Parenting | Annie Fox's Blog - Part 65 Annie Fox's Blog

Going from getting to giving

July 9, 2012

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

I’ve been tapped as the Bing Summer of Doing expert for the week. Part of the gig involves writing a blog using the word of the day. Interesting challenge! I’ll be posting today, then again on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. Hope to see you often. Now it’s Monday and for no particular reason the word is GIVING. But who needs a reason a give? Not me, and so, I give this to you:

Bing Summer of Doing – Time to give a little

For the first couple of years of life we can’t tell people what we want. That’s why the helpful adults who love us and want to keep us happy, pepper us with questions. These often begin with: “Do you want _______?” Since we’re not yet ready for conversation, the grown-ups fill in the blank:

Do you want to play with this?

Do you want a story?

Do you want to go to the park?

Do you want mint chip or jamoca almond fudge?

Our every wish becomes our parents’ command. That’s why we quickly we learn to say “I want _______.” Being a little kid is such sweet gig!

Then comes the day when parents say ‘NO’ to one of our many requests and our 3-year old brain explodes: “What did you say?! What do you mean it’s too close to dinner? What do you mean it costs too much and you won’t buy it for me? This is outrageous!!” We don’t have all those words, so we reiterate the obvious for stupid Mommy/Daddy: “BUT I WANT IT!!!!!”

The tantrums don’t always work, but they work sometimes and for little humans that’s just enough reinforcement to keep hope and self-centeredness alive.

At around age three, as we become more aware of the power dynamics within our family, we start testing boundaries. That’s the time a parent’s “Do you want ______?” may take on a sinister ring:

Do you want me to take that away from you?

Do you want a time out?

Do you want me to tell Daddy?

Do you want me to give you something to cry about?

This last rhetorical question was surprisingly popular amongst certain parents during the second half of the last century. Hopefully it’s gone the way of the landline, but I’ve got no empirical data either way.

Obviously all those years of “Do you want _______?” congeal in the spongy language and reward centers of our brain where we realize how important our happiness is to Mom and Dad. Because we are all about making it easy for them to please us, we learn to be very specific with our demands about what we want and why we ought to get it… NOW:

“I want __________. (pause) I am too old enough!”

“I want __________. (pause) ‘Cause I’m the only one who doesn’t have one!”

“I want a new __________. (pause) ‘Cause my old one sucks!”

“I want you to give me what I want and I want you to leave me alone.” (Double demand… impressive language development!)

And so, for those of us who grew up in comfortable circumstances (yes, I’m talking about you on the laptop) it stands to reason we may need an attitude transplant to get from “I want to get _____.” to: “I want to give ______.” But we can do it! We have the technology to connect with organizations that are doing awesome work. We have the credit cards (which makes spending less painful). Click. Click.

Why wait until December when we’re hit up for donations from .orgs we’ve never heard of and couldn’t care less about? Like E.A.R. (Earwax Anxiety Relief). Sure hope this isn’t a real one. But I guess it’s too late to check now.

Summer is an excellent time to look around and see where you could spread a little sunshine and some green. Oxfam America, International Rescue Committee, Good Weave, Doctors Without Borders, UNICEF and Kiva are some of my personal favorites. And there are at least a million other absolutely inspirational organizations that are effectively working on solutions to local, national and international challenges. Giving to any of them makes YOU (and any entitled kid you want to inspire) part of the solution. Find out who’s doing what and support their efforts. Start your search here.

Warning: Giving can become habit-forming, but in a healthy way. And think about it, do you really need more stuff or might you be in the market for some good karma points?

PS When I finished writing this on Friday, I saw a web ad for the July 15th AIDS WALK San Francisco. “Great timing! ” I thought. Within 30 minutes I had signed up to be captain of Team BeTheChange and sent out an email asking friends/family to support the fundraising efforts. Our goal is $500. As of this moment, we’ve got $375 in pledges!

UPDATE: Current funds raised- $425! Thank you to those who’ve pitched in. If you haven’t yet, you can support Team BeTheChange until Sunday July 15th.

