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March 5, 2014
 Why don’t they believe me? It ain’t easy being teen when the social stuff takes up so much time and emotional and mental real estate. A teen’s ability to resolve conflicts in multi-tiered relationships doesn’t match the challenges. We are communicating with more people than ever, but all our texting, chatting and tweeting only increases the chances of miscommunication.
Another problem, peer conflicts rarely involve only two people. Maybe it started with Isaac and Charlotte, but within minutes all their friends become combatants. Increase the number of fighters on any battlefield, real or virtual, and you increase the intensity of the fight and the number of casualties. For example:
Hey Terra, I am new this year and have worked hard to make friends. Now someone has been telling my close friends that I talk behind their back, which I never did! And they actually believe it! Now everyone hates me, even people I don’t know. They call me a FAT HIPPO! They even made a picture of me with Ho, Liar and Skank written on it. No one wants to be my friend and the rumors keep building up. It’s like I’m being tortured for something I didn’t do! Honestly, I would rather die than be here! I’m innocent and no one believes me. –Feeling depressed!
Hi, Feeling depressed, I’m sorry this awful stuff is happening to you. It’s so unfair when people refuse to listen to the truth and continue spreading lies. It’s hard enough moving to a new place and it doesn’t help having all this drama to deal with. Do you have a school counselor? If you haven’t yet talked to a caring, trusted adult, you should. Don’t feel powerless because you are not! –Terra
Hey Terra, I did talk to my counselor and he told me to ignore them and keep hanging in there. He called the girls in to “sit and talk” to me and IT GOT WORSE! They called me a baby and worse things! I hate it soo much and they still don’t believe me! I wish everything would just go away! Your reply has actually made me feel better cuz I feel like someone finally cares! 🙂 thank you! btw, my name is Kate.–Kate
Dear Kate: Glad you talked to the counselor. That took courage. He thought if you “ignored” the girls their mean behavior wouldn’t have the power to upset you as much. But it’s not working. Go back and tell him “It got worse!” He needs to make it clear to these girls that what they are doing is not acceptable and if it doesn’t stop then their parents will be called in. If this harassment continues, talk to your parents so they can let the principal know what’s going on.–Terra
Hey Terra,Umm, do you know how I can prove to the girls that I’m innocent? If you don’t then that’s fine. I will talk to my parents and counselor. – Kate
Dear Kate, I’m glad you’re going to talk with your parents and to the counselor again. Sorry, I don’t know how you can prove your innocence. If your word isn’t good enough, nothing will be. Stop trying to convince them of anything. –Terra
Hey Terra! Guess what?! Yesterday everyone apologized to me! They really felt bad for believing those lies! I said it’s OK, but inside I know I need to watch who I trust and what I say around people! Everyone’s hanging out with me more. They said it’s cuz they think I’m a strong person! They said they’re proud of me 🙂 –Kate
Dear Kate, I’m proud of you, too. Sometimes, when we say: “It’s OK” what we mean is “I am letting go of the bad feelings I’ve been holding.” That’s called forgiveness and it’s wise. It’s also wise to carefully choose who to trust. Especially after trust has been broken. Take what you learned and move forward with confidence! –Terra
March 3, 2014
Word has it in early June I’ll be joining the ranks of grandmothers around the world. Lots of people have been congratulating me. While I appreciate the thoughtfulness of the well-wishers, whenever I hear the words I can’t help thinking: “Congratulations for what?” All I did was give birth to my wonderful son and help to raise him into an awesome young man who is a loving husband and will, undoubtedly, become a stellar dad. Hmm. Guess I will accept a few props after all, thank you.
 Smile, Grandma As David and prepare to meet and greet our grandson, I’ve been considering the kind of grandmother I aspire to be. But the thing is, I don’t know from grandmas. Yes, technically, I had two… as so many do, but I lost them long, long ago, which, as Oscar Wilde pointed out, was “very careless.” Grandma #1 died before I was born. I would have been her 4th granddaughter and 9th grandchild. Not likely she and I would have had a bunch of bonding time together. Grandma #2 died when I was four. I was her 5th granddaughter. (Another girl? How special!) From old photos, it’s hard to imagine she enjoyed children much… or life, for that matter.
Of course, I’ve observed grannies in films and pop culture. Most are kindly, affectionate and infinitely patient. Most come with a requisite twinkle, dimples, and ample breasts. They love to knit and garden. On Chopped and Top Chef, 9 out of 10 contestants apparently got their first culinary training in grandma’s kitchen. So there’s that too.
What kind of Granny Annie will I be? I’ll figure it out as I go along (and blog about it, no doubt) but here’s what I’ve got so far:
- I will show my grandson, from Day One, that I’m delighted with and grateful for this opportunity to get to know him.
- I am here to help him understand that he is part of a family that loves him unconditionally and can teach him essential things about love, trust, respect, compassion and finding fun and humor in life.
- I am here to help him understand and appreciate himself and to use his talents for good.
- I am here to help him understand emotions (his own and other people’s).
