This morning’s email brought some of the usual questions from TeenWorld:

• How do I stop being shy so I can make more friends?
• Should I tell me bff that I kissed her bf?
• My friend can be kinda mean, but my life wouldn’t be the same with out her. What should I do?
• My parents accuse me of smoking and doing drugs. I don’t! How can I get them to trust me?

Be careful what you wish for

And then there was this one. Even though I’ve heard it before, somehow it felt new. I responded right away, but if that’s all I did only one girl would see it.  For something this important I decided to go bigger.

Girls, have a read. So when it comes to self-respect, relationships and sex, we can get clear on a few basics. If you’re a mom with a girl of your own,  you should read it too. (Just don’t go nuts and accuse your daughter of anything! Not helpful for keeping open the portals of trust and communication.)  And if you’re a teen guy or a dad, probably a good idea for you to read it too. Then you can think (and maybe even talk) about respect and relationships and the god’s honest truth that girls and guys don’t typically share a common perspective on sex and what it means.

Hey Terra,
A lot of my friends have lost their virginity and I really want to lose it and get it over and done with. This guy that I’ve known for ages but haven’t seen for a while wants me to come over tomorrow have sex with him. I want to, but I don’t know what the consequences are. A lot of people said you get attached and some don’t. I don’t know what to do. Can you please help me!!!

Wanna Lose it Already

Dear Wanna Lose It,

I don’t know if your friends are in loving, mutually respectful relationships (I sure hope so) but if what they’re doing is right for them, that doesn’t automatically make it right for you. You wrote to me for a second opinion. That indicates you’re wondering if having sex is the right move for you at this time.

You asked about the “consequences.” I don’t know how old you are or why you’re in such a hurry to not be a virgin any more. But I do know that sex isn’t something you do because you want it to be “over and done with.”  That makes sense if you’re talking about taking out the trash or working on a dreaded homework assignment. But when it comes to sex, getting it “over and done with” is wrong thinking that will lead to a lot of disappointment and  heartache.

Sex ought to be an act of love. If there isn’t mutual respect and trust, it’s just not good. Especially for girls. If your friends think of sex as something very casual that you do with just anybody, then it’s likely they will go from one sex partner to another, feeling crappy about themselves, empty and unloved.

Please do not follow in their footsteps.

As for the guy that you’ve know “for ages” who wants to have sex with you tomorrow. Don’t take that as a great offer or as a compliment. He wants to use your body so that he can have an orgasm. Afterwards, he will send you away and tell everyone what you let him do. Then his friends will text, saying they want to have sex with you too. Other girls will start talking about you. And if you do get “attached” to the first guy, he’ll make it very clear that he wants sex, not a relationship. All of this is going to make you feel horrible. And, on top of that, you might get pregnant. (Another very real consequence.)  You might also get a sexually transmitted disease.

But what you most certainly will NOT get, is a feeling of being loved and treasured. You deserve that. If you settle for less you’ll regret it.

I hope this helps you sort out your feelings so that you can make your own decisions. One that’s 100% right for you.

In friendship,
Terra