Holidays | Annie Fox's Blog

Holiday stress is coming to town

November 14, 2013

It’s Day 14 of National Novel Writing Month. For those of you outside of my family who are interested, as of this morning I hit 24,684 words toward my goal of 50K by Nov. 30th. (SFX of CHEERS) For all you fictionists… fictionaries? BS artists? Write on, comrades!

To free myself from blogging this month, I’m reaching into my archives for oldies but goodies. Found this one (SFX of DUST BLOWING off stack of yellowed pages)

Holidaze? It’s About Time

Hey, kids! What time is it?

Recently my Christmas cactus awoke from its summer stupor, which can only mean the holidays are racing up the front steps soon to lean heavily on my doorbell. If that sentence triggered a stress response, I apologize and feel your heart palpitations. Holiday stress is very real especially if you’re anything like me when I’m on a quest for the perfect gift, the perfect turkey-brining recipe, the perfect holiday.

But, wait! My handy dictionary defines holiday as: “a day taken off for leisure and enjoyment.” Who was this Noah Webster dude anyway? Obviously he never shopped, hit an ATM, circled a packed parking lot for the fourth time, polished, cleaned, cooked, served, or stared bleary eyed into a packed fridge wondering where three more containers of leftovers could possibly fit.

Before we write-off Webster please note that in a perfect world holidays are meant to be a pleasant break in routine for you and your loved ones – well-deserved time to de-stress and appreciate being part of a family. Who knew?

As a family, we celebrated an unscheduled holiday in January 1996 when a tremendous windstorm roared through our neck of the woods, knocking out the power. No school, no computers, no work. We gathered around the fireplace bundled in blankets as I read aloud from a giant book of obscure folktales. We paused at crucial plot points and guessed what would happen next. We acted out alternative endings. We played Crazy Eights by candlelight. We roasted marshmallows and shared memories from childhood. We ate outrageous ice cream sundaes for breakfast. Hey, we couldn’t just let all that Chunky Monkey melt, could we?

During that long blackout we depended on each other for warmth, comfort, entertainment, and connection. And we had a blast. Five days later when the lights went back on, we all felt a little sad.

21st Century parents and kids need family to provide a place to de-stress. Don’t think your kids are stressed? Here are typical responses I get when I ask kids “What does the word ‘stress’ mean to you?”

“A kinda mind overload.”
“Pressure and lots of responsibility on your hands.”
“Overwhelmed and overworked.”
“…a lot of stuff that I have to do like homework, chores and other things a girl my age should not be stressing about. If I have to do all those things in ONE day I would just pass out. It’s too much pressure!!!!”
“A tax on your soul.”

Heart breaking, huh? And those are from 11-13 year olds!

Most things in this world are constantly changing but our unconditional love for kids isn’t one of them. We hurt when we see our kids so freaked out and wound up, but what can we do? We can’t stop the world, but we can slow down our own little corner and bring the family in closer. Don’t believe your kids want to hang out with you? Probably not all the time. And be honest. You wouldn’t want to hang out with them all the time either! But they do want to spend time with you. Especially when you show them that you really enjoy being with them.

If everyone’s schedule is already packed and you just don’t see how you’re going to create a regular Family Time then I suggest you sit down with your kids and talk about the daily pressures each of you deals with. Discuss how spending time as a family can actually help you all stress less. Unplug the media for one night a week and do something you can enjoy together: Make a meal, work on a project, play a game, go for a hike, make music, dance, look at old family photos or videos, tell stories, read stories, laugh, relax.

Try it and you may get the same bonus our family got when the storm blew out the power… the gift of time, which is the first step to reclaiming the heart of your family during the holiday season and year round.

Filed under: Holidays,Parenting,Teaching Kids To Be Good People,Technology — Tags: family time, unplugging — Annie @ 1:19 pm

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When kids get the “Gimmes” give them a chance to give

November 11, 2013

Teaching kids to be good people includes encouraging them to “Share” and “Think of others.” All good, but it’s tough to compete with billions of ad dollars bombarding our children with other encouraging words, like: “Get Mom/Dad to buy you this stuff!”

It’s a hard row. So whenever I discover a project that can nudge a kid’s needle in the direction of Giving vs Getting I do what I can to get the word out.

Houses for Change is one of those gem projects. Check out my interview with Mark Wasserman, founder and director of Houses for Change, an award-winning educational crafts project for kids to raise awareness of homelessness and raise funds to help homeless families. It is a national campaign that answers the question, “What can I do to help?” This is a brilliantly simple idea with easy peasy implementation which teaches kids about philanthropy and the power each of us has to do good in the world. We’re all onboard for that kind of education, right?

Happy Holidays!

Filed under: Education,Holidays,Parenting,Philanthropy,Teaching Kids To Be Good People — Tags: education, Family Promise, Houses for Change, philanthropy, Season of Giving — Annie @ 11:30 am

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Day 28: Kindness and Respect Challenge (Compassion begins at home)

October 28, 2013

Ah yes, the family is together again

Depending on your relationships with kin folk, the upcoming holidays may bring on joyful anticipation or a queasy gut. If you’re planning on attending a family get-together be on your best behavior. Why? Because nothing kills the holiday spirit faster than letting the button pushers win. You know who I’m talking about:

Your aunt who rehashes everything that messed up her annual trip to Vegas because of course you want to hear how stale the airplane pretzels were.
Your brother–in–law who asks how you’re doing, then four seconds into your answer interrupts with “Oh, did I tell you….?”
Your niece who comments on the health hazards of each lovingly made side dish on the buffet table.

