Many paths lead outward
I’m beginning my work on a new book (not sure yet if it will be adult fiction or non-fiction). The theme: an exploration of how some people manage to respond to debilitating loss in exemplary ways. Because, throughout life, we are subject to many losses, how can we use the experience in a positive way? We may lose:
- a parent or other precious family member
- an opportunity
- our peace of mind
- our sense of community
- something into which we have put tremendous physical/creative effort
- the love of our life
- our best friend
- our job
- a physical or mental ability (due to illness or injury)
- our home
- our reputation
- our fortune
- our confidence
- our way
- ??
What happens after we suffer a major loss? Some people feel the pain so intensely they carry a permanent wound that limits them in the way widowhood limited my mother. For decades her suffering prevented her from fully reconnecting with the joy and creative force of life. Maybe you know someone like that. It is sad. I do not believe it is necessary.
When we experience a loss it is normal and healthy to grieve. It is also normal and healthy to heal. But how do we begin that process? That’s what this book is going to be about. We each have within us a breakable heart and spirt. We also have within us, the resilience needed to rebound and rebuild. If we can find ways to move beyond our suffering, loss can be fertile ground for positive transformation. We can become stronger in every sense of the word. We can develop greater compassion. We can forge the tools and the will to help others who are suffering from losses of their own.
The journey from loss to a new level of wholeness can be extremely challenging. Subsequent (lesser) losses may set us back. Which is why many of us do not fully recover from a major loss. But there are many people among us who’ve successfully made that transition. Gabby Gifford, Tammy Duckworth, are two women who immediately come to mind. There are many others who’ve achieved national and international recognition for their courage in the face of loss. There are also people in every community who have found their own path that has taken them beyond their losses to a new level of peace of mind and purpose. This book will explore some of the many ways people have transformed their lives after loss and how each of us can use the example of their lives to transform our own.
I would be very honored to hear from anyone who has successfully managed to transition out of a major loss (or from anyone who is currently in the process of doing so). If you know someone whose journey from loss has inspired you, I’d love to hear about it.
Please post your comments and we can learn together. I’m sure my exploration of this topic and the book that grows from it will benefit greatly from your input.
Thank you.
In friendship,
Annie
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It sounds to me that your mother may have suffered from depression after she was widowed. Medication may have helped. Even short germ meds can break the mind habit of depression.
Like any one, I’ve experienced loss and grief.
One of the ways I’ve coped with grief is to acknowledge it, give it some time, and then when I saw that it wanted to stay with me permanently around the clock, I put the thoughts out of my mind. Didn’t give them any more play time. Replaced the sad negative thoughts with a mantra.
I’ve mentioned this before and been criticized for burying my grief, not facing the problem, but a few days ago I saw an article that said ~~~Write your negative thoughts down on a piece of paper and throw them away. This is a new treatment that seems to help. I don’t think it’s much different from my method.
So this is how I have coped with grief.
As for loss being a fertile ground for positive transformation, I would say that some people are more resiliant than others. Some people are naturally more optimistic than others.
How you deal with loss and grief depends on many factors, your own nature, your situation, and the support of the people in your life.
The old saying ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,’ is a blunter way of putting it.
When you’ve been through the mill, you don’t mince words.
Comment by Louise Sorensen — January 6, 2013 @ 8:50 pm
Make that short term meds. Apologies for any other typos I missed. Your book sounds like a great project.
Comment by Louise Sorensen — January 6, 2013 @ 8:52 pm
Dear Annie;
I know we’re hoping to talk together this month about Bookshare, but this topic interest me as much or more. I am a previous widow (now remarried) and have had three children who have died. One of my great sorrows in life is the people who cannot move beyond their grief. And if somehow you could find a way to share our story of faith and family to help others, I would be ever so grateful!
