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October 18, 2013
 It's right there and it's already yours If doing the right thing were easy it would be called A Day at the Beach. Instead it’s call social courage and it’s often missing in action when we need it. Why is that? Because we’re as wired for peer approval as we are for empathy. If your gut says you ought to stand up for the underdog or for tolerance but your peeps aren’t into that stuff, you’re going to feel stuck. You might wonder: “Do I shut up and play it safe? (Those who don’t try, never look foolish.) Or should I speak up and risk ridicule (or worse)?”
If you’ve ever had someone regale you with offensive jokes, maybe you’ve experienced this dilemma. I have. And while the guy across the table blithely displayed his racism, sexism and homophobia, I mentally screamed my righteous indignation. But did I say anything to Mr. I. M. A. Jerk? Nope. Chickened out. Kept my mouth shut. And felt deeply ashamed of myself for weeks.
Like I said, sometimes it’s hard for adults to do the right thing. Imagine how much harder it can be for kids.
Like this 6th grader:
Hey Terra, When I’m with my friends I don’t behave. And even though I don’t want to act cool and kinda mean, I have no other choice! I don’t wanna be with them any more. But if I leave to be with nicer girls, they’ll call me names like “You’re a user.” HELP! —Maggie
Dear Maggie,
I can tell you are a good-hearted person because you are bothered by the way your friends are acting. You don’t feel right being mean. Your self-awareness is your friend. It’s your Inner Voice. Listen closely and it can guide you in the direction of being a good person.
I understand it’s scary to leave one group and go to another. Especially if you’re worried that your old friends may turn their meanness on you! That might happen. And it might not. But what are your choices? If you stay with these girls and continue to doing things to hurt other people you’ll add to the bullying and meanness in your school. Your school already has plenty of that social garbage and doesn’t need any more. Also, if you stick with these friends you will lose respect for yourself. You don’t ever want to lose that.
On the other hand, if you leave this group to be with “nicer” girls, you will add to what is good about your school. You’ll feel happier and more relaxed. You’ll feel proud of yourself.
The choice is yours. Good luck!
In friendship,
Terra
See Day 21 of the Kindness and Respect Challenge
October 16, 2013
 Rebecca Sedwick (2001-2013) (See UPDATES below) Last month I wrote about Rebecca Sedwick, a 12 year old Florida girl who jumped to her death from the tower of an abandoned cement factory. Rebecca apparently couldn’t imagine another way to end the online harassment she’d suffered for months.
I desperately want to believe that adults who knew Rebecca would have supported her and effectively stopped her tormentors, if only they had known. But she didn’t feel supported. And the tormentors weren’t stopped. Was it because not one adult knew anything about what was going on all that time? I find it hard to imagine that one child in so much pain and a group of other children with so much hate-fueled energy could escape the notice of all the adults around them. But I guess it’s possible. We’re all so busy and kids are pretty good at hiding stuff they don’t want us to know about. But still…
BullyPolice.org, a well-respected watchdog organization that advocates for bullied children and reports on states’ anti-bullying laws, gives Florida an A++ rating. Great work, Florida. Laws change behavior. And yet, at least in this case, the law didn’t deter a group of children from maliciously harassing another child. I could be wrong, but because the cyberbullying took place in public over a period of months, I assume some adults knew who was involved.
According to the AP, Florida’s newly amended cyberbullying law “leaves punishment up to the school, but law enforcement can seek criminal charges.” I don’t know if any kids were disciplined by the school or their parents, but on Monday two girls, a 12 and a 14 year old, were arrested and charged with felony aggravated stalking. The 12 year old was once Rebecca’s friend. The 14 year old allegedly posted this on Facebook last Saturday: “Yes ik [I know] I bullied REBECCA nd she killed her self but IDGAF [I don’t give a (expletive)]”
This toxic social garage stinks to high heaven. It’s now so typical it’s not really even news any more. In case you haven’t guessed, I’m disheartened. Which means I’m at risk for becoming desensitized to this cruelty. But I’m not going to let that happen. I can’t.
