Parenting Advice | Annie Fox's Blog

#ParentForum Twitter Chat #2

November 3, 2009

What we all want for our kids, real friends

I joined a bunch of my Twitter buddies online last Thursday night for #ParentForum 2. Simple concept: At a predetermined hour a panel of parenting experts fields questions from a “live” audience. Our topic for the evening: Raising Healthy Teens. On the panel were:

Wendy Young — child and family therapist and founder of Kidlutions™

Marjie Knudsen — author and child advocate

Linda P. Gordon — author and psychotherapist

Dr. John Duffy — clinical psychologist

Dr. Dina Rose — sociologist specializing in healthy eating habits

Nancy Prisby — Parent Coach

Amy Jussel — former journalist/advertising/branding gal turned media analyst founder of Shaping Youth

Suzanna Narducci—founder of tweenparent.com

Here’s what was asked, answered, suggested and bandied about by a group of folks who know a whole lot about what it takes to raising healthy kids:

Annie_Fox Welcome 2 ParentForum. Experts answer UR parenting questions in real time. (No phony stuff!) Panelists…(drumroll w/ intros)

Annie_Fox I’m a writer, educator & online adviser 4 tweens, teens & parents. http://anniefox.com

MarjieKnudsen Parent for < 23 years (4 kids) – oldest in law school. Author and Child advocate. Motto: Never Give Up! Every time 1 more try!

kidlutions Wendy Young, MOM,LMSW, BCD is a mom of 3, child and family therapist in private practice and founder of Kidlutions™

drjohnduffy I’m a clinical psychologist who has enjoyed the privilege of working with t(w)eens and their families for more than 12 years!

Lpgordon I’m a psychotherapist and an Author of books on family connection and communication

drdrrose I’m a sociologist who specializes in eating habits. I help parents teach their kids to eat right.

CoachNancyP MSW, Parent Coach, Parent of 3, Speak & write on various parenting topics.

ShapingYouth I’m Amy Jussel, former journalist/advertising/branding gal turned media analyst; dealing w/media/marketing’s impact on kids.

Annie_Fox Welcome all… The first question from @MommyBlogExpert

Parent Question: “I’ve triplets (GGB), 12 & big bro 13 Advice on dealing w/ sibling rivalry related to fact they’re same/close in age?”

Annie_Fox Shall we tackle that question panelists… jump in please!

kidlutions Wow! They certainly are close in age…and lots of ’em! How much 1:1 time does each child get? That can be a help…

kidlutions As for other thoughts on sibling rivalry…look this over when U can http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibriv.htm

kidlutions That last link comes from U of M (Michigan)

drjohnduffy Tough as it may be, protect some private time for each. Life will be easier if they feel cherished individually, I promise!

drjohnduffy May also want a family behavioral contract to control the chaos

MarjieKnudsen Making eye contact and smiling to EACH one alone- Simple way to connect

Lpgordon Make sure you allow the twins or triplets to have their own identity- refrain from dressing them alike unless they want it

Annie_Fox Make sure they know that they know each one has a special relationship with you. That takes time and lots of patience & support

drjohnduffy And foster the strengths of each!

Annie_Fox @drjohnduffy Great point, John!

kidlutions Also, the kids are old enough to communicate how THEY think it can be handled. I would even have a family mtg w/them

CoachNancyP Help them to calm down from heated emotions & problem solve.

kidlutions Sometimes, kids come up with the BEST solutions to the problems at hand…if WE ask THEM! Try it, try it, you will see!

Annie_Fox @kidlutions I like that idea… ask them how to lessen the conflicts and see what they come up with! Brilliant!

drjohnduffy Family mtg is a great idea, fosters a sense of competence, and they may surprise w/ideas they come up with

Annie_Fox Here’s a family mtg. plan http://bit.ly/1hoF1M

ShapingYouth My godkids are close in age like this; OUTside peeps OTHER than immediate family can help carve a niche/identity/specialness 2!

kidlutions @MommyBlogExpert Yes, different dynamics abound…give us more specifics, if u can! 🙂

Lpgordon Twin boys I know used to fight about what they wore in school. They are identical and each one cared how the other looked

drjohnduffy Similarities in ages may allow for rotation of chores, household tasks, to manage inevitable “not fair!”

kidlutions @Lpgordon See…yep, the issues can be so varied

Annie_Fox @MommyBlogExpert How feasible is it 4 you to schedule 1 on 1 time with each child at least once a week?

kidlutions @MommyBlogExpert Is there one main area in which they seem to keep getting hung up, or is it everything?

MarjieKnudsen At family mtg. try asking them each to say 2 positive things about each other… interesting results.

ShapingYouth Good thread here re: diff. sib dynamics twin/triplets: http://j.mp/1SKart

Annie_Fox No easy answers here. Hopefully the kids will mature and learn to appreciate their sibs.

Annie_Fox @MommyBlogExpert Their bickering behavior may be “normal” and also not acceptable.

drjohnduffy W/some issues like bedtime, I feel mom and dad have the say. Kids can dislike, but must follow the rule!

Lpgordon Advice differs for each age range of child and also the tolerance level of the parent with this complaint

drdrrose I’m not psychologist, but from sociological pnt of view ppl come together when outside challenge. Create need to work together.

drjohnduffy Great idea, Dr Rose! A family service project, perhaps?

MarjieKnudsen @drdrrose Excellent observation! Kids are buddies when they have difficult problem that needs to be solved.

MarjieKnudsen @DrDrRose Also works when there is someone that needs help… they will bond together.

kidlutions @MommyBlogExpert Doesn’t work all the time! Can’t charge for referee services if there is a safety issue, of course.

kidlutions @drdrrose YES< YES YES!!! Touche!