Comment by Valerie — January 7, 2013 @ 7:47 am
I lost my best friend eight years ago in a sudden, tragic accident. We were extremely close and did everything together, including travelling. In fact, he was the one who introduced me to travel at a time when I was very timid to do so.
Of course, I grieved for a long time; however, with the support of family and other friends, I convinced myself not to become a recluse. What I have done to make myself strong is to carry on the life that I lived with my friend and that means I travel constantly to places that he and I visited, and to new places. I remember him as the perfect travelling companion and, in a sense, I carry on the good times by continuing these excursions. He would want me to do it and that thought is an added bonus. I wish he were back but I live his life vicariously through the expeditions.
Comment by Randy — January 7, 2013 @ 1:05 pm
Louise, I think you might be right about my mom’s emotional state. She was in a sad place for a very long time. But, to her credit, she had the ability to be very “present” when she was with her grandkids. I know my own children have very fond memories her, for which I am grateful.
I’m also appreciative of your open and honest comments about your own journey through grief. What you’re describing “I put the thoughts out of my mind. Didn’t give them any more play time. Replaced the sad negative thoughts with a mantra.” sounds like a form of mindfulness, which I know from my own experience can have powerful positive impact on the healing process.
Thank you for sharing, and please continue to visit my blog posts. I’ll be writing about this on an ongoing basis. Oh, and one more thing, I think you’d find this post of interest “A Little Breakfast and a Big Lesson in Emotional Intelligence.” http://blog.anniefox.com/2009/10/14/a-little-breakfast-a-big-lesson-in-emotional-intelligence/
Comment by Annie — January 7, 2013 @ 1:34 pm
Hello Valerie, I’m so very sorry for the tragic losses you have experienced. Yet, I have a sense of you as such a healthy person… what an inspiration. Yes, I would be very interested in talking with you about your personal journey from loss to… a new “FOUND.”
Comment by Annie — January 7, 2013 @ 1:36 pm
Hello, Randy, thank you for taking the time share some of your personal loss here. I admire you greatly for the way you took your emotional journey through your grief for your lost friend and transformed it into a courageous attitude that is with you on every journey you take. I’m also interested in this statement of yours “I convinced myself not to be a recluse.” How, exactly, in the depths of despair, did you “convince” yourself that another path would be healthier?
Comment by Annie — January 7, 2013 @ 1:40 pm
Under very stressful conditions my second child was born. My marriage was holding by a thread. It snapped in me when my daughter died 3 days later. We don’t know why. In order to survive great loss I needed to reinvent myself. I changed nearly everything about myself physically that I could. The colour of my hair, my weight, my makeup, my attitude – everything. I became someone else who answered to the same name. No one suggested anti-depressants or counseling to me and I became obsessed with a need to replace her as quickly as I could. I got healthy. I worked out daily thus releasing the natural seratonin, I focused on eating well, I talked to anyone who would listen to how it felt to lose a child, I wept and wept, a lot allowing grief to play out through sad movies but I did not allow myself the luxury of wallowing in the grief. I practiced smiling, I worked at laughter, I began to wear bright colours, I danced, I sang, I got pregnant again 9 months after her death and gave birth to my son. Slowly over time I’ve let go of the grief. Only 2 months ago I finally felt strong enough to request and see the pictures of her taken in the morgue 14 years ago. I looked at them once, shed a few tears and burnt them by a canal in Amsterdam. It was time to release the last of the grief attached to her. I still sometimes buy a helium balloon when I see it and release it to the sky, symbolically for her. She is not a secret in the house and we talk about her, mention her, she still belongs to us. Wherever I travel in the world I always find a place (usually a church or temple) to light a candle to remind us to live two lives. One for our own and one for her.
Comment by shallow sister — January 7, 2013 @ 1:49 pm
Dear Sister, I am impressed by your determination to free yourself from the ever-so-strong grip of grief after the loss of your little girl. I love that you say “She is not a secret… she still belongs to us.” YES! So healthy! And here you are, inspiring others, with this story of transition and liberation. I am honored to have our paths cross.
