2011 January | Annie Fox's Blog

Damn right I’ve been wronged!

January 16, 2011

Why rehash when it was bad enough the first time?

Several years ago I collaborated on a project from hell.

(NOTE: I’m not disclosing which project, how long ago, or with whom because my collaborator may still be a bit tectchy on the subject. On the remote chance this blog finds its way to said collaborator they needn’t worry about reading further because this isn’t about their out of line behavior, it’s about mine.)

Anyway, suffice it to say that our year-long working relationship had some monumental craggy bits and by the end the two of us were barely speaking, as in not at all. The final brick in the wall came with my words, hissed over the phone: “Let’s just finish the damn thing.” And we did, sorta. What I mean is that yes, we completed the project and delivered an award-winning result but we never successfully “finished” the real business between us.

As promised, I’m not getting into any of the dirt. Truly not important. But I want to cop to my reactions to the situation. At this time you may be thinking, “Oh, good! Annie’s now going to tell us how she rose above the animus and appealed to her Higher Angels to guide her through a cantakerous relationship.” Sorry, but that’s not where I’m headed so feel free to turn in your ticket stub at the box office for a full refund.

I will give myself some credit for having had the maturity not to air dirty laundry when I was operating in any professional capacity. But I will take full responsibility for compulsively talking about what happened with family and certain close friends. I’m not proud of the way I vented without restraint for several years. Fact is, I’m down-right embarrassed as I now picture myself running my mouth as I did. Not only was I stuck in a pity party, I was gorging myself at a never-ending Outrage Banquet complete with Doggie Bags.

Why am I telling you all this? Because you’re not the only one who can’t quit gnawing at that old bone even though it’s dry, maybe a little rancid and actually turns your stomach. Looking back, I’ve gotta wonder, was I temporarily insane? A masochist needing to relive the discomfort, the feeling of betrayal ad nauseam? What was the point of all that re-hashing? Weren’t the first twenty servings of hash distasteful enough?

I’m happy to report that particular pity party is done. Yippee! I realize I totally overstayed my welcome. There’s now no doubt I could have processed my feelings more efficiently and saved myself and my captive audiences a ton of suffering. My apologies to all of you.

The next time I’m bonkers, brooding and blaming I hope to cut to the chase with a few well-directed questions to myself:

1. What happened?

2. How did my response contribute to the way I’m feeling now?

3. What (if anything) would I like to say directly to that person? (as opposed to talking about them)

4. What did I just learn about myself in these kinds of situations?

5. The next time I’m in a similar circumstance, what might I do differently?

OK, folks, party’s over… See ‘ya around.

Filed under: Cruel's Not Cool,Parenting,Tips — Annie @ 2:46 pm

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From the “Say it isn’t so” files

January 8, 2011

AP Photo/Jose Luis Magana

Forgive me if I’m not my usual perky self. It hasn’t been a great news day for those of us hopeful about the inherent goodness of humankind.

Let me explain. This morning I read about the arrest of six kids in Carson City, Nevada. What had these 12 and 13 year olds girls done? Apparently one dreamed up a Facebook event called “Attack a Teacher Day” and invited 100 students to join. The other five got busted for responding to online threats against specific teachers in two middle schools. According to the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune the six girls were “booked Wednesday at juvenile hall on a misdemeanor charge of communicating threats.” Thankfully a parent saw the “invite” and deleted it. No one was physically harmed.

Thinking about it, there’s so much wrong here I didn’t know where to begin. So I posted to my anti-bullying forum Cruel’s Not Cool! to start a discussion. I posed some questions: What might have been going on in the mind of a kid who thought that “attacking” teachers was a terrific idea? Why might the participants have decided to get on the bandwagon? What role does Facebook or any social media site have in monitoring illegal content like threats to someone’s life? In what ways might the charges against the tweens be totally appropriate or totally absurd? What’s the role of parents in raising kids of good character and teaching their tech savvy darlings to be responsible digital citizens?

But before any responses were posted, I read about an actual attack this afternoon. A politically motivated assassination attempt on the life of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ). The Congresswoman took a bullet through the brain and she’s currently in critical but stable condition. So far at least 6 people are dead. Among them, an aide for the Congresswoman, a 9-year-old and U.S. District Judge John Roll.

Kids openly tease, harass, persecute and physically attack peers whom they “don’t like.” If school bullying and disrespecting teachers is ‘no big deal’ (and many students say “nothing happens” when bullying is reported), it may not take much reasoning to conclude that it’s also OK to gun down someone we disagree with. Not that anyone capable of this behavior has much in the way of reasoning powers, but you don’t need that to buy a gun.