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October 27, 2014
 My days as a pumpkin are over. Now I’m just a squash. The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship blog tour bus pulled up in front of EncouragePlay.com. On the front porch, beside a carved-too-early Jack-o-lantern, former school counselor, Janine Halloran and I enjoyed fresh pumpkin muffins and apple cider. Then she threw me this tricky question from a former student:
“I have a bad reputation in school for being mean but I’d like to change it. How can I do that?”
Janine: What would you say to that girl?
Annie: It sounds like you now understand how your reputation grew from your not being careful with other people’s feelings. I’m really proud of you for realizing you are responsible for your behavior and that you want to start making better choices. The first step is to apologize to everyone you knowingly hurt with your words and your actions (online and off). Talk to each person separately. (This might take a while and it might not be an easy conversation to have, but you can do it!)
To each person, you might say something like this, “I’m very sorry for what I did to you. It was mean and I want to apologize.” Then close your mouth and listen to what the person says. They may still be angry with you for things you did. (And they may have a right to be angry!) Please try to stay calm and not to get angry back. Just listen to what they have to say. You may learn a lot from what you hear. Even if the person is so surprised by your apology that he or she doesn’t know what to say, that’s OK. You have given them something to think about. You might just leave it at that… Or you might add this: “I’m trying to be a nicer person. I hope you give me a chance to prove it.”
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What experiences have you had trying to get people to see you in a new way?
October 25, 2014
This question was asked of me on my current Girls’ Q&A Book blog tour, by Deborah McNelis, educator and founder of Brain InSights.
Deborah: Is there an aspect of friendships that you find to be most common from girls?
Annie: Yes! A common thread weaves its way through most girl friendship conflicts and makes girls feel trapped in uncomfortable peer relationships. It’s a misconception many girls have about their role in a friendship– a bizarre assumption that: “If I speak up for myself in a friendship, I am not being a good friend.” This creates huge problems for girls because when they are upset, they need to express themselves effectively and appropriately to their friend. (Talking behind her back doesn’t count as effective communication!)
Because girls are often unwilling and/or unable to initiate those necessary conversations, they feel miserable and complete stuck in their misery. They believe a “good friend” should never tell a friend something negative because then she will hurt the friend’s feelings. And that’s mean. So, if I, Annie, am hurt by something my bff Deborah did, I can not tell her, otherwise I will not be a good friend. But Deborah is not a mind reader. If I stay silent, Deborah has no way of knowing how I feel. My silence will, in fact, send the message that it is OK for her to continue treating me badly, even though it is not OK! My silence also leaves me feeling upset and powerless, not realizing that I do have power to change my response to this situation.
There is no girls’ friendship drama that can’t be made WORSE… through staying silent, venting behind a friend’s back, or pretending things are just peachy. Since we’re here to help girls make things better, one way is to give them opportunities to talk things through with us parents and teachers. Another is to do actual role play with them to boost their confidence in having these honest conversations. And finally, it’s our job to help them realize that they are never without options for feeling better about themselves in any relationship.
Every Friday at #GirlDramaChat we discuss girls’ friendship challenges and smart strategies for teaching them compassion, respect, and social courage. Follow me @GirlDramaChat for updates.
 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship without the DRAMA
October 13, 2014
Let’s talk about reality. What is real? Girls’ friendship issues are real. So is the damage they can cause.
 The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship. Up with compassion and social courage. Down with social garbage. The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friends without the DRAMA is also real. I wrote it. Erica De Chavez illustrated it, brilliantly. And it’s now available in print and on Kindle. No Kindle? No problem. It can be downloaded and read beautifully on anything, except maybe a microwave. If you’re not in the US, you can get the book on whatever Amazon site you usually shop on. My desire to criss-cross the world helping girls with their friendship challenges is real. So is the need to reduce the social garbage kids slog through daily, online and off. My book can make things better for tweens and the adults who care about them. But alas, I had no budget for plane fares, hotels, food (and I do like to eat). Life is not virtual, but book tours can be. So… I got a virtual bus…
 Girls’ Q&A Book Blog Tour Bus. Fueled by good friendship strategies. Zero social garbage emissions. Last week I hit the virtual road answering real friendship questions and letting girls and parents and teachers know that when it comes to curtailing the spread of Mean Girl Disease, we can do better. Here’s my itinerary… Pop in any time. I hope to see you and your girls. And don’t worry about expired dates. I’m still there. Ah… the beauty of virtual existence.