Annie_Fox Or she could introduce an ant infestation!

kidlutions @Annie_Fox LOL on the ants!

kidlutions @MommyBlogExpert Sometimes when we disengage…make it a BIGGER problem for them than it is for us, that helps!

Lpgordon @anniefox Mtgs are effective because you get to talk without the emotions getting in the way.

kidlutions @MommyBlogExpert Ask them, “What do YOU think we should do about this?”

kidlutions @MommyBlogExpert ….and it was AMAZING how many issues they learned to iron out on their own!

SuzannaNarducci When they hurt each others feelings have them stop and look at the reaction of their sibling 2 help them appreciate effect

drjohnduffy @kidlutions Sometimes good to let the “law of the jungle” take over.

Annie_Fox Moving on…The next question from the “If this kid doesn’t start acting like a human being soon, I swear I’ll… files

Parent Question: “My 12 year old son who used to be such a sweetheart, has turned into a real… handful. Bad attitude, etc.”

MarjieKnudsen Stay Positive no matter what! Parental Criticism of #Teens Makes Matters Worse- http://bit.ly/1kD5sc

kidlutions Could be a lot of things converging to make this “change of heart/attitude” take place.

drjohnduffy You might try to set aside frustration in favor of curiosity. What’s this time like for him?

MarjieKnudsen @drjohnduffy Excellent advice. Book Curious? by Todd Kashdan is excellent for teaching parents the imp. of fostering curiosity.

Annie_Fox Mom says:”We just moved and he complains about everything… the neighborhood, the school, the teachers, and of course, me!”

Annie_Fox Sounds like the 12 yr old is dealing w/ so many changes! Poor kid!

drjohnduffy What a tough time in life for a move!

kidlutions Oh, the big move…that is HUGE! This coming from someone who went to 9 schools by 9th grade…

MarjieKnudsen @kidlutions I hear U, 11 for me by the time I grad. from H.S.

kidlutions Whatever U do, do NOT personalize it. Be calm, state your expectations. ASK, “what is happening at school, w/ friends, etc.”

Annie_Fox @kidlutions Excellent advice. And that’s hard for parents, isn’t it? Not to take personal attacks from their kids “personally”?

MarjieKnudsen Have teen picture himself as being okay… visualize what it would look like if everything was going great w/ new school, etc.

Annie_Fox @MarjieKnudsen I like that! Visualize the way you’d like it to be… and then, let’s work together on an action plan.

kidlutions Ask him, “What can I do to HELP YOU?” “How can help this adjustment go smoother?”

Lpgordon Talk to your son while doing things with him. Avoid the face to face- tell me how you are feelin

kidlutions Talk to him about how these changes have affected you, too. Let him know that YOU know it is hard.

drjohnduffy @kidlutions Great advice. Just being there, available, might be all he needs.

CoachNancyP Empathy so important. Remember when you were 12-13? It’s an awkward age!

drjohnduffy All that said, I think we cannot forget that there are boundaries we need to set for inappropriate behavior

Lpgordon @drjohnduffy I agree boundaries are really important

kidlutions Boundaries are EVEN more necessary when things feel topsy-turvy…it is the one thing he CAN count on!

kidlutions If he won’t “talk” abt his feelings, try, You might feel like the odd guy out..It might B strange 2 make new freinds at UR age

kidlutions Give that boy a HUG! Yes, Dr John is right…boundaries are absolutely necessary!

MarjieKnudsen Surprise them by being exceptionally caring and loving… if parent relationship stays strong… will give child strength.

CoachNancyP Yep, feelings R not right or wrong, can work to understand feelings while still enforcing limits.

kidlutions @CoachNancyP True, that, Nancy!

Annie_Fox @drjohnduffy I agree, john. And we need to check our own behavior & make sure we’re not modeling rudeness out of frustration

drjohnduffy In my exp, he might benefitting some sport, group, club, a sense of home in a new atmosphere

kidlutions @drjohnduffy YES! Get him involved in SOMETHING! Maybe let him invite some new friends over?

ShapingYouth Link lady here: http://j.mp/pQJ9e gr8 help on tweens acting out from changes/hostility to new environs (I moved every 2yrs!)

kidlutions @ShapingYouth I LOVE YOUR LINKS!

drjohnduffy Get him involved, and the disposition may lighten up in a hurry!

Annie_Fox @kidlutions I’d also ask the boy how much “help” he wants on the social front. Parents taking over sends a msg of no confidence

kidlutions Again…HUG him, even if he pulls away…he’ll get used to it. Now is just as impt of a time to hug him as when he was small!

CoachNancyP Moving rocks everybody’s world. Any type of change brings on emotions.

kidlutions @drdrrose It had a huge impact on shaping my career choice! More on that for us later!

drjohnduffy @kidlutions So tough, but so effective – turn toward him when you most want to turn away!

MarjieKnudsen Annie’s free e-book helps kids w/feelings of insecurity when new kid: “I don’t think I’m good enough.” http://bit.ly/70QAA

Lpgordon Normalize this as a transition so he can get comfort from how he got thru this when he has another transition in the future

CoachNancyP On moving- Sense of self-lovable no matter what. Focus on his strengths, B there to help. Fosters resilience.

SoulfulParent @CoachNancyP Change is always challenging!

Lpgordon How about THEY DON’T STAY TEENS FOREVER!

Annie_Fox And we don’t stay parents of teens forever, thank goodness!

Annie_Fox Moving on… OK? Here’s another question from the “Please remind me that they don’t stay teens 4ever” files…

Parent Question “My 16 yr old daughter has been lying to me and her stepdad. And we think it’s partly due to friends we’ve not crazy about.”

drjohnduffy Tough question #1: Are you truly open to hearing her truth? She’ll be more likely to tell it if you are.

kidlutions Is this lying a NEW behavior?

