Teaching Kids To Be Good People | Annie Fox's Blog

What is a gift?

December 2, 2013

Let there be light and laughter and love

Most of us don’t remember what our nearest and dearest gave us last year for a holiday gift. (Unless it was nada when we expected mucho. In that case we’ve still got those hurt feelings to cherish always.) We probably can’t remember what we gave them either!

We’re wired to remember how we feel. What was in the box… not so much. So why spend all the time and money stressing about, shopping for, then wrapping and delivering stuff for the most precious people on our list? Because we love them!

If we could, we’d show our love with every interaction. If we could, we’d tell our kids, “My life is enriched beyond measure because you are my child. I am grateful for my relationship with you. I love teaching you and learning from you. I understand who you are and I respect your uniqueness. All that you bring to this family is precious to me.”

Unfortunately we don’t know how to say any of that, so instead we give them stuff. And sometimes, when carefully chosen, the material gifts we give actually manage to transcend their innate stuffness.

When I was 15 my mother gave me a guitar for Chanukah. She’d “purchased” it with thousands of saved up S & H Green Stamps. Mom seemed to know exactly what my soul would respond to and her gift led me to new realms of self-expression and self-discovery. Playing music and singing became such a part of my identity that as a 22-year old teacher’s aide, my students presented me with a birthday cake in the shape of a guitar.

Curious about other peoples’ experiences, I asked a few folks to describe a very special gift they received as a child:

“When I was 9 my Dad & Mom gave me my first bike. I was so touched and happy because we had just moved and I knew times were very difficult for them. My first car was not as exciting.” R.C.

“When I was 5 my parents gave me a box of new crayons, which I enjoyed so much, lying on the floor coloring by the warm fireplace.” A.M.

“When I saw and smelled my first magnolia blossom I asked my parents if we could get a magnolia tree. They bought me one and as a family we planted it together in the yard. I now live 3,000 miles away from my parents’ home, but I still love to “visit” the magnolia tree whenever I’m there.” T.R.

“When I was a teen, my parents gave me a wooden box that looked like a pirate treasure chest. I think it held something that was supposed to be the real present, but I’ve long since forgotten what. But the box itself immediately became my favorite repository for special keepsakes. I’ve passed it on to my daughter who quickly put it to the same use. It gives me a happy glow to see it on her bookshelf.” N.F.

At the start of this gift-giving season, talk to your kids about what’s most important to each of you. Share your own stories about special gifts you’ve received. Think about ways your family can help others either locally and/or globally. Plan special time together – the best gift of all.

When you give, remember that your gift is an opportunity to show your deep understanding of and appreciation for the recipient. Gift-giving is all about love. Love is the gift. And if you choose wisely, something in a box may go straight to the heart.

Enjoy... in joy

Filed under: Holidays,Mindfulness,Parenting,Teaching Kids To Be Good People — Tags: Holiday gift-giving — Annie @ 10:15 am

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I want what she’s got!

November 21, 2013

The following post is an excerpt from my latest parenting book, Teaching Kids to Be Good People. You can read all of Chapter 1 right here.

Life, bring on the lemons!

Ever been up close and personal with a lemon tree and noticed how cool they are? I never had until I moved to California. Now I’ve got my own dwarf Meyer lemon and I can tell you that tree is an underrated miracle of nature. Right now, November 21st, it’s got teeny flower buds, heavenly smelling blossoms, baby green fruit, and ripe golden orbs, all at the same time. On a cosmic level, the lemon tree is constantly manifesting its entire life cycle, simultaneous living its past, present, and future! How cool is that?

One might assume straddling the time-space continuum causes internal conflict for the tree. Like maybe an undeveloped puny green guy eyes a juicy yellow beauty and gripes, “Damn! How come I’m not more mature?” Or some blossom whose petals flap in the wind, whines about how unfair it is that she’s no longer taut and firm like that sweet young bud over there. But noooo. The tree has evolved to a point where no phase of life is any better or worse than another. In the realm of lemon trees, there are no complaints, only total acceptance. What is, is. Lemon embraces all of it with equal acceptance and grace.

We humans on the other hand are hardwired for complaining. Even (maybe especially) those of us who have pretty soft lives compared to most folks on the planet. Adults often evaluate things in terms of what’s “wrong.” So how surprising is it that our kids frequently complain? The older they get, the more likely we are to find fault in what they do or fail to do! In addition to what we’re teaching them through negative modeling, teens are already incredibly judgmental. After all, they’re grappling with some key questions of their own:

Am I cool enough? Am I hot enough? Am I good enough?

The less confident they feel (from their own self-doubt and from the feedback piled on by their “friends” and parents), the more likely they are to complain. The more they complain, the more we complain about their complaining. Ugh.

Now I’m not advocating an all- Zen-all-the-time approach to living, where we make damn sure we never find fault with anything. That’s too tough to be practical. Besides there are certain situations that are inherently faulty. Like when the cottage cheese has gone off. No amount of Ohmmming is going to make me smile when I lift that lid and get a whiff. So yeah, life serves up plenty of unacceptable tidbits. When you’ve got one, just do something about it. Complaining is never a prerequisite for action. Nor is it a substitute.

