You are entitled to....
The year our daughter turned 15 she announced that she didn’t want us to buy her any “stuff” for Hanukkah. Huh? Did I hear that right? No stuff? What’s going on? Did she still love us? Wasn’t she grateful for the many very carefully selected gifts she’d received since… birth? Was she planning on running away and wanting to travel light?!
Actually, the truth was far less sinister and more profoundly personal. As she put it, “I’ve had it with holiday commercialism.” This led to a lively family discussion about needs vs. desires. Form vs. Substance. Carnivores vs. Vegetarians.
NOTE1: Our son was 9 at that time and while he dearly loved and coveted all kinds of “stuff,” (except when it came to clearing it off the floor and stowing it all back where it belonged) he agreed his sister’s idea merited serious philosophical consideration.
NOTE2: Said son is now a college graduate with a degree in… philosophy.
We love each other in this family and we’re not shy about showing it. So even though we placed a holiday moratorium on buying each other stuff there were absolutely no restrictions on the act of giving. Of course, without the stuff option to fall back on, we each faced the creative challenge of figuring out what to give.
That first year we abandoned traditional gift-giving our tokens of affection and admiration became more experiential and far-reaching. I’m talking about live performances and other cultural outings. There were factory tours, waterfall hikes, specially baked desserts, multi-media presentations, and hand-crafted treasures.
By far the best innovation emerging from our new tradition was the advent of personalized coupons books. These hand-made packets offered a variety of a dozen or so customized “goods and services and special privileges.” If you’re thinking “Give my kids a month of dry-cleaning?! A reserved parking space?! Is this woman nuts?” allow me to explain. The key to coupon success is knowing your recipient. Daughter, who frequently got busted for talking on the phone after lights out, was thrilled to get: “This coupon entitles you to use the phone between 11-11:30 on a school night. Homework and all getting ready for bed preparations must first be completed.”
Son, who has always loved sweets, got: “This coupon entitles you to 2 dozen of your choice of home-made cookies that you don’t have to share with anyone (unless you happen to be feeling particularly generous). Minimum 24 hour notice required.”
I remember happily receiving: “I will water all the plants in the house for you for 1 week.” And David, who spends lots of time hunched over his computer, was delighted to get: “I will give you a 10 minute shoulder massage.”
Freeing ourselves from buying stuff has opened the door to a new tradition and kept us out of the malls.
Now just in case you think I live under a rock, have a heart of stone, and/or am independently wealthy… none of the above. So, yes, I know times are tough and retailers around the country are wracking their business brains to figure out how to get us to regain enough confidence in the economy and our future earning power to get ourselves down to the mall and do our part for the recovery. I get that. And this No-stuff Gift Guide isn’t meant as an all or nothing deal. I mean, let’s face, there is very cool stuff in stores. And sometimes the special something your kid craves is just what you want to give, and if you can, go ahead and give it. Then knock yourself out on the kid’s joy when he/she receives your gift. All I’m saying is that you are not and never have been required to go into debt buying stuff that’s out of synch with your innate sense of what’s appropriate and healthy for your child.
So, if you’re looking for some extra meaning during this holiday season and a little less wear and tear on your family values, you might talk to your kids about alternatives to traditional gift-giving. It may not be coupons, but your family will likely come up with all kinds of great ideas. When we explore more creative ways to show our love for each other, we celebrate the uniqueness of each of family member. Now there’s a gift!
Happy holidays from our family to yours.
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Annie You are an inspiration. I think that I will offer this to my son and his wife who live in a tiny apartment. The grandkids however, will still get gifts.
Comment by Joyce — December 6, 2009 @ 10:12 am
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by MarjieKnudsen: Gifts difficult this year? The “Don’t Buy Me Stuff Gift guide” is here! by @annie_fox http://bit.ly/680ekx #parenting #economy #holidays…
Trackback by uberVU - social comments — December 6, 2009 @ 1:37 pm
My dear Annie
You have done it again, and the timing of course is perfect.
I totally agree with you regarding gifts which come with empathy, compassion, thoughtfulness and one’s time and love.
They likely to be remembered and appreciated in the long run.
Have a wonderful holiday season.
Love
Judith
Comment by Judith — December 6, 2009 @ 4:15 pm
I just read your ‘Don’t Buy Me Any Stuff’ Gift Guide on the
Dr. Laura website. Thank you! We had an opportunity to travel south (we live in Michigan) to Florida for the holidays with free lodging – a full 2 weeks in the sun, away from the commercialization (& cold) of Christmas. So, we, as a family, decided to have a ‘no gifts’ year & instead take a family vacation, spending time together, doing new & fun things together, creating memories that will last a lifetime. Though we offended some family members (we said we would not be giving this year & ask that we don’t receive; we were using our holiday money for a family memory-making holiday vacation), we probably had one the the BEST holiday seasons ever! And my kids (12 & 7) agree. I am already looking for a way to do it again next year! I enjoyed the season SO much more – no stress! We still did some traditions: making cookies, listening to Christmas music, watching holiday movies, light decorating in the house, a holiday dinner with some family members, etc. but the stress of buying gifts for those who have everything, need nothing & don’t appreciate it was gone! We took an iPod with us on the trip to listen to holiday music, & Santa made a stop for the kids in Florida (though on a MUCH lighter scale), & it was different, but special none the less.
Christmas was just one day; we had 5 days before & 9 days after to
enjoy ourselves & our family. I hope I can convince everyone (& I
mean EVERYONE on both sides of the family) to do it again next year.
The memories will last so much longer than the ‘stuff’ – & really, who remembers what they got last year anyway? But our children will remember & tell stories of the Christmas we spent in Florida forever. How nice it would be to have memories of many additional holidays with grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. on vacation, spending time together, than one day opening ‘stuff’ that will be forgotten in the next year.
So thank you for your letter – I knew what we did was right for us, & it’s nice to hear that others have the same thoughts.
Comment by Laura — February 18, 2010 @ 7:03 pm
I started a tradition in my family of giving to charitable organizations in people’s names. For instance, my 10 year old cousin wanted a rabbit this year for his birthday which really isn’t feasible considering the facts that we live in NYC and that his family already has a massive dog. Instead, I donated a trio of rabbits through Heifer International in his name.
This holiday season, I’ve been either donating in peoples’ names to or giving gifts from Indego Africa (a fantastic social enterprise that partners with women’s artisan co-ops in Rwanda).
Comment by Alea — December 22, 2010 @ 11:02 am
I love it!
I come from a family where my parents only gave what they made – homemade goodies, fresh garden food, pottery (made by my mom), and money.
My mother disliked commercialism. She also recalled her Depression Era-Christmas times of only receiving one present under the tree. My husband and I disagree each year on the philosophies of what to give our 5 children. The coupon idea, however, is a big hit!
Thanks, Annie, for reminding us of the simplicity in “giving” for the holidays. Some of the best presents I’ve received didn’t come from the store.
Comment by Karen — December 24, 2010 @ 12:36 pm