|
|
July 9, 2012
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
I’ve been tapped as the Bing Summer of Doing expert for the week. Part of the gig involves writing a blog using the word of the day. Interesting challenge! I’ll be posting today, then again on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. Hope to see you often. Now it’s Monday and for no particular reason the word is GIVING. But who needs a reason a give? Not me, and so, I give this to you:
 Bing Summer of Doing – Time to give a little For the first couple of years of life we can’t tell people what we want. That’s why the helpful adults who love us and want to keep us happy, pepper us with questions. These often begin with: “Do you want _______?” Since we’re not yet ready for conversation, the grown-ups fill in the blank:
Do you want to play with this?
Do you want a story?
Do you want to go to the park?
Do you want mint chip or jamoca almond fudge?
Our every wish becomes our parents’ command. That’s why we quickly we learn to say “I want _______.” Being a little kid is such sweet gig!
Then comes the day when parents say ‘NO’ to one of our many requests and our 3-year old brain explodes: “What did you say?! What do you mean it’s too close to dinner? What do you mean it costs too much and you won’t buy it for me? This is outrageous!!” We don’t have all those words, so we reiterate the obvious for stupid Mommy/Daddy: “BUT I WANT IT!!!!!”
The tantrums don’t always work, but they work sometimes and for little humans that’s just enough reinforcement to keep hope and self-centeredness alive.
At around age three, as we become more aware of the power dynamics within our family, we start testing boundaries. That’s the time a parent’s “Do you want ______?” may take on a sinister ring:
Do you want me to take that away from you?
Do you want a time out?
Do you want me to tell Daddy?
Do you want me to give you something to cry about?
This last rhetorical question was surprisingly popular amongst certain parents during the second half of the last century. Hopefully it’s gone the way of the landline, but I’ve got no empirical data either way.
Obviously all those years of “Do you want _______?” congeal in the spongy language and reward centers of our brain where we realize how important our happiness is to Mom and Dad. Because we are all about making it easy for them to please us, we learn to be very specific with our demands about what we want and why we ought to get it… NOW:
“I want __________. (pause) I am too old enough!”
“I want __________. (pause) ‘Cause I’m the only one who doesn’t have one!”
“I want a new __________. (pause) ‘Cause my old one sucks!”
“I want you to give me what I want and I want you to leave me alone.” (Double demand… impressive language development!)
And so, for those of us who grew up in comfortable circumstances (yes, I’m talking about you on the laptop) it stands to reason we may need an attitude transplant to get from “I want to get _____.” to: “I want to give ______.” But we can do it! We have the technology to connect with organizations that are doing awesome work. We have the credit cards (which makes spending less painful). Click. Click.
Why wait until December when we’re hit up for donations from .orgs we’ve never heard of and couldn’t care less about? Like E.A.R. (Earwax Anxiety Relief). Sure hope this isn’t a real one. But I guess it’s too late to check now.
Summer is an excellent time to look around and see where you could spread a little sunshine and some green. Oxfam America, International Rescue Committee, Good Weave, Doctors Without Borders, UNICEF and Kiva are some of my personal favorites. And there are at least a million other absolutely inspirational organizations that are effectively working on solutions to local, national and international challenges. Giving to any of them makes YOU (and any entitled kid you want to inspire) part of the solution. Find out who’s doing what and support their efforts. Start your search here.
Warning: Giving can become habit-forming, but in a healthy way. And think about it, do you really need more stuff or might you be in the market for some good karma points?
PS When I finished writing this on Friday, I saw a web ad for the July 15th AIDS WALK San Francisco. “Great timing! ” I thought. Within 30 minutes I had signed up to be captain of Team BeTheChange and sent out an email asking friends/family to support the fundraising efforts. Our goal is $500. As of this moment, we’ve got $375 in pledges!
UPDATE: Current funds raised- $425! Thank you to those who’ve pitched in. If you haven’t yet, you can support Team BeTheChange until Sunday July 15th.
FINAL UPDATE: Team BeTheChange raised $625 for AIDS Walk SF. Thanks to everyone who supported the cause!
May 26, 2011
 Oh, what fun to be a mom! Every year on my birthday my daughter and son each write me a thoughtfully worded letter expressing how they feel having me as their mother. Touched I read their acknowledgement of what I’ve taught them and how I’ve shaped them. Of course I blubber through it all. They think I cry because their words are so beautiful and I’m a sucker for sentiment (both true). But mostly I weep over the Bigger Picture of one generation doing its best to raise the level of humanity through the next. I read my kids’ letters and see myself doing what I do because I’m a parent, and like all parents, it’s what I’m here for. The eternal dance is awesome. How can I not cry?
Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, graduations and weddings all offer opportunities to acknowledge parents. These messages of thanks are as important for children to articulate as they are for Mom and Dad to hear. But every relationship is a two-way street and we rarely hear expressions of gratitude flowing in the other direction. Which is why I want to take this time to thank my daughter and my son for some of the many things they’ve taught me.
My daughter has taught me that she is not me and that her way of doing things is not my way. Different doesn’t need fixing just because it’s different. From this lesson I’ve learned that other people have their own way of responding to the world. When I allow myself to be open-minded and respectful there is much I can learn from their ways. I can even change my way of doing things if someone else’s works better.
My son has taught me that it’s good sport and a great mental workout to explore all sides of an argument. From this I’ve learned that when you can understand someone else’s point of view well enough to take that side and advocate for it (even if you don’t necessarily agree with it) then you can learn some important things about the way others perceive the world… and how they perceive you!
My daughter has taught me that fun can be had in pretty much any situation. You just bring your imagination and your sense of play. From this I’ve learned you don’t need a reason to tweak the ordinary into the extraordinary or the outlandish. Weird is it’s own reward. If it amuses you and brings a smile, that’s reason enough. So why not?
My son has taught me that talking about people in unkind ways isn’t the best use of anyone’s time or intellect. It’s hurtful and habit-forming. From this I’ve learned to watch my mouth and remember that just because I’ve thought of something smart, sarcastic or clever doesn’t mean I need to say it.
My daughter has taught me that organizing your time and your life helps you do more of what you want. It also helps you feel good about what you’ve accomplished. From this I’ve learned that you don’t have to choose between being creative and being efficient. You can be efficiently creative. You can also be creative in your efficiency.
My son has taught me that listening is a skill worth developing. From this I’ve learned that most words are superficial. When you want people to take you seriously they’re more likely to do so when you listen more and talk less. Also when you do speak you should always come from a caring place.
My daughter has taught me that setting boundaries is a good thing. From this I’ve learned that telling other people what you need makes it more likely that you’ll get it. You’ll also find out sooner rather than later whether someone is willing and/or able to be the kind of friend you want. If not, lower your expectations and you won’t be disappointed.
My son has taught me that everyone deserves respect as does their time and their endeavors. From this I’ve learned that just because I’ve got something I want done now doesn’t mean that my desires are a top priority for everyone else. And so I’ve learned patience from this one too.
My daughter has taught me there is great satisfaction and sense of accomplishment from going outside your comfort zone physically and emotionally.
My son has taught me that staying calm is usually the first step to resolving an unexpected challenge.
My daughter has taught me that accesorizing is fun because if life is a stage then the body is a canvas.
My daughter and son have helped me realize that being their mom is truly an amazing honor. Like, the best. Thanks so much, guys. I am eternally grateful.
May 4, 2011
by Keith Rispin
Keith “Parenting Old School” Rispin is a parent of 12+ years and a 17 year teaching veteran who specializes in working with at risk youth. It is from this unique perspective along with his own no nonsense upbringing that Keith writes. He believes parenting’s become far too permissive and tries to to shed light on the “absurdity of today’s soft and over indulgent” parenting styles. Whether you agree or not, Keith hopes you’ll find something in his writing to either like, love or even absolutely despise. “It is only through dialog about the differences in our perspectives that we can make the world a better place for ourselves and our children.”
 A tool? A danger? A learning opportunity? All of the above? Ah the Swiss army knife. The ultimate utility tool. Knife, bottle opener, corkscrew, tweezers, screwdriver, pry bar, saw, stick sharpener, bug dissection tool… The list of uses is endless.
I have had one close at hand for as long as I can remember. I was given one as a kid and in my list of life’s big events, I think it ranks in the top 10.
That Swiss Army Knife meant a number of things. Most of which I didn’t realize at the time but recently, I was afforded the opportunity to reflect on just how important that knife was in my growth into adulthood. It was the first stepping stone toward independence, feeling trusted and logical consequence.
Let me explain further. I had a very short conversation the other day with a neighbour about my daughter and her pocket knife.
“Hey Keith, do you realize that your daughter has been using your Swiss Army Knife in the forest?”
“Actually it is her Swiss Army Knife and yes I am quite aware”
“Do you think that is safe?”
“Just as safe as it was when I was twelve”
With that, I got a quizzical look but it got me thinking, what are all the good things that came out of having my very own pocket knife at my disposal when I was a kid?
Independence: Owning a Swiss Army Knife of your own, meant that you didn’t have to ask your dad for his or to have to ask permission to use the household one. You had the freedom to take it out and use it whenever necessary. Believe it or not, I even remember using it in class during Chemistry to fix some piece of science apparatus in about grade 11. Can you imagine doing that today?
Trust: It meant that your parents trusted you to responsibly use this sharp object without doing inappropriate damage to people, places or things. They also trusted that you were responsible enough not to impale yourself… too often.