Lpgordon My question for the parents is what is the attraction to these friends?

Annie_Fox @Lpgordon Interesting question, Linda! What is the attraction to these friends? Wonder what the daughter would answer 2 that?

MarjieKnudsen Stress to teen – U become UR friends – choose carefully.

Annie_Fox @MarjieKnudsen I agree. But sometimes parents misjudge other kids, by their clothes, etc. When they’re really good kids.

Lpgordon @annifox I totally agree – parents project there own fears and values and ideas onto the friends

drjohnduffy @Annie_Fox So true. Be prepared to be wrong – these may be great kids!

MarjieKnudsen Exactly… teach kids to view behavior/actions as utmost importance… how others make them feel inside.

Annie_Fox @kidlutions Mom inferred the lying had to do with where the daughter was. She got caught in a lie. Also missing money. :O(

kidlutions Have you let these kids spend time at YOUR house, get to know them? So often kids complain their parents judge and don’t know!

SuzannaNarducci Kids will keep secrets, it’s part of becoming independent. But as parents we want R kids 2 know we are there when they need us

kidlutions Can u find something to like about these friends or learn to like about them?

drdrrose You have 2 embrace the friends or risk alienating ur kid. At same time u have 2 stress what behavior is acceptable. Lying isn’t.

Annie_Fox @drdrrose I agree, Dina! Find something to like about the friends. Open mind and open heart are great to model.

kidlutions @drdrrose Yep…hold her to your standards, but understand her WORLD…what do these friends do to enhance her life?

drjohnduffy Despite the lie, I still recommend open discussion. I trust parental instinct, and this daughter may NEED to talk to her p’s.

kidlutions Consider counseling if U cannot communicate effectively…and/or if the lying is habitual..this could signal underlying issues

drjohnduffy True, guys – kids don’t just enter friendships to challenge their parents’ patience. They usually LIKE their friends!

MarjieKnudsen @drdrrose Yes! And by accepting them, U help another teen… (but not at the expense of yours.)

SuzannaNarducci @drjohnduffy or they feel their choices are limited.

kidlutions If counseling is decided upon, search until you find someone you and dtr are comfortable with…get references

Annie_Fox And their friends are sooooooo important to them! Don’t make them choose between you and their friends.

Annie_Fox Counseling is a great option. That way the daughter may see that these friends aren’t the kind she deserves.

kidlutions @Annie_Fox Agreed, Annie…never make a kid choose. Find a way to make it work, if possible.

CoachNancyP Good advice, twitter colleagues 🙂

drjohnduffy In fact, be-friend the friends!

ShapingYouth @drjohnduffy nails it w/the truth/judgment issue; pos. feedback DOES help diffuse. I love www.PreteenAlliance.org for this…

MarjieKnudsen @SuzannaNarducci yes, sometimes they don’t fit in where they want, they need help to increase their social skills, self-esteem,

Annie_Fox I’m outta questions in the queue… any of you got one to throw on the table?

kidlutions RT @drjohnduffy: In fact, be-friend the friends!>>LOVE IT! Eliminate the struggle altogether. Let the friends know ur involved!

SoulfulParent Or at least get to know the friends better!

Lpgordon sometimes teen girls aren’t comfortable speaking their minds in a group

ShapingYouth “Befriend the friends” is a gr8 diffusing tactic. Esp. when there’s perceived judgment you’ll scoff/dislike re: their choices

Annie_Fox @SoulfulParent It’s all about a)what’s motivating the mouthiness and b) how to moderate your response

kidlutions Whoa! Backtalk is a big one!

MarjieKnudsen Here’s a subject — Teens and Media — it’s not as awful as everyone thinks. Should parents worry about impact? Yes on Safety!

Annie_Fox Hang on, Marjie… back talk is first.. then media talk! LOL

CoachNancyP Going to throw in a book rec. @RachelJSimmons “Curse of the Good Girl” Gr8 read 4 this situation.

SoulfulParent A mom asked me today the difference between backtalking and expressing feelings?

Annie_Fox Re:Backtalk… I was a champ at it when I was a teen. My poor mom!

kidlutions On backtalk: Don’t let ’em push your buttons. When they find the buttons, you can be sure they’ll keep pushing them…

drjohnduffy Back talk: an opportunity for a possibly ineffective lecture, or HIGHLY effective levity if handled properly!

ShapingYouth ooooh. @SoulfulParent; gonna hush on this one & learn! “Sass mouth” is a media constant of disrespectful behavioral cues!

kidlutions @ShapingYouth Love it, Amy!

Annie_Fox Looking back, I was really angry at so much that had nothing to do with my mom. She was an easy target. (Sorry, Mom!)

drjohnduffy @Annie_Fox Truthfully, I probably should have back-talked MORE as a teen!

MarjieKnudsen @Annie_Fox didn’t back talk either as a teen, mayb should have. I just don’t respond when happens, so mine don’t do much of it.

Annie_Fox @MarjieKnudsen Our kids didn’t sass us either. But I was a loud mouth as a teen. Couldn’t resist! Happily I outgrew it!

MarjieKnudsen maybe teen doesn’t like the way U communicate -10 Things Your #Teen Would Like to Hear You Say to Them – http://bit.ly/4aNhwM

Annie_Fox Now I realize… when a teen pushes a parent’s buttons, with backtalk, the parent MUST NOT engage!

ShapingYouth My best tactic on backtalk is to look straight in the eye and say ‘ouch’ or ‘wow, was that really fair?’ Turn the tables…

rewritingkel RT: @americannanny: Is the back talk an expression of feedback a parent should hear? <–think it depends on the back talk you get

SoulfulParent @rewritingkel Great point!

drjohnduffy @rewritingkel True, there may be a msg for the parents woven within the backtalk!

