authenticity | Annie Fox's Blog

“I’m so uptight! How do I let loose?”

June 6, 2018

You don’t need anyone’s permission to be yourself.

One of the most challenging parts of being a teen is how judgmental people at school and online can be. The other difficult piece is how hard you can be on yourself. 🙁 Maybe you’ve gotten into the habit of trashing your own looks – complexion, height, hair, weight, body. Or maybe you are like this girl who wishes she could stop worrying what other people think, “let loose” and just be herself.

Teen: My friend is super cool and I admire her so much. She will randomly High 5 people and make conversations with anyone. She dances and just doesn’t care what people think about her. I’m super conservative and feel like I can never let loose. I hate it because I see how much more attractive it is when girls are so care free. What’s wrong with me that I feel so uptight all the time? I don’t really care what people think when I think about it but I don’t know why I try to act I guess so “mature” all the time. It isn’t fun and I don’t know what to do. How do I stop caring what people think and just let loose?

Annie: Your friend does sound super cool! The kind of person who makes others feel more at ease just by being near her. I totally understand why you admire her and want to have some of the freedom she has.

Some of her “I don’t care what people think about me” attitude may come from how she’s been raised by her parents. They may be the kind of people who live their own lives with confidence and a sense of “this is who I am.” As a result, they may have always encouraged their daughter to “do her own thing” and “not worry so much about what others think.”

So how do you do it? Before I give you some advice, let me ask you a question: If you were brave enough to “let loose” and do ONE THING what’s the worst thing that might happen?

Teen: I guess I’d be afraid of being judged and looking immature. I like when adults can respect me and talk to me like I am one. I just do not know how to do it. It is quite frustrating because I am weird and crazy when I want to be, but in public I get all tense.

Annie: Your fear of “being judged” is not irrational, judging from how judgmental teens can be. (Sad but true). But if you feeling “boxed in” by this fear to the point where you can’t be your wonderful “weird and crazy” self… then you are giving others too much power over your life. You can take back power, you know.

As for liking the way you are respected by adults who treat you with respect and admire your maturity, that’s understandable, but it doesn’t have to be an Either/Or choice. A truly authentic, confident person knows how to “switch gears” and choose appropriate behavior depending on where she is. For example, I’m guessing that your friend knows how and when to pull back on her free spirited behavior. She acts differently in class than she does when she’s with a bunch of friends, right?

Judge the situation for what is appropriate. And when you feel like letting loose, don’t hold yourself back. As for people “judging you” (negatively)… Well, you don’t judge your friend negatively when she lets loose. Just the opposite! You think she’s cool because she doesn’t care what other people think. So maybe if you give yourself permission to be a little bit freer and more spontaneous people would admire you and think you’re cool too! You’ll probably admire yourself more, too.

Teen: Yes I see what you mean, I just don’t know how to give it a try. Do I just fake it till I make it?

Annie: Ha! Fake it til you make it is one approach. It can work, too! It also may help for you to start paying attention to your “fear of judgment” as it comes up. That’s what’s holding you back from really being yourself. Don’t let it. The next time you feel like letting loose notice the fear that comes up, notice the thoughts that come with it. Maybe you’re thinking, “I’d better not do that. People will laugh or roll their eyes.” Notice the thoughts. Then take some SLOW DEEP BREATHS. That will calm your heart and quiet your mind. Then go for it. (Assuming that the kind of “letting loose” you’re thinking about is not going to HURT anyone else. Mean jokes, etc. are never cool.

Teen: Yes. I get it. Thank you so much!

Annie: You’re welcome. So what are you going to do differently tomorrow?

Teen: When I am in public or with other friends and they are being goofy I am going to take a deep breath and join them.

Annie: AWESOME! Good luck and please let me know how it goes.

She’s on her way. If you want to try this, please let me know how it goes. (HINT: This can work to make teens and adults braver and more comfortable and confident being themselves.)

Filed under: Parenting,Teens — Tags: authenticity, being yourself, celebrating diversity, non-conformity — Annie @ 2:52 pm

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What are Halloween’s teachable lessons for kids?

October 22, 2015

I’m a bad ass. Just for tonight.

Around here we’re experiencing a black and orange explosion. Each year the Halloween house make-overs get more impressive.