December 10th>Deborah Gilboa’s blog at AskDrG.Com
December 5th>“What Really Matters” podcast at VickyandJen.com
November 19th>Amy Fortney Parks’ blog at Wise-EdServices.com
November 18>Sarah Newton’s blog at SarahNewton.org
November 13>Amy Jussel’s blog at ShapingYouth.org
November 7th>Nuala O’Hanlon’s blog at KeystoneCreations.com.au
November 5th>Megan Hunter’s blog at UnhookedMedia.com
November 3rd>Vicky Thornton and Jen Rehberger’s blog at VickyAndJen.blogspot.com
October 29th>Wendy Morelli’s blog at Tweenhood.ca
October 27th>Janine Hallorin’s blog at EncouragePlay.com
October 24th>Deborah McNelis’s blog at BrainInsights.blogspot.com
October 23rd>Beth Engleman’s blog at MommyOnAShoestring.com
October 20th>Jean Tracy’s blog at ParentingSkillsBlog.com
October 17th> Drawp blog at Drawp.it
October 16th> Louise Masin Sattler’s blog at LouiseSattler.me
October 15th> Beth Onufrak’s blog at DrBethKids.com
October 13th> Carl Grody’s blog at GrodyFamilyCounseling.com
October 13th> Wendy Young’s blog at Kidlutions.com
October 13th> Erin Harris’ blog at CrisisPrevention.com
October 10th> Sarah Newton’s blog at SarahNewton.com
October 10th> Dr. Amy Alamar’s blog at Parenting for the Genius
October 6th> Dr. Kimberly Palmiotto’s blog at Coastal Education Services
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If you have friendship questions, post them to COMMENTS and I’ll answer them here. No reason my own blog shouldn’t be part of the blog tour too!
September 9, 2014
This recent email has me vibrating with rage. I know. I know. I’m supposed to manage my destructive emotions. Take re-centering breaths and all that. But as a woman, a mom, and an educator, this one has me ready to strangle someone.
 I’m not going back there. Just read it and tell me what you think:
Hey Terra,
I just started freshman year and I have to take swim class. I have large breasts and the girls in the class make fun of me in the shower and in the pool. Today, while we were swimming, one girl went into my locker and stole my bra. I had to get dressed for my next class without a bra!! Do you have any idea how humiliated I felt walking around like that? Guys were staring at me and a few guys tried to touch my breasts! That’s what I had to go through for two whole periods until my mom came and brought me a bra. This is the first year of high school and I’m a joke already. All my friends are at another school so I’ve got no one who has my back. – Who Cares?
Before you read my answer, here’s my video response on Vidoyen:
How do we teach kids that cruel is not cool? posted by Annie Fox, M.Ed. on Vidoyen.
My Answer:
Dear Who Cares?
First, let me say that I care. A lot!
Second let me say… WOAH!!! What happened to you today is beyond awful. It is also totally unacceptable. For starters, shaming you about your body, having people stare at your breasts and try to touch you… all of this is sexual harassment and it’s against the law.
I understand how awful you feel, but please talk to your PE teacher ASAP! (That’s who runs the swimming class, right?) She or he (hopefully it’s a she) but either way, the PE teacher needs to know immediately what happened today. No way should any girl get away with going into your locker and stealing anything! But a girl stealing another girl’s bra… that’s so cruel I am actually seeing red. (That’s how angry I am right now.) And no boy should get away with trying to touch you without your permission! (Give me a break, guys. What idiot told you that’s ever OK?!)
I get that you might not want to talk about this, but you wrote to me for advice and I’m giving it to you. Talk to your mom right now. Get off the computer and talk to her. You think that “no one has your back.” Not true! Your mom has your back. She proved that today. She can help you. She wants to. If you were my daughter I would tell you this, “I am so sorry that this happened to you. My heart is breaking to hear about it. I know how humiliating this must have been! We need to work together, you and I, to make things better for you at school. Better for you with the girls in your gym class and better for you with those ignorant boys who bother you and made you feel even more uncomfortable when you walk down the hall. You need to let the school know what happened. If you feel you can call for this meeting on your own, then go for it. But if you need my support to call the school and set up a meeting with the PE teacher and the counselor and school administration, then I am here for you 1000%.”
Talk to your mom right now… before another day of school.
OK, sweetie?
In friendship,
Terra
If you or anyone you know, has had an experience involving sexual harassment or “body shaming” at school, I want to hear about it in the COMMENTS section. Thanks.
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