2009 July | Annie Fox's Blog

But “I still love him…” Puh-leeze!

July 15, 2009

I know what love is. And I know what it sure as hell isn’t. No one’s born knowing. In my case, I only got it after many tedious attempts at misplaced affection. (Thankfully, my suffering yielded a few not too shabby souvenir poems and songs, so there’s that.)

Understanding this stuff is essential. I mean, really, if you don’t know how to love and how to get what you need from your partner, how are you ever going to create and maintain a healthy relationship? You’re not! Which brings me to this email from yesterday:

Hey Annie,

I have been with this guy for 2 years. We were engaged and living together. He left me two months ago and I can’t figure out exactly why he won’t even say I love you anymore. I had caught him before on chat lines giving other women his number talking very very dirty. Even talking to his ex and well, I left him. After a couple months I went back because he proposed to me and swore it was me he wanted. He said he was gonna change and he wanted to make me happy. That lasted about 5 months. I found out this time when we broke up he was still talking to his ex. He even told me he met a girl at a bar for a one night bj but swears that’s all that happened. Now he said he wanted to be “f__ friends” with me and that’s all or nothing. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him still so much after all that’s happened and I can’t understand why. I just wish he loved me. I don’t think he ever has. Please help me I’m seriously depressed…

Lost and Confused

Dear L & C,

You say that you “still love him” and that you wish he would “just love” you. I’m not sure what kind of love you’re talking about, but it isn’t enough to make this work. What the guy did was flat-out wrong, disrespectful and low. But let’s be fair… you didn’t show the greatest judgment either. Part of your current situation is a direct result of taking him back after he betrayed you. I’m guessing that you really didn’t trust him. You still don’t! Yet you allowed yourself to believe he’d get his act together. (Based on what? “LOVE”?) It also sounds like you two never addressed the hurt caused by the first betrayal. Never discussed why he thought it was OK to cheat on you. And because you never dealt with it, it came back to bite you… hard. The fact that now all he wants from you is to be one of his “f__ friends” really says it all, doesn’t it? And the reason you “still love” this self-centered disrespectful individual “so much” is… why?

What you need to move forward is more self-respect. When you develop that you won’t need me or anyone else to tell you that this isn’t love. If you need help sorting out your feelings and working on self-esteem, then I strongly suggest that you find a counselor or a therapist to talk with.

In friendship,
Annie

Most parents I talk with say they absolutely want their teen daughters and sons to grow up to be “a good partner in a healthy committed relationship.” If we’re going to walk the walk, we really need to be teaching our kids that love isn’t enough.

Filed under: Parenting,Tips — Tags: betrayal, counseling, Love, Relationships, self-esteem, Teen Relationships — Annie @ 11:32 am

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Podcast for Parents and Teens: My life sucks because I’m too fat!

July 13, 2009

"Over It: A Teen's Guide to Getting Beyond Obsessions with Food and Weight"

Several times a week I receive an email from a desperate 12-16 year old girl who’s having issues about her weight. No, let me rephrase that. Her issue isn’t with the number on the bathroom scale. The issue is how she feels about herself. Typically the girl who writes to me hates her body and the way she looks. Then the whole guilt by associate thing sets in and next thing you know… the girl hates herself!

Here are some recent examples:

I’m a junior in high school and let me just start by saying: being a junior sucks. It’s not just the year itself but me that seems to be the problem. Then there’s the whole body image thing. I know I should be happy with what I’ve got and blah blah blah but I still wish I could get out of the training bra section. It’s so awful having friends tell me that they wish they didn’t develop and I should be happy that I’m flat as a board at 16.

Or this one:

I know that I need to lose 10-15 pounds because I’m 5’3″ and weigh about 130. I think that is too high. All my family members say that I’m a little overweight and I am embarrassed every time they talk to me about it. Maybe I don’t need to lose that much but I still need to lose some.

Or this:

I’m very perplexed. I think I’m fat when everyone tells me I’m not. I’m bulimic but no one knows. How do I stop? Because every time I do try to stop I feel guilty and I become worse. I’m 12 years old and I weigh 75 pounds. I still think I’m fat.

Should we be surprised that these girls are so unhappy with themselves and so out of synch with reality? Considering that they’re growing up in a thin-obsessed culture, it would probably be way more surprising if they didn’tfeel this way! So what’s been going on with American girls and women since the early ‘60’s that causes this crippling dissatisfaction with our looks? What does the steady rise in eating disorders (which now includes boys and men) say about our society and our values? And how do we get over it already and help our daughters and sons do the same?

In this week’s podcast* I talk with Carol Normandi and Laurelee Roark co-authors of “Over It: A Teen’s Guide to Getting Beyond Obsessions with Food and Weight.” We talk about the effects of media and pop culture on the body image, healthy and well-being of our tweens and teens. And what parents can do to fight back.

Have a listen here:

If you have iTunes, you can subscribe to this podcast in the iTunes Store.

Or, you can download an MP3 version here.

Upcoming guests include:

Robert Rummel-Hudson, author of Schuyler’s Monster: A Father’s Journey With His Wordless Daughter

Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster: A New Look At Why Stepmothers Think, Feel And Act The Way We Do

Ayelet Waldman, author of Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, And Occasional Moments of Grace

Izzy Rose, author of The Package Deal: My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom

Diane E. Levin, co-author (with Jean Kilbourne) of So Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood And What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Kids

Special thanks to our friend and musician/composer Curt Siffert who let us use his song, “Tie Down for the Storm” for the opening of this podcast.

*What’s a podcast? “A podcast is a series of digital media files, usually either digital audio or video, that is made available for download via web syndication.” – Wikipedia… So, in this case, there’s an audio file for you to listen to (in addition to reading the above).