blog by Megan Sullivan. Megan is a free-lance writer. She lives in Southern California with her husband and their two daughters.
My daughter is already fifteen, stands two inches taller than me and has a driver’s permit, so you would think that I would be prepared for anything. We made it through the training bra, the menstrual cycle and now we have moved onto “real bras.” I get embarrassed when boys look at her, but I really was coping with her maturing physique.
Then it happened… my little girl came to me, hair in a sweet braid, looking extra innocent with a piece of paper in her outstretched hand. I was thinking she must have achieved something in school or had a letter for me to sign. But when I looked closely at the paper I felt faint. She had printed out a Victoria Secret coupon (I’ve raised money-conscious kids!) and she wanted me to take her shopping for more grown-up undergarments.
Her smile said that she expected me to high five her choice in lingerie, drive to the mall to pick-up some lacy underthings, and send her out into the wide world with her thong straps showing above her waistline. Instead, she got Mom making sounds kept without forming sentences. My daughter has yet to start dating, but my mind leapt quickly from underwear to teen pregnancy, to appearing on one of those terrible daytime talk shows where everyone yells.
All I could utter was a stilted, “Why?”
Apparently, her friends shop at VS all the time and lately they had been poking fun at her off brand undies as she changed in the locker room. Nothing more to it than typical mean girl antics. I don’t remember kids being brand conscious down to the skivvies, but I can understand the desire to feel good about yourself and the need to fit in with your gal pals. I guess my generation did see the rise of Calvins.
Beyond impressing her besties, my daughter is growing into a woman and cares about her appearance from top to bottom. She laughed when I said, “Do we need to talk about boys again?” She promised that at this time these items were for herself, and reminded me that Victoria’s Secret carries plenty of ‘normal underwear’, not just sheer leopard print push-up bras.
“I’ll talk to you before a boy sees my underwear, Mom.” she promised, like a young woman present and in control of her choices.
So we went shopping together and my girl steered clear of the store’s naughtier items, barely even giving them a glance. She’s also taught me that there’s more to cute underwear than just sex appeal, so I picked up a few cute items of my own.
As our kids grow-up, sometimes they turn out to be more mature than we are. It’s a great feeling to be able to talk to your child like an adult, even if sometimes you still see her as a five-year-old. It’s a part of the path that was made for each of us. I admire my daughter’s smarts, sensitivity, and her sense of style. We won’t always see eye to eye, but I am learning to cope with this new chapter of parenting and enjoy our differences as she becomes a close friend.
June 24, 2013
 Flying free It’s a bit early for 4th of July, but never too early to talk about independence, especially if you’ve got tweens or teens.
In my parenting workshops I often ask moms and dads: “What did you want more of from your parents?” Answers vary, but “independence” always tops the list along with “understanding” and “patience.” If that sounds familiar then you can understand why your kids probably want the same from you. Just like us, our kids are programmed to become independent.
The moment she emerges from the dark and narrow place, the infant begins exploring, compulsively gathering knowledge she’ll use on her journey. That journey is filled with unknowns and kids are easily overwhelmed. Since they must keep moving forward (the only direction Life goes), we offer reassurance: “You’re safe with me.” “I won’t let anything hurt you.” “Don’t worry. I’m here.” And we remain vigilant. Not because the world our kids inhabit is inherently evil or dangerous. It isn’t. We watch over them because our concern for their wellbeing is programmed into the deep recesses of our mammalian brain. We celebrate when they’re happy. We commiserate when they’ve experienced loss. We fight for justice on their behalf. We do all within our power to keep away everything that is uncomfortable and unfortunate. Our kids aren’t even free to be bored!
Maybe we protect them too much.
Here’s where I make a pitch for a little old fashioned benign neglect, i.e., letting kids do things on their own with the real possibility of making mistakes and yes, even failing. Without benign neglect, 21st century kids don’t have a lot of independence to explore, get messy and mess up. Kids with over-functioning parents have trouble developing real self-esteem and self confidence. Without the freedom to experience frustration and (age-appropriate) risk-taking, tweens and teens miss major opportunities to process disappointment and build resilience.
Some questions to think about:
- What’s the difference between a parent’s natural protectiveness and over-protectiveness?
- On a 1-10 scale, how would you rate yourself as a parent? (1=I’m a totally hands-off parent, 10=I haven’t relaxed since the day my child was born!) Now ask your child to rate you. If there’s a wide discrepancy, talk about it.
- In the past year, how has your child exhibited his or her growing independence? How have you responded?
- How have you encouraged and helped your child become more independent?
- In what ways might your fears (or the fears of your partner) be an obstacle to your child’s developing independence?
As our kids move toward young adulthood, maybe we should focus less on keeping them happy and more on helping them become independent thinkers with good judgment. In order to get there, they need ongoing opportunities to fly free.
Happy Birthday, America. Here’s to independence!
June 21, 2013
 Why? Cause I like it. Last time we were talking about kids’ transitions and graduating toward independence, something we parents should celebrate. But here’s a mom who wishes her daughter weren’t quite so independent. Can you relate?
Dear Annie,
Most parents don’t want their kids going along with the crowd, but I wish my daughter would! She dresses like a boy, only wearing boys’ shorts and shirts. It is beyond being a tomboy. She won’t ever put her hair up like the rest of the girls, even though the coach tells her to. Why is she doing this? Does she want to stand out? Or is she fighting the establishment? I want her to be herself, but she’s way overboard and has no friends because she is so different. I’ve told her all of this, but she won’t listen. Should I just let her learn the hard way?
Frustrated Mom
Dear Mom,
I’m sure you love your daughter and your advice is well-meaning, but I’m not sure how can anyone go “overboard” in being themselves. That’s like telling her, “Hold on! You are too much of who you are.”
You say want your daughter to, “be herself,” but do you really? Dressing this way is her way of being herself! While her fashion sense might make you uncomfortable at times, you need to deal with it on your own and try to keep your comments to yourself. Otherwise, your daughter will feel the sting of your disapproval every day. That’s damaging to her. Please remember that you are her most influential teacher. Giving her positive reinforcement will go a long way in helping her build self-esteem and resilience.
As to “why” she chooses to dress this way, there could be a number of reasons, but don’t assume she is looking for attention or purposely “fighting” anyone. Your daughter is her own wonderful, unique self. It’s not the child’s job to fulfill the parent’s expectations of who she is “supposed” to be. She doesn’t need fixing. She needs your unconditional love and support during her transition into young adulthood and throughout her journey, wherever it may lead. Please try to understand her better. You and she will both benefit tremendously from that.
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