Annie_Fox @rewritingkel What’s behind the backtalk? A need to be heard in the family? A need for some trust in making their own choices?

SuzannaNarducci @Annie_Fox Agreed Again it’s about giving UR child security by modeling and letting them know U R in control of situation.

kidlutions Validating the “feeling” behind the words…”You sound really angry”

kidlutions “Your anger is so big you’re bringing out your fighting words.”

SoulfulParent @kidlutions Love that Wendy!!! “bringing out your fighting words”..

kidlutions “Right now your anger sounds bigger than you are”

kidlutions Calm, cool, collected is the name of the game…never let ’em see you sweat…

Annie_Fox @kidlutions Exactly! Let em know U don’t like it, but show some compassion for the angst that’s behind it. It sucks 2 B a teen!

Annie_Fox A simple, calm, confident: “Don’t talk to me that way.” then remove yourself if the teen continues. they lose access.

SoulfulParent @kidlutions That’s what I told her.. hard when parent is tired.. but that was best idea I could offer.. keep cool!

kidlutions At our house, hubby and I say, “Don’t look into their eyes…don’t engage”…on the backtalk

SoulfulParent @Annie_Fox I think for this kid and this mom and a need to define boundaries and find own space independent of mom

CoachNancyP Important to take care of selves as parents & practice our own anger management so we can help them manage theirs.

MarjieKnudsen @CoachNancyP Excellent… Important… Point!

Annie_Fox @CoachNancyP Absolutely, Nancy!

kidlutions “I’ll be happy to talk to you when you are respectful”…..tells what YOU are willing to do, not what you want THEM to do…

kidlutions @SoulfulParent try it…i’ve used it! has worked here!

MarjieKnudsen @kidlutions good answer to give them Wendy!

americannanny @rewritingkel Back talk could be categorized. If it is offensive and ugly a parent needs to set a limit. No black & white here.

Lpgordon Labeling the talking back is important- again you need to demonstrate your boundary of acceptable behaviour

drjohnduffy @CoachNancyP Yes! So much of this turns out to be learned, modeled behavior. We lose power if WE backtalk too!

kidlutions RIGHT…don’t backtalk back! LOL, Dr. John!

SoulfulParent @drjohnduffy Absolutely Dr John… do as say AND as I do, right?

drjohnduffy @SoulfulParent Right on!

drjohnduffy Makes me wonder if backtalk is ever a GOOD thing? Maybe if a child needs to be more assertive?

Annie_Fox My Breathing challenge 4 teens. Helps them calm down so there’s less urge to mouth off http://anniefox.com/teens/breathing.html

ShapingYouth How would you ‘disengage’ from a big child that blocks a doorway; creates a physical barrier to be ‘heard’ (e.g.in your face)?

CoachNancyP Have been in & out: Has the comparison to of toddlers to teens been brought up?

americannanny If your kid is doing a lot of back talk it might be in response to too much parental questioning or micro-managing..

kidlutions @americannanny YES…if it is really nasty and off-color…we need to stay calm and provideconsequences when we have cooled off

Annie_Fox @americannanny Yes! Out of frustration, the kid loses it! Gimme some breathing space, Mom!

CoachNancyP @SoulfulParent @drjohnduffy So agree on modeling & we don’t have to be perfect, just set intentions & try.

Annie_Fox Backtalk can simply mean, “Back off!” And kids have a right to set boundaries.

drjohnduffy @ShapingYouth Where safety is an issue, you may very well need professional help right away – no second chances here..

Annie_Fox We humans aren’t looking for perfection… just progress as parents and as teens.

drjohnduffy @Annie_Fox Absolutely. We’ll take any shifts in the right direction.

CoachNancyP Toddlers & teens backtalk as they test their limits, moving towards independence- also times most need emotional support.

kidlutions @ShapingYouth Amy, if a child physically overpowers a parent,it is a very scary thing for the CHILD. more help may be needed.

americannanny Open communication channels built on trust and love.

ShapingYouth I’ve seen this w/teachers in middle school where they say kids literally ‘square off’ or ‘block the way’ (4 attention)

Lpgordon Honesty is so important- Kids learn that their parents often did the best they could with the skill set they had

MarjieKnudsen Good -but hard to teach teens… let it go. Think, “It is what it is.” -have them memorize this statement.

kidlutions @ShapingYouth On the other hand,parent could read a magazine or tune out otherwise. Physical stuff should be addressed by prof.

Angel4tweet This was very helpful! Mom of a 13 and 10 yr old!

CoachNancyP …they need emotional supports & limits. “It’s OK to feel angry… not OK to (hit-toddler, backtalk-teen)

kidlutions @ShapingYouth Teacher nds 2 stay calm…”Will you be stepping aside to let me out, or will we have to deal with this more later

drjohnduffy A “backtalk” issue may also be better addressed at a time of calm, not crisis.

rewritingkel @Annie_Fox Backtalk is uncalled for If my child wants to be heard or have a choice in their own decisions they just need ask.

Annie_Fox Parents should show what “clean anger” looks like.

Annie_Fox No one is disrespected and no one gets hurt w/ clean anger.

CoachNancyP @Annie_Fox Yes, & view it as a gift we give our kids–teaching how to manage intense emotions.

kidlutions @Lpgordon This is sooooo true about skill sets. We’re all just doing our best! I believe that of all parents!

ShapingYouth Love “clean anger” Also: RT @Kidlutions “If a child physically overpowers a parent, it is a very scary thing for the CHILD.”

drjohnduffy @Annie_Fox I love that concept – clean anger!