FINAL UPDATE: Team BeTheChange raised $625 for AIDS Walk SF. Thanks to everyone who supported the cause!

Filed under: Bing Summer of Doing,Parenting,Teaching Kids To Be Good People — Tags: charity, donating, giving, Parenting, philanthropy — Annie @ 3:00 am

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School Climate: Changing the forecast by raising EQ (Emotional Intelligence)

June 27, 2012

The following is an excerpt from the keynote speech I delivered yesterday at the 18th Annual Character Education Conference in St. Louis.

Showing we care is a good thing

We are human and by definition that means we are vulnerable. Unlike any other creatures, we are aware of our own mortality and so we experience worry and grief. We also know the joys of working together and supporting each other. We celebrate. We nurture. We protect. Because we can be so loving, we sometimes suffer rejection and loss. We trust. We open up and give of ourselves, and sometimes we feel betrayed.

In Teen World, aggressive anger is OK, but real vulnerability, are you kidding me? Teens get clear messages from peers to stay away from vulnerable emotions… especially in public. If you are hurt, don’t show it. If you are disappointed, don’t show it. If you love someone, don’t show it. Slip up and let some vulnerability bleed through the veneer and you are a baby. A wuss. A wimp. You are a pathetic loser.

Wrong! I am a human being.

Teaching kids to be good people means helping them understand and accept the broad spectrum of human emotions. Being afraid is not a cause for shame. Tears are no less acceptable than laughter. It’s all part of the package. If my tears are an honest expression of sadness, grief, joy, why should I hide them from you. Or be embarrassed in front of you?

We are mistaken when we buy into the notion that vulnerability is weakness. Our strength comes from our vulnerability. This may seem counter-intuitive since the word vulnerable derives from the Latin vulnere (meaning “to wound”) A wounded individual is hardly at her strongest, but I see emotions in a different light. Our feelings are our most authentic responses to life. If I am hurt, I cry. If someone is with me, my tears are likely to remind him of sadness he has felt. By responding to me, he acknowledges his own humanity. But if he mocks my tears or tries to push them aside, that indicates he is afraid to respond with compassion. Afraid to show how he has been touched. That he holds himself back from experiencing his full humanity makes me want to reach out and teach, because he is in desperate need of an education.

Unless we can embrace the vulnerable emotions underneath the Anger Lid, it is impossible for us to reach our full human potential. When we feel hurt and choose instead to plaster over our vulnerability with indifference, cool detachment or social aggression, we build walls between us. But if, instead, we are willing to honor our vulnerability, then we can strengthen our connections to other people. Isn’t that exactly what we’re trying to teach our students by creating positive school climates? When we recognize on a deep level that we all experience the same emotions, how can we not empathize with each other? How can we help but reach out in friendship to a person who needs a friend?

Schools that encourage kids to be humane graduate people of good character who are also, good judges of character. When it comes to how we treat each other, the graduates of those schools, have learned to set the bar very high for themselves and for their peers.

Filed under: Cruel's Not Cool,Parenting — Tags: bullying, character education, education, keynote speech, School Climate, St. Louis — Annie @ 4:12 am

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The facts – and the rest of the story

June 10, 2012

Sad news. Our sweet Josie dog died yesterday. She was just 3. We still can’t really believe it, but they say facts never lie. In this case, I wish they would.

Josie was fine yesterday morning. After breakfast we went on a hike and as was her custom, she went off for a bit on her own on the trail, then came back to us when we called. She was fine. Happy. We finished the hike and walked back home. Within moments of our being back in the house, she began having seizures. We had no idea what was going on. It had never happened before. We called our vet and were directed to the emergency animal hospital in San Rafael. We carried her into the car. David drove and I held her in my arms in the back seat, the whole time comforting her while she kept having seizure after seizure. I thought, “She’s not going to be able to take much more of this.”

About 10 minutes into the ride, she had yet another seizure. But this time, her legs, which had been rigid throughout, when limp. At first I thought the worst had passed. She had relaxed and it was easy to believe she was napping. But something told me she wasn’t, and I said to David, “I think she just died.”

