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July 29, 2013
 Hey dude. Welcome back. During the school year The Routine keeps the family on a short leash, jolting us into each day: “Get up or you’ll be late! Quit hogging the bathroom! Quit texting and finish your breakfast! Where’s your homework? Don’t forget your cleats! Get going!!”
Then summer comes. We exhale. We’re off leash. The voice inside our head takes a vacation and happily forgets to write. We feel free. And it dawns on us that, yes, we are human beings, not machines.
Hopefully every adult and child in your family had some special time during the break. Time together for fun and bonding. Time on alone for fun and self-discovery.
Now’s the time to get back in gear. It’s an adjustment for everyone. But for some kids going back to school is a real challenge, especially if last year wasn’t memorable in a good way. Maybe there was a personality clash with a “difficult” teacher. Or the (home)work repeatedly overwhelmed brain and emotions. Maybe there were issues with friends or ex-friends that made school a battlefield. If any of this happened to your kids, not surprising they don’t want to go back. But go they must.
So your job is to make it easier. Call a family meeting to debrief from last school year. Because let’s face it, not everything you and your kids did last term is worth replaying. It’s probably safe to say that a lot of what went down ought to be avoided. NOTE: I’m not implying that all the social garbage and arguments were intentional or avoidable, but I do know this:
1. It takes one person to start an argument. But it takes two people to keep it going.
2. Doing nothing in the face of a bad situation typically encourages more of the same.
3. People aren’t mind-readers. You’ve gotta tell them how you feel and actively teach them how to treat you.
4. Pain is part of life.
5. Suffering (blaming, feeling sorry for yourself, and/or rehashing) are optional.
So gather the troops for a safe and open conversation about what you each did (at home, at school, and online) that worked well last year and what didn’t. This may take 30 minutes, give or take, so schedule accordingly. If you blow off the family meeting rules (no interrupting, no invalidating, etc.) it’ll take longer and accomplish much less. More tips for a successful family meeting:
- Turn off all digital devices.
- Insist on respectful listening. Model it too.
- Bring snacks.
- Appoint a “secretary” to record new family agreements and policy. That way later, no one can get away with “I/You never said that!”
- Meet together regularly for progress reports. Celebrate what’s working. Tweak what isn’t.
Working together, as a family, you can contribute to a better school year for your kids and yourself. Good luck!
In friendship,
Annie
PS I’ll be writing more about Back-to-School challenges in the coming days. Stay tuned.
July 24, 2013
 Manic Pixie Dream Girl circa 1961 The ultimate prize of parenting is a healthy relationship with your adult children. If your kids still live with you it’s probably weird imaging they’ll ever not need you to sort their underwear or sign permission slips. But hopefully that day will come. And when it does, how will you know you’ve hit the jackpot? There isn’t just one way to have a healthy relationship. But there sure are a lot of wrong ways. For example, a healthy parent-adult child relationship includes feeling safe to share selected personal stuff. On the other hand, if you or your adult child is calling and texting 27 times a day, you might have some issues. One sure-fire litmus test verifying whether you and your grown-up son or daughter have a healthy relationship is that you both actually enjoy spending time together.
My son, Ezra, is happily married and lives about 20 miles away. David and I just saw him a couple of weeks ago for a family get-together on the 4th of July. It was lovely and fun, but he and I didn’t really get to talk… not really. So I sent him an email Sunday night telling him I was thinking about him. “How about you and I scheduling some time together soon?” Ezra wrote right back and suggested we meet up for dinner the next night. Which we did. Just the two of us. In a restaurant. We chowed down and talked about what each of us has been up to. Then we effortlessly segued into a discussion of Arrested Development, The Crash Reel, Ruby Parks, and what’s up with all these quirky female characters? (aka, Manic Pixie Dream Girls).
We debated. We laughed. We shared insights. We shared dessert. We split the bill. It was, as Ez likes to say, “Good times.”
Here’s to good times for you and your kids, now and in the future.
July 17, 2013
 I'm not allowed to go anywhere or do anything I have a new puppy and a new appreciation for the importance of unstructured play. And of summer. Kids need a summer escape from homework, tests, and The Schedule. They need fun with friends and time spreading their wings. They need time to practice good judgement. And we need time learning to relax and let them.
I recently heard from a teen who wants to play, but he’s having trouble earning a recess pass:
Teen: I’m 14 and my parents don’t let me do anything. I only get to relax with my friends like once every 5 months. I asked to go to a theme park with my friends and my parents started freaking out and said no. They hold it against me for when I went to there last summer.