When a family member presents us with something unacceptable, rather than exploding and losing control of mind and mouth, try this instead: “This cell phone bill of $1,000 is unacceptable. You will pay this, not me.” That’s not a complaint. That’s a simple directive. When we whine less and fill our sentences with more verbs (calls to action), we might get more cooperation and less complaining from our kids. At the same time, we are teaching them that a positive attitude helps us deal with life’s inconveniences more effectively than complaints.

On that positive note, I want to report that last week I picked all the ripe lemons from the tree and made lemon marmalade. Not to complain or anything, either the recipe was wrong or I misread it. Either way, the results were . . . uh . . . not edible. Fortunately the tree’s still got plenty of green babies. In another month or so, I’ll take another shot at it.

Filed under: Annie's Books,Mindfulness,Parenting,Teaching Kids To Be Good People,Tips — Tags: Parenting Advice, parenting tips, Raising teens, Teaching Kids To Be Good People — Annie @ 10:18 am

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Holiday stress is coming to town

November 14, 2013

It’s Day 14 of National Novel Writing Month. For those of you outside of my family who are interested, as of this morning I hit 24,684 words toward my goal of 50K by Nov. 30th. (SFX of CHEERS) For all you fictionists… fictionaries? BS artists? Write on, comrades!

To free myself from blogging this month, I’m reaching into my archives for oldies but goodies. Found this one (SFX of DUST BLOWING off stack of yellowed pages)

Holidaze? It’s About Time

Hey, kids! What time is it?

Recently my Christmas cactus awoke from its summer stupor, which can only mean the holidays are racing up the front steps soon to lean heavily on my doorbell. If that sentence triggered a stress response, I apologize and feel your heart palpitations. Holiday stress is very real especially if you’re anything like me when I’m on a quest for the perfect gift, the perfect turkey-brining recipe, the perfect holiday.

But, wait! My handy dictionary defines holiday as: “a day taken off for leisure and enjoyment.” Who was this Noah Webster dude anyway? Obviously he never shopped, hit an ATM, circled a packed parking lot for the fourth time, polished, cleaned, cooked, served, or stared bleary eyed into a packed fridge wondering where three more containers of leftovers could possibly fit.

Before we write-off Webster please note that in a perfect world holidays are meant to be a pleasant break in routine for you and your loved ones – well-deserved time to de-stress and appreciate being part of a family. Who knew?

As a family, we celebrated an unscheduled holiday in January 1996 when a tremendous windstorm roared through our neck of the woods, knocking out the power. No school, no computers, no work. We gathered around the fireplace bundled in blankets as I read aloud from a giant book of obscure folktales. We paused at crucial plot points and guessed what would happen next. We acted out alternative endings. We played Crazy Eights by candlelight. We roasted marshmallows and shared memories from childhood. We ate outrageous ice cream sundaes for breakfast. Hey, we couldn’t just let all that Chunky Monkey melt, could we?

During that long blackout we depended on each other for warmth, comfort, entertainment, and connection. And we had a blast. Five days later when the lights went back on, we all felt a little sad.

21st Century parents and kids need family to provide a place to de-stress. Don’t think your kids are stressed? Here are typical responses I get when I ask kids “What does the word ‘stress’ mean to you?”

“A kinda mind overload.”
“Pressure and lots of responsibility on your hands.”
“Overwhelmed and overworked.”
“…a lot of stuff that I have to do like homework, chores and other things a girl my age should not be stressing about. If I have to do all those things in ONE day I would just pass out. It’s too much pressure!!!!”
“A tax on your soul.”

Heart breaking, huh? And those are from 11-13 year olds!

Most things in this world are constantly changing but our unconditional love for kids isn’t one of them. We hurt when we see our kids so freaked out and wound up, but what can we do? We can’t stop the world, but we can slow down our own little corner and bring the family in closer. Don’t believe your kids want to hang out with you? Probably not all the time. And be honest. You wouldn’t want to hang out with them all the time either! But they do want to spend time with you. Especially when you show them that you really enjoy being with them.

If everyone’s schedule is already packed and you just don’t see how you’re going to create a regular Family Time then I suggest you sit down with your kids and talk about the daily pressures each of you deals with. Discuss how spending time as a family can actually help you all stress less. Unplug the media for one night a week and do something you can enjoy together: Make a meal, work on a project, play a game, go for a hike, make music, dance, look at old family photos or videos, tell stories, read stories, laugh, relax.

Try it and you may get the same bonus our family got when the storm blew out the power… the gift of time, which is the first step to reclaiming the heart of your family during the holiday season and year round.

Filed under: Holidays,Parenting,Teaching Kids To Be Good People,Technology — Tags: family time, unplugging — Annie @ 1:19 pm

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When kids get the “Gimmes” give them a chance to give

November 11, 2013

Teaching kids to be good people includes encouraging them to “Share” and “Think of others.” All good, but it’s tough to compete with billions of ad dollars bombarding our children with other encouraging words, like: “Get Mom/Dad to buy you this stuff!”

It’s a hard row. So whenever I discover a project that can nudge a kid’s needle in the direction of Giving vs Getting I do what I can to get the word out.

Houses for Change is one of those gem projects. Check out my interview with Mark Wasserman, founder and director of Houses for Change, an award-winning educational crafts project for kids to raise awareness of homelessness and raise funds to help homeless families. It is a national campaign that answers the question, “What can I do to help?” This is a brilliantly simple idea with easy peasy implementation which teaches kids about philanthropy and the power each of us has to do good in the world. We’re all onboard for that kind of education, right?