Five minutes later we were at the vet hospital. Two doctors came to the car. They confirmed what we already knew. Their best guess from our description was that she had ingested something poisonous and very very toxic. Even if we had gotten her there 10 minutes earlier, they could not have done anything. We’ll never know what she ate.

Anyway, that’s what happened yesterday. The facts as we know them.

David and I are very sad, but we’re ok. The rest of the story is what I learned from having Josie as my friend:

Encountering humans is a cause for celebration. It makes any moment better. And often, when you show those people how happy you are to see them (even if you’ve never met before) you brighten their day too.

Sitting and observing helps you get the bigger picture. You never know when you might have a chance to be helpful, so keep looking.

Being outside is always a gift. Take the opportunity whenever it’s offered. The natural world (backyard, neighborhood, hills, creeks, forest, beach) is filled with indescribable wonders. To be out there in it, taking it all in with eyes, ears and nose wide open… is to be alive. At least once a day get up from the computer and go for a walk, a run, or a hike. Do.

Play is essential. Anyone who wants to play with you is, by definition, a friend. The game itself doesn’t need rules… though it often involves a ball. Sometimes it’s simply a game of chase with no special requirements, except the spirit of fun you bring to it.

Sticks are cool, though no one is sure why. Holding a good smooth stick while you walk along a trail can make you feel like a top dog.

Having a family that loves you is the best feeling there is. Knowing you belong with them and they are there to take care of you and keep you safe, helps you relax. Relaxed and happy, you are your best self, which inspires others to be happy too. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

Thank you, Josie. Up, up, up!

Josie

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: death of a pet, dogs, Josie — Annie @ 2:39 pm

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Friendship issues from the 5th grade

May 8, 2012

After a brief hiatus (due to an Autism Awareness Month blog and a review of the new documentary Bully), here is Part 4 of a 5-part series on elementary school friendship issues. If you’re new to this series and you want to help the kids in your life deal with peer conflicts and bullying, please check out the previous segments: Friendship issues from the 2nd grade, the 3rd grade, and the 4th grade) For those of you with kids or students in 5th-8th grade, you might want to check out my Middle School Confidential™ book and apps series. It’s all about helping kids value themselves and learning the difference between Real Friends and the Other Kind. If you love a 4-8 year old, check out my picture book: Are You My Friend?

Now to the 5th graders questions:

How do you know someone is your friend? + 7 other similarly worded questions.

It’s a great question because you can’t tell just from looking at someone or maybe not even from knowing them for a little while. So how can you tell when someone is a real friend or a fake friend? To answer this question, I asked my best friend, my husband David. Without hesitation he said, “By the way the person treats you!” Excellent answer! I agree. If you are wondering whether your friend is the real kind, there’s probably something going on that makes you uncertain about the friendship. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be asking the question. Aside from looking at your friend’s behavior, there’s another piece to figuring out if someone is a true friend or not, and that has to do with the way you feel when you’re with that friend. If you feel relaxed, safe, respected, accepted, listened to and comfortable enough to “be yourself,” then chances s/he is a real friend. Make sure that you are a real friend too!

If your friend is telling secrets, what should you do? There is no rule that says friends must tell each other everything. People are allowed to keep things to themselves if they choose to. But I get the sense from your question that you feel your friend is talking about you, behind your back, in unkind ways. If you know this for sure then you should talk to your friend about it. Choose a private place (you don’t need an audience) and tell your friend what you’ve heard and how it makes you feel. Get to the bottom of what’s going on. That’s what friends do.

A girl bullies me all the time. She just got glasses and people are making fun of her. Should I stick up for her? You’ve got a good heart and you know how it feels to be teased and bullied. It makes you uncomfortable watching it happen to other people. You know that standing up for her is the right thing to do. It’s also the right thing to stand up for yourself the very next time she bullies you. Who knows? This may be the beginning of a great new friendship!