Logical Consequence: Knives can be very unforgiving. Use it inappropriately or incorrectly and chances are you are going to get cut. Flesh wounds are a great learning experience, especially if they end up with a trip to emergency for stitches.
Nowadays, if you give a kid a knife… It is a cardinal sin. A tool with which a felony is sure to be committed but with that being said, I have given my eldest daughter one anyhow. Actually she has had it for about 2 summers but now she has free reign over its use.
She uses it for everything. It is an essential tool in her outdoor activity and she has been very responsible with it but why do so many parents think that modern day children should hot have access to such benign tools of the childhood experience?
It begs the questions
- Since when are kids incapable of being safe with inherently “dangerous” things?
- How are kids ever going to learn how to handle “dangerous” items if they never get the opportunity?
- If you can’t trust a twelve year old with a pocket knife, at what age can you trust them?
- Why wouldn’t you teach a child how to make sure potentially dangerous things, do not become dangerous?
We are raising social eunuchs, incapable of handling any kind of danger or risk. If we continue to “sterilize” our children’s world in the name of keeping them “safe” then what is the point of living? If we deny our children any rights of passage into adulthood which reach beyond the safety bubble we create for them, they will forever live as children in the eyes of society.
Simple risk activities and items can mean so much in the growth of your child, let them live a little. Even if it means a cut a bruise or an abrasion on occasion it is worth it in your child’s growth into an adult.
April 27, 2011
by DeAnna L’am
I just connected with DeAnna L’am on twitter and I’m delighted to share this inspired speaker, coach, and trainer with all who parent, teach and mentor t(w)eens. DeAnna is the author of Becoming Peers – Mentoring Girls Into Womanhood, and her pioneering work has been transforming the lives of women and girls around the world for over 20 years. She specializes in helping women reclaim their menstrual cycle as source of inner guidance and spiritual renewal, and trains women to do this work in their communities. Receive her Free report: ‘Most Common Mistakes Moms Make With Coming-Of-Age Girls, and How To Avoid Them!’ by visiting: http://www.deannalam.com
 It's there in case you need it. Gone when you don't. “This is my Moon Flow,” I said to Ellah, who was about 4 at the time, when she saw me changing a pad. I never saw my Mom changing pads, and hence committed to not hiding my natural flow from my daughter. Without my flow, my girl would not have been born… How could this be anything but a source of joy in my ability to give birth? An ability she will one day share!
“All women flow with the moon,” I added, “and you, too, will flow when you become a woman.” Ellah smiled with the promise, and at four years of age this was enough. I didn’t refer to the flow as “blood” until much later, since I didn’t want Ellah to associate it with an “Ouwy.” The purpose with young children, both girls and boys, is to introduce, and talk about, this natural bodily function in the same neutral way as you do when talking about eating. Gradually, as the child matures, it is good to tie the flow to its purpose, which is a woman’s ability to give life.
If you find that you have some charge about your menstruation (such as physical or emotional pain) it is best not to introduce the subject to your child until you work through your difficulty and gain some balance for yourself.
Generally, it is best not to bombard children with information, but to wait for their questions. When Ellah was about seven, she asked me where does the Moon Flow come from? My answer was inspired by the Waldorf educational approach, and I explained that the Moon Flow is “Mom’s Nest.”
“Mommy’s Nest???” she asked in amazement.
“Yes,” I said. “When a Mama bird prepares for a baby bird to be born, she makes a nest. She flies in the forest and collects leaves, feathers, boughs, branches, and bits of fluff, and she weaves a nest for the baby bird to comfortably lie in.”
“Well…” I continued, “it’s the same with me. And with all women! Every month a woman’s body prepares a nest in her tummy, where a baby can grow. Her wise body gathers tissue and blood from inside her, and makes a warm and comfortable nest. Then, if no baby starts to grow, there is no need for the nest. So Mamma’s wise body sends the nest out in a big whoosh. That’s why the flow is red, because it’s made of all the good, nourishing blood that was ready to help the baby grow.”
“Every month,” I shared with my daughter, “I thank my body for being such a miracle, and for knowing how to make a baby grow inside… I also thank it for the wisdom of letting go of the nest, when I don’t need it…” Ellah was fully satisfied. She had a clear picture in her mind, and the Moon Flow made sense to her.
Telling your child a story of this nature doesn’t only encapsulate the physical facts associated with menstruation. It allows you to start instilling the awe, which our bodies deserve for their amazing abilities. Beyond that, you are actively bucking the cultural current of taboo and shame around menstruation. You are raising a girl or a boy who will have a different narrative with which to counter the cultural beliefs when they encounter them.
— Older Posts »
| |
Facebook
Twitter
