Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

For Parents: A Note to My Future Self

August 20, 2008

It was the end of yoga class and we had just finished svasana, my all-time favorite pose! For those who don’t speak Sanskrit, the translation is roughly: “stretched out on a folded blanket preferably with cushions under your head, knees and feet, chillin’ after spending the previous 90 minutes twisting, stretching and standing on your head while breathing consciously and trying to keep at bay all intrusive thoughts of life outside the yoga studio.” It’s called the corpse pose and it only looks easy.

When our teacher Laurel invited the bell, we 8 students brought our consciousness back into the room then slowly brought our bodies up to a seated position. In front of each of us was a yellow index card, a blank envelope and a pen.

Laurel said: “On your card, write today’s date. Then complete the following sentences:  I am letting go of _____________________ .

I am giving birth to ________________________________.”

For me the big draw of yoga and meditation has always been the promise of a ticket out of my Monkey Mind. That’s why I was surprised that Laurel seemed to want us to think and write.  But I totally trust her, so I completed the sentences. Then I sealed my card in a self-addressed envelope, handed it back to her and moved on to my next bit of mental madness.

5 months later the card showed up in my mail box. Because I wanted to play a joke on my future self,  I wrote “From a Friend”  in the return address. That, and the fact that the postmark was from Boston left me momentarily confused. What “friend” do I have in Boston??

Then I recognized my own handwriting and opened the envelope.

“March 24, 2008 – I am letting go of judgement of  myself, of situations, of other’s actions and reactions.  I am letting go of dualism. I am giving birth to the next level of my work.”

I’ve always been into setting goals, so I liked reading about giving birth to the next level of my work. Then the very next day (I swear this is true) I was notified that I had been selected to give a workshop at the annual Middle School Association Conference in Denver in November. This will be the first national venue I’ll be speaking at. The next level of my work? Could be. So maybe there’s something to be said about putting your aspirations out there while sitting on a sticky mat.

As for the letting go part, I’ve gotta be honest.  (Actually, I don’t have to be, ’cause you’d never know, but why the hell not?) Being judgmental and opinionated has always been my M.O.  It’s what I do. So it’s impossible to say that I’ve “let go” of even a micron of this tendency. But it can’t hurt to aspire to change, right? And the yellow index card sits right here on my desk here as a constant reminder to quit judging myself for still being so judgmental.

Well, here we are… almost September. If you took a minute to think about yourself and the way you are in the world… or the kind of relationship you want with your kids for this new school year, how might you complete these sentences?

I am letting go of __________________________.

I am giving birth to ______________________________.

Your thoughts?

Filed under: Announcements,Meditation,Parenting,Yoga — Tags: , — Annie @ 1:29 pm
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For Parents: You Can’t Unknow What You Know

August 11, 2008

I was really looking forward to tuning in to see if Michael Phelps would win his second Gold Medal of the 2008 Olympics as part of the 4×100 freestyle relay.  I knew the race was today, but I’m working on a deadline  and so we’ve got our TV recording it.  (I shouldn’t even be blogging right now but I’m on a break.  Honest!)

My plan was to block out any sports news so that later I could watch the race in blissful ignorance, pretending it was unfolding in real time, the same way we live our lives. But I’m a political junkie and I can’t stay offline for long. While I surfing for campaign news, I stumbled on this headline and suddenly I knew exactly what happened 6 hours ago in the Water Cube.

I’m still going to watch the race later on, but it won’t be same.  Once you know something you know it. And unless it’s a fact like “where I last saw my glasses/keys/shoes” your chances of forgetting it aren’t all that good.

Now I’m thinking about what we parents have learned about our kids that we might have chosen not to know if anyone had given us the “selective amnesia” option. Like the fact that yes, your daughter is sexually active or no, the parents actually weren’t home during that party even though your son swore they were. 

As a parent, what do you know about your son or daughter that you wish you didn’t know? When you found out, what changed? How have you adjusted emotionally? How does knowing change your view of your son/daughter?  How has it changed your behavior as a parent? When does a tween or teen have the right to privacy?

Lots of questions!  Love to hear your thoughts.

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: , — Annie @ 2:47 pm
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“Middle School Confidential” – Book 1 is Here

August 1, 2008

Middle School Confidential - Book 1: Be Confident in Who You Are

Middle School Confidential, Book 1: Be Confident in Who You Are

Writing books is a quasi-surreal endeavor to begin with. Writing a five-book series is more than strange. Middle School Confidential started with an inspiration, followed by some concepts, chased by a bunch of ideas. Then I spent several intense months figuring out how to get what’s going on in my mind to connect with the life experience of my readers (5th-8th graders). (All that before I even began Book 1!)

Finally I finished the first draft of the first book and sent it to my editor. He sent it back with some notes in places that needed revisions. I completed the additional work and sent it off again, which earned me a big editorial thumbs up.

Then after a couple of weeks of mental vacation, I started Book 2. So the process repeated itself.

Now it’s the first of August. I spent most of today working on Book 3. (Zip zip) On a mid-afternoon fresh air break I tripped over a box left on my front step by the guy in the brown truck. Opening it, I found a blast from my creative past… AKA Book 1 had arrived! There it was… in my hands, an actual real world book with my name on the cover and my photo in the back (in case I needed proof). Like I said, surreal, and smile-inducing. If you want a copy. Just let me know. Only $9.95. A bargain at half the price. ;O)

Filed under: Annie's Books,Announcements,Bookshelf,Teen Books — Tags: — Annie @ 10:24 pm
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For Parents: Sweetie, what’s wrong?

July 25, 2008

In the dream I was in a crowd. Despite the noise, I clearly heard a baby crying somewhere. No one else seemed to notice. The sound cut through me.  People were packed together and making progress in any direction was a challenge. But I had to find that baby.

Making my way down a hallway, I entered a smaller room and found the wailing child.  I stepped into the crowd and took the baby in my arms. She immediately stopped crying and nestled against me.  I could hear her thinking “Ahhhh, someone understands.”

Then I woke up, smiling.

We parents are genetically engineered to do our damnedest to keep our kids happy.  With our first one, we’re  all clueless at the start. But after a few months on the job, we feel like we’re pretty good at turning our kid’s bad moods into better ones.  We become masters of distraction (“Oh, look there’s a dog!”) and negotiation (“If you stop crying, I’ll read you a story.”) Whenever they’re unhappy, they instinctively come to us because they know that we’ll make things better, like magic. We love how they believe in us, but we know it’s not magic. We succeed in making them happy simply because we understand them so well and because they want to be comforted by us.

When they get to be tweens the dynamic starts to shift.  They’re more aware of their dependence on us and they start resenting us for it.

In the mind of a young adolescent, our ability to make her smile gives us way too much power. She undermines that power by finding fault in everything we do. Especially our attempts at comforting when she’s down or upset. And because he resents our knowing him so well, he throws up smoke screens, attempting to make himself less knowable.   “You just don’t understand, Mom!”

Ouch.

As parents, our imperative is to find and comfort the crying baby. But how do you deal when the baby is 11 or 16 and your attempts at helping are greeted with “Get outta my room and leave me alone!” ?

What do you do? What has worked in your family?  What hasn’t worked?

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: , , — Annie @ 8:29 am
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