- I am here to help him develop a moral compass and the social courage to do the right thing.
- I am here to help him explore his interests so he can best find his path.
- I am here to read to him, tell him stories, play games, share silly songs and teach him how to make bagels from scratch.
- I am here to help him understand and appreciate the natural world and the world of people.
- I am here to be his teacher, his champion, and a safe person to come to no matter what’s going on.
- I am here to be his friend.
If you are a grandparent, I’d love to hear what you’ve learned from your grandchildren and what you’ve taught them. I’m taking notes.
February 28, 2014
 I wanna hold your hand and… Friday is Family Confidential day. Before you race over and check out my latest podcast (Having “The Talk” with Tweens with Marlene Mahurin, co-founder of the online parent-tween sex education course, Time for the Talk) let me tell you why I wanted to interview a sex educator.
I’ve been answering teen email questions for almost 17 years. A lot of them are about sex. Like these:
- All of my friends have their periods except me. What’s wrong with me??
- Does having sex make your breasts bigger?
- Can you get pregnant swallowing cum?
- This girl and I didn’t expect to have sex, but it just sort of happened. Is it possible she might be pregnant?
- My best friend who has been like a brother to me just told me that he is gay. I was shocked and just got up and left. I don’t know what to say to him.
- My bf and me are 14 and we’ve already been dating for two years. I’m ready to have sex with him but all my friends are saying no and I’m not ready. I feel like I’m ready. What should I do?
- My friend is eleven, started her period and might have had unprotected sex with her boyfriend. She says she’s pregnant and I am worried if she keeps the baby she may not know how to be healthy when you’re pregnant.
- My mom walked in on me playing down there. She’s been real mean to me since then. She calls me a slut and a whore. I tell her that I’m not having sex or anythings, but she doesn’t believe me.
They say, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” That might be true, occasionally, but when it comes to teens, what they don’t know about sex, puberty, sexual orientation, can and often does hurt them.
Your kids are getting a sex education all the time, from the media, the internet and their clueless friends. It’s probably not be the education you want for them. Do yourself and your kids a favor, listen to the podcast, Having the Talk with Tweens. so you can feel more comfortable talking to your kids about sex.
February 25, 2014
 Please won’t you be my neighbor? Marin County, where this story takes place, has the lowest violent crime rate of all nine San Francisco Bay Area counties. It also ranks 4th lowest in violent crime amongst all 58 California counties. You’ll need this for context. When folks in Marin have an issue with someone, we hash it out over organic Genmaicha tea down at the gluten-free bakery. Get the picture? Marin is a chill place. Which is why the little girl’s reaction to my friendly “Good morning” was such a shocker. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
On the sunny morning in question, I strolled my neighborhood and crossed paths with a five year old and her dad. I said “Good morning” to the father who stopped, smiled warmly and said, “Hey! How’s it going?” (Which is Marin for “Hi”) The two were obviously coming from the school down the hill, so I said to the girl, “Do you go to school at Brookside?” She looked down at her shoes and tightened her grip on her dad’s hand. Dad chuckled and informed me that his daughter is “kinda shy.” I didn’t think much of it and said to him, “My kids went to Brookside. It’s a nice school.” Dad agreed and started to tell me how his daughter was enjoying kindergarten. At that point the little girl yanked her father’s hand and said, “You’re not supposed to talk to strangers.” He seemed embarrassed but continued our conversation. “Yes, Ms. Hillson is a terrific teach… ” But he couldn’t finish because his daughter frantically pulled on his arm and tried dragging him away, all the while screaming, “Don’t talk to strangers, Daddy!!Don’t talk to strangers!!!”
She kept carrying on, pulling Dad along like a bad dog. He followed (lest his arm be severed from his body), but not before glancing back and giving me a helpless look.
Wow! I thought. That kid seriously needs some green tea and a yoga class. She’s obviously been indoctrinated into the “Stranger Danger” mindset to the degree that she believes everyone she doesn’t know is a lethal threat. She also doesn’t trust her dad can a) take care of himself and b) take care of her.
Walking on, I felt so sorry for the child and wondered what kids miss when they no longer have friendly encounters with neighbors.
A moment later another five year old girl appeared walking with her mom up the hill from the school (I do write fiction, but I swear I didn’t make this up.) Undeterred, I said, “Good morning” to the mom. At which point Little Girl#2 smiled brightly and said, ‘I go to Brookside School. I’m in kindergarten. Today my teacher read us Sylvester and the Magic Pebble. Do you know that story? It’s about a donkey who turns into a rock. It’s kinda sad but then his parents make a wish and he turns back into himself again. Then they have a party. Do you have kids? Do they go to Brookside?”
Her mom laughed, delighted her little girl was so confident and friendly.
I was delighted by her too. My kind of neighbor. We stopped and chatted for a while. I told her about a few other books she and her mom might enjoy together. Then we waved goodbye.
So what do you tell your children about strangers? I get that not everyone lives in a place like Marin, but what’s the right balance to strike when you teach kids about taking care of themselves when they are on their own and around people they don’t know?
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