Annie_Fox Blog on Clean Anger vs The Other Kind http://bit.ly/D1QOQ

kidlutions @CoachNancyP YES…tell them what is okay w/ the flg, and what is not ok, but ALSO what they can do…say, “I’m MAD at you”

SoulfulParent What great info & feedback here everybody. Thanks!! Gotta go.Will there b transcript available? Love 2 save great conversation

kidlutions What a freeing thing it was to realize as a teen that I did NOT have to say everything I THOUGHT!

kidlutions I also taught my kids…and kids in my office…that my life as a teen improved when I was able to “keep thoughts to myself”!

MarjieKnudsen How to Nurture Kids Sensitivity & Emotional IQ http://bit.ly/3RNBXN

SoulfulParent Thanks everyone!

drjohnduffy Very enjoyable and informative! Thanks all!

MarjieKnudsen Thanks Sandra!

ShapingYouth Exc. post, Annie! RT @Annie_Fox Blog on Clean Anger vs The Other Kind http://bit.ly/D1QOQ

Annie_Fox We need to wrap up now. This has been gr8. So informative. I’ll post a full transcript. Thnx everyone. See you next time at #ParentForum

Happy Parenting!

(Check out the transcript from our world premier event in September.)

Filed under: Parenting,Tips — Tags: Parenting, Parenting Advice, Twitter, Twitter chat — Annie @ 12:55 am

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Podcast: Am I really a bad mother or is the bar unrealistically high?

October 5, 2009

Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman

You’re among friends, so you might as well admit it. When the headlines, cable TV and the blogosphere scream about a bad mother, famous or not, we can’t get enough. And who’s most intent on sucking the marrow out of these kinds of stories? Mothers, of course! We just can’t resist women like Andrea Yates who in the throes of post partum depression, drowned her children in the bathtub. Or Susan Smith who drove hers into a lake allegedly because the man she was dating didn’t like kids. (I’ve wickedly included the links to illustrate how impossible it is not to feed our need to join the Bad Mother Police.)

What’s our fascination with the “bad mother”? Are we’re secretly gloating underneath our horror and disbelief? Do their reprehensible acts make us feel better about the kind of mothers we are?

Maybe the truth is that we’re so uncertain about our ability to measure up to the mythic “Good Mother” that we readily point to the worst mother model around just to give ourselves a little ego boost. “At least I’m not that bad.” And if we really are that insecure about our parenting, how did we get that way? And more to the point, how can we lighten up on ourselves and other women every time a kid has a meltdown in the supermarket?

In this week’s podcast I talk with Ayelet Waldman, author of Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, And Occasional Moments of Grace.

Back in March 2005 Ayelet wrote an essay for the NY Times in which she stated: “If a good mother is one who loves her child more than anyone else in the world, I am not a good mother. I am in fact a bad mother. I love my husband more than I love my children.”

Today we’re talking with Ayelet about that breakthrough essay, the immediate firestorm it triggered, and where American mothers seem to be today.

Have a listen here:

[QUICKTIME http://www.anniefox.com/podcast/FC009.m4a 300 300 false true]

If you have iTunes, you can subscribe to this podcast in the iTunes Store.

Or, you can download an MP3 version here.

Upcoming guests include:

Rachel Simmons, author of The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wanna Bees and Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads

Diane Peters Mayer, author of Overcoming School Anxiety

Izzy Rose, author of The Package Deal: My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom

Diane E. Levin, co-author (with Jean Kilbourne) of So Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood And What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Kids

Susan M. Heim, author of It’s Twins! and Chicken Soup for the Soul Twins and More

Hannah Friedman, author of Everything Sucks: Losing My Mind and Finding Myself in a High School Quest for Cool

Dara Chadwick, author of You’d Be So Pretty If…

*What’s a podcast? “A podcast is a series of digital media files, usually either digital audio or video, that is made available for download via web syndication.” –Wikipedia… So, in this case, there’s an audio file for you to listen to (in addition to reading the above).

Filed under: Bookshelf,Parenting,Parenting Books,Podcast,Pop Culture — Tags: Ayelet Waldman, Bad Mother, Parenting Advice, Parenting Books — Annie @ 4:43 pm

Comments (2)

I tweet therefore I am

September 23, 2009

It took me a while to get Twitter. I thought, what’s the point of sending out 140 character blasts? I’m walking down 124th Street eating the most awesome peach raspberry gelato ever. Looks like my dog needs to poop. Damn didn’t bring a bag! Does the world need this info? Even if said world does, do I need to broadcast it?

But then David started doing some research on how professionals use Twitter to enhance their careers. I still didn’t get it. But David’s the guy who, in 1976, dragged me into the computer age, alternately biting, bitching and nodding off. Since that foray out of my comfort zone turned into a brilliant career move for us both, I decided to retract my claws long enough to hear him out.

That was in early August.

Now I’m a very happy tweeter, indeed. I’ve met some great people doing truly interesting and important work. I’ve learned to play nicely with them. So nicely, in fact, that last night I gathered together a few of my new twitter friends for a twitter chat. Don’t know twitter chat from channa chat? Simply, it’s a way to use Twitter tools to have a meaningful discussion in real time. We assembled a virtual panel of experts and for one hour we fielded parenting questions from the rest of Twitterland. It was a lot of fun and the parenting professionals put out top notch information. In case you missed it, I’ve reposted the “transcript” here.

Knock yourself out:

Annie_Fox I’m Annie Fox. I’m an author, who majored in tweens & teens. Panelists… tell us about yourselves please.

drdrrose I’m Dina Rose, a Food Sociologist, specializing in helping parents teach their kids to eat!

kidlutions I’m Wendy Young, child and family therapist. I deal w/behavioral issues/grief loss, etc

MarjieKnudsen I’m Marjie Knudsen, author, writer, child advocate, parent for over 23 years.