If a really cool person is really nice to you, but mean to other people, should you be their friend or not? It sounds like you may be a bit confused about what it means to be “really cool”. Truly “cool” people are not mean… to anyone! I can tell that you are “cool” because you have noticed this mean behavior and it obviously bothers you. When we notice things like this and we feel uncomfortable, it’s time to ask “What am I going to do about this?” I understand that the mean behavior isn’t directed at you, but let that uncomfortable feeling guide you in the direction of doing the right thing. The right thing to do, the “really cool” thing to do, is to stand up for the people who are being treated badly.

Why do other people feel like they have to bully people?? Such a great question to think about! There is no one “correct” answer, but sometimes, when we feel hurt, or jealous, we can get so angry we feel like hurting someone. When most of us feel that angry, we try to control ourselves, calm down and think things through. If we need to talk to someone about what just happened, then we can do that. Choosing to talk instead of retaliate (attack back), takes maturity. Sometimes it’s a challenge to have that level of self-control and maturity. Sometimes we might not even be aware that we are bullying other people. That’s why it’s so very important, whenever someone is disrespectful to you or anyone else, to speak up. That’s the first step in reducing the amount of bullying in schools.

If a person you’ve known for a really long time (and was your only friend for a while) now starts acting like you can’t have any other friends and is being mean, what should you do? Your friend’s “meanness” may be coming from the fact that s/he is afraid of losing you. Your friend cares about you and wants to spend all their time with you, but the mean behavior is pushing you away. Exactly the opposite of what your friend wants! You need to talk with your friend ASAP. Because you two have known each other for such a long time, hopefully you can be honest with each other. Tell your friend that the meanness is not OK and reassure your friend that just because you want to spend time every now and then with other friends, doesn’t mean you don’t care about the friendship. You do!

A new kid from another country is being bullied because she can’t speak English. If you don’t even know her, should you stick up for her? I think you already know the answer to this question. The answer is YES! This girl needs a friend badly. Someone who can help her feel comfortable at school. Think about what a HUGE change it must be to leave home and travel to another country, to a new school where she knows no one, and is now surrounded by people speaking a language she doesn’t understand. That takes a lot of courage and a lot of getting used to. Please do whatever you can to be kind to this girl. Not only will you be helping her and showing her how friendly and welcoming American students can be, you will gain a new friend and learn wonderful new things about her culture.

What if someone is mad and ignoring you for something you didn’t do? It sounds like there was a misunderstanding that needs clearing up. That can only happen when you two talk to each other. I understand that right now this person is “ignoring” you and you can’t have a conversation with someone who isn’t talking! I suggest you write this person a note. You might say something like this, “I know you are mad at me, but there’s been a mistake. I would like to talk to you. How about during lunch?” Then find the person at lunch time and talk about it calmly and respectfully. Hopefully, this person will listen to what you have to say and in return, you will get to hear their side of the story. (There are always at least two sides to every story.)

Friend A is having a party. She invited everyone except Friend B. Friend B found out and she is mad at me for wanting to go. Will she ever be my friend again? Should I go? I need to go so I can be popular. Is it worth it? Of course you have the right to go to the party. But you can probably understand why Friend B is upset that a) she didn’t get invited and b) you did and c) you want to go without her! Going to the party may not be a big deal in terms of your friendship with Friend B. There is a chance that after the party, the friendship is as strong as ever. But on the other hand, what you say about “I need to go to the part so I can be popular.” makes me wonder if the Popularity Game is more important to you than your friendship with Friend B. That’s something you may want to think about. People who dump friends because they aren’t “popular enough” often find themselves without real friends.

If you’re shy, how do you make new friends? Everyone is shy is certain situations, but I want you to know that you’ve already got what it takes to make friends. Instead of thinking of yourself as “shy” maybe it would be more helpful to say to yourself “I’m a great kid. I like people. And when I give people a chance to get to know me, they like me too.” To give yourself more opportunities to meet new people this summer, you might want to get involved in some activities you enjoy. Right from the first day, you’ve got at least one thing in common with every other person in the group. So think about what you enjoy doing (sports, art, music, photography, animation, computers, hiking, nature, science, etc.) and find out what opportunities your school or community offers for kids your age. Good luck!

