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August 26, 2013
Unless you’ve got like 40 years experience in meditation, you’re going to get your buttons pushed. When we lose it, it’s usually because other people can be so annoying. If everyone else just got it together and met our personal standards of perfection, we’d be happy. C’mon universe, is that too much to ask? Guess so, because the universe doesn’t seem interested in making any of us happy all the time. Which kinda sucks. But there’s a creative challenge in there that’s intriguing. It’s about figuring out how to find our own peace of mind… even when other people are so… you know.
 Mom has lost it... again A girl was having a rough time with her mom and wrote to me for advice.
Teen: A few years ago I lied to my mom and told her I was getting a B in French when I was getting a C. She still says she can’t trust me even though I’m a good student. Mostly A’s and a few B’s. I want to prove to her that I am trustworthy and I want to stop us fighting so much. More recently our fights seem to be bigger and scarier and I’m surprised she hasen’t hit me because often she’s so angry she can only stutter. All her brothers and sisters joke how out my mom has an anger problem. (It’s true!) I know she has my best interests at heart but I need her to back off a little and stop being so critical. I’m scared we’ll have a horrible relationship when we are older because of this useless fighting!
Annie: This sounds like the unhappy relationship my mom and I had when I was a teen. Part of what’s going on here is probably normal: Teen girl starts to grow up, expresses her individuality and mom feels uncertain about how to relate to this emerging young woman. Seeing our kids as young adults reminds parents that our “job” has changed. We don’t have the same level of control over our kids’ lives. That can be scary for parents, though it sounds like you know how to make healthy choices (aside from lying about your French grade).
It takes two people to have a fight. Since you can not control your mom’s behavior try to get more control over your own. If she starts complaining or arguing what might happen if you don’t get all worked up in response?
Teen: I have never shouted back at my mom, I usually just sit there and stay calm while she yells- hoping that she will stop soon! I try not to let her anger get to me- but I think that could be something that annoys her, the fact that I don’t really show angry/mad/sad emotions. Maybe she feels like she has to yell extra long and loud to make a point.
Annie: You want more independence to make your own decisions without feeling negatively judged by your mom. And in a few years you will have that independence. The real challenge is “How do we co-exist in a more peaceful way, until then?” Have you ever talked with any other adults in your family about the challenges you’re having with your mom?
Teen: I’m close to my dad. He’s definitely more relaxed than my mom about all this growing up/girl stuff, but usually he doesn’t take sides. Wise man! What can you recommend that would help my relationship with my mom?
Annie: Slow deep breathing (AKA re-centering) whenever you feel tempted to “engage” in her negativity. Check out The Breathing Challenge. It is a challenge not to get stressed when the people around you are!
Also, try opening up to your dad and tell him how much you want a healthier relationship with your mom. Ask for his help in talking to her. Perhaps some calmly worded feedback from your dad would make your mom aware of how her behavior is contributing to the arguments. So talk to your dad and practice breathing. OK?
Teen: OK- thanks a lot Terra, I think I will be able to handle these situations with my mom better in the future.
August 21, 2013
 Updated February 6, 2014
One of the three Oklahoma teens charged in the murder of Christopher Lane said “We were were bored. So we decided to kill someone.” There’s so much that’s crazy scary about that statement, I don’t know where to start.
I’ll start here: I know nothing about those bored kids, but they’re clearly suffering from acute empathy deficit. That speaks to the current state of parenting and teaching. It also speaks to the violence and cruelty that passes for entertainment and online “bonding,” but I’m going to keep this short and to the point.
Not all teachers are parents watching out for the well-being of their own offspring. But an educator’s job description includes teaching your students to be ethical people, who are respectful to others. It used to go without saying that ethics and social responsibility (we called it Good Citizenship) were part of every every class, every grade level, every day. People became teachers not only because they loved chemistry or English literature or geometry, but because they found purpose and pride in their ability to connect with students, mind-to-mind and heart-to-heart. Teachers took their role as mentors very seriously.
As for parents who are raising children and guiding them into adulthood, all of us are teachers and mentors and influencers. If we’re not consistently teaching our kids to be good people who can responsibly manage their emotions (and their boredom) then we’re failing our kids. And in so doing, we’re making our families, schools and communities much less safe for all of us.
UPDATE: The three teens who allegedly shot Chris Lane are due in court on Tuesday, February 11th.
August 19, 2013
They say schools are no longer in the business of teaching good citizenship, character, ethics or whatever you want to call it because educators are too busy “teaching to the test.” There’s no test for character that can be graded to give districts bragging rights for getting their scores up, so why teach this stuff? Because there actually is a test for character. It’s called Life and we ought to be teaching to it. When we don’t, we get this…
Hey Terra,
People at school don’t like me because me and this popular girl got into a little fight and I won. To get even she spread rumours about me saying I was in a mental institution for weird and violent behavior (a complete lie). Then everyone started to insult and ignore me. She does it the most. They say stuff like “Hey freak! No one likes you, so why dont you take a long walk off a short bridge?” Everyday. I don’t get a break from it. I insult them back. I know I probably shouldn’t bother, but it’s really hard not to. It’s like automatic for me now. I don’ t like being told to basically die. It’s not right for anyone to be told that.