DianePMayer I’m Diane Peters Mayer therapist/writer working with kids and parents around anxiety, school anxiety and other issues.

ShapingYouth I’m Amy Jussel, former ad agency writer/creative dir; & Founder/Exec. Dir. of a nonprofit focusing on media/marketing/kids.

Parenting Question #1: How best to deal with 6yr old who often still doesn’t get to the toilet on time (#2’s) — says he doesn’t feel it??

MarjieKnudsen Magic bullet for my son, take him to bathroom and play with warm water in a bowl after he hasn’t gone. My son thought it was a blast and I am still amazed how well it worked. Others have tried it to and it worked! Only took 3 times doing this. Amazing. And he recognized feeling better.

kidlutions First off, stay calm cool as a cucumber. The less emotion you show, the better. Also start talking to him about “listening to your body.” Help him understand the signs that he might feel. He may be so preoccupied w/playing, that he ignores his body’s signals until it is too late. I LOVE Marjie’s FUN idea, too. Also, see if you can find a pattern in his BM’s and try to “plan” potty breaks around that time.

MarjieKnudsen Kids usually like to hide or go behind something when they have bm… watch for him to change locations.

RJTwoHomes Thanks, it’s normally when he’s busy & doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing. Not good at school as his gets embarrassed.

kidlutions Potty training is a HUGE battle of the wills! For some kids this is major. The less it affects you,the better

DianePMayer I agree with staying calm. You don’t want to create a will battle.

MarjieKnudsen I agree with staying very calm, no big reactions.

kidlutions That helps and the listening to the body thing will be HUGE.

Annie_Fox Anyone have any books/resources to recommend to about potty training?

MarjieKnudsen Well, there is the book, “Everybody Poops” … a classic now.

kidlutions A video from 12yrs that I used w/my kids…”It’s Potty Time”…has catchy songs…”YOU are a SUPER DOOPER POOPER”!

Parenting Question #2: My 5th grader is overwhelmed w/homework! Hate 2 see him struggle. 🙁 What should I do to help him?

Annie_Fox So hard to know how much to do FOR a 10 year old and when to step back and let him handle it.

DianePMayer I would set up teacher meeting to get idea of homework load. And breaking down the homework is the best way to reduce anxiety is to have child work for about 10-15 mins then take 5 min break, then 10-15 and so on. As child gains confidence they can up study time. Lots of my clients have success with this method.

MarjieKnudsen Rest brain by switching projects – research shows it works http://bit.ly/iqpEg

kidlutions Break it into smaller segments and take “brain breaks”…let him get some movement in. Ever heard of “brain gym”? Those exercises are great!

MarjieKnudsen You’re right. Breaks help when they’ve been going at it too long.

ShapingYouth This is akin to the ‘Stressed Out Students’ project at #Stanford, so try Denise’s Clark Pope’s new site: http://challengesuccess.org

Annie_Fox Yes it is stressful for the kids and for parents. We hate the homework wars! Parents often ask me, “What can we do about the homework load?” Do parents have any power in this?

kidlutions I think parents can/should approach the schools about WAY too much homework. I read something recently that said approx. 15 mins per grade level. Anybody else see this?

DianePMayer I’ve seen 10 min per grade level.

kidlutions I have a 3rd grade teacher friend who tells parents, have them work for max 45 mins/send me a note of where they left off, etc.

Annie_Fox Have any of you found schools to be responsive to parents’ request to ease up on h/w?

MarjieKnudsen I know of parents in a Talented and Gifted program who got together and arranged the amt. of homework. They went from 2 hours a day down to 45 minutes maximum… the teachers agreed.

Annie_Fox I love hearing that! Kids & parents need down time in the evenings and weekends. Homework can be such a corrosive force!

kidlutions YES! I have seen kids in therapy SOOOOOO stressed out by 5th grade. Parents can start w/ teacher, go to principal, superintendent, and finally to school board, if needed. Just had a HUGE discussion on this on Facebook a few days ago…LOTS of emotion surrounding this.

DianePMayer I have kids streaming into my practice due to homework anxiety. I agree that parents need to advocate… and check out books like “The End of Homework.” by Etta Kralove and John Buell. And The Case Against Homework by Sara Bennett and Nancy Kalish.

Annie_Fox Thanks for those recommendations, Diane. Parents do need to advocate for their kids’… Too much homework is unhealthy. Besides, studies have shown that more homework doesn’t translate into better learning. Not after a certain point.

DianePMayer No it doesn’t and often destroys kid’s confidence

kidlutions Homework to understand concepts is one thing. Homework that is busywork a totally diff thing!

ShapingYouth Gr8 research/resources on hazardous hmwk/guidelines here: http://j.mp/3sXQ1z

kidlutions Parents should be armed w/the research that is being shared, and then approach teachers/admins/boards.

MarjieKnudsen Students who are successful are usually the ones who start out by engaging in something interesting to them. Pressure to be the best can destroy that feeling…as in too much HW

kidlutions And…what of kids that learn diff than by writing/rote memory? Hands on kids?
MarjieKnudsen Yes, Wendy. They stay more curious when they can use their strengths.

kidlutions I think at times, since kids are switching classes at an earlier age, teachers have NO idea how much homework the kids have. Support your child w/o undermining the teachers, etc.

MarjieKnudsen Talk to the teacher, and then keep going up ’til you get someone who will help. See counselor for help here.

Annie_Fox Bring it up at PTA mtgs.

MarjieKnudsen “Curious?” is an excellent book for parents from Psychologist Todd Kashdan

kidlutions Also, another book…Coloring Outside of the Lines… by Roger Schank.

