Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

For Parents: Why Let The Facts Get in The Way?

September 19, 2008

We seem to be living in a time when only fools admire honesty and only naives are outraged when leaders cheat their way to the top and continue lying and cheating to maintain their power. I ought to know because I’m outraged all the time by what I read in the news. And the fact that I still believe that people in leadership positions ought to behave better… well, if that doesn’t prove that I’m both foolish and very naïve, nothing will.

Dishonestly rules, even when the prize is a few extra points on a math test. We’ve all heard of middle and high school students caught with test answers on their cell phones. Maybe you’ve also heard of parents who push back against school authority rather than use their child’s poor judgment as a teachable moment. Perhaps these same parents are the ones who, in the privacy of their homes, berate their kids – not for cheating, but for being careless enough to get caught!

We’ve got pitifully few examples of honesty in our elected officials. In fact, says Michael X. Delli Carpini, an authority on political ads at the University of Pennsylvania’s Annenberg School for Communication “… in the last two election cycles, the very notion that the facts matter seems to be under assault.” He goes on to say, “Candidates and their consultants seem to have learned that as long as you don’t back down from your charges or claims, they will stick in the minds of voters regardless of their accuracy or at a minimum, what the truth is will remain murky, a matter of opinion rather than fact.”

Is cheating, lying, and maligning your opponent the only way to “win” these days? If you choose not to go that route are you sap and, inevitably, a loser? Will the history books record your participation with a footnote, “An honest but failed attempt.”

Several years ago I worked for a company that produced after school enrichment curriculum. As part of my duties I spent time at conference exhibit halls displaying product and answering questions for the attendees, all of whom were educators… people who work with kids day in and day out. At the end of one long weekend, I packed up and discovered that several of our books had been stolen right from our booth. I remember the phrase spinning in my head, “They stole the books?! But they’re teachers! Teachers don’t steal!”

Surprise! Turns out some teachers do. Just as do many other adults who, in one way or another, seem to succeed very well thank you, by using a different moral compass than the rest of us foolish naives.

What in the world are we teaching our children about the value of speaking the truth and being trustworthy? Your thoughts?

P.S. I hope your daughters and sons have gotten off to a strong start this school year. If any of you are interested in giving the gift of self-confidence to a middle schooler in your life … Check out my new book series, Middle School Confidential™

P.P.S. You can now subscribe to this blog and receive an email notification every time I post a new entry:

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For Parents: You Can’t Unknow What You Know

August 11, 2008

I was really looking forward to tuning in to see if Michael Phelps would win his second Gold Medal of the 2008 Olympics as part of the 4×100 freestyle relay.  I knew the race was today, but I’m working on a deadline  and so we’ve got our TV recording it.  (I shouldn’t even be blogging right now but I’m on a break.  Honest!)

My plan was to block out any sports news so that later I could watch the race in blissful ignorance, pretending it was unfolding in real time, the same way we live our lives. But I’m a political junkie and I can’t stay offline for long. While I surfing for campaign news, I stumbled on this headline and suddenly I knew exactly what happened 6 hours ago in the Water Cube.

I’m still going to watch the race later on, but it won’t be same.  Once you know something you know it. And unless it’s a fact like “where I last saw my glasses/keys/shoes” your chances of forgetting it aren’t all that good.

Now I’m thinking about what we parents have learned about our kids that we might have chosen not to know if anyone had given us the “selective amnesia” option. Like the fact that yes, your daughter is sexually active or no, the parents actually weren’t home during that party even though your son swore they were. 

As a parent, what do you know about your son or daughter that you wish you didn’t know? When you found out, what changed? How have you adjusted emotionally? How does knowing change your view of your son/daughter?  How has it changed your behavior as a parent? When does a tween or teen have the right to privacy?

Lots of questions!  Love to hear your thoughts.

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: , — Annie @ 2:47 pm
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For Parents: Sweetie, what’s wrong?