Thank you for sharing.
In friendship,
Annie
Comment by Annie — January 7, 2013 @ 2:05 pm
Annie, after the Newtown tragedy, I interviewed psychologist George Bonanno. He’s a professor at Columbia who specializes in the topic of resilience in the face of tragedy. He was wonderful! His reassurances, based on years of research, was very helpful to me — and, I hope, to my listeners. I would definitely recommend that you speak with him.
If you’d like to listen to the segment, you can find it at http://www.bamradionetwork.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=930:jackstreet54&catid=87:school-crisis&Itemid=253.
I think you’ve chosen a wonderful topic!
Comment by Rae Pica — January 7, 2013 @ 2:23 pm
Thank you so much for this link, Rae. I am eager to listen in on your interview with George Bonanno. Very helpful, I’m sure!
Comment by Annie — January 7, 2013 @ 3:18 pm
Hi Annie, I have been working this very topic personally. I am a cancer & bone marrow transplant survivor. Because of my illness & permanent damage to my lungs as a result of treatment, I have been slowly working my way back to a new definition of self. (I won’t say new normal because I’m sick of hearing that.) I was very active before diagnosis-spinning, ballet, skiing, scuba diving, yoga, hiking. I can no longer take part in most of these activities. I have always wanted to move back to the mountains, but I can’t tolerate higher altitudes now. I have turned my attention towards doing what I can do and setting goals for that. Fr instance, I can cycle. Not fast, but the last two years i completed 20 miles in the LLS Blood, Sweat & Tears Charity Ride in nearby Highlabd Park, IL. It’s not the same, but I can do something. I have a harder time dealing with the loss of my health and the implications thereof. Sometimes I try to imagine the worse case scenario just to get it out of my head. Other times I think positively and that I am still here for a reason that I cannot fathom yet. I have turned to religion (Christianity) as a source of comfort. I am so angry about the loss of years with my daughters who were so young when I was diagnosed. For three years, while in treatment & recovery, I just could not be the parent I wanted to be or involved in their lives as I would have wished to be. Haven’t figured how to cope with that yet. There are so many other losses we have suffered through these past four years. I could go on and would be happy to share more with you. Please message me if you’d like.
Comment by Kate — January 9, 2013 @ 1:20 pm
Hello Kate, I am grateful that you stumbled across my blog and that you were generous enough to share your experience here. Posting your words is part of the reason you are “still here.” All we can do is manage our response to what happens to us and around us. Your life is an inspiration and exactly resonates with the purpose of my new book.
If you would be willing, down the road a bit, I’d be honored to interview you for this project.
In friendship,
Annie
Comment by Annie — January 9, 2013 @ 2:10 pm
Hi Annie: You may wish to take a peek at the site of Larry Pray, pastor and author who suffered from a series of strokes a while back and has since written about it. How does losing something like brain tissue change a person’s outlook on life, and their families as well?
Larry seems to be doing good though: http://www.larrypray.com/reflections/
Needless to say, loss is a rich topic with plenty of material to work with.
Comment by Seth R — January 10, 2013 @ 4:11 pm
Hey Annie,
KQED Bay Area Radio is running a pretty incredible series this week about people dealing with loss and how it affects their outlook on life and religion. I couldn’t find any more information on their site about it, but it came on this morning between the hours of 8 – 9am, so I’d start there!
On a related note, while I was searching their site I found an article about a woman dealing with the loss of her son in a pretty moving way, so you might want to talk to her too. Article link – http://www.kqed.org/news/story/2012/12/24/113305/finding_new_meaning_in_the_loss_of_a_son?category=health
Good luck!
Comment by Becca Gallery — January 16, 2013 @ 4:48 pm
Thank you Becca! Very helpful. I will definitely check it out!
In friendship,
Annie
Comment by Annie — January 16, 2013 @ 5:31 pm