So I read some of the comments posted about this case. Many folks indicated that the girls were “just mean.” Meaning what? That cruelty is their nature and it can’t be changed, so why bother? These are kids, dammit. We are the adults. They learn from us. If we’ve taught them not to “give a bleep” about anyone but themselves, then we’ve got to teach them something else. Otherwise we’re all bleeped.
Check out Day 17 of the Kindness and Respect Challenge
UPDATE: April 8, 2014 AP reports on Rebecca Sedwick’s case file.
UPDATE: November 21, 2013 Charges dropped against the girls in Rebecca Sedwick bullying case
October 15, 2013
Many of the messes we make could be avoided if we first hit PAUSE and thought about things from the other guy’s point of view. Same goes for the messes other people create that we get slimed by. But taking the time to stop a think rarely happens in social interactions. Instead we (re)act thoughtlessly (ie. without thinking) and do stupid, hurtful things to each other. Things that often offend, embarrass and alienate the same people we’d really like to get closer too.
 Woah! Back off! Great example of un-intentional disrespect comes from this 13 year old girl:
Hey Terra,
There’s this guy I’ve had a crush on for about a week. I’m not sure, but I think he likes me. My friend and I made up a great plan that on Friday before the bell, I will quickly hug and kiss him on the lips like in a movie. I get so happy when I think of it. I am just scared that if I do he will not like me or pull away when I am kissing him. What do you think? Good idea or not?
Dear QTPie,
It’s super exciting to daydream about hugging and kissing your crush. It probably makes your heart all squishy just to picture it in your mind. You’re free to imagine whatever you like. But in real life when a plan involves someone else, it’s important to think about their feelings.
The “surprise kiss” you are planning is not a good idea. You and your friend probably thought of it because you like this boy so much you want to make something romantic happen right away. But this isn’t just about what you want. The boy has his own thoughts and feelings. You’re assuming he wants to be kissed by you. An assumption like that can get you into big trouble!
Try to think about it this way: How would you feel if some guy who you didn’t know very well just grabbed you and hugged and kissed you on the lips in front of a bunch of people? That would be so disrespectful! You’d probably get angry or embarrassed… or both. And that’s probably how this boy will feel if you surprise him with a kiss.
I strongly suggest you rethink your plan. It’s not respectful. It’s also not likely to get you what you really want… a closer connection with your crush. Relationships take time so that trust and respect has a chance to grow.
I hope this helps.
In friendship,
Terra
October 14, 2013
At the start of middle school my best friend ditched me for a popular new girl. Confusion turned to shock, hurt and then anxiety when Popular Girl got my ex-BFF (and pretty much the rest of the class) to turn against me. They teased me, started rumors, blamed me for stuff. I was drowning in a sea of social garbage with no clue what to do to help myself.
 Getting to know you... and myself When our teacher announced we were putting on The King and I, Popular Girl and ex-BFF let all the girls know they had the two female leads sewn up and no one else need apply. Despite their mind-games, I tried out for the lead role of Anna. Looking back, that took guts… and stupidity. Oh, I knew I could sing (though no one else did at that point), and I had confidence in my acting ability, but I also knew none of it mattered because the other students would be “voting” on the cast. Screw ability, it was going to be a popularity contest. I didn’t have a chance.
We each auditioned for the roles we wanted. Then we all voted. By some twist of fate, I got the lead.
Playing “I” in the King and I provided life-altering education. For the first time, I found something I could do well that transported me into someone else’s life. And through my performance I could take an audience along with me. Magic! So began my life-long passion for theater. And since Anna was a teacher, it may also have started me thinking about the delights of working with children. The role was challenging and joyful, but dealing with the off-stage drama in class was very hard.
Thank goodness for Rudyard Kipling. He was another part of 6th grade that’s still with me because our teacher required us to memorize and recite Kipling’s, If. Line after line that poem served as my life-preserver during that Year of Social Garbage.
That’s why, whenever I get emails from girls and guys suffering at the hands of enemies, friends and “fren-emies” I think of this bit of wisdom from Kipling:
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs, and blaming it on you.
Or this:
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or this:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise
Today’s challenge… keep your head about you.
Check out Day 15 of the Kindness and Respect Challenge
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