July 25, 2008

In the dream I was in a crowd. Despite the noise, I clearly heard a baby crying somewhere. No one else seemed to notice. The sound cut through me.  People were packed together and making progress in any direction was a challenge. But I had to find that baby.

Making my way down a hallway, I entered a smaller room and found the wailing child.  I stepped into the crowd and took the baby in my arms. She immediately stopped crying and nestled against me.  I could hear her thinking “Ahhhh, someone understands.”

Then I woke up, smiling.

We parents are genetically engineered to do our damnedest to keep our kids happy.  With our first one, we’re  all clueless at the start. But after a few months on the job, we feel like we’re pretty good at turning our kid’s bad moods into better ones.  We become masters of distraction (“Oh, look there’s a dog!”) and negotiation (“If you stop crying, I’ll read you a story.”) Whenever they’re unhappy, they instinctively come to us because they know that we’ll make things better, like magic. We love how they believe in us, but we know it’s not magic. We succeed in making them happy simply because we understand them so well and because they want to be comforted by us.

When they get to be tweens the dynamic starts to shift.  They’re more aware of their dependence on us and they start resenting us for it.

In the mind of a young adolescent, our ability to make her smile gives us way too much power. She undermines that power by finding fault in everything we do. Especially our attempts at comforting when she’s down or upset. And because he resents our knowing him so well, he throws up smoke screens, attempting to make himself less knowable.   “You just don’t understand, Mom!”

Ouch.

As parents, our imperative is to find and comfort the crying baby. But how do you deal when the baby is 11 or 16 and your attempts at helping are greeted with “Get outta my room and leave me alone!” ?

What do you do? What has worked in your family?  What hasn’t worked?

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: , , — Annie @ 8:29 am
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For Parents: Hitting Dad?!

July 22, 2008

I was in the mall yesterday doing research on the way teen girls interact with their friends when shopping on their own.  During a lunch break, I noticed a dad with his 5 year old son at the counter of an eatery. While Dad attempted to order lunch, the little boy repeatedly punched and slapped his father. As I watched (cringing) it struck me that the kid was neither angry or frustrated.  He appeared to be enjoying this very funny game.  

Dad’s response alternated amongst three modes:  First he ignored the aggression. When the boy continued the abuse, Dad turned to his son and said with absolutely no conviction, “Now you stop that.” When that response only set the kid to giggling and continue swinging at Dad (and connecting), Dad one-handedly held on to both of the boy’s hands and kinda smile and laughed and then showed his son an exaggerated mock “I’m angry now” face. At that point Junior laughed harder and began kicking Dad! At that point Dad went back to ignoring his son again.

For a parent who’d probably say he’d like his son to treat him with respect, this father was transmitting some really screwed up messages. In the mind of a five year old, here’s how Dad’s response was interpreted: “Daddy doesn’t mind this behavior.  In fact, I think he kinda likes when I do this. Looks like he’s having fun.  I sure am!  I’m gonna keep it up.”

We’ve all seen examples of how a parent’s response to their child’s disrespect only encourages more of the same.  When it’s with unruly young children (and yours are teens or older) we’re quick to mentally note, “Bad parenting! Do something, you doormat! Don’t let your kid step on you like that.”

But when we’re faced with a rude and disrespectful teen or tween, we are not always so good at avoiding “doormatism.”

Sometimes we try to be “the good parent” to our teens by choosing not to yell when they are rude to us. That’s good strategy. It keeps our emotions in check so that we can think more clearly and parent more effectively.  But completely ignoring a teen’s rudeness (sarcasm, attitude, put-downs, eye-rolling, etc.) or responding to rudeness in a half-hearted way, you only send the message that this is acceptable behavior.  Exactly the message sent by that Dad in the mall. Problem is, that message is a flat-out lie that’s going to come back and bite you again and again and again.

Your comments?

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: , — Annie @ 6:13 pm
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