Annie_Fox Encourage the school policy that teachers check w/each other about h/w loads. They all have the same students!

DianePMayer I also see teachers in my practice who complain about the curriculum–teaching to the test… they want to be creative in their work, but can’t. Worksheets don’t teach much at all–kids are bored, bored, bored!

Annie_Fox Bored kids get turned off to learning and often start acting out, making the teacher’s job that much harder! & less joyful!

ShapingYouth Yep. In a nat’l survey, students were asked to use 3 words to describe how they felt in school; “bored” followed by “tired”

Parenting Question #3: Our daughter’s best friend is now acting mean to her. Should I talk to the mom?

Annie_Fox That’s a tough one. Depends on how well the moms know each other.

drdrrose The question I would have is: how mean?

kidlutions First things, first. Since U won’t be there to handle every squabble daughter has, this is time to teach her how to be assertive and how to get her needs met. It is a gift to teach our kids HOW to navigate some of the not so fun social situations.

MarjieKnudsen In situations where I intervened and not…. when I have stayed out… it was always better. My girls are 19 and 23 now. Best to just ‘listen’ to girls’ feelings, repeat back worries to make sure you understand.. Give unconditional love and support.

kidlutions Send your daughter the msg that she can handle it, be assertive, stand up for herself, set limits. She may need lots of coaching. And always VALIDATE how it must be affecting the girl! Let her feel heard and understood!

Annie_Fox I love that message. But like the kid w/the homework overload, sometimes kids really are suffering and it can be nearly impossible for parents to stand back and let the kid handle things when it can appear that nothing is improving.

kidlutions Give her plenty of TLC and loving! Share times when you had similar things happen. Role play how to approach the friend.

MarjieKnudsen My girls always loved hearing similar situation stories!

MarjieKnudsen Marjie, I think that those stories of our own downfall, foibles, hurts and unfortunate circumstances are worth their weight in gold.

MarjieKnudsen Worked for me – discuss things you can change and not change… daughter will realize that she can let go, detach.

ShapingYouth Ironically, CNN just did a post on ‘when parents should butt in’ http://j.mp/bXYvP (I’m doing a followup re: peer/coaches/etc.)

kidlutions Now, if this is a “bullying” thing, that would call for diff tactics.

drdrrose Rachel Simmons’ book “Odd Girl Out” is a great resource to understand girl bullying.

Annie_Fox Yes, Dina! And Rachel’s got a new book “Curse of the Good Girl! Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence.” I think parents can help by staying calm and helping kids sort out what they can and can’t control in the situation. That’s what I see in my work. Girls would often rather get stomped on by friends than tell the truth about their hurt.

kidlutions In my practice, I have seen girls just break down sobbing when they start to share abt how “friends” have tx’d them. They never verbalized it before to anyone and once they say it out loud, it hits them like a ton of bricks!
DianePMayer Problem-solve together. Get her ideas–she’s not alone in this is the message.

Annie_Fox Friendship skills ought to be taught at school. Kids wouldn’t get BORED learning that!

kidlutions Yes…Annie, some schools are better at it than others. Some teachers R fab at it!

RJTwoHomes Imagine how powerful it would be if schools taught emotional intelligence!

kidlutions YES, YES, YES! At Head Start, we do! That’s a HUGE piece of my work w/them!

MarjieKnudsen Social and Emotional learning is becoming more widespread…. see http://www.csee.org Center for Social and Emotional Education (non-profit site) talk a lot about healthy school climate.

Annie_Fox Here’s a site reports on really innovative programs like social/emotional learning curriculum in action. http://learningmatters.tv/

chrstinef Great conversation…I think it is about teaching parents how to be their child’s emotional coach

kidlutions That’s exactly what we ARE! Emotional coaches! Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the best predictor of our success in life, trumps IQ, how early we learn to read, etc.

CoachNancyP Differentiation b/w bullying & conflict is that bullying is to intentionally gain power over another.

DianePMayer Some schools offer circus skills clubs that include juggling, unicycle riding, etc. and teachers have reported less bullying from these kids, more teamwork plus other benefits

MarjieKnudsen Yes, I’ve heard of kids being taught to juggle to help alleviate anxiety too.

kidlutions A great READ…”How Full is Your Bucket: Positive Strategies for Work and Life” by Tom Rath. They have one for kids, too!

MarjieKnudsen Here’s another good one: Have you filled your bucket today? http://bit.ly/4ht8ym

CoachNancyP Here’s a post I wrote on “bucket-filling” http://bit.ly/2GoTgF

DianePMayer I’ve been working on my juggling and teaching it to anxious kids–it helps them. Article on circus curriculum on http://Education.com

Annie_Fox And maybe parents could learn to stop juggling so many things at once and model more mindfulness for kids. When teachers get it, and parents get it… they create school communities with happier, kinder kids.

ShapingYouth Yep, agree Annie; & media could reduce the ‘hype’ as well. Larry Magid has great perspective/context here: http://j.mp/ZtP9s

RJTwoHomes It can be scary when we remember that children do as we do!

Annie_Fox They sure do!

Parenting Question #4: I’m expecting our 2nd child in Dec. My 4 yr. old already says she doesn’t want a new baby in the family. Help!

kidlutions Your four year old is to be commended for her honesty! Who would want to be displaced?

MarjieKnudsen Let them be involved as much as possible. Let them make choices, about anything related…. Picking out baby clothes, paint color for room, toys for baby. Let them pick them and try them out first.

kidlutions When I was expecting my 2nd and 3rd, I gathered my other kid(s) on my lap and told them a story about how every time a mom has a new baby, her belly doesn’t just grow, her heart grows, too so w/each new baby, mom’s heart gets bigger and there is ALWAYS, ALWAYS enough LOVE for EVERYONE!