Annie: Parents don’t freak out for no reason. What happened the last time?
Teen: Nothing. I was completely safe. I didn’t do anything bad and neither did my friends. Besides my mom was there with us too. She just didn’t walk around with us.
Annie: Hmm. Sounds like you don’t know why your parents don’t want you to go to the theme park. You should ask them.
Teen: I always ask my parents nicely and very respectfully when I just want a day to relax with my friends. Even though my friends are good, my parents say no. All I ever get is school, swim practice, and go home and study. I’ve been doing that since I was 4 or 5. I talk to my parents about me growing up and I need to get out to experience life and they won’t listen to me. They say that other parents are the same, but when I ask other kids of overprotective parents, they are treated completely different.
I’m overall a good kid. They know I can make the right choices. I do my chores, do great in sports, have straight A’s, but my parents don’t give me anything in return. I guess they still don’t trust me. I’m getting very sick of being locked up in the house all day when school isn’t in session. I only ask once in awhile if I can be with my friends, but they always say no and never give me a reason why. If they told me why, maybe I would understand their thinking. Please help.
Annie: Maybe your parents are very afraid of your being out on your own. But it’s impossible to know what they’re thinking if they don’t tell you. When parents don’t help kids understand their perspective, it’s frustrating because it doesn’t give you anything to hope for or to work with. So how can you change their minds or the situation? You can’t. That’s unfair, but it is what it is.
For now, your parents make the rules. You want to earn the right to make more of your own decisions, so try negotiating with them. Say, “I want to go to ____’s house this afternoon from 1pm-3pm. We will be walking from here to there. I will call you as soon as I get there. I will call you when I leave to come home. May I please go?” If they say no, ask if you can go for one hour. Hopefully they will allow you more independence, a little at a time. If not, try to accept it and continue making good choices (you won’t be 14 forever.) If your parents give permission, make sure you follow the rules. Call when you say you will. Be home a few minutes early. In that way, they will learn to trust you and your ability to make healthy choices even when they aren’t around. That’s all parents really want, the peace of mind knowing that their kids know how to keep themselves safe. I hope this helps.
Teen: Yes. Thank you. 🙂
July 12, 2013
 There's nothing to do! (and it's all your fault) It’s July. Likely the summer doldrums have already moved in. Maybe you’ve already been accosted by your kids’ complaining, “Mom, I’m bored!” in that grating tone they use to let you know you’re failing as a parent.
I didn’t hear “I’m bored” very often from either of my kids. They’re adults now, both professional writers and both comedy improv performers. No lack of creativity there. But my son, now 6’1″ was always a ravenous boy. From him I often heard “Mom, I’m hungry!” His assumption: it was my job to feed him even when was old enough to take or make his own snack. Solution: I taught him to cook. Which he still enjoys and is very good at.
When we don’t let kids experience lulls in “fun time,” when Mom or Dad automatically become The Entertainer, kids are less likely to teach themselves to push through boredom and make their own fun. If we teach kids that it’s our job to do for everything for them, why should they bother learning to be creative? Why should they even bother thinking about what they might enjoy doing?
Summer can feel especially long when every moment of every day is unstructured. But a long summer can be such a gift to the imagination and the spirit. Here are some tips for helping your kids learn to banish boredom and get inspired!
1. Lead by example. There are things you love to do that tap into your creativity and stimulate your imagination. When kids see us being creative and fully involved in a project, they get the message, “In this family we put our imagination to work. And look how much fun and satisfaction we get!”
2. Talk about process. Being creative is often about experimentation and process more than product. When you catch your child in the act of doing something creative let him or her know that you admire their choice of activity. (Don’t worry about the mess!) If they produce a “product,” a drawing, a song, a dance, a video, a dozen cookies, a bird house, a garden, a lemonade stand, or a philanthropic campaign, then ask your child about the experience. How did you do that? What inspired you? How’d you feel while you were in the middle of it? What’d you learn? What would you do differently next time? What are you planning next? etc. These conversations inspire kids to continue being creative.
3. Unplug. With so much unstructured time, plugging in to a game, an app, or Social Media is an easy fix for “I’m bored!” But it’s also a time-sink and it’s not likely to teach your kids anything about their true passions, interests, and creative strengths. Family vacations are a great time to unplug. Sure it’s easier if you’re off the grid, but guess what? Even if you’ve got access, every digital device has a POWER-OFF switch. (Who knew?) Model self-discipline with your own devices. Show your kids what an imaginative adult looks like. Use family vacations to be with the family and play together in new creative ways.
It’s summer. Have fun as a family and show your kids how to do it on their own.
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