Drives you bonkers every time, right? Instead of allowing these encounters to vaporize your Happy Ho-Ho, here are three good reasons to stay calm:

1. When you exchange irritation for compassion you take better care of yourself emotionally and physically.

2. When you refuse to let your buttons get pushed you do your part to make the get-together happier for yourself and everyone else.

3. All parents are teachers. If you want to teach your kids to be good people who know how to use their “company manners” you’ve gotta show them what it looks like.

Tips for Becoming More Compassionate (during the holidays and year-round)

When that relative does or says something which grates your nerves, ASK yourself:

What’s going on with me right now? Irritation? Embarrassment? Frustration? Boredom? Resentment? Jealousy? Job #1= Identifying what you’re feeling so you can start understanding your reactions and take them off auto-pilot.
Why does this bother me so much? We are hardest on people whose behavior mimics parts of ourselves that we dislike. Which part? Think about it. And while you’re pondering, you might find yourself softening toward the equally flawed mortal in front of you.
What’s my usual way of responding? How does your knee-jerk response increase your stress levels and the stress of the people closest to you? Thinking clearly about the downside of our usual reactions can encourage us to explore more positive options.
What does that person need? We’re usually so busy resenting button pushers we rarely think about helping them. But if you consider why Auntie must rehash every complaint and disappointment, negative family dynamics can shift. Maybe she just needs someone to acknowledge her troubles. Sounds like what most of us need at times. Maybe the problem isn’t what Auntie really needs, but her inability to ask for it directly. If you can figure out what she (or anyone) really wants and you can provide some or all of it, you might discover a) Auntie isn’t as “irritating” as she used to be, b) you feel more compassion and love towards her, and c) you’ve freed yourself from a cycle that only made things worse. Win-win-win.

Revving up to family get-togethers, talk honestly with your teens about the challenges we all have in expressing our needs. Share with them what you’ve learned about being part of a family. Let them know while families are forever, family dynamics can change. With compassion and a willingness to be honest about what you feel and what you need, you can teach your children that healthy people continue growing in positive directions.

Happy Holidays, from our family to yours

Filed under: Holidays,Kindness and Respect Challenge,Mindfulness,Parenting,Teaching Kids To Be Good People — Annie @ 1:31 pm

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Day 25: Kindness and Respect Challenge (Show me some love)

October 25, 2013

I know how to get what I need

Yesterday’s email from One.org described how much good the gift of a goat can provide an African family in extreme poverty. Great idea. Been gifting goats through OxfamAmerica.org for years. Glad to see more goats doing their part to help people.

So I started thinking about goats I’ve known… and remembered this blog from 5 years ago. Fits perfectly with the Kindness and Respect Challenge because it’s about love.

A Tale of Two Kids

Saturday I strolled alone through a golden vineyard. You may not have grapes growing near you, but if you spot a sunny day outside your window, get out in it! Drag your family along too.

In the short term, Nature will re-center you. In the long-term it might keep you saner when you’re locked in traffic, cooped up inside, or stuck anywhere you’d rather not be. Enjoying the natural world might also keep you safer. Because let’s face it, trolling malls can be scary dangerous. Just last week a bunch of Long Island bargain hunters trampled a store employee. Yes, they actually killed a guy who stood between them and 30% off of such gotta-haves as a pair of Hulk Smash Hands.

Nothing like that ever happens in vineyards, even when grapes with attitude are still on the vine. Of course, I wasn’t hunting for anything on Saturday, which is probably why finding the goats was so cool.

There were 15 of them munching grass within a spacious pen. It looked like a perfect home for goats. I’m just assuming, of course. But really, they seemed pretty happy. I don’t know that for sure, but none actively complained. Except for this one goat. He looked at me with what could only be called longing. Like he suddenly realized that his goat-life was incomplete. Maybe the others felt it too, but they just stood and stared. But Goat the Brave trotted over, looked me in the eye and said, “I need some love. Can you help?”

I reached through the railing and petted him. He tilted his head toward the sun and smiled. “Ahh, that’s great. Now how about behind my left ear, if you don’t mind?” I didn’t mind. I was into it. Bonding by the fence the world went away. Twenty feet back stood the rest of the herd, frozen, watching Goat the Brave get all that hands-on love. I felt their aching to be patted and cooed at. Yet, to the goat, they lacked the courage to step up and say, “Me too!”

After leaving the goats I headed back to the tasting room where guests sipped their Chardonnay and Merlot, downed salami and cheese, and enjoyed the music of the Las Gallinas Valley Sanitary District Non-Marching Band (aka The Sewer Band), in which my David plays trombone.

Between sets I read on a bench in the late afternoon sun. A 5 year old girl (aka Little Spunky) spotted me and like the brave goat, wanted attention. More coy in her approach, she ducked behind a column and sang quietly to herself but not all that quietly. When I looked up from my book, Little Spunky lowered her voice and pretended to pick flowers. I sighed (loudly) and returned to my book, but faked her out and immediately looked up again. Ha! I caught her looking at me! This time she didn’t look away. Just smiled knowingly and said, “Santa’s coming!” The message was clear… “Don’t miss it, lady!” Then she climbed out of the flower bed and ran toward the music.

I followed. Within seconds, the band launched into “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” and there he was!. And guess who was first to talk to the fat man in red, and receive a kindly smile and candy cane? Good guess. Way to go, Little Spunky. Way to go, Goat the Brave. You know how the world works. When you need love and attention, you’ve gotta speak up.

Filed under: Holidays,Kindness and Respect Challenge,Parenting,Philanthropy — Tags: Goats, One.org, OxfamAmerica.org — Annie @ 9:56 am

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