Annie_Fox Lovely! Inclusion in the family process of getting ready for the new baby… excellent advice!

MarjieKnudsen My daughters are 4 yrs apart… everything was fine ’til baby came along… hardest part, make sure time for both.

kidlutions Start talking up what a special role she will have as a BIG sister, maybe make up a story book w/ her about how special BIG sisters are and how much they have to TEACH the baby…and that the baby will have soooooo much to learn from her.

Annie_Fox But mom should be realistic that it’s going to be a transition for the #1 child. It’s also OK if firstborn doesn’t love love love the baby 24/7. Too pressure for #1 child to be “perfect” Not helpful. Not real.

kidlutions Annie, yes, it WILL be a transition. I FELT it, before I delivered each new baby myself!

helpthiskid Buy a gift for the 4 year old from the new baby when he/she is born.

kidlutions YES! I did that for each of mine…and they STILL remember the gifts 15 years later!

ShapingYouth Recent piece on interchild relationships talks about ‘validating angry feelings’ of the sibling: http://j.mp/ShBv0 +1 on 1 time

kidlutions On the flip side, mom can make 2 separate books w/1^st born detailing all that a BIG sis can do to TEACH the baby and another book that allows BIG sis to “rant” and complain and say things she DOESN’T like about having a new baby!

DianePMayer I was just writing a post about this very thing. Older child has to know it’s ok that she doesn’t want that baby around–feelings have no limit, only behavior does.

Annie_Fox Feelings have no limitations, only behavior does Excellent way to phrase it! You don’t want to make any child feel “wrong” for being pissed off at the little intruder!

kidlutions Annie, LOL, totally not! 😉

iTwixie Let her get mad!

Annie_Fox Starting the new sib relationship off right is important. I often hear from tweens and teens who can’t stand their sibs. That’s sad to me… normal at times, of course.

MarjieKnudsen Sib relationships can be helped along by parent a great deal!

kidlutions Balance is the name of the game! Don’t expect her to be perfect. Validate anger, jealousy, and keep plenty of 1:1 time. Let her hear you tell baby, “Just a minute honey, I am helping your BIG sister!”

MarjieKnudsen Sibs not getting along is something to always deal with… works to ‘arrange’ surprise fun things when just them. Then they have these great funny, silly, dumb memories of things parents surprised them with… helps bond. Also, I surprise them together with something really silly… they get a laugh and bond together with the memory

Annie_Fox The hour really flew! Time to go. Thanks to all of you wonderful panelists. Let’s do this again soon. You guys rock! Tweet on!

If you like, follow me on Twitter. I tweet about parents, teens and tweens.

Filed under: Parenting,Technology,Tips — Tags: Parenting, Parenting Advice, Twitter, Twitter chat — Annie @ 6:48 pm

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On becoming a more tolerant, patient human being (Damn it!)

August 18, 2009

Sometimes we all need a new perspective

Face it, the people we live with (and love and cherish more than life itself) can push our buttons like nobody’s business. (That expression never made much sense to me but I’ve always liked the sound of it.) This button-pushing fest can be especially competitive between parents and teens. They give us “that” look,“that” attitude, etc. etc. and we just lose it. And you don’t need me to tell you that we parents do and say things that irritate the crap out of our teens.

But who’s the adult here, right? It’s bad enough to blow up (or melt down) with our own flesh and blood, but when I think about what my “moments” taught my kids about self-control, conscious choice-making, and treating others with respect, well, I want to turn myself in to the bad parent police. OK, so no parent is perfect. And we all have gone off the deep end from time to time. We need to forgive ourselves in the same way that we forgive our kids when they act… crazy.

A new school year is about to burst forth with all kinds of never-before-seen challenges to our parenting chops. If you haven’t reached human perfection yet, you might want to try this simple process. It can help you be more of the parent you want to be more of the time. (i.e., especially when someone in your family is being soooooooo annoying!)

When a family member does or says something that grates on your nerves, ask yourself:
1. What’s going on with me right now? Irritation? Embarrassment? Frustration? Boredom? Resentment? Jealousy? Identifying what you’re feeling is the first step to understanding yourself and your reactions and taking those reactions off automatic pilot.

2.Why is this bothering me so much? We just may be least tolerant of those whose behavior reflect traits that we least like in ourselves. That’s something worth thinking about when a family member starts to drive you crazy.

3. What’s my usual way of responding? What are the usual consequences of my response? How do those help/aggravate the situation? Thinking clearly about your usual reactions can encourage you to explore other options. Especially if what you normally do just makes things worse.

4. What does this person need? That’s not often asked when people push your buttons, but if you can ask it and consider the possible answers, negative family dynamics may start to shift. For example, does this person (my son/daughter/partner) just need someone to listen to them and acknowledge their feelings? Sounds like what most of us want and need at different times. So the problem may not be what the person wants, but rather their inability to ask for it directly. If you can figure out what they want and you can provide some or all of it, you might find a) their “irritating” behaviors become less frequent, b) you feel more compassion and love towards them, and c) you feel good about having freed yourself from an unhelpful automatic response. Win-win.

Begin today. Talk honestly with your teens about the challenges all people have expressing our needs and responding to family members in conscious and compassionate ways. Share with them what you’ve learned about being part of a family. (The positive legacy and the not so.) Remind them that families are forever, but family dynamics are not carved in stone. Just because two people have always interacted in a certain way doesn’t mean they can’t change. With compassion and a willingness to be honest about your feelings and your needs, you teach your children that healthy adults can continue growing in positive directions. Bottom line, just like our teens, we parents are also works in progress.

Filed under: Parenting,Tips — Tags: bad parent police, communication, consciousness, mindfulness, Parenting Advice — Annie @ 4:56 pm

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