If your friend starts bullying you and also lying, how can your tell them nicely that you do not want to be their friend anymore because they were mean and bullied you? You tell your friend you want to talk. You find a private place where you can have a conversation without being spied on or interrupted. Then you take some slow deep breaths to calm yourself. When you are calm, you respectfully say this, “The way you have been treating me is not the way a real friend acts. I’m taking a vacation from this friendship.” That’s it. If your friend has something to say then be respectful and listen. You might hear an apology. You might hear excuses. You might even hear “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Bottom line, you know how it has felt to be in this friendship recently. If you want “out”… then that is your right. You should never put up with disrespectful treatment from a friend or anyone else.

If your BFF tells you to do something you don’t think is right and if you don’t do it your BFF won’t be friends with you, is she worth it? Should I do it? Should I just let her go? Anyone who pressures you to do something that you know isn’t right, is not a real friend. Real friends respect your values. Real friends do not threaten you to get their own way. You already know that going against what’s right is not “worth it.” Tell your friend where you stand and see what happens. You may actually convince her that what she’s considering isn’t right for her either. In that way, you might be turning her negative peer pressure into positive peer pressure! That would be a good thing for a friend to do!

How can you tell when someone wants to be your friend and then doesn’t want to be your friend any more? and this one What if your friends with someone but they keep doing mean things to you but at other times there nice. Should we still be friends or not?

A real friend respects, accepts and appreciates you. Friendship should be based on mutual (2-way) respect, honesty, trust, open-communication and shared values. That doesn’t change. Real friendship isn’t like a water faucet that can be turned on and off. If the person you’re talking about changes their mind about wanting to be your friend or changes the way they treat you, it may be hard to trust that person and to count on them. And without trust, friendship can not going to grow in a healthy direction.

What can you do if you had 2 groups and they didn’t get along? and this one If you had 2 groups o friends that you thought wouldn’t come together well, how would you merge your 2 groups together. It would be nice if everyone got along but you can’t make that happen by yourself. Putting yourself in the middle with the feeling that it is your job to make these 2 groups get along is just going to stress you out. It isn’t your job to make everyone happy. Not every separate group has to be “merged” into one group. The simplest solution is to spend some of your time with Group A and some other time with Group B.

If you have friends over and you don’t invite someone and they find out what do you do? That’s an awkward situation. There is no easy answer here. It sounds like you might not feel as close to the person you didn’t invite as you do to your other friends. That’s OK. That’s normal. We don’t feel equally close to everyone we know. But coming right out and saying that is unkind. When the person who wasn’t invited asked you why, all you can do is apologize and say “I’m sorry you were disappointed.” That’s the truth. I know some people might encourage you to make up a convenient excuse like “I could only invite 4 people and you were #5.” But I wouldn’t suggest that because this situation is probably going to come up again and you’ll have to keep inventing fake excuses. No fun! In life, we choose our friends and sometimes other people get left out because we don’t consider them to be close friends. Sometimes you are the one not inviting and sometimes you are the one who doesn’t get invited. It’s not always ‘fair’, but that’s the way it is. Hopefully, we can each find our own group of friends who wants to invite us places. Those are our real friends.

What if you want to be friends with a person but every time you try to be their friend they do something to make you not want to? Why would you continue trying to be friends with someone who clearly doesn’t treat you with the respect you deserve? My advice, stop knocking on that door. You deserve better treatment than that! And can get it because there are plenty of other people who know how to be a good friend. Knock on those doors instead.

What do you do if your friend does something wrong, but you’re afraid your friend will get mad if you tell on him/her? If what your friend did is hurtful to other people or dangerous to himself, then it’s important for you to talk to an adult. Why? Because it sounds like your friend needs to learn that this isn’t OK. When the message comes from an adult, often kids pay more attention than if another kid tells them. And if you tell, you’re right, your friend might get mad at you… but if you stay silent when someone does something wrong, then you are allowing it to continue when you could have done something to stop it. Do the right thing!