We’ve still got nine days to go, so I thought I’d get ahead of the curve and write about Halloween’s teachable moments for kids. Non-spoiler alert: This is not a parent tip sheet on how to put reasonable restrictions on kids’ sugar consumption. (That’s not a bad idea, but I leave it to the nutritionists.) Instead, let’s talk about the “mask” kids put on for Halloween vs. the mask many of our tweens and teens wear every single day. Halloween is a time to pretend to be someone else. It can be great fun and I’m a huge fan. But what happens when your child wears a mask all the time, hiding who he or she really is because of fear of disapproval from peers or even from you?

I’ve been thinking about the fine art of faking it for a long time because I work with tweens and teens and, face it, they can be masters of deception. When I talk to kids about consciously putting on a “mask,” as we do when we get up on stage to perform in a play or dress up to explore other identities, it fits right into the idea of figuring out who you are, which is the manifesto of adolescence. But when we get so attached to hiding behind the mask that we’re no longer conscious of wearing it then we are faking it without knowing it. That’s never a good place to be, especially at a time when our tweens and teens ought to be exploring what it means to be one’s authentic self.

I have asked kids: How do you know when you’re faking it? They’ve provided profound responses, like these:

I get a sinking feeling in my stomach.

I feel like what I’m doing is not really me, but I continue doing it anyway.

I feel like a fraud in my own body.

I feel like a jumble of very confused spaghetti.

We ought to encourage our kids to reflect deeply on who they are and who they are becoming. They need to think clearly, despite the cacophony of judgments and opinions happening around them and within them. The best way I know to do that is by telling them how much we appreciate who they are when they are being authentic. We need to also model authenticity in own our lives. That doesn’t mean that we are always a certain way. Our behavior and attitudes change depending on circumstance and setting, and that’s appropriate. But when it’s “just us,” in the family, we need to create opportunities to talk about what it means to be true to oneself and to have integrity. No faking it.

Filed under: Holidays,Parenting,Tips — Tags: authenticity, Halloween, Parenting, parenting teens, parenting tweens, teachable moments, Teens, Tweens — Annie @ 8:20 pm

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Podcast For Parents: Want to be yourself? Go for it!

May 25, 2009

"Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken" by Mike Robbins

When my son was in grade school he never wore bright colors but he liked all kinds of t-shirts. When he started 6th grade the only tees he’d ever wear were blank white ones (the kind Haines sells in packages of three). When I asked him about it he launched into a detailed description of the school’s social hierarchy and where he fit in. (A notch above the losers.) Losers wore whatever they wanted because they were invisible and lacked social aspirations. Popular kids wore whatever they wanted and instantly spawned new trends. The rest of the kids (95% of the class) were very cautious with their wardrobe choices. From my son’s perspective, wearing a plain white tee was a low risk move. All he could afford to make. As he patiently explained, “I’m not cool enough to be different.” In other words, he wasn’t confident enough to be himself.

You expect insecurity from tweens and teens. “Do I look OK?” “When am I going to learn to keep my big mouth shut?” “Did anyone just notice what I did?” But many adults still work overtime keeping our ‘unacceptable’ selves in check. We wait at the corner forever looking both ways before we make an assertive move. In doing so, not only are we holding ourselves back from truly enjoying our lives and relationships, we’re also missing in action when it comes to showing our kids how a self-assured authentic adult operates.

I’ve been thinking about this stuff for a long time. That’s why I was drawn to Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken: Transform Your Life with the Power of Authenticity by Mike Robbins. In this week’s Family Confidential podcast, Mike and I talk about removing the barriers to being ourselves so we can be better people and better parents.

Have a listen here:

[QUICKTIME http://www.anniefox.com/podcast/FC004.m4a 300 300 false true]

If you have iTunes, you can subscribe to this podcast in the iTunes Store.

Or, you can download an MP3 version here.

Upcoming guest authors include:

Lynn Goodwin – You Want Me To Do What? Journaling for Caregivers
Carol Normandi and Lauralee Roark – Over it: A Teen’s Guide To Getting Beyond Obsessions with Food and Weight
Ayelet Waldman – Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace
Wednesday Martin – Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do
Robert Rummel-Hudson – Schuyler’s Monster: A Father’s Journey With His Wordless Daughter

Subscribe to Family Confidential and tune in each time!

*What’s a podcast? “A podcast is a series of digital media files, usually either digital audio or video, that is made available for download via web syndication.” — Wikipedia… So, in this case, there’s an audio file for you to listen to (in addition to reading the above).