So Fed Up
 See it. Name it. Stop it. Dear Fed Up,
These kids are being rude and cruel. I know it’s hard to hear this crap and try to brush it off. I’ve heard it said that no one can bring you down without your permission. That’s kinda true and kinda not. Humans are wired to be emotional. We’re also wired to want other people to like us. So when someone shouts angry words in your face or online, your human wiring kicks in. Your heart beats faster (and not in a good way) and you feel attacked. Even if the person isn’t someone you know or care about. Even if what he or she says is a lie. Words hurt. We feel it. So I totally understand the temptation to attack back. Except… it doesn’t help. You’ve seen that. It just makes things worse. Like throwing gasoline on a fire. That won’t put it out.
But you need to learn to take care of yourself. That doesn’t mean yelling nasty stuff back at people who are mean to you. You need to take care of yourself by figuring out how to response so that
a) you don’t give anyone permission to push your buttons so you automatically react like a puppet and
b) at least one adult at school and/or at home steps in and gets to the bottom of this so that this girl and her followers no longer feel they’ve got the right to talk to you or anyone in this way.
I just took my fingers off the keyboard for a minute. I’m taking a deep breath now, because hearing about this stuff every day really upsets me. I feel frustrated there are kids who believe it’s OK to be mean to other kids. I also feel frustrated that the adults who run schools (principals, counselors, teachers, coaches) have not done a better job making school a safer more accepting place for all students all the time.
Still breathing. It helps. Take some deep breaths on your own whenever you need to calm down. Then think about what would really make this situation better. Forget about trying to talk to the girl. Go to adults in power. Talk to your parents. Tell them what you told me. Tell them just how Fed Up you are. Talk to the principal (with or without your parents). Talk to the school counselor. This has to stop. Adults can make it stop. Remind them it’s their job.
Take care.
In friendship,
Terra
————–
I’m so sick of the situations that prompt these emails. Where are the adults in charge? Do they really not know what’s going on? Do they believe it’s not part of their “job” to get involved with fights between students? Do they worry they’ll get no support from their administrators if they step in? Do they worry they’ll get in trouble with parents for calling out kids who are disrepecting other kids? Or have they just given up, believing that peer harassment is a problem bigger than any remedy they might offer in the moment?
I don’t know what school administrators and teachers think about the bullying that persists in their schools. Why don’t you tell me? I’m listening.
August 14, 2013
For many girls and guys the start of this school year means starting over in a new community. That may include leaving behind good friends and a town you loved. Even if you didn’t love everything about your old school, you may not have wanted to move. In the middle of dealing with those emotions, you now have to get used to living in a new place. Once you locate the new school (Thank you, GPS!) you’ve got to get used to new teachers and a new schedule without getting totally lost on your way to class. On top of all this is the major challenge of figuring out where you fit in with hundreds of kids you don’t know.
If you are the New Kid in school, this blog is for you. (It’s part of my upcoming The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship, illustrated by the infinitely talented Erica De Chavez) If you’re not the New Kid, read on anyway. Then, hopefully you’ll be on the look-out for anyone at school (new or old) who needs a friend.
Q: My family just moved to a new state. I had to leave all of my friends. Now I’m at a new school. How do I make new friends?
A: Welcome to your new school! You’re probably excited and a little sad because you left some friends behind when you moved. Being in a new school without friends is like watching a movie without popcorn. Making new friends will help you feel more at home in your new home. But how do you make friends? Here are some tips:
1. Be friendly. That means act like someone who wants friends. Smile. Say, “Hi, I’m ____. What’s your name?” That lets kids know what a nice girl you are.
2. Be a good listener. Ask kids what your new school is like and listen to what they say. When people ask you questions, don’t brag (“I was the most popular girl at my old school.”) or make stuff up (“My old school had flying unicorns the students could ride on.”)
3. Ask to be included. This takes courage, so you may need some slow deep breaths before you say, “Hi. Can I play?”
4. Find a buddy. Be on the lookout for at least one girl who seems like she could become a good friend for you. Then follow the directions for #1.
Good luck and have a great school year!
In friendship,
Annie
PS If you want a couple more “sneak peeks” of The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship you’ll find them here and here.
UPDATE October 3, 2014: The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA is now available in print and on Kindle (the ebook can be read on any device, your mobile phone, tablet, or computer with the free Kindle reader app). Visit GirlsQandA.com for an excerpt, reviews, and to order your copy.
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